Disclaimers: I don't have any rights on the characters of this story even if the plot is mine.
Author's Note: I've taking a liking to this story, dreaming about it and craving to write more. I hope that any who reads it like it, if not, don't be scared to tell me why. This story is the sequel of The Blinding Light which I would suggest to read before this one. Season five never happened in this story, everything else happened. Special thanks to Arlene for helping me improve my vocabulary, Cinn for giving me motivation to continue this when I had lost inspiration and lastly but most importantly to Raven for helping me make stories great instead of average.
It Doesn't Matter
Chapter 1: I Am Happy That I Have You Even Though You're Not Here Now
The sunrays blinded Rory as she quietly closed the door of the highway motel room in order to not wake her friend from his peaceful sleep. She took her keys out, unlocked her car and sat on the driver's seat. She rolled down every window by pressing the adequate buttons on the door. She flipped the glove compartment open and retrieved a pack of cigarettes. After she lit one, she inhaled deeply then exhaled the grey smoke from her lungs. Rory closed her eyes for an instant to savor the intoxicating feel of nicotine that spread inside her body. Ever since her fist cigarette drag almost a year ago she still felt her lungs burn but she didn't care anymore. She needed it to relax her after their little "encounters."
Rory sat on the bed as Dean put his clothes back on. Her eyes cold and hard as she looked at him, he glanced at his watch, "I really have to go Rory, Lindsay is expecting me for dinner and I…."
She dismissed his explanation with a bored attitude, "Yeah, I know, same song all over again. I'm still waiting for you to tell me that I'm the one you love and that you'll leave her soon. That things aren't working anymore and that you'll leave her soon."
In frustration, Dean pounded his fist against the wall yelling, "What am I supposed to do Rory!" Softening his voice a little, as he sat beside her, "I promise we're working on the details, just be a little more patient."
She shifted her position, covered her naked chest with the sheets, reached for his ring on the nightstand and saw a forgotten pack of cigarettes. Instead of grabbing his wedding band, she took a cigarette, and lit it. She inhaled the smoke, almost choking at the burning sensation in her lungs. She exhaled her grey cloud of smoke in his direction, and then spit out, "I was patient, still am." Taking another drag that made her dizzy, she continued her tirade, "But don't you think that a year is long enough to make the divorce arrangement? Don't you think I've been patient enough?"
Dean tried to get a hold of her cigarette, but she moved it away from him, "Rory, this is not you. You don't smoke remember?"
With a devilish smile, she whispered, "I do now."
He tried to get a hold of the cigarette again begging, "Come on Rory, this is not you."
She laughed, a hysterical chortle that chilled him to the bones, "It wasn't like me to become the other woman either, was it?" Completely ignoring him, she put out the cigarette in the ashtray, stood up uncaring that she was completely naked and started to dress slowly. Once dressed, she took the pack of cigarettes and exited the room without another word, blocking out his begging for her to come back and talk about their situation.
After a couple of drags, her hands stopped shaking, she inserted the key into the ignition and sped away, relieved that her companion had still been asleep and therefore able to avoid one of their conversations that held so many promises for the future yet none that were ever achieved.
Rory parked her car in the driveway in front of her house, climbed out and slammed the door shut. As she stepped onto the porch, the front door opened. Rory looked boringly at Lorelai who stood inside the frame; a bright welcome smile plastered on her face and saw her mother's smile fade. Whatever Lorelai was about to say didn't cross her lips as Rory passed by her without exchanging a word.
Sadness filled Lorelai's eyes as she watched her once-upon-a-time perfect daughter who could do no wrong, enter her room and slam the door forcefully. Lorelai sat on the couch, feeling lonely and vulnerable. Once again, her nostrils didn't miss her daughter's smoky smell, her eyes registered Rory's messy hair and the vague look in her eyes. Eyes which used to be so vivid and bright now looked dull and bored.
Lorelai tried to remember when the rift between them had begun to widen. She heard Rory come out of her room and enter the bathroom. She looked at the clock, counted that they still had three hours before Luke would come and pick them up for the fourth of July celebration at the Gilmore mansion. She closed her eyes and let the soft melody of the shower rock her to sleep.
"I hate you for ruining this for me!" Rory stormed out of the house while Lorelai wiped tears of deception as she remembered her guests at the Dragonfly Inn test run week end.
She opened the door to see Rory on the step curled in a ball, crying her heart out. Slowly, she approached her daughter and curled behind her. Lorelai held in her arms the trembling body of her now grown-up daughter, weeping with her for what seemed like hours even if their tears were for different reasons.
As the summer went by, Rory had left for a small trip around Europe with Emily. On the night of her return, Lorelai had organized a mother-daughter movie night. Ever since that night when they cried their hearts out a month and a half ago, they had come to a silent agreement to not talk about it. At first they were nervous around each other, but the strong bond between them made everything seem normal. Half way through the movie, Rory paused the movie and turned to face her mother and best friend. She whispered, "I wanted to tell you that I've given this a lot of thought, and you were right."
Lorelai's mind screamed 'Don't go there Rory. Things are great for us now, please, push the play button' but instead she asked innocently, "What was I right about honey?"
Rory bit her lower lip, disconcerted to realize that this was harder to do than she had imagined. Her stomach jumped a little at the thought of the damage that could be done. She took a deep breath, with the decision that honesty was the best way to do this, "It was wrong to sleep with Dean. You were right. He played me, I saw him today walking with Lindsay, they were laughing and he completely ignored me as if I was a stranger."
Lorelai put one arm around Rory's shoulders and squeezed her daughter closer to her searching for words of comfort but somehow the words kept escaping.
As her mother remained quiet, Rory snuggled closer in Lorelai's embrace, pressing the 'play button'.
In the shower, Rory washed her hair and used her vanilla scented shampoo. As the scent hit her nostrils, sickness invaded her.
A week before her return for her second year at Yale, Rory sat at Luke's. She was engrossed in her book and never saw her mother come down the stairs, shoes in hand to be silent, followed closely by a flustered Luke. She didn't see them walk in the kitchen to exchange one last passionate kiss before Lorelai left by the back door. So distracted was Rory by her book, she never saw her mom pass in front of the window to re-enter by the door.
Lorelai sat in front of Rory and had to snatch the book away from Rory's sight to get some attention. Luke walked to the table, an empty mug in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other one. He filled Lorelai's cup and they exchanged a smile, before he walked away.
"What was that all about? Talk about weirdness." Rory exclaimed.
A blush over Lorelai's cheek, she smiled warmly at her daughter, "Well, you see, I've been meaning to tell you but…" She glanced over at Luke, who was arguing with Caesar for no reason, and blurted out, softly, "We've been dating for almost two months and have been trying to avoid the gossip chain for as long as possible."
Rory looked hurt, "But you could have told ME!"
Uncomfortable, Lorelai mumbled, "Well, it would have been hard to tell you at the time since I was yelling at you." Seeing the watery eyes in front of her, she apologized, "I'm sorry, it's just that I didn't want to bring THAT night up, and I had no way around it."
Rory forced a smile as she stood up, "Well, it's okay. I'm gonna take a walk."
Not deceived by Rory's response, Lorelai pleaded, "Rory, let's talk about it, please!"
Rory made a dismissive gesture with her hand as she left the diner. She willed her tears not to fall when a hand grabbed her arm forcing her into the alley behind the diner; her scream was cut off by lips that crushed hers. Her eyes widened, trying to focus on the face pressed against her own. Through wisps of tousled hair, she recognized him.
Dean
She tried to push him away in vain; he wrapped his arms around her, holding her protectively and whispered, "I missed you, why didn't you return my phone calls?"
Rory struggled to break free again, without any success, "Because it's wrong. You're with Lindsay, you are married. I became the mistress, a role I don't particularly want."
While he kissed her jaw line hungrily, "But it's you I love; you just have to be patient a bit. She said she wanted to try one last time. How could I tell her 'no'?"
Rory finally broke free, started to walk away, but he caught her hand. She looked into his eyes, his gentle eyes that were pleading her to let him explain. A little sniff from the nose before she said, "Shouldn't you give her a chance then?"
Dean passed his hand nervously through his hair, "I don't want to but it's the only way that she will let me go eventually, if I pretend to try. I don't love her, I never did. I love YOU."
Rory pondered on what he just said, "How long will you make me wait for you?"
Seeing her softening, Dean proposed, "We can still see each other, but we won't be able to go public until I'm out of the house. But you're the one I love." Dean lowered his face to capture her lips, in one passionate kiss.
Rory responded eagerly to the kiss, her heart willing to be swept away but her mind murmured 'You're smarter than that Rory, he's playing you both.'
She hesitated for a fraction of second and broke the contact. As she looked into his big expecting eyes, she chose her heart and kissed him hungrily.
As Dean directed her in a dark corner of the alley, pushing her against Luke's Diner back wall, he raised her skirt and ripped her underwear. The tension and adrenaline of the possibility of being caught increasing both of their want. Rory unbuttoned his jeans, freeing him from his boxers. Just before Dean made his first forceful trust inside of her, the scent of freshly baked vanilla cake, mixed with the decaying odor of the garbage hit her nostrils.
Rory sent the bottle of vanilla shampoo flying against the door of the bathroom, completely disgusted by the scent. She reached for her mother's strawberry scented shampoo, pouring as much as her slender hand could hold. Hastily, she scrubbed her hair, trying to rid herself of the hateful vanilla and the images it brought as she sank slowly onto the cold porcelain, the scalding water and her hot tears washing over her.
Rory came out of the shower, feeling less dirty than she had before. She saw her mother asleep, curled on the couch trying to keep her warm. A glimpse of tenderness flickered in her eyes, walking to the rocking chair near the window; she grabbed a pink blanket to cover her mother tenderly with it. She kneeled down beside her mom and whispered, "I know you don't believe it anymore, but I'm sorry." She kisses her mother's forehead, "I love you mom. I always will." Lorelai smiled softly in her slumber, "but I'll need a break soon."
Rory stood and walked to her room. She closed the door quietly, and started to make a list of the things she would need for her project to work. Slowly, her eyelids got heavier, she fell asleep, her head on her list, and as for the previous two years, he would be there, waiting for her in her dream.
Rory was running down the beach, trying to avoid being caught. She glanced behind her but nobody was there. Under the full moon, surrounded by the woods, she stood in the middle of the private beach, alone. A wolf bayed at the moon, sending shivers all over her body. Afraid to attract the wolf if she screamed, she asked softly, "Tristan? Where are you?" She turned around, seeking the shadows to find him. "Tristan, this isn't funny. Who knows what's out here. I could get attacked by a bear and he would eat me a…" She felt two arms slid around her waist from behind her and she screamed, "Arggg!"
Tristan chuckled in her ear, "I highly doubt that a bear would eat you. They are usually vegetarian… unless they have already tasted blood."
She turned around to face him and slapped his chest hard. "You bumbling idiot! You scared me to death!" She tried to hit him again but he caught hold of her wrists, infuriating her even more. "Let go of me! You weren't supposed to play hide and seek. We were supposed to take a run to the lake."
A smirk on his lips, he hissed, "Is that so? And I thought you were running away from me again." He lowered his head to be level with hers, their lips so close, "Tell me, what are you scared of, that you'll become addicted to me? Or that if you finally give in I'll drop you like an old sock?"
Rory's eyes widened at his insinuations, she replied sharply, "I know you would… because for you a girl is just a plaything." Anger replaced by sadness, she stopped struggling, and let herself fall on the sand. "You couldn't be more of a jerk even if you wanted to."
He sat beside her, and then lay down on the sand, both of his hands resting under his head. "That's not true." He looked up at the sky and sighed deeply, "But you always stop me when things get interesting. It's getting frustrating."
Rory laid down and used his shoulder as a pillow, "I'm just asking for affection, a little romance."
He closed his eyes, "You know that I'm not good at that kind of thing, but I'm trying very hard."
She closed her eyes also and snuggled against him, "I know." Then she murmured, "I am happy, that I have you…"
"…Even though you're not here now." Rory sighed reliving every moment of her dream before opening her eyes. As she fully awakened she picked up her hairbrush and wondered how he would be if she was to meet him again. In every dream, he had a different personality, sometimes a player, sometimes a romantic, other times he was dangerous and rebellious but in each dream, they were together.
A soft knock on the door was heard just before it opened to reveal Lorelai. She asked softly, "Are you ready, Luke will be here any minute now. I guess we both overslept." But as she saw the tears forming in her daughter's eyes, Lorelai walked over to the bed, hoping that this time her daughter would accept to be comforted. As she embraced her daughter in her arms, she felt Rory stiffen. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Rory let out a sob as she shook her head no. She felt her mother stroking her hair softly and let herself relax. "There's just too much I would love to erase, too much that I hid from you." She looked into her mother's eyes begging for understanding, "I just wouldn't know where to begin." Lorelai held her tighter, "I'm so very sorry mom."
"Shush, everything will be okay in time." Lorelai whispered while her heart broke for the thousandth time in the previous two years. Lorelai was only too happy that her daughter's shell seemed to finally crack, she whispered, "Take your time Rory, we'll have plenty of time to talk." She held her now shivering daughter tightly.
Luke entered the Gilmore girls' house to find Lorelai holding her sobbing daughter. As Luke's gaze met Lorelai, he understood that this moment shouldn't be interrupted. He nodded understandingly, happy that things might finally get back to normal; he decided to go prepare some coffee for when they would come out of Rory's room.
To say that Emily Gilmore was steaming was an understatement. Her daughter and grand-daughter were late tonight of all nights. As she glanced at the grandfather clock like she had done for the last two hours, she cursed under her breath, "Leave it to Lorelai to humiliate me by being late again." Going back into the garden, where her reception was already in full motion, she muttered, "Not her usual twenty minutes, but two hours and a half." She forced a smile on her face before joining her guests again.
In front of the mansion, Lorelai couldn't bring herself to ring the bell. How could she possibly explain her tardiness of three hours to her mom? Rory squeezed her hand and murmured, "I'm sorry I made us late."
Lorelai squeezed Rory's hand back and rang the doorbell, "don't worry about that. She's always expecting me to deceive her anyway."
Emily opened the door but instead of letting them entering, she came out and closed the door behind her. While she glared coldly at Lorelai, her feature froze in a maddening expression; Lorelai took a step back. As the elder Gilmore inhaled an immense amount of air in her lungs to try to keep her cool, Lorelai couldn't help but notice like so many times before how big her mother's nostrils inflated by that action. Forcing her face to remain solemn in full knowledge of the sermon about to hit her, Lorelai made a mental note to mock Emily's nostrils with Rory later on.
"Why do you always have to humiliate me Lorelai?" The voice was cool and controlled but increased an octave for the rest of the sentence, "Do you know how many people asked me where you were?" Regaining her calm, she asked, "What was the emergency this time? You broke a heel or did you have to clean your house to find matching shoes? Or was it because there was a marathon of one of your absurd teenage shows?"
Rory cut in, and forced her cerulean eyes to open wide in innocence, "It was my fault grandma and I'm sorry." Emily faced Rory, looking suspicious but she didn't have time to comment, "See, I really like this guy that I was dating and this afternoon he broke up with me." Lorelai raised an eyebrow questioningly, a happy smile slowly forming on her lips, hoping that she heard correctly and that Dean did end their relationship, "And I broke down in tears and mom was there to comfort me. I'm really sorry grandma."
Emily softened a little, an understanding smile graced her feature, and she wrapped an arm around Rory's shoulder, "Are you feeling better now dear?" Emily opened the door, guiding Rory inside leaving Luke and Lorelai to follow. Rory glanced at her mother over her shoulder, winked and looked back in front.
Lorelai shook her head sadly; apparently, her daughter had learned to lie very well.
Rory was walking around the garden; she needed to get away from the crowd of annoying people that kept on hinting that she needed to meet their son as she was currently single. These people tried to convince her that a powerful union with the Gilmore family and theirs would be great. So many people, yet she felt so alone. She saw the bench where she and Tristan had sat together, trying to get reacquainted in one of her dreams. She closed her eyes trying to remember the way she had felt in her dream, the way she had felt excited and curious about knowing more about him but to top it all, mostly she had anticipated his kiss. The way they had run away together. She sighed deeply, sad that it was only a dream. She opened her eyes, stood up and started to walk back toward the crowd only to stop in her tracks as she saw him.
She sat back on the bench, observing him as he had yet to see her. He looked taller than he did before when he was in high school, and his frame was more built and defined than before too. His once disheveled haircut much shorter, almost shaved. His eyes looked boringly at his interlocutor, an older version of Tristan. Tristan replied something that Rory couldn't hear in the distance but she could see the way his eyes had turned cold. He left the elder hastily, ignoring the rest of the discussion. The other man stormed in the different direction as Tristan was walking straight toward her.
She saw him make a stop at the table containing all of the liquor for the guests to drink. Completely ignoring the bartender hired to serve the drinks, he took a translucent bottle and continued in her direction. As he got closer to her, she saw him open the bottle and take a large swig of the beverage.
Tristan felt his frustration dissolve as the alcohol begun to disperse in his blood. His throat burned from the tequila he just had, his eyes watered blurring the vision in front of him. Certain that his eyes were playing some trick on him; he blinked to get rid of the watery sensation in his eyes. The vision in front of him stayed the same, but it couldn't be. Yes it could, after all he was at the Gilmore's. Watching, he saw that she was thinner than before, probably too thin. Her eyes which used to be vivid were now red and seemed to be too large in her skinny face, dark bags surrounding them. But somehow she was still beautiful, but a lot more intriguing as to how she could have changed so much since the night he had left. Seeing a faint blush over her too pale skin, he smirked and sat beside her.
The blush on her cheeks increased at the closeness of the subject of her fantasies. Both of them unknowing what to say, Tristan gulped another shot of Tequila then offered the bottle to Rory. She looked at the bottle suspiciously before taking it and drinking a big amount. She choked at the burning sensation in her body. She gave the bottle back, her eyes watery, wiped her mouth and eyes.
Tristan chuckled at her reaction, "You haven't changed that much after all."
She turned to face Tristan, a playful smile on her lips, "What do you mean by that?"
Slightly drunk from the drinks he previously had, he raised his hand to caress her cheek softly, "You lost too much weight." Then he retrieved his hand to pull out a pack of cigarettes, "But you're still the same innocent little Mary."
She let out a bitter laugh, letting her head fall back, "Hardly." Then pointing to the cigarettes he had just retrieved, she asked, "Care to share one of those?"
Tristan smiled lazily, "Sure you won't choke on it?"
Rory snatched the cigarette away from him, with a wicked smile she said, "Try me." She retrieved a small, silver lighter from her purse, lit up the cigarette and took a long satisfying drag. She exhaled a cloud of grey smoke savoring the burning sensation.
Tristan lit up his own, took another shot of Tequila. "So now you smoke." He passed the bottle to Rory who took it, "But tell me, why you're avoiding the party."
She took a shot of Tequila, her throat burning less this time, "Was sick of people trying to match me with their sons."
The bottle going back into his hands, he grinned, "Who would have thought? Rory Gilmore drinking and smoking."
Shifting position, Rory looked into his eyes, she whispered her thoughts, "This is definitely not the way I imagined how we would meet again."
He brought his face closer to hers, "Thought about me much?" She blushed but didn't answer. He chuckled, stroked her hair softly, "Come on, tell me."
Rory took the bottle from his hands, sipped it, "Well, I had different scenarios but none implied that we would get drunk together."
A satisfied smirk, he reached out to her and whispered, "You're still beautiful, but somehow different." He closed the small distance between them and kissed her softly.
Her eyes opened wide in surprise, she whimpered, "That was unexpected." But before he could answer, she kissed him again. Why she kissed him, she wouldn't be able to say. Maybe because of the dreams she had of him, maybe because she was simply attracted. But the only important thing right now was that he was there, somehow in a way she had never imagined him to be, but it was still Tristan.
He broke the contact, his eyes cold. He had only kissed her to infuriate her, he didn't know what to make of her reaction but she was nowhere near the girl he used to like. Softly he asked, "What happened to you?"
She blushed, her eyes becoming watery, she looked away. She willed the tears not to fall, she murmured, "It's a long story." Then she locked her eyes with his, "One I'd rather not talk about."
He didn't comment, instead he simply gave her the nearly empty bottle, watched her drink from it. She looked so tired, and so lost. Nothing like the Chilton girl that didn't care about gossip and knew exactly how the path ahead of her was defined.
He was interrupted in his thoughts by her soft voice, "Tell me about you instead."
He smirked, "Not much to say." Then on second thought he added, "I'd rather not talk about myself." Leaning closer to her, "Tell me, why you kissed me."
She shrugged her shoulder, now ashamed of her actions, "I felt like it." Then she whispered, "Sorry if I offended you."
Tristan chuckled, "Takes a lot more to offend me."
She asked innocently, "Care to try again?"
Memories of another bench not so far from where they were, where they had had the same conversation except she was the one that asked this time around. He closed the distance between them, "Hell yes." And kissed her again. This time forcefully, he forced his tongue inside her mouth and heard her moan. He broke the contact again, looking at her intensely. His voice hoarse, "That and I'm willing that we try a lot more things together." He raised an eyebrow suggestively, knowing that it would make her blush, and it did.
She was about to answer, but another voice was calling out to her, "Rory! We are leaving!"
Feeling bold, she kissed him again, stood up and whispered, "Maybe next time Tristan."
She walked away from him, at the same time she retrieved a piece of gum from her purse, putting it inside her mouth. He smirked, "It was a pleasure Rory."
She looked at him over her shoulder, winked at him before she joined a beautiful woman he assumed was her mother. In another time, he might have asked for her number, but not this time. He felt that she held too much drama and instability in her life. Somehow, he felt that if they met again, it would be their downfall.
Rory woke up in the morning, her head hurting but a dreamy look in her eyes. She met Lorelai in the kitchen who was sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. She grumbled, "'morning."
Lorelai watched Rory pour a cup of coffee, a smile gracing her lips. Lorelai couldn't help but also smile as she saw Rory sit in front of her, her eyes more luminous than they had been in a long time. "If I had known that getting you drunk was the way to make you smile again, I would have done it a long time ago."
Rory froze, "You knew?"
Lorelai sipped her coffee, "Of course I knew but you're an adult, what can I do?" Then she laughed, "I did a lot worse, a lot younger."
Rory smiled then asked hopeful, "So do you know how to get rid of that pain in my head?"
She watched her daughter mischievously, "Not if it's going to get that smile off your face."
Rory shrugged her shoulders, "I feel happy, I don't think that anything could ruin my day today."
Lorelai asked excitingly, happy that they seemed to have their old ways back, "Alcohol made you happy?" She raised an eyebrow, "It might not be a good thing after all then."
Rory drank her coffee, "It' wasn't the drinking really, more my drinking companion." Lorelai looked at Rory expectantly, "Let's say I was reacquainted with an old school friend last night." She sipped her coffee slowly, teasing her mother, "Tristan was there last night."
Lorelai searched her memory for recognition of the name, but gave up, "Should I remember Tristan?"
"Not really, you never met him." Rory stood up and walked toward her room, "We had kissed at a party." She walked inside her room to retrieve clean underwear.
"Ah, Romeo, Tristan." She watched Rory come out of the room heading for the bathroom, "But why did it make you happy to see him again?"
"Don't know, it just did." She walked inside the bathroom for a shower, hoping it would ease the pain in her head.
Luke smiled again as he glanced at the girls talking and laughing. Both acting like the way they used to a long time ago and it felt good inside his heart to see them going back to normal. He took hold of the coffee pot, intending on going over to fill their mugs when he saw Rory blanch, her eyes that were so happy a minute ago filled with tears. Not understanding how it could have happened so suddenly, he glanced at Lorelai but it was no help to him as he saw the confused look on her face. He followed Rory's eyes to see Dean holding Lindsay happily and making her turn around. Dean kissed Lindsay as Rory stood up and left the diner hurriedly, her face blanching even more after she heard something Dean had said to Lindsay. As Rory ran away crying, Luke joined Lorelai, "Do you understand what just happened?"
She shook her head sadly, "Unfortunately, I think I do."
Rory sat on the bridge and watched a swan moving on the lake lazily. "How could I have been so blind?" Another sob escaped her lips, she mimicked Dean, "But Rory, we live under the same roof but we never do anything. It's just a façade." The angry tears escaped her eyes, "Congratulations Dean! You're the happiest man on earth, you got Lindsay pregnant." She smashed her fist on the bridge, "It should have been me!" She lay down on the bridge, looking at the sky, remembering as the tears continued to fall.
She was waiting for Dean to get there, she was early that day but she was just so excited. The door of the room opened and Dean appeared in the doorway. She ran in his arms excitingly. She was laughing with tears of joy in her eyes. Dean kissed her hungrily. She broke the kiss and whispered, "We're pregnant Dean."
Dean looked at her angrily, "How could you? We were always safe." He sat on the old crumpling chair, held his head inside both of his hands, "Can't be happening. Can't be mine." He stood up, relaxing a bit as he reached a hasty decision. He walked over to Rory, sat beside her. "We can't keep it Rory."
She looked at him with furry in her eyes, "It's our baby Dean. It's a symbol of our love. We can't just get rid of that!"
He sighed, "I love you Rory, and you know it. But think about it, you just finished your second year of college."
Rory stood up and paced the room trying to think clearly. Dean, her Dean was asking her to get rid of their baby? "We will manage! You'll have to move close to Yale, we'll live together, while I'm in class you would take care of the baby."
Trying to sound logical and not completely scared, "What about money Rory? We'll need money, I'll have to work."
In desperation, Rory tried to convince Dean, "We're in love. We will manage."
He walked over to her, held her tightly, "We will have a baby, someday. Not now, later, when you graduate. But not now."
Something broke inside of Rory.
Rory lay in her bed shivering; feeling the emptiness inside her belly that she hadn't completely acknowledged. It had been painful and she truly felt that something was torn away from her. It had. She wiped her tears away, remembering how Dean held her hand during the whole process of killing their child. She was haunted by the way his eyes showed that he didn't care in the least while it was breaking her apart. Lorelai came to check up on her. "Rory, tell me what happened. Please."
Her gaze never leaving the ceiling, an empty of emotion gaze that chilled Lorelai, Rory answered, "I'll be alright mom. Don't worry. I just feel like doing nothing today. I'll be my old self again tomorrow."
Lorelai sat beside Rory, she stated, "You're shivering." She touched her daughter forehead to see if it was burning. Perfect temperature, "Are you cold?"
Rory shook her head 'no'. Lorelai quietly left the room.
Rory was trying to get rid of the emptiness inside her by trying different things, filling the void with anything. She had kept on seeing Dean, hoping that his promises were real but not really believing in them anymore. After every encounter she was left even emptier, leaving her shaking with anger and sadness. Cigarettes became as important to her as coffee; she even began to try to do things to hurt Dean, like thinking more and more about Tristan, hoping that he would come to her rescue. Unconsciously knowing that she had chosen Tristan because it would hurt Dean even more, but slowly as time went by, she became more and more convinced that she had always liked Tristan. She even tried to imagine how things would have turned out if she had chosen to go to the PJ Harvey concert with him instead of going back to Dean. While she spent a lot of time with her fantasies, she became more distant to everyone and everything. Living her life like a zombie but living fully at night in her dreams.
Exhausted from crying, Rory had reached a decision. She would stop this madness; she couldn't keep on living like this, with her life empty of everything she should deserve. She sat up and wiped her tears away when Dean approached her. He sat beside her, his feet hanging over the bridge, "I've been looking everywhere for you."
She closed her eyes, mad at him and at herself. "Why should you?"
He fidgeted on a button and tried to explained, "It's not what you think it is."
Her eyes burned with a fire that had been absent for too long, she forced her voice calm, "I know." She paused, slightly amused by his discomfort, "I've been blind for too long, I loved you and I believed you. Now I despise you. I'm almost tempted to tell Lindsay about us." Dean opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out of it. "But I won't, I'll let her find out on her own that you're not worth any attention." She stood up, "I'm not sure why I believed you, but all I want to say is that I don't ever want to see you again."
She started to walk away but Dean followed, "You don't understand! I love you! Not her."
Rory cut him off, spitting her words out with an unknown venom, "Like you're not sleeping with her? Like you want to get a divorce?" She stormed away, to come back hastily. She smiled as she saw the smug grin on his lips and then she whispered, "Congratulations on the new member of your family." Her smile disappeared, "Now, just do everyone a favor, stay away from me. If you try to contact me again, I promise you that you'll lose everything."
She turned her back to him and he tried to call out to her one last time, "Rory, please let me explain."
She laughed, "You were always so predictable." A mischievous glint in her eyes, "That was the only slip up from you calling my name I am willing to let go."
Dean remained rooted on his spot for a long time, a really long time after she had disappeared from his vision. He felt shivers, finally understanding that he couldn't play both girls like he had meant.
Lorelai came home late that night; she had to fill in for Sookie after she had broken her wrist from a bad fall. Exhausted, she still went to check on Rory, to see if she felt better. She was met by the glowing light from the night stand, and an envelope on Rory's pillow. Slowly, she walked to the bed, sat on it, afraid of what that letter held. Not even trying to control her shaking hands, she reached the envelope, tore it open slowly, her heart constricted with pain and fear. Unfolding the letter, she took a deep breath, and started to read.
Mom,
I know that we've been on a roller coaster of emotions in the past years, that I've hid things from you and everyone. I've learned how to lie, how to fake. I've picked up bad habits and acted pretty stupid from time to time. I want to tell you that I'm sorry for all of it, hoping that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me someday.
There are so many things that I've hid and would like to share with you even if I know I'll deceive you once more. So many painful memories that I have to deal with along with my lies and own deceptions in myself.
That's why I'm writing this letter, to let you know that I'm alright, I'm on the right path to be. But for that, I need to get away. I'm sorry for not taking you along with me on this road trip, but I know you would ask questions I'm not yet ready to answer and without our regular lives surrounding us, it would be even harder to go along with our avoidance game. But don't worry, I'll be back soon. When I feel strong enough to do so, seeing that Yale begins again in less than two months, I should be back before then.
I absolutely intend to tell you everything the moment I come back but I can't tell you where I'm going because I honestly don't know yet. But I would like to ask you not to look for me.
I love you with all my heart and I've been an idiot for not listening to you. I'll try to call you as soon as I feel better.
Your daughter.
P.S. In case you are wondering, I ended things for real this time. Don't ask him about me, he doesn't know. I've forbidden him from even pronouncing my name again.
Lorelai ran out of the room to find the phone. She dialed Rory's cell number to hear the ringing sound coming from Rory's room. She pounded out Luke's number, waiting for Luke to answer, she cut the sleepy voice of her interlocutor,
"She left!"