Hey I am re-posting this because it got erased but I decided to continue the story and a lot of people were interested in reading the early chapters. I combined quite a few chapters together so it doesn't flow perfectly, so you'll have to forgive me. But if you are reading "Human, continued" these are the beginning chapters I will have them all posted tonight and mostly have a new chapter in "Human, continued" tomorrow. Thanks for reading!
Ellen and Jill sat in the living room of Patrick's hotel in London. Each with one of the twin boys in their arms. "I can't believe how fast they are growing," Ellen said with a smile, bouncing Darby lightly. Jill laughed
"Oh I know. They will be Tallulah's age before we know it," Jill said exchanging a shrug with Ellen.
They had not always been able to be in each other's presence like this. In fact, after the first season of Grey's had come out, they had a huge fight. Jill had accused Ellen of sleeping with Patrick, she had even called Chris to see if he knew anything. She found out that Patrick and Ellen occasionally met in the park just down the road from there house. Not only did she jump to extremely false conclusions but she made him move out of the neighborhood. But things were different now. Ellen and Jill were becoming closer, mainly because they forced themselves to. When Jill had made him move it had caused a lot of publicity. So they had been forced to become friends, and now it seemed as if they were actual friends.
Suddenly something crashed from the other room. "Talula," Jill yelled.
"Whoops," Tallulah yelled back. Jill handed Sullivan to Ellen and walked into the other room.
"What are you doing?" Jill yelled.
"I'm bored! I've been stuck in this stupid hotel room for foreverr," she yelled back. Jill walked out and closed the door behind her. Ellen cringed as Jill returned to take Sullivan.
"You know I could watch Darby and Sullivan and you could take Talula out for a while," Ellen offered kindly.
"No, its okay," Jill said politely.
"No I insist, Get out of the room for a while," Ellen said taking Sullivan out of her arms.
Jill left the room and returned minutes later with Tallulah,
"Okay we will be home by like 4 and Patrick should be here by well 5 for dinner. But we'll be home first so it doesn't matter. Thank you so much for doing this."
"Don't worry about it, We are going to have fun," Ellen cooed in Darby's face.
An hour later Patrick slid his key through the handle and walked in the living room. A smile broke the corners of his mouth. He stood for second taking in the way Darby, Sullivan and Ellen layed sound asleep on the couch. Ellen's eyes popped open as if she could feel him watching her. She smiled when she saw him there. He helped her adjust the boys, so that they could sleep on the couch. She squeezed by them and stood up.
"Hi," she whispered brightly. "How was filming,"she hugged him. He hugged her, longer than he should have.
"Good, How was your flight?" He said softly with a sparkle behind his eyes.
"It was good, we flew in at like 6, and then Chris went off to catch up with some friends and I thought I would help Jill out today," She smiled.
"Well that was nice of you," he said half ignoring what she was saying. He raised his eyebrows, easily showing that he was not responding to what she said.
"What?" she asked scrunching her eyebrows together in confusion.
"Nothing," he said casually while pouring himself a glass of wine. "Would you like some," he said raising his glass.
"Uh I'm babysitting," she said giving him the duhh face.
"Oh come on, I'm home now," he pressured her, pouring her a glass. She took it from his hand and sipped it.
"So tell me about this movie," she said in a regular voice, as she did Darby stirred. "Shit," She whispered. "Come here," she said pulling Patrick into the bedroom. She sat on the floor against the bed. "I don't want to wake them up. They just fell asleep," she explained. He sat next to her.
"Well, I realize, weeks before her wedding that I am in love with my best friend," Ellen laughed as he finished.
"Well you certainly are type cast aren't you," she laughed again.
"Shut up I am not," he shoved her playfully.
"Oh yes, you are the guy who always falls in love with someone he can't be with," she smiled, but he didn't. He waited until she looked up at him. His eyes wavered over hers. She looked away, uncomfortably.
"Yes, I am," he said with a sense of pain in his voice as he lifted the glass to his lips. He drank the rest. "More?" he asked taking her glass.
"Yah," she said knowing she shouldn't. He returned minutes later with two full glasses, he handed one to her. "If I didn't know any better, I would think you are trying to get me drunk," she laughed trying to break the awkwardness she had caused.
"It's two glasses of wine," he said as if she was crazy.
"I'm little, I'm probably tipsy already," she smiled. She paused for a minute, "I didn't mean to offend you before, about the type cast thing," she explained concerned.
"You didn't offend me, It's true," he said shrugging.
"No, its not, Meredith was the one who fell in love with you. You were the taken one, not me. I fell in love with you," the words escaped her lips with ease but their consequences stung her insides. This time her eyes strayed to his. She could feel her heart speed up. He put his hand to her face, it sent chills to her spine. She felt as if she were in slow motion as he pulled in closer to her, their lips centimeters apart. She could feel his breath on her face. She felt his unshaven face brush her chin. Her eyes flickered closed and then open again. He adjusted his hand to the back of her head and pressed his lips softly against hers and kissed her. She hesitated before kissing him back. She sighed as she felt his tongue slip into her mouth. His hand slid softly up the back of her shirt. She pulled away.
"What the hell are we doing?" she asked catching her breath. She looked terrified but he looked relieved. Why did he look so relieved. He didnt respond, he merely looked her in the eyes, smiled and kissed her again. Ellen pulled away again. She starred at him as if he were insane and then the moment passed. She realized that they had felt this way all along. It was nothing new, it was just freed from its dark hidden space. "Hell with it," she mumbled as she pulled her shirt over her head. They stood up still locked in a kiss, he pushed her backwards onto the bed. He kissed down her neck and to her stomach. She laughed lightly as he unbuttoned her pants and pulled them down her tiny legs. She pulled his shirt over his head, as she reached for his pants she heard a cry from the living room and then a second. Patrick pulled away quickly and ran to the living room. Picking up Darby. Ellen threw his shirt over her head and followed him out, she scooped up Sullivan.
"Shhhh, it's okay," she rocked him back and forth. Ellen could feel her emoton starting to build up in her throat. "Everythings gonna be okay," her voice trembled as she said it. Patrick looked at her and instantly knew how she was feeling.
"Ellen," he said softly wishing he could hug her. She turned the other way, trying to hide the tear rolling down her cheek.
The door clicked open, suddenly all of her feelings instantly shifted to fear. Both Ellen and Patrick jump and starred in horror at the door. It opened partially Jill walked inside, and looked to Patrick surprised, "Patrick I thought..." she suddenly realized he didn't have a shirt on. She looked to a pantless Ellen and found his shirt, "Oh God," her voice fearful.
"Tah, stay out here okay," she said trying to keep her cool.
"Why," Tallulah questioned with a concerned look on her face.
"No reason, I just want you to," Jill did her best to fake a smile. She gently closed the door, not shutting it all the way and walked inside.
"Jill, It's not what it looks like," he said before she began yelling.
"You," she said pointing to Patrick "Shut the hell up. And You" she screamed pointing at Ellen,"Get dress and get the hell out of here," Ellen quickly disappeared.
Jill sat on the couch and put her head in her hands. "She was babysitting our children, Patrick," she said heavily.
"Jill," he said touching her shoulder, she shrugged it off. Ellen, now fully clothed walked out of the bedroom door. Jill looked up at her, daring her to exchange a face with Patrick.
Ellen's glance fell to the floor. She shut the door behind her and began to cry walking down the dimmly light hallway.
Jillian looked to Patrick, "I can't believe you," she said trying to keep her voice low.
"Listen to me. I need to tell you what happened and I need you to believe that I am telling the truth," he said trying desperatley to convince her.
"If you are going to make me sit here and listen to the details of your adultery, you are crazy," she yelled.
"Jillian," he yelled. "Shut up and let me explain," Jill sat motionless staring at him. "I came home from working and I found Ellen sleeping on the couch, with Darby and Sullivan. She woke up and I offered her a drink, I actually forced her to have a drink. We had a little too much and I kissed her," He attempted to sound firm, he crashed and burned.
"Oh kayy I've had enough," she stood up feeling sick to her stomach. He followed her.
"And I took off her clothes and we were going to but we didn't! We didn't want to. We knew it would be a mistake. That the only reason why we were going to was because we had too much to drink. We didn't have sex, I promise you that," he said covered with shame.
"What am I supposed to say to that" she asked throwing her hands in the air. "I don't want to break up this family Patrick, I guess that's all I can say. And I can't not believe you because you are my husband, and I think we are closer than that. Than you not telling me that you are unhappy. So I am going to ask you flat out, once and only once and please just tell me the truth and if your answer is yes, I will probably scream and cry and throw things" her voice loosing its strength and succumbingto her emotions. "but we'll work it out, because I love you and I don't want to tear apart our family. So Patrick," she exhaled, her voice cracking with fear. "Did you have sex with Ellen" it was obviously painful for her to say. She was trying so desperately not to cry. Even if he had slept with Ellen, he couldn't have admitted it, it would have crushed her.
"No, I did not have sex with Ellen," he said truthfully. And yet what he had not told her sat stirring in his stomach and spinning through his thoughts. It was the complicated truth. He wanted to have sex with her. He would have had sex with her if it were not for the tiny cries of his 6 month old sons. After he kissed her lips, he had no second thoughts. He was going for it, consequences and all. She had paused briefly, but he had never doubted himself. He knew something that she did not. Something he wouldn't even admit in his head, but knew in his heart.
The Summer had passed quickly. Ellen had spent most of her time off, in Europe contemplating marrying Chris. She had not told him about the incident with Patrick. She assumed Jill would when they arrived back in the States, so she was planning on telling him at the right moment. Several possibly right moments passed and she now found herself back in her familiar trailer, with the very man that had started all the trouble.
"Patrick, It was a mistake, its over," Ellen said trying to comfort him.
"Will you look me in the eye and say that,"
"Say what," Ellen's voice trembled.
"Say that it was a mistake. Say that you didn't feel relieved with every tiny touch. That when our lips met you didn't feel it, all the way to your bones" he said fiercely as he held her arms.
"Don't make me say that," she said not looking at him.
"Ellen if you say it, then I'm done. Then I'll never bother you again and we will just go back to being the way things were but if I don't tell you," He hesitated. "Telll you that I want you. That all I could think about sense that night is you. That every time I have sex with my wife, I picture you, If I didnt tell you that I want to kiss you right now. I would be lying," he finished looking shamefully into her eyes.
"Damn it Patrick," she yelled. "Don't say that"
"It's the truth Ellen, and I'm tired of pretending. That is our life Ellen, pretending. Pretending to be someone we are not. Pretending to be happy when we wake up in the morning. Pretending to be happy when some obnoxious interviewer asks us a ridiculous question. Pretending to not be in love with you. I'm sick of it Ellen. God if we learned anything from all of this shit with Isaiah it should be that it could all be over in a second. Over because of some ridiculous fight and the way you treat a few people. I just want to have fun. I just want to live Ellen, I'm tired of pretending."
"What am I suppose to say to that?" Ellen asked trying not to get worked up. "
"How bout the truth," he said with a sense of clarity to his voice. She looked at him, and he looked back at her. She suddenly felt him break her.
"Fine, Fine," she yelled. "I'm in love with you, I wanted to be with you as bad as you wanted to be with me. I couldn't get the image of you out of my head for the whole fucking summer. But you are married and I don't know what I am suppose to say to that. This isn't tv Patrick, we can't just have sex and then next week you'll be divorced and we will be this happy little couple. We have to be realistic about this," she looked sad as the words escaped her lips.
"You'll never leave your wife, your family. It would crush them,"
"But what about me. What about what I want?" Patrick was getting angry
"Are you listening to yourself? Isn't their life already, completely about what you want?" Ellen yelled right back. "You are being selfish. I'm not going to help you be selfish and ruin the lives of your children over a stupid thing like that night in london." She wasn't going to second guess herself this time. He could tell from the expression on her face.
He breathelessly spoke,"I don't know if I can do this then,"
She shook her head in confusion. "What?" she questioned. "Do what?" her voice was shaky.
"I don't know if I can be Derek Shepard anymore," as the words trickled off the tip of his tongue, her throat began to ache.
"You are going to quit?" She asked softly, trying to not let her emotion get to her voice.
"I don't know," he fell to the couch, putting his head in his hands, "I don't know," he breathed again.
"I won't let you quit, I'll quit, You've wanted this for soo long. I'll quit," she said so sure.
"And see thats the thing, its not the only thing I want anymore,"
"What do you want?" She was confused. He was annoyed that she hadn't caught on yet.
"I want you," he said forwardly.
There was a knock at the door, "You guys are suppose to be in the reading room,"
Ellen glanced to Patrick, who was looking down at the ground in pain.
"Okay," She mumbled to the crew worker, that now noticed from the emotion in Ellen's voice that she had interrupted something. "We'll be right there,"
Patrick looked up as the crew member left the door. "We can't do this now. We have to work,"
"Yah, you're right," he stood up not looking back at her as he walked out the door.
After work Patrick returned home, he was angry and he was absolutely sure he would here it from Jill tonight, which would only make things worse. He walked into his kitchen, where Jill sat reading the newspaper. "Hi, How was work?"
"Fine," he answered softly.
"The sex was that bad huh?"
"Jill I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said getting mad. "You know that we are not having sex"
"That's right you only fuck, when you are baby sitting my children," she smiled fakely.
" Jillian," he sighed, "I don't feel like fighting," he said sadly leaving the room. Her accusing them of having sex, had been everyday since she found them together. He wasn't quite sure why she had been so okay with it that night in london. Even though they hadn't had sex, she still had a right to be mad. He knew that, but she hadn't been extremely mad then. Maybe she was afraid he would have left her. She soon got over that fear and decided to just be a bitch about it. She reminded him constantly, which was obviously having a completely opposite affect of what she was shooting for. He thought about Ellen and that night constantly.
It had been three hours since Ellen hadn't moved from the chair in the corner of her bedroom. She was going to clean it, even if that is what she hired the maid for. She turned on music, but she didn't make it very far. She sat in the chair after the 4th love song played on the radio. Now three hours later she starred at the way. She could still hear his voice telling her how much he wanted her. It gave her chills. She stirred in her chair, as her mind suddenly reverted back to London. She could almost feel his breath against her skin and suddenly she needed him. She needed to her his voice, she needed to touch him. How had she walked away before with so little emotion. She was in love with him, he knew it, she knew it, so why the hell couldnt she admit him. "I want you," his voice so real and warm. "Hi," this time twice as real and sending extra beats to her heart and then again "Ellen," god that sounded weirdly real. She needed him, "Ellen are you okay?" this time she looked up. There he stood, his hair slightly wild, curls falling onto his forehead and over his ears. He looked worried, and somehow all she could do when she saw him standing there was smile.
"Hi," she said
"Hi," he said walking to the corner of her bed in sitting down. He looked at her for a second, they exchanged a knowing look. He sighed, "What are we going to do," His words were smooth, and carried no hidden pressure, almost if he did not expect an answer. With a simple glance, he trapped her eyes in his. She felt her breath shallow, she inhaled, and let her air nervously trickle out of her nose.
"Stop pretending," she answered his question in a sweet whisper.
He brushed his hand over hers, she entangled their fingers. She was afraid to sit next to him on the bed, she feared she wouldn't be able to control herself. So they stayed where they were, each with one arm extended, and a hand connecting somewhere in between them. Almost as if it symbolized their lives colliding. If it hadn't been for a series of events, and answered prayers, the would have never met. He had been a sheltered country boy from Maine and she had been the girl from Boston, who learned too soon in life, that everything wasn't always beautiful. And yet here in this town of envy and sin, their lives were brought together.
The longer they sat their, the more lost they looked. He suddenly stood and pulled her into his arms. She slid her head under his chin and rested there. She felt so safe, so sure that life was suppose to be this way. He could feel her heart beating rapidly against him.
"Are you okay?" he spoke softly into her ear. She pulled away from him.
"What if we are making a mistake," the nerves started to get the best of her. "What if your in love with Meredith Grey and not me,"
"Who, in there right mind would be in love with Meredith Grey instead of you," he laughed, but she remained serious.
"What if we are caught up in a storyline? What if we are pretending that we are pretending?" She mad a confused look at her own comment. Now she was getting frustrated. " Jesus I don't know what I am trying to say. What if we only think we love each other because we live this perfect on screen life?"
"First of all have you ever watched our show in your life? Our characters live anything but a perfect life. Ellen I'm not an idiot, We've acted before we met and it's never been this real," he shrugged. "I'm in love with you,"
"How can you be so calm when you say that," she shrieked.
"Because its the truth,"
"But you're married, you have a family, I'm engaged. This shouldn't be happening," she yelled.
"But it is," he said again calmly. Why was he suddenly the voice of reason? She had always been the one to bitch at him and tell him to stop whining. She was always the one who didn't care much about anything. She wanted to be angry at him for stating it so simply. But when it came down to it, he was exactly right. There was no taking back the way they felt now, they had both said too much.
Her eyes soften, she exhaled and felt herself give in to the fight. "Kiss me," she whispered. He looked at her and smiled, surprised but relived by her demand. He touched her cheek and pull her lips closer to his. He breathed their for a second. His warm breathe sent tingles down her chin. She closed her eyes, as he tenderly kissed her lips. The kiss slowly started to get more passionate, as his warm tongue touched hers. She felt herself begin to cross the line, the line between just a kiss and not being able to stop the progression of the kiss. She pulled away from him. "Okay," she exhaled. "That's good," she laughed looking at him.
"Do you want to have dinner with me Ellen Pompeo," he smiled. "Tomorrow night,"
"Where could we possibly have dinner," she laughed. "I think the paparazzi would get a picture of us even if we were in the moon,"
"Yes, but they are not allowed in our trailer," He smirked playfully.
"Tomorrow," she smiled as she showed him out. He kissed her quickly and left. She shut to door behind him and leaned against him. She slid down until her hands touched the cold tile. She knew that she should be doing this, she knew it was wrong. She knew it would probably get them in a lot of trouble. But all she could do was smile. She smiled as she bumped the back of her head slowly against the door, trying to relieve her stress. Or at least the stress she thought should be there.
Patrick sat on the couch, reading through his script again, the room was silent except for the background noise of the television. As he started to read a scene between Derek and Meredith, he suddenly could not concentrate. Dinner had to be special, how could he make it the most amazing date she had ever been on?
"Hey Eric," Patrick shouted as Eric walked out of his trailer. Eric looked over and nodded, as if to say 'I'm coming,'
"Hey," Eric squeezed Patrick's shoulder.
"Question," Patrick said smoothly.
"Yes," Eric responded.
"When you want to impress your wife with dinner at home. What do you do?" he almost laughed as he said it.
"Pizza," Eric laughed. "Things must be good at home I take it?"
"Yah, fine," he said his face suddenly dropping.
"Just fine,"
"Fine,"
"Really because that smile of yours tells quite a different story," he laughed. Patrick instantly become embarrassed, even a little guilty. His smile had nothing to do with his wife or even his three beautiful children. It was Ellen who made him smile like this. Eric noticed his change of expression. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good," Patrick said convincingly.
"Right, Okay," Eric said giving him a weird face.
"Hi," Ellen popped up behind up Patrick. He turned to see her, his smile immediately restored. Patrick reached to hug her, but stopped himself. He hoped Eric hadn't seen his struggle, but he had. Questions started to run through Eric's mind. No, he thought, that's insane.
"I'll See you guys in a few minutes," he said excusing himself.
They both ignored him, caught in each others eyes. "So," Ellen said playfully.
"So," Patrick responded.
"Are we still having dinner tonight," she asked with a slightly childish tone.
"Nah, I changed my mind," He smiled. "Yes, we are having dinner,"
"Okay Good," She smiled brightly. The glow in her eyes seemed to look right through him. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. He suddenly felt the tension between them build up, he wanted so badly to kiss her. "We should go," he cleared his throat and broke eye contact. She smiled watching him struggle.
"We should," she spoke softly, with a hint of mischief in her tone. He gave her a look. She wasn't sure how he managed to fit, I want you, I need you, don't tempt me, we can't do this right now, lets go to work, all in one face but he did it just the same. She shook her head and laughed "Okay," she said knowing exactly what he was thinking.
He placed his hand on her lower back, and guided her in front of him. He smiled, because it was the first time he realized why he was doing this. He felt the need to protect her. If he could see her while she walked, she was some how safer, but it was not only that. Placing his hand on her back, much like the times he cupped her knee with his hand, it was safe for him. He wasn't touching her inappropriately. It was completely appropriate to the naked eye, but it was still touching her and that is what matter. How had he not let himself notice, all this time, how badly he needed to touch her.
Patrick had some how managed to sneak away from the set early and now Ellen now frantically searched for him. He was suppose to be on The Joe's set filming a scene, but she had looked there. And she had looked in all of OR sets, even the cafeteria, the never film in there. It hadn't crossed her mind to look in their trailer until after she looked in the on call rooms. Who the hell would he be filming with in the on call rooms? What and idiotic place to look she thought to herself as she walked to her trailer. It looked dark, she thought observing from a distance. As she got closer she could see a small amout of light, seeping through the blinds. She opened the door.
There he sat at a candle lit table, she smiled. He stood immediately, he stroked her arm and kissed her cheek.
"Hi," she smiled.
"Hi," he returned the smile with only his eyes.
"This is... amazing. When did you do this?" She said sitting at the table and looking up to him in aw little girl.
"Over lunch," he said as he began to open a bottle of wine. "Wine?" he asked.
"Yes, a little," she signalled with her fingers. "Pizza and wine. I don't think I have ever had that," she laughed.
"I didn't have much time so," she cut him off.
"It's perfect," she stroked his arm. He handed her the wine. She sipped it. He sat down next to her and handed her a piece of pizza.
"How was your day," he asked softly. It almost took her by surprise, Chris didn't ask her often. He was too busy complaining about his day, to worry about hers.
"It was okay," She smiled. "But its great now," she said as she bit a piece of pizza.
An hour and a half later, half the pizza was gone along with half the bottle of wine. Ellen now laid in Patrick's arms on the couch. The wine was begining to get to her head and she was starting to slur her words slightly. Patrick wasn't quite to that point yet, but he was very relaxed. He was starting to say things that he normally wouldn't say, not that they weren't true. He just normally wouldn't be bold enough to say them.
"You wanna know something completely ridiculous?" he asked quietly.
"Hmm," she said softly.
"That movie I filmed, Enchanted. It made me believe in fairytales again. Maybe we are suppose to be happy. Maybe their is true love," he looked at her. "Even if we don't find it at the right time," he said softly.
"Maybe we find it at exactly the right time and we just don't want to except it," her eyes suddenly got caught in his.
"She reminded me of you, you know. Amy I mean. Little soft spoken. Well shes a little more princessy," he laughed. "But she is still a bit like you," Ellen leaned into him, he ran his thumb along her chin. "You're Beautiful," he mumbled softly. She kissed his lips. He slipped his warm tongue in her mouth as he ran his hand up and down her back.
She pulled away breathlessly. They both knew what they wanted. "We aren't going to do this," she said firmly. "Not yet,"
"I know, but when we do. It will be perfect." he smiled. "And if you'll excuse me, I'm not done kissing you," Ellen started laughing as he started to kiss her again. 10 minutes later, they both came up for air.
She looked at him for a second, a little confused. "What am I doing with you," she said softly grinning.
"I don't know," he laughed. They sat there silently for a minute, contemplating the mess the had gotten themselves into. She looked at him, her face unexpectedly filled with fear.
"What are we going to do," her voice trembled.
He looked at her tenderly and for the first time had an answer. "I'm going to leave her," it wasn't completely pain free, but it wasn't as painfull as he expected it to be.
"Patrick," she sighed his name. "Don't do that for me,"
"El it's not about you. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for me because I don't think I could do it. I don't think I could wake up every morning for the rest of my life with someone else in my bed. I don't want to kiss anyone but you. I want to have sex with you and not feel guilty about it. I'm in love with you," he took a breath. "I'm going to do it before the Emmy's,"
"Patrick, the Emmy's are next weekend," she said shocked.
"I know that," he shrugged. Her eyes widened. "Ellen, it needs to be over. I don't want to be a cheater and I want to be with you, and with those two statements together, it needs to be over."
"Okay," she smiled.