The reality of the situation would come to her in small doses; tiny moments compound with long intervals that were controllable in her everyday life. She took it in her stride with every new awakening, right down to when she went to bed. Regulating her behavior as she took the time to analyze and to grieve the loss of a possibility she wanted to have so terribly but never did quite manage to make tangible.
She knew it would be difficult at times, embarking in a relationship with the complex police officer – but not once did she question her reason for it. The belief that it would be worth every bump in the road consistently prevailed in her heart.
Until Gail drove an impenetrable wedge between them that even Holly could not break.
She had tried; desperately at times that even her subconscious was begging for her to stop, to just give up. But her heart kept on.
She messaged. She rang. She left voicemails.
And against her friends judgements, she stuck around in the hopes that Gail would hear her out. She had confidence in her, in the Gail that rarely was seen by others.
But when the hours turned into days, and the days into weeks, she lost hope. And the drilling of knowledge from others, surrounding her during this time, made her conscious of how pathetic she was acting.
And so the messages stopped. The calls ceased. And therefore no voicemails were left.
From there she found herself on autopilot, emotionally recharging her batteries from the void that seemed to be permanently lodged in her heart. The absence was unbearable at times. And it was in those moments that she had to berate herself for feeling this way. It unnerved her how someone could have so much power over another human being, because nobody should.
And so she conditioned her behavior from there on out.
The times she shopped, lingering near the chips, seeking out the cheesy puffs that once upon a time would be stocked to the brim at home? She ignored the isle entirely.
The times she found herself at the batting cages in dire need of blowing off steam and remembering the moments spent here, laughing and giddy with the blonde? She hit the ball harder than she ever had before, determined to obliterate the thoughts swirling around in her head.
The times she was at a crime scene full of police officers, in quiet anticipation of laying eyes on the tongue-tied woman? She quelled the feeling by setting eyes only on the scene, focusing on the crime and speaking to persons only in response to their questions.
The times she was spoken at and never spoken to by her friends about dates being lined up, even though all she could see were those haunting baby blues? She jumped straight into dating, and even had a few dates with Lianne, who was turning out to be a pretty great woman the more time she spent communicating with her.
These processes cocooned Holly in the belief that she was coping with the reality of the split. But tonight spared her not, for these acts was mere fabrications made in her mind, and it was only when the small doses came to her all at once that she found herself in trouble. The pretense now gone.
It was Tuesday night when it happened.
She closed the door to her townhouse; not bothering to collect the mail deposited on the floor from the morning as she locked the door and turned the lights on. The sigh came naturally as she discarded her jacket and headed straight into the kitchen, opening up the cupboard to grab the nearest available wine glass to place onto the island, before seeking out a bottle from her wine collection.
She poured herself a generous amount and screwed the cap back on, taking care to commit to this action before picking up the glass to regard it silently.
The notification of a new message is what prompts her to drink, the knowledge driving her over the edge as she takes several mouthfuls of the cool, smooth beverage. She licks her bottom lip before placing the glass down and fishing out her phone with a sense of despondence:
Can't say I'm not disappointed that you chose to go home rather than back to mine for a recap, but I respect everything that's going on and will be patient until you're ready. I had a wonderful time tonight. Let me know when you want to go on our next date xx
She stared at the message for a further moment until she dropped the phone down onto the island, reaching out for the glass to take a greedy swig.
It was clear that Lianne wanted things to progress between them, even when Holly had been open about her recent history with Gail. The knowledge didn't seem deter her one bit - if anything Lianne seemed to be that more eager to be with Holly - to claim a part of her that Holly didn't even know she could give at this time.
Because if she was being truthful, things still felt unresolved with Gail, especially given the last interaction they had shared together.
It had hurt more than she could have imagined, because she hadn't imagined it, not once in all her wild scenarios had she conceived this moment in her mind. This was not expected. This was surprising.
This was Gail being honest with her; illuminating her troubles and speaking of how high she held Holly in esteem in her life, still.
It was surprising. It was not expected. It was incredible.
Yet the pain that surfaced not moments later, seeping from her brain to warn her heart that this could not happen forced her to act, to abandon, to say goodnight even though she really wanted to hear more. She wanted to hear it all - that's everything she had wanted from the start.
So now she's left torn, divided between this amazing new prospect of possibility, and being stuck in the throes of hope, of longing; of needing to just be near Gail and to understand her now that she's finally present and cast open for Holly to see.
She shook her head to rid of the thoughts, moving to the bottle to pour herself more alcohol into the now empty glass. Once she's done so, she moves into the lounge, bringing the glass to her lips as she thought about where to go from here. Her eyes absently scan over her bookcase, browsing through the many titles until she notices a gap from the second row, which prompts her to move closer to investigate. It's not like Holly to leave books around, always one to place them back once she done reading. Yet there it was - this empty space that she could not quite place.
She allows her mind to think of what book it could be, which wasn't hard considering the section it was in. Her eyes then fall to the coffee table, curious to see if she had left it out, but it's scarce as always, swept down and pristine. She places the glass down onto the coaster on the table and sets her mind to the last time she had read.
Could it have been Surgical Pathology of the GI Tract, Liver, Biliary Tract and Pancreas? Or her dense Gray's Anatomy that she found refuge in as of late to get to sleep? Maybe it could have been the recent journals that-
No.
It was the newest, 4th edition of Comprehensive Cytopathology. She remembers because she had bought it in recent months and had read it only a handful of times, even going so far as to take it to-
No.
Holly dips her head with the realization that the book was nowhere to be found in this house.
No.
It was at Gail's.
Fuck.
She reaches for the glass of wine and takes several mouthfuls, in sudden need of liquid to quench her thirst. She moves on over to the television, desperate to quiet these thoughts exploding in her head as she turns it on and sits down. She reaches for the remote as she leans forward, placing the glass down onto the coffee table as she makes herself comfortable on the couch. As she relaxes, she notices that the television is on DVD mode, and goes to correct it, only for the screen to load.
No.
She had thrown the DVD case away, forgetting that the DVD in question was not inside.
Though it's hard to remember when there's three of them.
Her eyes glaze over as the footage from Star Wars begins to fill up her screen. She immediately shuts the television off with the remote and throws it to the end of the couch.
She had bought the trilogy as a surprise for Gail, sitting down in this exact spot as her eyes roamed over the exterior of this beautiful creature that overwhelmed her senses. The moment she had caught on to what Holly had done, she had turned to look at her with this smile - a smile that just seemed to encompass everything that Gail is.
It was like she was letting Holly see her, really see her. It was bright and left Holly in a sense of awe at being able to ignite such a reaction in her. She wanted to create this splendid sight over and over again, if only to glimpse this smile that was so glorious, so unbridled with joy.
So beautiful.
She can still remember it as she swipes her face with her hand, pushing her glasses back into place as she leans forward, unable to balance herself a moment longer as she cradles her head in her hands.
It's quite a company
It's quiet company
But I won't follow you
Into the rabbit hole
I said I would
But then I saw
The ship of woes
They didn't want me to
It's a terrible love
And I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love that I'm walking here
It's a terrible love
That I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love that I'm walking here
It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break
It takes an ocean not to break
The reality of the situation would come to her in small doses; tiny moments compound with long intervals that were controllable in her everyday life. She took it in her stride with every new awakening, right down to when she went to bed. Regulating her behavior as she took the time to analyze and to grieve the loss of a possibility she wanted to have so terribly but never did quite manage to make tangible.
But tonight, the finality of the end swallowed her whole.
I totally suck at tenses and other varies mistakes today, but I felt the need to release this. The lyrics at the end is from the song The National - Terrible Love.