Wreckage of the Three Kingdoms
Chapter 1: This is Madness...
"This is my son..."
"Uh, huh..."
"He's twenty four years old."
"Truly?"
"And... And he hasn't been potty trained!"
"Oh?"
Three men stood outside of a dark and gloomy temple. They were high in the mountains, high enough for the top of clouds to show up around them. One of them wore a tattered brown robe, his face was messy and wild, like a warriors, except that he was far too skinny. Anyone with semi-decent eyesight could tell that if he were to lift a lance, he'd snap in half.
The other two men seemed much older. One had gray hair, and looked quite ashamed, often staring back at the brown-robed man with a pitiful expression. He wore a light blue robe, one that made him seem semi-decent, by Imperial standards.
The third was a rather eccentric person. With a long goatee, a sharp, split mustache, and pure white facial hair, most people would find such a man a terror to behold. Adding a bluish tattoo to the right side of his face that covered his right eye wasn't exactly an accepted fashion statement either.
"So, Master Zuo Ci, all I'm saying is: please make certain that my son can get a job!" The old man bowed low.
The brown-robed man proceeded to scratch his nether regions.
Zuo Ci looked utterly disgusted. "Um, sure... But do keep in mind that I'm not a public service, you know."
"I understand... I'll pay you anything. I'll even give you my wife."
"HEY!" A voice yelled from far in the distance.
Zuo Ci looked disturbed. "Yes, um, well, I will do what I can to manipulate the wheel of fate."
Three days later...
"Lord Cao Cao, strange reports have been arriving from every corner of the Empire."
"Such as?"
"We've received word that a giant Chicken has been laying siege to Meng Huo's fortress in the south. Apparently it's large enough to eat the very Elephants his troops depend on so much."
Cao Cao's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. "What the hell?"
"Yes, that, and large fish have been found swimming in the Chang Jiang. They appear to be similar to something called a 'killer whale' in our records. That means that Wu is suffering from ships being eaten whole and trade becoming very distorted, but it also means that an attack on Wu would be suicide on our parts."
"And what of events in Shu?"
"Ma Chao, Wei Yan, and Zhang Fei have ceased to exist."
"Wait, who are they?"
"My point exactly."
"So... So this would mean that drastic changes have occurred all over China..." Cao Cao shook his head. Such things seemed like they'd be in fairy tales. Was he dreaming? Had he been smoking herbs again last night?
"Indeed... My lord, I must go now." The messenger turned and walked off.
"Wait... Are hooves normal on people?" Cao Cao thought to himself as the servant's sandals were being crushed by his hooves.
"The palace is under siege!" Someone yelled from a distance.
At this moment, Zhang Liao entered the room.
"My lord!"
"What is it?"
"A large bird... Pig... Thing is laying siege to the castle. Large brown bombs of sorts have crashed into the roof of several storage areas, making stored grain inedible. When dropped on people, they are disintegrated instantly. We must leave before it can continue destroying the area... Your safety is first, my lord."
"Have our troops intercepted it?"
"Our archers were trying their best, but half of them deserted from the smell of the enemy's ammunition."
"Wait, so you're saying that we're dealing with giant globs of shit from the sky?"
"Indeed, sir."
"What has Heaven done to us now?"
"With those, killer whales, right? With those damn things overwhelming our navy at the river, there's no way we can possibly counter an attack from Wei!" Lu Meng cursed.
"Then again..." Zhou Yu observed. "How will they be able to cross the river if those whales will eat their ships whole?"
Both men, as well as a myriad of Wu strategists, were gathered in a war tent near the banks of the Chang Jiang (Yangtze) river. Of course, they were afraid of the killer whales, but knew that they wouldn't be able to get out of water long enough to devour the encampment.
"Don't know..." Lu Meng mumbled.
"Wait... Killer Whales are giant fish... That means the fishing will be great, right?" Kan Ze smiled.
"I wouldn't count on it if I were you..." Zhou Yu shook his head.
"Your loss..." The carefree scholar laughed and walked off.
Moments later, they heard a blood-curling scream, and the twang of a bowstring. Running out, they found Kan Ze stuck on the ground, an arrow having torn through his robe. Nearby Sun Shang Xiang held a bow high, proud that she had saved her old friend.
"You nearly killed me!" Kan Ze moaned, trying to get up.
"Had you not been so risky, I wouldn't have had to take chances with your life." She replied bitterly.
In the shallow water nearby, a killer whale swam restlessly, cursing itself for the loss of its prey.
"Lord Liu Bei, a giant Chicken has been laying siege to Meng Huo's army. Sooner or later it will smash through our defenses at Yue Juan and come squawking our way." Zhuge Liang calmly waved his feather fan.
"So what should I do about it?"
"Absolutely nothing. Let me send archers with fire arrows equipped, as well as pikemen to drive that giant bird away."
"Ok, then."
"Furthermore, flying pigs are laying siege to Cao Cao's palace."
"Flying Pigs?! HAHAHAHAHA!" Liu Bei burst out laughing.
Kongming did not look amused. "I am not joking. Flying pigs are really attacking Cao Cao's palace, and killer whales have shown up in the Chang Jiang. Conquering other lands would not be in our favor if those killer whales make it to the Wei river."
"Wait... How can you receive news when the rivers are infested with such monstrosities?"
"I... Um... I... Have scouts who shoot arrows over the river."
"That makes sense."
"Indeed. Now stamp the seal of approval already so I can go kill things."
"Ok." Liu Bei stamped the document.
"Excellent..." Kongming smiled to himself. "Soon, soon none of Sima Yi's fangirls will continue to praise their allegiance to him. Now, they'll be going after me instead. I'll have more than just my current ones and Yue Ying. I'll have a giant harem! MWAHAHA!"
Zuo Ci and Guan Lu hovered over the land. The flying pigs, killer whales, and the giant chicken weren't the only problem... With the horse-people having settled in this land of China, they decided that humans (aka, normal people) should not have the right to exist. Thus, gathering together, the horse-people planned to create their own confederacy, where, through special contacts with the other intelligent animals, like the whales and the chicken, they'd conquer all of China and make this land for the animals!
And the two majestic taoist sages realized, as they floated along, that, well, China was definitely screwed... And it was all their fault.
Now, the fate of the middle kingdom rested on the shoulders of three Emperors:
Liu Bei, who still couldn't get over the fact that flying pigs were pelting his rival with their excrement.
Cao Cao, who covered his head, trying to hide from the pink and fat bombers.
And Sun Quan, who was staring hopelessly at the huge killer whales moping around in his river.
And through their efforts, China would never be the same...