A/N: Well, this was supposed to be a short little drabble, like 400 words, but it ran away from me so now it's a story in itself. The ending needs tweaking. I'm in a writing mood tonight. Enjoy!
Warnings: Pokes slight fun at Harry, slash. Not my best-written story. When the plot bunnies gnaw at one's ankles, what can one do but hope for the best?
"I'm –hic- sure he's up to something. But I –hic- have to know for sure! I can –hic- follow him under my –hic- invisibility cloak and see –hic- if he leaves the castle!" Harry hiccupped, indignant.
"And like I said before, I'm not disagreeing with you," Hermione told him wearily. Smith hit you with a Hiccup Hex less than an hour ago. You need to get rid of them before you set off on a covert spying mission! Invisibility cloak or no, you'll be found out in twenty seconds."
"So how do I –hic- get rid of them, then? Don't I –hic- just wait until they go away?" Harry shifted from foot to foot, anxiously. He was positively itching for action. There hadn't been any Death Eater activity for almost all of September, and he was bored.
"Harry, this is a curse. You can't just wait for them to go away like you would if they occurred naturally. You have to use one of the remedies."
"Like drinking water upside-down and that stuff?"
"Yes."
"But that stuff doesn't actually work!"
Hermione displayed superhuman patience, as usual, and managed not to bop Harry on the head with a nearby First Year spellbook.
"Harry, the reason we all know about those methods is because they are used against the curse. It's playground stuff. Knowing the counteractions to the Hiccup Hex is like…like knowing headache or hangover cures. There are curses that mimic the symptoms of naturally occurring unpleasantries. The 'cures' only work against the curse, but it filtered down into Muggle culture as curing the natural affliction, too…" Hermione trailed off, aware that Harry had lost interest.
He was in the midst of counting hiccups and poking his diaphragm in irritation.
"…and vanilla pudding increases fish scales to twenty times their fudge, Hogwarts bananas are endangered presents to Spain, and Trelawny is streaking," she continued in the same tone.
Harry still wasn't paying attention.
"Sex!" Hermione intoned loudly. Harry snapped to attention.
"-hic-What?"
"Harry, come here. We're going through the hiccup remedies until you're done. First—"
"Can we do the spoon-hic-ful of sugar first?"
"No. Here, try to drink this glass of water upside-down. A few sips should do. Just try not to—"
The glass spilled, drenching the common room's carpet and getting up Harry's nose. He shot upright, wrinkling his nose.
Hemrione stifled a snicker. Harry glared at her, sneezing violently.
"I suppose we could try a spoonful of sugar," Hermione conceded. She Summoned a spoon and a sugar bowl from the kitchens. She measured out exactly one spoonful of sugar and handed it carefully to Harry.
He took the spoon and gave a mighty hiccup; the accompanying jerk showered the wet carpet with sugar.
Several spoonfuls later, Harry had eaten nearly half of the bowl's contents and was still hiccupping like mad.
Hermione passed a hand over her eyes.
"There's only one more thing I can think of," she began.
Ron came down the stairs to the Common Room, tossing a ball of crumpled-up parchment from hand to hand.
"Ron! Where –hic- are you going?" Harry called as Ron headed straight for the portrait hole.
Ron started guiltily. "What? Oh, sorry! Didn't see you two hiding in the corner over there. What's going on?" he queried, neatly sidestepping Harry's question.
"Harry wants to follow Zacharias Smith. He thinks Smith's up to something. But Smith hit Harry with a Hiccup Hex, so Harry has to get rid of them before he even thinks about going off on a spying mission."
"Have you tried drinking water upside-down? Or sugar? That usually works," Ron offered.
Harry hiccupped, glowered, and gestured at the sugary puddle on the carpet.
"Ah. Well, there's only one thing left," Ron said, throwing the parchment on the fire as he jogged over to his friends. "So, how do we do it?" he asked.
"What d'you –hic- mean?" Harry interrupted, confused.
"We have to scare you," Hermione clarified. Harry burst out laughing.
"I've faced Volde-hic-mort or someone else trying to –hic- kill me at least once a year for –hic- the past six years! What am I –hic- supposed to be scared of, besi-hic- besides Dementors?" Harry pointed out.
Hermione studied him critically, then pulled Ron off into a corner. The two had a fierce, whispered conversation. Harry sat on the couch and hiccupped.
After a few minutes, they returned. Hermione was looking grimly satisfied and Ron mortally embarrassed.
"C'mon, mate," he muttered to Harry. "Hermione says I've got to take you with me."
"So where –hic- were you going, anyway?" Harry asked, trotting down the corridor behind Ron. "–hic- Are we going to the same place –hic- now?"
"You know, you sound like you're about four. And yes, we're going to where I was going," Ron responded. Harry noted with interest that Ron's ears were glowing a cheerful red by this time.
"So where are –hic- we going, though?"
"Shut up a minute."
Harry hiccupped.
A moment later, a voice called out of a nearby alcove.
"Weasley?"
"Yeah."
Draco Malfoy stepped out. A blond eyebrow arched at the sight of Harry.
Harry, predictably, hiccupped. The archenemies stared at each other for a short time. Ron braced himself as both boys exploded at once.
"Malfoy? Why were -hic- you meeting Malfoy?"
"Why did you bring Potter?"
"What the hell? I'm his –hic- best friend!"
"Like hell you are! You aren't attached at the hip!"
"And –hic- you are?"
"That doesn't even make sense!"
"Neither do you! –hic- Why are you—"
"SHUT UP A MINUTE, BOTH OF YOU! Look, Harry's been hit with a Hiccupping Hex, and nothing's worked so we're trying to scare him."
"What does this have to do with me?" Draco demanded at the same time Harry asked "What does that –hic- have to do with him?"
Ron shifted uncomfortably, then lunged for the blonde, pulling him into a heated kiss.
Harry stared.
"Ah, I see," Draco said when they finally pulled apart. He noticed Harry's expression. "Do shut your mouth, Pothead. All that hot air in your head will escape."
"But—when—how did you—and Hermione knew? How did she find—I mean, did you…I can't believe this…" Harry trailed off, stunned.
Ron flushed.
"Er, I'll explain later, but Hermione was right, wasn't she? This did cure your hiccups…"