Almost-but-not-quite RikuRoku. o.o
Horrible, horrible. I hate that I thought of this, hate that I wrote it, and hate that I'm actually fairly pleased with how it came out. Um...happy Friday the 13th, everyone.
(PS: I should let you all know that I'm a total reference whore; I'm open to anything that can make the idea work. I take things from KHI, KH2, FM, CoM, the manga, and the novelization...and if I decide that I'd rather ignore something, I do so. Why? Because I am the writer, and as such, I can do whatever I want. The term 'creative license' is a fanfiction writer's best friend, in my opinion.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.
It was a shock to wake up without Sora beside him; Sora always refused to leave Riku behind, these days. Not that Riku minded; here was where he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be here on Destiny Islands, with Sora and Kairi and Selphie and Tidus and Wakka. And Sora was right now supposed to be snuggled up with Riku, because Sora had a tendency to sleep late; fighting so long against the Heartless with a minimal amount of sleep would take its toll on anyone.
But Sora was missing; he had been for some time, probably. Riku didn't know why that made him so jittery, but…it wasn't like there was anyone out to get Sora any more, right?
The thought almost made him panic.
Breathe, Riku, he thought. Just think of all the places Sora could've gone.
He pulled on a shirt and a pair of sandals and left his room, heading outside. He could start by asking around; it was late enough for Riku's neighbors to be up.
"Hello, Miss Tilmitt," he called to Selphie's aunt. "Have you seen Sora this morning?"
She frowned at him. "I saw him running toward the docks around five o'clock. He looked like he was talking to himself."
Riku nodded toward the woman and turned toward the docks himself, hoping she'd just been imagining the talking. He wasn't worried for Sora; his heart was too strong to give into anything, and he was the Keyblade master. But he was just…worried. Worried because it was Sora…if that made any sense.
It did to Riku, and that was the important thing.
He reached the docks in record time and noticed that Sora's boat was gone. He sighed, ran a hand through his still-uncombed morning hair, and untied his own boat. As soon as it was ready, he started paddling toward the other island.
He spied Sora sitting on the low branch by the Paopu fruit tree. He felt relief wash over him in quantities so great he had a hard time figuring out where it was coming from. He didn't know, really, why he was so worried. Sora was strong. Sora was strong enough to resist the darkness which had swallowed Riku.
He approached his friend, who was sitting hunched over in a very foreign way. Before his fingers got within a foot of Sora's shoulder, the boy spoke in a sharp tone which Riku had never heard Sora use.
"If you touch Sora, I will rip your balls out and feed them to your father in soy sauce," he warned. "I don't care if it pisses him off later; I'm warning you to stay away. If you touch him, he'll freak out."
Riku scowled in frustration. "Sora? What are you-"
"I'm not Sora. Sora is not here right now, so you're gonna have to deal with me."
"What the-"
"It's Roxas, dimwit. If you don't have anything productive to say, then leave. You're making him nervous."
Needless to say, Riku was confused and irritated, but he could tell from that no-nonsense tone that Roxas was indeed ready and willing to maim him should he do something to the Nobody's displeasure.
"I don't know what you're playing at," he said quietly, "but I'll leave you alone for now. You will tell me what's going on at some point, do you understand?"
Roxas snorted. "Just get out of here. I'll bring him home later."
It was with tumultuous thoughts and intense frustration that Riku made his way home; but about two hours later, Sora (or was it Roxas?) dragged himself into Riku's house and fell asleep before Riku could ask any questions.
+-+
Sora woke with a smile on his lips and a bit of sleep at the corners of his eyes. He rubbed it away and fumbled with the covers before throwing them off and stretching out his body, which seemed tense for some unidentifiable reason.
He sighed contentedly and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He glanced at the window and realized it was much later than he normally woke, and he frowned. Why hadn't Riku woken him up?
Pushing himself off the bed, he wandered into the kitchen of Riku's house – where Riku was sure to be.
And Riku was there; he didn't seem very happy, though.
"Roxas, is Sora available now?"
Sora scratched his head. "Uh, Riku? Are you…awake? My name's Sora. Roxas is my Other."
Nobody sounded like such a harsh word. He'd been told that Nobodies only pretended to have hearts to fool others; that they were cruel and cold. He'd been misinformed. Everything had a right to exist; how could someone be mad at Roxas for existing, when it was Sora who'd lost his heart in the first place?
"So you're…you again."
"Of course I'm me. Who else would I be? And don't say 'Roxas,' because he doesn't like to come out anyway."
Riku finally turned away from the stove, and Sora was surprised and dismayed to see a look of pain on Riku's face. "Riku? Are you…"
"Is that what he says," he spat. "Is that what he told you?"
"Hey, you're being stupid again. Why would you ask that?"
"Because I met him this morning, Sora. You were on the island, alone, and you weren't you. You were him."
Sora frowned thoughtfully. "That…doesn't make sense. Why would Roxas just hijack my body like that? Are you sure it wasn't a dream, Riku?"
"Obviously you can talk to him; why don't you ask him, Sora? I can promise, it wasn't a dream."
Sora didn't like this Riku. It was the Riku who was angry at someone or something Sora couldn't see and couldn't fight and even though all he wanted to do was help, he couldn't because he didn't understand.
He just wanted Riku to let him in, but obviously, Riku needed…something.
"Okay," he said. "I'll talk to Roxas."
+-+
He is telling the truth, you know.
Sora frowned. 'Why did it happen?'
You freaked out this morning. You got up suddenly and ran out, and I tried to get you to calm down but it didn't work. You nearly collapsed, so I took control before you could hurt yourself…and Riku found us before you were ready to come back.
'I…freaked out? Why? I don't remember…'
Well, we were sleeping, so I don't know what exactly started it. You just…panicked.
Sora shifted on his bed and put a hand on his forehead, trying to figure out what had happened. He couldn't remember being frightened of any particular thing, and he hadn't gotten angry or hurt…it was confusing.
'Why did you go to the island instead of just going back to Riku's house?'
You didn't want to be around people; you left because you were trying to avoid them. When Riku came round you reacted to him, even though I was in control. You wouldn't have calmed down if I'd stayed in town.
'…Oh. Riku seemed pretty upset.'
That's because I threatened to castrate him if he came any closer.
'You shouldn't have done that.'
Well, it worked. You know I don't like him, or care about him, but you're another story. You'd be upset if I hurt him, so I had to warn him to stay away. Your body was hard enough to keep calm as it was.
Sora got up from his bed and collected some clothing in his recently-emptied bag. His mother had been upset to hear that Sora felt safer with his friends than with her…but she understood that some things would never be the same. Even though it hurt her, she supported him. It hurt him, to think that he was hurting her, but when he offered to stay with her she'd just ruffle his hair and tell him to get going. She was a great mother.
Riku lived with his father, but his dad was rarely home; Riku was glad for the company. And Kairi joined them whenever she could. Now that they were on a break from school, they could spend so much time with each other.
"Sora? Are you going back to Riku's?"
He glanced up at his mother. "Well…probably later, but I was hoping to spend the day with you. We could have dinner together and hang out like we used to."
She smiled. "I'd like that."
"Me too."
+-+
It was several days before Roxas showed himself again. Riku had almost wanted to call it a fluke and forget about it, but deep in his heart he knew that wasn't true. Sora hadn't said anything about it, but he'd told Riku not to worry about Roxas; he'd just been helping Sora with something.
And then, it happened again. Riku, Kairi and Sora were spending the day on the other island, playing hide-and-chase and catching up on the kid stuff they missed while they were away. Riku spied Sora sitting on that branch again, in that same foreign huddle, and he frowned.
Riku made his way over to his friend and called, "Sora?"
"No," Sora replied. He sounded…tired. Frustrated, even. "It's Roxas again."
"Why are you here?"
Roxas turned his head and gazed at Riku unblinkingly for a long time. Riku felt awkward for some reason. Finally, Roxas spoke. "I don't like you," he said. "I don't like you, and you don't like me. But…you're the only person I can trust to help me right now. So, for Sora's sake, I'm willing to work with you. Can you do it?"
Riku blinked. "For…Sora's sake?"
Roxas (the eyes and the tone were different; it may have been Sora's body but this was all Roxas) nodded and shifted his body, so he was half facing Riku. "Sora's really the only person alive I care about, and he's…uh…sick, I guess. I don't know. It doesn't make sense at all – don't come closer, idiot!"
Riku backed away. Roxas sighed. "I don't get it. He just…freaks out sometimes. This is the zillionth time this has happened, and it's definitely not the second time I've actually had to take control. I never told anyone because no one ever noticed, but now you're looking. Certain things just…set him off. I know a little bit about what's causing it, but…I'm not sure you would understand."
Riku pursed his lips and leaned back against a tree trunk, hands in his pockets. "Why do you say that?"
"Because I live inside him, and I don't understand. Honestly, I know him better than you, just because I can see what he thinks all the time. Plus…you're still dark. Don't give me that look; it's just a fact. It's the smell; it doesn't matter how light you are now. The smell will never go away."
He sighed. He didn't want to hear that, and he especially didn't want it to be true. He wanted to understand, but Roxas didn't seem to be forthcoming. "So…tell me anyway. You're right; I don't like you, but if you're trying to help Sora, I'm not going to turn away."
"Good," Roxas replied, eyes narrowed. "I'll explain it to you. Sora's…asleep, I guess you could say. I put him to sleep. See, things set him off…you did, that first time you found us. This time it was the cave…he's not reacting to you right now, but that might be because I finally figured out how to put him to sleep. I don't know. Anyway…the only thing I know for sure right now is that Sora's…guilty, or…something like that. He's guilty, and scared."
"Scared of what, exactly?"
"Of himself. He's…I don't really get this, but I'm gonna explain the best I can. After spending so much time in darkness, either fighting it or using it, you get lost, right? You either depend on it or you hate it. Sora…is different. He couldn't depend on it because he is light, and he couldn't hate it because he's…Sora. And you were in that darkness. He couldn't hate you.
He was told that beings of darkness were…bad. He believed it, at first. But still, in the back of his mind, he remembered you and he had doubts. Are you following me so far?"
"Yeah…I am." Riku didn't know whether he liked where this was going, but he understood what Roxas was saying.
"He spent all that time fighting the darkness. He fought the Heartless, who mindlessly take hearts because it's instinctual. He fought the Nobodies, who were walking shells of other human beings. He fought Organization XIII, who were made of darkness…who wanted Kingdom Hearts, to become whole. He was told by Master Yen Sid that the Organization Nobodies only pretended to have hearts, to trick others. He said that Organization XIII would stop at nothing to get what they wanted, or…something similar to that. And that part's true."
Riku nodded. "What does that have to do with what's going on now?"
Roxas looked at him pointedly. "If you were an incomplete person, and you maybe had a chance to become whole…would you ignore it? If there was a way to get the thing you wanted most, would you work at it? I know the answer, because if you remember, you screwed me over to get Sora back. That's not the important thing though. We weren't real people, because we didn't have hearts, and everything moved so fast…Sora didn't have time to think about all this stuff. But when he got back, everything hit him."
"…What hit him?"
"He's killed people. He fought and killed people, even if they weren't complete. He fought the 'bad guys,' and won, but no one took into account the fact that the Nobodies were conscious. Sora's…ashamed? Or something…he doesn't like knowing that he took away anyone's chance at life. Everyone kept saying that Nobodies and Heartless were the bad guys, but Sora just realized that the Heartless were acting on instinct because they don't have brains…and the Nobodies were just trying to find a way to truly live."
"So you're saying-"
"The darkness Sora was supposed to accept was just locked away, making it hard to deal with fear and insecurity. Sora's literally terrified because now that everything's over, he doesn't know if he did the right thing."
"And what do you think?"
"Ask yourself," Roxas answered. And then (with a hint of amusement?), he continued, "I'm just a Nobody."
+-+
"Thought I'd find you here, Sora," Riku said, putting out a hand to touch Sora's shoulder.
"Get away, Riku," Roxas said despondently. He didn't like this; he didn't want this. He was supposed to just disappear…he was just supposed to go away. But he hadn't ever disappeared. He and Sora had formed some twisted brotherly bond; Roxas had helped Sora with his schoolwork, by listening for things Sora might miss, and now he was helping Sora stay alive. He knew it would be easy to just keep Sora suppressed forever…but why would he do that? It wasn't like he had anything here.
"…Roxas?"
"Unfortunately."
"You're not on your branch."
"Do I have to be?"
Riku sat down next to Roxas on the railing of the big deck on the play island and turned his eyes to the ocean. "You…really hate this, don't you?"
"What gave it away," he asked dryly. Every time he and Riku met, it became a little harder to stay firm in his hatred for him; they'd met five times already, six counting this one. Roxas knew what was happening now; he was becoming stronger. He thought that maybe, if he could manage it, once he became the dominant personality he could take all the darkness Sora had hidden from himself and find a way to leave the body for good.
He didn't want to be there, after all.
They sat in silence for a moment, before Riku asked quietly, "What's your story?"
Roxas glanced sideways and gave Riku a quizzical look. "What do you mean?"
"Well…I know you left. I know we fought. I even know who your best friend was. But…I mean…well, maybe I just want to get to know you better." He laughed. "You're not as bad as I thought you were."
"You…really want to know me? Even though I'm…"
"You're part of Sora, aren't you? And you're helping Sora. I'm not stupid, Roxas; I know you're forcing him to come back to the surface. C'mon. Humor me."
Roxas laughed as well, finding the slight camaraderie refreshing. "Fine then. After the Superior – Xemnas – gave me my name, I met my best friend. I can't explain how we were friends, since…you know…we were Nobodies. But even back then, even though he pretty much hated everyone, he liked me. I have to tell you that because really, he's what the story is about."
"Really? Your story is about him?"
"Shut up and let me finish. You're the one who asked."
Riku laughed quietly. "Go on."
"He wasn't supposed to be my mentor, you know. I was supposed to be mentored by Saïx, because…well. You've met him, and I'm pretty sure you know exactly what my position as the Key of Destiny meant. I was supposed to be ruthless and violent like that. But I…hated him. I hated him more than I hated you, which…should tell you something. I refused to work with him, and I attached myself to Axel."
"They let you refuse? I was under the impression-"
"Do the words 'Key of Destiny' mean anything to you? As long as they had me around, there was a possibility of two Keyblade bearers working for them…the Keyblade master and his Nobody. Besides; it worked between us. Axel taught me a lot, and I kept him in check. They all thought I was some kind of miracle worker, but…that's not true. It was different."
For some reason, Roxas was glad to be talking about this to someone like Riku; not because it was Riku, but because it was someone who had experience with the Darkness. Sora would've understood, maybe, but Roxas didn't want to talk about that kind of thing with Sora.
"Axel liked to show off a lot. He knew a lot of things I didn't, and he liked to talk to me when we were finished with our work. We were just…best friends, from the very beginning. But that's why I left."
"You left because he was your friend," Riku asked skeptically.
"No…I left because he didn't want to lose me. Maybe you won't understand…but it-"
Roxas felt Sora begin to wake. "Sorry, but Sora's waking up and I'd rather not stay any longer. Hopefully, we'll never talk again. But if we do…I'll finish the rest. You know, you're not as bad as I thought you were, either."
+-+
"Riku?"
Riku met Sora's eyes. "Sora?"
"You seem…a little sad."
Riku laughed quietly. "I guess I am, just a little."
Sora hated to see his best friend upset. He'd already lost Riku once…he didn't want to lose him again, in any way. "You know I'll always be here for you…right?"
"Stop being such a sap," Riku joked.
It fell a little flat.
"I…Riku, if you-"
"I've just been thinking about a few things," he assured. "I'll talk to you when my thoughts are sorted."
"Okay. Did…did Roxas bring me out here?"
"Yeah."
"I'm glad he's taking care of me…but it scares me, Riku. Sometimes, I feel like I'm lost. I feel like I'm drowning in bright light. It's not the light that's scary…it's just that I don't know what's happened when I wake up."
Riku wrapped his arms around his best friend and pulled him close. "That's why I follow you," he murmured. "I won't let you get hurt."
Sora didn't respond. He'd already been hurt; he'd hurt himself. Roxas had explained what the Darkness was, and how Sora had managed to stay away; the Darkness in him had been locked away, and it was affecting his heart – not by making him dark, but by trying to escape.
In school, he'd learned about something called post-traumatic stress disorder which was sometimes characterized by flashbacks and hyperarousal; Roxas had concluded that Sora must be experiencing some form of it. But…unlike other people, Sora had someone who lived inside him, who could take control if things got too bad.
Roxas said he was working on finding a way to unlock the darkness, so it wouldn't strain Sora so much. Roxas had told him a theory: since Roxas was the representation of the darkness within Sora, he could…absorb the darkness.
Sora had a feeling Roxas wasn't saying everything, but he knew Roxas wouldn't tell him anything until he was ready.
+-+
"Riku."
"Roxas."
"I'm going to finish my story."
"Okay…why so sudden?"
"Just listen."
Riku nodded, and Roxas took a breath. "I once asked Axel if he knew who Sora was. He told me that even if he did, he wouldn't tell me – because I 'didn't need to know.' That was the first time I realized what was going on between us. Axel…was too attached to me. I didn't get it back then, but I know now why that scared me so much; I was just as attached to him. Before that, when we kissed and other things of that nature, it was supposed to be 'all in good fun.' It didn't mean anything. But when I realized how attached to me he was…
I had to leave. I had to find Sora. I guess I knew from the beginning I wouldn't stay with the Organization, but after that night…I was scared. I didn't want to forget why I joined the Organization in the first place; I wanted a purpose, back then. I had no idea who I was, and I had no direction. The Organization gave me direction, but…once I knew about Sora, he was my direction. But Axel could make me forget. Axel could talk me out of it. And I couldn't let him do that."
"Why not?"
"You're really asking me that? If I hadn't left, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. Sora would still be asleep; or at least amnesiac."
"I'm glad you left. I still want to know."
"Because I had a heart, and I wanted to know how to use it. I wanted to know why I was the special one. I wanted to know why – remember when you asked me why I used Keyblades? I wanted to know the answer too. I loved Axel, but I didn't know why; I wanted to know that too.
I didn't think…I'd actually join with Sora. I didn't know how it worked. And I left him behind, because I really thought I'd come back with answers. I was foolish, but I guess it was supposed to turn out this way."
"So that's why you were so angry with me…because you didn't know either?"
"And I could sense your heart. You, a being of darkness like me, had a heart. I wanted to steal it, and give it to Axel, but something wouldn't let me hurt you. It was infuriating. I know now that it was that piece of Sora I carried around with me, because the heart wasn't really mine. Sora wouldn't let me completely destroy you."
"Only Heartless can steal hearts."
"That didn't stop me from wanting to do it. I still wanted to take it away from you. I kept thinking…how dare he bring his heart around here?"
Riku blinked. "…So…when did you leave?"
"It looked like nighttime, but it was always night there, so I have no idea what time it was. But I do remember the conversation I had with Axel before I left him. He tried to stop me. I told him that I wouldn't be missed – but what I meant was that I shouldn't be missed. I was so secure…I would get my answers. I would meet Sora, and depending on my reception, I'd either thank him or kill him. And once I had my answers, I'd go back and do things properly."
"I…never knew that."
"You never asked."
"Now are you going to tell me why this was worth waking me up?"
"Yeah…I'm pretty sure this is the last time you'll see me. I figured out a way to help Sora."
"Really?"
"Do you remember Antisora?"
"…What are you saying?"
"You created him, Riku. You should know that beings created from darkness aren't meant to exist. Sora absorbed Antisora, which made a way for his Antiform, and I'm going to transfer the darkness to Antisora. And then I'm leaving, and taking him with me."
Riku's stomach suddenly dropped. "…You're leaving?"
Roxas smirked, and Riku realized just how odd it was that it was now a familiar expression on Sora's face. "I've told you before; there's nothing here for me."
"Nothing?"
He didn't know when things had changed so much. When he'd first realized that Roxas wasn't just a vague wisp of sub-consciousness in the back of Sora's mind, Riku had been angry. He'd been furious; Roxas had been there, listening. Watching. At first, Riku hadn't believed that Roxas was trying to help Sora.
But now, things were different.
"What could I possibly have, Riku? I have no friends. I'm really not supposed to exist. And…can you imagine what it will be like for me when Sora gets a libido? I mean…no. Know what? Never mind. We're not even going there."
Riku laughed quietly. "Why'd you wake me up to say goodbye, then?"
He felt Sora's body tense in his arms. "…I just thought it was a nice thing to do. You can tell Sora goodbye for me, right?"
"Y-yeah," he replied.
"And then you can tell him how much you love him. I mean…it must suck to have to watch what you do and say because I'm right here. Once I'm out of the picture, you can-"
Riku cut Roxas off with his lips.
It was wrong. So, so wrong. There was just something insanely wrong about falling in love with and kissing a Nobody through his best friend's sleeping body. It was wrong that he liked it. It was wrong that in the back of his head, he wished Roxas could stay for just a little longer.
But at least one thing was right.
"Riku…"
Roxas pushed against his chest. "Riku…I'm not Sora."
"I know."
"I'm just a Nobody."
"I know."
"I'm leaving."
"…I know."
"I'm sorry."
"…Why?"
Riku felt Roxas slump in his arms for a brief moment, before straightening again.
"…Riku?"
"Yeah?"
"Were you kissing me?"
"I…yes?"
Sora sighed and rested his head against Riku's chest. His voice was still slurred with sleep when he said, "Oh…I was afraid you didn't feel the same way. I'm glad. Next time, though…wake me up, okay? That was my first kiss. Remind me to be mad tomorrow when I'm not so tired."
"…Sorry."
For more than I know how to say.
Okay, so...here's the answer to the question you may or may not be asking. PTSD? That's not PTSD! Well...no shit. Trust me, if I were to write a story like that, it wouldn't have any pairings. No...it's something LIKE it, only not. I always wanted to write a purpose for Antisora...and here's my chance. And Sora wasn't getting to the flashback stage, because Roxas could take over and put Sora to sleep. So...because they are only...what...sixteen? Since they are young, and they haven't been educated past the mandatory psychology unit in health class, they don't know that it's not PTSD at all. It's like how people say people with MPD are automatically schizophrenic. NOT TRUE, but they don't know that.