The Santa-Sanji Claus

A/N: Just a little story to get into the Christmas spirit. My first fanfic so I hope you all enjoy it! R&R – be kind!

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece...nor Santa Claus...


The Santa-Sanji Claus

Christmas was getting closer everyday on board the crew of the Going Merry. Everyone was getting in to that Christmas spirit – especially Usopp who had decorated the deck with lights and tinsel, even Chopper was looking rather 'christmassy' with a painted red nose and jingling bells hanging from his antlers. Everything was going swell…until the traditional 'Santa Claus' existence' was brought up at the Christmas Eve feast……..

Luffy's bottom lip wobbled as he glared at Nami. "Santa is real, Nami."

The navigator grabbed the captain's shoulders and shook him. "Luffy," she snapped, "you're too old to still believe in that fat guy."

"SANTA!" He corrected loudly. "AND HE IS REAL!"

Sanji served the roasted potatoes, tapping his cigarette over Zolo's before handing it to the oblivious swordsman. "Look, Luffy, do you have any proof that Santa exists?"

"Yeah," he replied, matter-of-factly, "he's sent me presents that said 'from Santa'."

Nami slapped her forehead. "Luffy, that's what your parents do when they trick you into believing the fat-red idiot is real!"

"Na-ah," insisted the stubborn captain, "because I've left milk and cookies out and they're gone in the morning. Who else but Santa Claus eats milk and cookies?"

"But have you seen him?" Came the swordsman, scooping his roasted potatoes into his mouth.

"Yes, he's always around near Christmas, especially in shops…"

Nami whacked Luffy over the head. "IDIOT! THEY'RE FAKES! DUDS! IMPOSTERS! PHONIES! PRETEND!"

The straw-hat rubbed his head moodily. "You'll see," he told them. "Santa is real," and he stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Zolo started coughing.

"Whoa," said Usopp appearing from behind his chair. "Luffy seemed really convinced that Santa exists."

"Yeah," agreed Chopper, he looked at Nami. "Maybe we shouldn't make him sad. One of us could dress up as Santa and deliver the presents down the chimney."

"YOU IDIOT SANJI," Zolo jumped for the chef.

Nami sighed. "I suppose you're right, Chopper." She turned to the fighting cook and first mate. "Who do you think would make a good Santa?"

Usopp frowned. "Hmm, I think Sanji should do it. Zolo's too stupid to do anything this important."

Zolo had Sanji pinned to the ground and was shoving a cigarette-ash-covered potato into his mouth.

Sanji looked at himself in the mirror and turned to Usopp and Nami. "Tell me again, why am I doing this?" He lit another cigarette.

"Because Luffy is going to be moping around for the next three weeks if he doesn't receive a Santa delivered present." Usopp stated, placing the red pom-pom hat on Sanji's head.

"And that's supposed to be an incentive?"

The door opened and a green head peeked in. "What's going on…? OH MY GOD!" Zolo's jaw dropped. "Sanji…you…you look so freaking ridiculous!"

The chef kicked the door closed and tossed the hat to the ground. "Forget it." He grumbled.

Nami's eyes widened innocently. "Please, please Sanji – red looks really good on you."

"OF COURSE MY LOVE!" Sanji cooed, hearts flying to his eyes.

Sanji heard Nami's Christmas clock strike twelve before it broke into song, 'Deck the halls with bells of holly'. He sat up in his hammock and nudged Chopper, in the hammock beside him with his foot. The boy-reindeer snorted and looked around.

"Chopper, I'm going to be needing a reindeer."

Chopper looked at Sanji dressed in the red suit. "I hope this works, Sanji."

"Why, what's wrong?" He pulled out and lit a cigarette; he sucked on it for a while. "Come on Chopper," he hefted a sack over his shoulder, "we'd better make this delivery quick and painless."

The two went outside and stood beside the rickety chimney Luffy had made especially for Santa. It looked dirty, unstable, and probably would lead to an inevitable death. Sanji threw his legs into the hole and began edging his way down.

"Wait!" Chopper hurried over and pulled the cigarette out of Sanji's mouth. "It's going to ruin your nice white beard."

Sanji rolled his eye. "Thanks Chopper," and he slowly disappeared. The sack was stuck. "Damn it! Chopper," he called up to the reindeer. "I'm leaving that great big bulky thing behind."

Zolo yawned and felt the urgent need to go to the porcelain express. After relieving himself and watching the swirling water swallow his alcohol induced waste, the swordsman, now needing to have a drink, made his way to the kitchen. Water was not as good as beer, rum or sake, but he wanted to save it for Christmas lunch.

"Why the hell did Luffy have to make the chimney this small?"

Zolo turned towards the makeshift chimney as swearing and grunting became audible.

"If he believed the fat guy existed…why didn't he make it bloody bigger?"

The swordsman watched as a skinny Santa Claus dropped out of the chimney.

"Phew…huh? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE MARIMO?" Hissed Santa-Sanji, his face covered in dark soot.

The swordsman sniggered and covered his mouth, snorting with laughter. "I don't trust skinny Santa's," he smirked, before giddily running out of the room.

"Yeah," Sanji fumed, "it's coal for you, Zolo."

"Sanji, are you alright?" Came Chopper's voice up the chimney.

"Just Marimo getting a drink. Pass down the presents and let's get this over and done with."

The swordsman fumbled his way blindly into his hammock, accidentally knocking Luffy out of his slumber.

"Huh, what's wrong Zolo?" Luffy murmured rubbing his eyes.

"Nothing," Zolo snapped, "go back to sleep Luffy."

"Hey Zolo, what time is it?"

"Nami's clock played that annoying song not too long ago."

"How many times did it bong?"

"I lost count after twelve – now shut-up and go to sleep."

"Twelve? That means," muttered Luffy to himself. "Santa must be here!"

Zolo grunted.

Luffy grinned widely and quietly crept out of the room and into the kitchen. He slowly opened the door to the kitchen and saw…the skinniest Santa Claus ever seen in the world! He was placing presents irregularly under the Christmas tree. Apparently, he was in a rush – which Luffy could understand…just. But the point was Santa really did exist and that meant Nami was wrong and he, Monkey D Luffy, was right.

Luffy scuttled behind the table and chairs to get a better view of Santa.

Santa-Sanji placed the last present into the final gap under the tree…it popped out, catching him by surprise. Sanji stepped backwards and crushed a present. "Oh crap." He picked up the sad looking present and rattled it. There was a light glass-sound; whatever was in there was a goner.

Luffy couldn't believe what he had heard and seen. Santa crushing an innocent present and then swearing! He watched as Santa looked around guiltily, before burying the destroyed present beneath the other presents. The skinny Santa hurried over to Luffy's chimney.

"Oi, you still there?" Sanji waited for the rope to drop.

Luffy interwove his fingers, he wanted to talk to Santa and ask a few questions. He threw his fingers towards the Christmas figure, shouting. "GUM GUM…NET!"

"GUM GUM…"

Sanji turned around to see Luffy standing behind the table.

"NET!"

A set of ten fingers shot out at him, enwrapping him in a rubbery net. Sanji struggled to keep his beard on as Luffy reeled him in.

"HI SANTA!" He beamed.

Sanji looked at Luffy and tried to smile. It was a forced smile, but no one would notice behind the beard. "Why hello Luffy," Santa-Sanji said in his deepest, most nicest voice possible.

Luffy squealed. "Ah! You know my name!?" He let Santa out of his net.

"Of course," replied the dud-Santa. "I know everyone's name."

"Really? Even my swordsman?"

"What? That lousy Marimo?" He coughed. "You mean Zolo?"

Luffy didn't notice the first remark. "Yeah! That's him!"

Sanji patted his beard, trying to keep it on; trying to think up sentences Santa Claus would use in situations like this. "You know Luffy, you should be in bed."

"I know," the captain admitted. "But I wanted to see if you were real and you are! Now I can tell the others I spoke to Santa!" He looked Santa up and down. "You're a lot skinnier than I thought, Santa."

"Yes, well," Santa-Sanji chuckled nervously, "Mrs. Claus wasn't too impressed with my beer…I mean milk-belly, so I've been on a diet. It's been carrots for me lately."

"Oh, who's your wife?" Luffy asked excitedly.

Sanji said the first name that came to his mind. "Namiiiiiiiii, uh? Namihana," he replied.

"Coooool!" He paused for a moment. "You're really too skinny Santa, would you like something to eat before you go?"

"No, no, Luffy."

"I'll get my chef, Sanji, to cook you something," insisted Luffy heading for the door.

Santa-Sanji hurried over to Luffy. "It's all right Luffy! Just sleep here…beside the tree and dream about meat. Mrs. Claus makes a mean meal when I get back to the North Pole."

The straw-hat boy drew Santa into a hug. Sanji mechanically patted Luffy on the back.

"You smell like…" Luffy thought about it for a while. "Like Sanji after he smokes."

"They're called cigarettes," corrected Sanji and quickly added. "And they're not good for you, so don't you dare smoke them." He forced Luffy to sit in front of the tree. "Now go to sleep and dream about meat. Sweet dreams Luffy."

Luffy lay on his side and curled into a rubber-ball. Within seconds, he was asleep and Sanji's beard fell off falling into Luffy's grasp – he would not let go, so Sanji ditched it and made for the rope.

"How did it go?" Chopper asked as Sanji pulled himself out of the chimney. "Where's your beard?!"

"Luffy wouldn't let it go," Sanji snapped, dusting off his browning suit.

"SANJI! Santa doesn't go shedding his facial hair in people's kitchens."

The chef began his way back to the boy's room. "Well, this Santa does."

The next day…

On Christmas morning Luffy woke up to find there were more presents under the tree which meant only one thing…Luffy crashed into the boys sleeping quarters. "GUYS! SANTA VISITED ME LAST NIGHT! HE REALLY EXISTS!"

Usopp jumped out of his hammock startled. "MAN THE LIFE-BOATS! PEOPLE WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN 'U' IN FIRST!"

Zolo whacked him over the head.

Luffy charged into Nami's room, just in time to hear her clock chime, 'Deck the halls with bells of holly'. "NAMI NAMI NAMI NAMI NAMI!"

The navigator sat up with an angry face. "If you've cut shapes in the sails again Luffy you're dead."

"NOOOOO! SANTA WAS HERE LAST NIGHT, I SAW HIM!" He bolted back out of the room and into the kitchen where the male crew were, and dived for the tree. He picked up the presents and began looking for his, tossing those that weren't behind him.

Sanji poured Zolo a mug of rum. "Though you're a right pain Zolo, Merry Christmas."

Zolo sniffed the liquid. "You didn't poison it did you?"

"Not today, this is the best rum available…besides, Christmas is a time of giving."

"When did you start preaching that?" But he handed the chef a new apron with 'I'm sizzling hot' on it.

Sanji looked at it. "How…thoughtful Zolo."

Zolo grinned. "You're welcome Sanji."

Luffy finally reached the bottom of the stack and reached out for the Santa-crushed box. He picked it up, the glass sound echoed around the quieted kitchen.

"Sounds nice," commented Zolo, his lips going for the edge of the mug.

Usopp frowned. "Sounds broken."

Sanji prepared to make lunch, tying his new apron around his waist. Nami looked at his back and refrained from kicking the living-day-lights out of him. Luffy looked as shattered as the tinkling in the box, without a word he walked slowly out of the kitchen.

Nami slapped her forehead and turned to Usopp. "Why doesn't anything go to plan?"

Usopp shrugged and narrowly avoided Zolo spit as it flew past his cheek and splashed against the wall. "I don't know Nami."

"This doesn't taste a thing like beer!"

The navigator sighed. "Well, Sanji is just going to have to give Luffy another visit."

Sanji scratched his neck vigorously, causing a fine powder to fly around him. "UGH! What is this stuff? IT'S SO DAMN ITCHY!"

Chopper shook his head sadly.

That night…

Sanji-Santa walked up to Luffy, who was sitting glumly in front of the Christmas tree holding his ruined present. Sanji was holding the new improved present in his arms, being extremely careful not to drop this one.

"Here Luffy," he said in his deep voice.

Luffy spun around, his face lighting up with joy as he took the present from Santa. "WOW SANTA! YOU'RE THE BEST!"

Sanji searched for the fatherly words he had rehearsed with Nami early that day. "I'm sorry about your present Luffy. Sometimes these things happen when I'm really busy but I always make sure to fix these mistakes."

The straw-hat tore open the wrapping. "MEAT!" He dug his fangs into the present.

The chef scratched idly at his neck, silently cursing Zolo's itching powder stunt. "Well, I'll be going now Luffy, have a Merry Boxing Day."

"Wait!"

Santa-Sanji turned around. "Yes?"

"Where's your beard?"

Sanji slapped his naked face. "Um…Mrs. Claus doesn't like the hairy beard after Christmas so I have to get rid of it – she can be very demanding."

Luffy smiled. "Since you're so nice Santa, I'm going to get my chef to make you something."

"No, it's right, Luffy!"

The captain bounded out of the room before Sanji could stop him.

"Curse that hyper-active freaky…" he scrambled up the rope. "Quick Chopper! He's going back to get me!" Sanji bolted along side the ship, stripping away his Santa outfit he dived into the porthole just as Luffy swung the door open.

"Sanji, what are you doing hanging out the porthole?" He asked innocently.

Sanji frowned. "I went out for a smoke. There a problem with that?"

"Do you always go out of the porthole?"

"Yes," the chef snapped. "But you're always asleep, so how would you know?"

Luffy didn't argue with Sanji's more superior ways of thinking. "Anyway, can you cook Santa a meal?"

"You still on that fat-red thing that goes 'ho ho ho'?" Sanji slipped the rest of the way into the room. "Besides everyone knows that Santa is on a diet of carrots and that Mrs. Claus cooks good meals for him."

"Do they?" Luffy asked, remembering the valuable piece of information. "Oh, that's okay then…I'll just go tell him."

Sanji watched as Luffy bolted out of the room. "SHIT."

Luffy found the kitchen empty; he hurried over to the makeshift chimney and called up. "Santa?"

"I'm afraid I must hurry Luffy…a lot more mistakes to make amends for." Came Santa's voice.

"Hang-on," Luffy said. "I want to thank you for Zolo's present, he really liked the sword polish."

"Well he had damn better…"

Luffy was taken back. "What…? And Nami loved the navigation book."

"Ahhhhh, my beloved Nami…I mean, that's nice."

The captain shook his head. "You don't sound too good Santa, I'm coming up. GUM GUM PISTOL!"

Sanji peered into the dark chimney. "No Luffy!" The rubber hand collided with his jaw. Chopper screamed and Luffy appeared over the rim of the chimney. He looked down at the sprawled chef and his eyes narrowed.

"Sanji, what are you doing out here? Why are you covered in soot?"

Sanji groaned. "I came out here for a smoke…" he paused. "I had a lot of cigarettes."

He turned to Chopper.

The reindeer's eyes grew wide. "Uhhhhhhhh…I WAS SMOKING TOO!"

A/N: So how was it? Sorry to those who still believe in Santa and I've just ruined it for you…but at least you can look forward to Sanji…lol

Poor Luffy (sniffs) Sanji stuffed up big time!

Be sure to review!