Summary: James, Sirius, and Remus go on a trip to get away from the horror that is women. After getting their apparition licences taken away, they're forced to stay in one little Muggle town, where they meet a waitress who might have deeper secrets than even they do.

AN: A new fic because I say so.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but the plots mine. You can have my homework if you'd like, though.

Danger: Extremely Flammable

by: tradingforeverx

Chapter One: Amy

Crash!

"I can't believe you!"

A young man with messy black hair ducked as another object was thrown at his head. "Calm down!" he yelled to the seething girl in front of him.

She pushed her blonde hair out of her eyes angrily. "Calm down? Calm down? Did you really just tell me to calm down?" She threw a vase at him, which crashed eerily close to his head.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He yelled, covering his head with his arms. "Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!"

"Well, sorry," she snarled, throwing another vase for emphasis, "isn't good enough!"

"Where are you getting all these vases?" he asked tiredly as he hid behind the sofa.

"It's called a wand, James!" she screeched.

"It was just one measly party, Ames," he tried to reason, picking up his head to stare at her through his hazel eyes behind the wire-rimmed glasses that sat askew on his nose.

"One party with hookers!" she yelled.

"Bachelor party!" he stressed as she sent more vases, one after the other. "Bachelor party!"

"Well, I'm sure Alice wouldn't like knowing that Frank had hookers–"

"It was Sirius's idea!"

She scoffed. "Of course it was."

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?" He straightened up now, defensive.

"It means that your best mate is an arse hole!"

"Bugger!" he yelped as he threw himself to the floor just in time.

Another crash!

—x—

"I've decided," James Potter sighed, plopping himself down in front of his two best friends at the local pub, "that women are hardly worth my time any longer." He took a shot of fire whiskey before dropping the shot glass back down on the grubby table.

"Amy dump you?" Remus Lupin asked dryly, taking a drink of his Muggle beer.

At James's nod of confirmation, Sirius Black gave a loud bark of laughter. "Three down this year, Jimmy. And it's only March!"

James took another shot. "Shut up, Pads. And don't call my Jimmy."

"Aw, why?" Sirius teased, pinching his cheek ."You don't like your dear old Great Aunt Susy's name for you?" he cooed.

James slapped his hand away. "Get away, poof. We're in a pub. If you plan on getting laid this century, you might want to keep your girlish and slightly gay-ish tendencies to a minimum."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You blokes need lives," he remarked.

"Much like yourself, Moony?" Sirius shot back, grabbing the bottle of fire whiskey into his hands. "What do you do at home? Watch after Lucy?" He took a gulp of the whiskey out of the bottle.

"You know Alfred can't do it all the time, he has work–"

"You mean he has booze," James cut in.

"–something that you two," Remus continued, "would know nothing about."

Sirius scoffed. "What do I need a job for? I've got me some gold."

"What are you going to do when your gold runs out, Padfoot?" Remus asked, eyeing him shrewdly.

"That's easy," Sirius said. "Mooch of James. That bloke will never run out of dough."

James rolled his eyes. "What makes you think I'll want you?" he asked, twirling the shot glass between his hands. "After all, Amy broke up with me because of you."

"Dude, I knew it!" Sirius exclaimed. "She was so digging me!"

James rolled his eyes as Remus snickered under his breath. "Hardly. It was actually because of the hookers at Frank's bachelor party."

Sirius paid him no mind. "That bird wanted me. Did you see how she acted every time I came over? I mean, in the beginning it was like, 'Hi, Sirius' and then it turned into 'Hiiii, Siriuuus.'" He wiggled his eyebrows as he smacked his lips.

Remus stared at him blankly. "You...you're just really stupid, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Amy didn't want you, Pads," James said. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't your name she was screaming every night, if you know what I'm sayin'." James smirked, giving Remus a high-five across the table as they laughed.

"Well, what are you going to do now, anyway?" Remus asked, slamming down his empty beer bottle. "New girl?"

"No," James said, spreading out his hands. "I'm thinking of just going solo for now, you know? Be a bachelor."

"Like Sirius?"

They both looked over at Sirius who was no longer paying attention to their conversation and instead giving his infamous Nod to a woman by the bar.

"No," James answered, turning back around. "Way better."

—x—

Sirius stumbled into his flat, a sloppy grin across his face along with a few lipstick smears. He'd gotten a bit lucky while he had been at the pub with James and Remus, but hadn't taken her back to his place for fear of the dreaded Morning After. Ah, well. The alleyway behind the pub was just as nice.

He flipped the light on in his living room, watching as a spider crawled across his floor. He stomped on it and smiled sleepily.

He entered his bedroom and flopped down onto his bed. The sheets smelt a bit stale after having not been washed in a very, very long time, but they also smelt like his shampoo, which he inhaled greedily.

Nothing better than you, he thought to himself smugly.

However, just as he kicked off his boots and was about to fall into an easy slumber, a rapping on his window drew him from his stupor.

Eyebrows drawn together, he approached the window with caution, eyeing it uneasily. He grabbed his wand from his pocket and got ready to swipe at his curtains.

Just as he did, he almost screamed in shock. There, with her hands pressed up against the glass as well as her face, squishing her nose, was Morning After Number Three. She was, incidently, the reason why he'd last washed his sheets, as it had turned out that she was a virgin and she'd mussed up his bed.

"Sirius," she whimpered from outside his window, her breath steaming up the glass. "I need you..."

He closed the curtains instantly, dropping his wand onto his bedside table.

"Sirius..."

He shuddered. Note to self, he thought, Never again sleep with a virgin.

"Sssirrriussss..."

Even if it is sexy.

—x—

Remus entered his house with a slight swagger and smirk. He crept up the stairs to his right, not wanting to wake anyone else home. His feet fumbled over themselves on the carpets, but he reached his room with only minor mishaps (like getting his hand stuck under the railing.)

He threw open his door and giggled as it slammed against the wall. He shut it back quietly, shh-ing it the entire way before patting it softly.

Perhaps he'd had to much to drink. It always did bring out his inner-James and -Sirius. Which, in retrospect, was never that safe.

He didn't bother to turn on a light, instead navigating his way through his room by memory. A look to the window told him that it was almost day break, but as he undressed and got ready for bed, it might as well have been midnight. He crawled under his covers like a small child, wrapping them around himself and breathing in the fresh scent.

Unfortunately, it seemed that sleep was not was fate wanted for Remus as his door was thrown open and a girlish squeal sounded. "Remy!" the girl yelled.

He sighed, glancing up and asking patiently, "Yes, Lucy?"

For Remus was, in fact, a nanny.

AN: Hope you liked that little twist, haha. Don't even ask how that came to be in my weird head, it just did. Anyway, I want you to take a gander at this. A fic! And is that, perhaps, a plausible plot? It very well could be! Okay, well, I'm hoping so. I'm still trying to work out the kinks and come up with a game plan, something that I usually don't do, but it's coming. This chapter is more of an intro than anything else, and you can tell it's rather short, but I hope you like. Please review and keep faith in me!