Chapter 1: And This is How We Roll
Captain Price smacked Roach with his hat.
"Now listen up, this is very important," Price said angrily. "the creamer is in the orange container and the pepper is in the gray container. Got it?"
"Sir, yes, sir!"
"Now get down to the briefing room. I'll meet you there in two minutes."
Roach scurried off to the briefing room as fast as he could. That meant going down five flights of stairs. He finally reached the briefing room, a little out of breath, where MacTavish and Ghost were waiting.
"Hey Roach, pass me the creamer. It's in the orange container," MacTavish said.
Roach hesitated. He was colorblind, but no one had figured it out yet, and he didn't feel like telling them. He might be removed from task force 141 if he couldn't see colors right. He grabbed the one which was a different shade of gray from the one he had put in Price's coffee and passed it to MacTavish.
"I hear this one's going to be a regular mess," Ghost said pessimistically.
"Certainly. We don't stand a chance in hell. That's why we are the ones doing it," MacTavish said.
"Just like old times. How much are they paying you?" Ghost asked MacTavish.
"A hundred-thousand a year. You?"
"Balls. I'm only getting eighty-thousand a year," Ghost said angrily.
"And dental, I also get dental," MacTavish said, grinning.
"Bloody hell! They didn't even mention that to me! It's as though they think we brits don't care about our teeth."
"When was the last time you brushed?"
Just then, Price walked into the briefing room.
"Alright, listen up gentlemen. We've been ordered to blow up a Mexican oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico."
"Why? I thought we were friends with Mexico."
"Can that hippie shit, Roach. We don't ask why, we just do it."
"What about the workers?"
"Screw them. We're blowing it up. We've been issued one-hundred pounds of C4 for the job," Price continued, more than a little miffed.
"One-hundred? How many oil rigs do we need to blow up?" Ghost asked.
"Shit, will you let me finish?" Price all but shouted. "We go in, we get out, we get it done. Got that?"
"Yes," they all groaned.
Price fiddled with his mustache for a minute and said, "Then let's get going."
They took the elevator to the helicopter pad where Nikolai was waiting. They loaded up their guns, the C4, and a guidebook to Mexican tourist hotspots. After three hours, they were dropped into the sea at Price's not-so-gentle direction. They swam the rest of the way to the oil rig. Two men in ponchos and sombreros were talking on the platform closest to the water, waving their weapons around as they talked about Eddie Murphy. Roach and MacTavish quickly killed them with their aglets and took their weapons.
After planting the C4 at the base of the rig, the three of them crept up the flight of stairs to the next floor where one guy was vomiting over the railing and his buddy was draining a bottle of tequila. Roach stabbed the man who was vomiting and Ghost hit the man who was drinking in the gut with his knife. The man clutched at his stomach, inhaling tequila into his lungs. Ghost cut his throat, spilling as much tequila as blood and they rushed to the doors of a room nearby. They kicked the door down and shot the men inside who were in their underwear and had bottles of alcohol duct-taped to their hands. They charged up through the oil rig, killing any Mexicans they found. Eventually they reached the top of the oil rig.
"We're ready to go, Nikolai! Whenever you're ready!" MacTavish said into his mobile phone.
"I hear you loud and clear, comrade! I meet you on helicopter pad in three minutes."
Roach leaned against a rusty railing and looked down at the sea a hundred feet below. Naturally, the railing being as corroded as it was, it broke and he fell. Three minutes later, after jogging his way back up, Roach joined Ghost and MacTavish in the helicopter.
"Have a nice swim?" Ghost asked cheerfully.
"The water's nice this time of year," Roach said, smiling.
"Where should I drop you off, comrades?" Nikolai asked.
"Cancun," MacTavish answered, squeezing the activation trigger.
"In that case, I think I'll stay for a while, comrades," Nikolai said as the oil rig was replaced by a gigantic fireball.