Freefall
Author: Lexie
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Rating: PG-13
Summary: "The clock ticks as another second passes and it makes you wonder if you will be living this day for the rest of your life." The death of CJ's father brings her, and Toby, to Dayton.
12:15 am
You call me from the airport, asking me to make sure your fish is fed, but we both know you're not really calling about a goldfish. I tell you Carol will take care of it, and what I mean to say is that everything will be all right. When I ask you if you're sure you have everything else you need, I'm silently asking if you're sure you don't want me to come with you. By the deep sigh I hear from your end, I know you either don't want me there or can't stand to let me know you need me. I don't always know, maybe you're just hard too read, but I think I was just never good at this. I hear them call your flight to Dayton, so I tell you to call me when you get there, and you just give me a miserable chuckle and hang up.
3:45 am
I wake up only half an hour after falling asleep. Looking at the clock, I know your plane will land soon and I write a note to myself to make sure Carol feeds your fish.
5:36 am
You call me from Ohio and tell me you're still in the airport. You got in a while ago, but you claim it's too early in the morning to do anything now. I fix my tie because I still have to go into work today. I know your brothers don't get in until later in the day and that you're hoping your stepmother won't notice if you sit in the airport all day until they arrive.
I know the sleep deprivation will have no effect on my work - it's the wondering and worrying about you that will get me at the office.
I tell you to go see your step mother, and I hear you click your phone shut.
8:06 pm
"I'm half way to their house."
"You decided not to wait for your brothers?"
"Molly called my phone wondering where I was."
"Ah."
"I wasn't ready for this, Toby."
"Is anybody ever ready?"
"Smart ass."
10:41 am
Leo asks about you and I tell him you got to Dayton this morning.
You tell Molly you wish you'd been there when he died, and she says he'd been asking for you.
12:18 pm
Ginger tells me you're on line one, and as soon as I pick up, I can hear someone calling flight numbers.
"I thought you went to the house?"
"I came back. My brother's arriving soon."
I nod in understanding, even though you can't see me.
"The funeral home gives me the creeps."
I almost laugh at that. "Can you go to another one?"
"They all give me the creeps."
"CJ, are you sure you don't want me to-"
"I need to do this myself, Toby."
I don't think you do, but I just tap my fingers on the desk instead of saying so.
You tell me your brother will be arriving any minute now, and say goodbye.
6:58 pm
I'm still at the office, and I call your cell phone. Your brother answers and tells me you're driving back from the funeral home and that he won't let you drive and talk at the same time, "because that's what big brothers do".
But I can hear your sniffles in the background, and remember that you would never let me see you vulnerable. I ask again to speak to you, and he says you'll call back later.
9:22 pm
I walk through my door and immediately see the answering machine isn't blinking. I pick up the phone and dial your cell phone number.
It continues to ring, but you just sit at the table staring at the phone, and take another puff of your cigarette.
Molly tells you to just answer it but you're afraid you'll admit that you don't think you can handle this. It's not fair. You weren't ready. You can't remember what the last thing you said to him was.
I finally hang up, then dial Andy's number.
7:33 am
"You never called me back."
"I'm calling you back now."
I lean against the headboard and start to flip through the Sunday Morning paper.
You're already dressed and rifling through the kitchen, not for breakfast, but just to kill the time.
"We bury him tomorrow afternoon."
"I can fly in tonight."
"No Toby. This is not the way to meet my family."
"How are they?"
You slam the cutlery drawer shut and sigh, trying to find a way to put all this pain into words.
"They're… numb."
"What if I just come down for the service?"
You resign and tell me to do whatever the hell I want.
11:37 am
Leo has OK'd the time off and tells me to send you his condolences. The airline tells me the fastest way for me to get to Dayton today is to fly into Cincinnati and drive there. I wonder how many people are actually flying into Dayton today, but I keep all my bitter commentary to myself. I call Ginger to give her instructions, and she laughs when I ask her to make sure Carol feeds your fish.
Andy isn't surprised when I tell her I'll be out of town for a few days. She wishes me a safe flight and sends her condolences. Then she says the twins need her, and hangs up.
I realise I've never been so unsure. For a moment, I want to hate you because I was rarely less than certain before you. Now, you make me hesitate; you make me jump off the edge with my eyes closed. You make me willing to do too much that scares the shit out of me.
6:03 pm
I arrive in Cincinnati and rent a car, only to find out I'm actually in Kentucky. Turns out the Cincinnati International Airport is not in Cincinnati but in Northern Kentucky.
This, apparently, is how we do things in the United States of America.
9:28 pm
It's already dark by the time I get to Dayton and find your father's house. As I pull into the driveway, you're sitting on the front porch, cradling a beer in your hands. You look up at me, surprised that I came tonight.
1:33 am
You sit beside me out front on the porch swing and whisper stories to me about how your father would take you fishing. You regret complaining about it constantly. You wonder if you should be telling me anything at all, if you'll be sorry about this in the morning.
You say there were times you desperately wished you mom was still alive because you just weren't sure if you and your brothers could handle it alone (Molly didn't seem to be much of a factor in anything). But there were so many times you were grateful she wasn't around to see him deteriorate. And you never use the term Alzheimer's. It's the press secretary in you. Just like the term recession, saying it makes it real.
When you talk about what you and your brothers used to do to each other as kids, you laugh so hard you almost cry. And then you just cry because there's nothing else to say or do.
9:13 am
I'm tempted not to wake you as you finally fell asleep just a few hours ago. But looking at you laying on your childhood bed with your head on my chest, I know you'll blame me if you wake up and find that Hogan has already arrived.
I shake you gently until you groan - "Stooooop."
"Your brothers went to pick up Hogan at the airport. They're going to be here soon."
You moan and open your eyes, "Two more minutes."
The clock ticks as another second passes and it makes you wonder if you will be living this day for the rest of your life.
3:22 pm
Hogan appears in the doorway wearing her hair down and for a split second, in my mind, she looks just like you. She says the cars are here to drive us to the service and disappears down the hallway. You look tragically beautiful with your black skirt sitting on your thin hips and your blouse coming down past your wrists. Your earrings intermingle with your hair and dangle against my cheek as I kiss your neck gently. You shiver as my lips touch your skin and you whisper - "Thank you." as I wrap my arms around your waist.
Now, as I jump off the edge with my eyes closed, I'm holding onto you in our own disastrous lovers' freefall.
11:10 am
You hold my hand as we walk through the airport and you help me find my ticket. You held my hand throughout the service, and after we had sex on your bed last night, you took my hand in yours. On occasion you'd squeeze my hand gently, just to make sure I was really there.
You're tempted to ask me to stay in a last moment of desperation, but you bite your tongue. I'm tempted to offer to stay, but I'm learning that giving you something is only worth it if I know you want it. Mostly, I'm not sure you're willing to let me see you break down in tears every night before you finally fall asleep.
We kiss goodbye, and you say you will be back in Washington in a few days, and I tell you to take your time.