The snow was meeting the ground as he stood motionless, blanketed by shadows and sleet, wrapped in icy flakes as he waited. For what he wasn't sure, he had long given up hope for a sign from his Saviour, knew he'd been abandoned here in the darkness he felt he could drown in.
He peered over the bridge, the cement callous to his touch. Ice and snow bit at his skin sending tremors of pain through his already gnarled and frozen fingers. Skin raw and seething as the wind whipped gusts of subzero against exposed digits as they curled over the brink. He shut his eyes to the snowstorm, the world tinted orange by the street lamps hanging high above. The roar of an engine splintered the serenity of the night as the flash of headlights from an oncoming vehicle shattering the shadows spurred him into action, the fear of company forced his hand as he hoisted himself, slipping and sliding with trepidation as he ventured to the other side, the side of defeat and despair, the side one only clamoured to when hope had long since departed.
The car vanished as it tore across the highway, swallowed in the fog of winter as Shawn shivered. Nobody cared he was here, nobody stopped to notice the half clothed figure. No winter refinery adorned his form. He clutched the ledge behind him, hands smarting as goosebumps rippled across his semi-covered flesh.
Footing was precarious here, the edge not accepting his presence as willingly, instead he teetered and stumbled, swallowed a muffled mourn of surprise.
The murky water raged as he stared at the darkness below; his breath crystallising to frost in the air as he whimpered, ragged clouds escaping into the night to meet the stars burning in the blackness.
The water lapped against the support beams hungrily, craving his body with frigid promises of eternal confidentiality. The watery grave would never tell, never whisper his secret to the world. The pain and fear would be obliterated and the shame would finally be erased.
It would be so easy. So damn easy. All he had to do was let go. Just let go and he could leave it all behind.
He swallowed, shut his eyes to the droplets of ice still coating his flesh. His entire body burned with the cold, hair billowed against his face, wet and sleek in the winter weather, far from a wonderland, glinting dangerously under it's masquerade of beauty.
Shawn wondered which would hurt more, standing here in the cold until hypothermia claimed him or taking the final step and plunging into the river below to sacrifice himself to a current of icy daggers, to needle and slice his skin until he surrendered to the afterlife.
The pain would pale in comparison to the agony that had been crippling him, the hurt that had led him to the bridge.
Eyes snapped open and he cast them downwards seeking the pounding water, water washed away all sins. Water could cleanse the filth clinging to his violated form.
Melted snow snaked a cold trail down his neck, the tear pooling beneath his shirt collar as the sky continued to weep. He knew it wouldn't be long before the line between tears and snowflakes blurred as he blinked back salted beads.
He could see the Christmas lights twinkling across the water, stretches of houses in the distance full of festive cheer and peace on earth. There was no peace to soothe him, no goodwill to see. Festive cheer was some long forgotten dream, a memory of a better time when fairy lights had installed Christmas spirit and not nauseating fear.
Lip trembled as his grasp slackened slightly, fingers slipping a millimetre as he winced against the memories. It was getting harder to fight as he stiffened in the howling wind, the wailing in his ears not strong enough to overpower the words bellowing in his mind. The truth as loud and clear as any sign from God. He pushed it away, desperately tried to silence it as he glared across the water, determined to end his suffering.
His mind's eye presented a kaleidoscope of grief, the memories blending into one angst filled blur, hands grabbing, pain and fright bathed in a multi-coloured glow whilst the snow tainted crimson as he writhed, it was all merging until he could feel his head spin. He shuffled further, the crunch of snow softened beneath his feet, the broken ice hurtling to meet the water dragging a perverse excitement from the pit of his stomach. Soon he could close his eyes to the memories for eternity.
His phone bleeped disrupting his thoughts as the low tone seared the silence of the night. He fumbled in his pocket, fingers stiff and useless in the crisp coldness ; eventually managed to wrench it from the depths of denim.
Rebecca's name flashed amongst the droplets of water, the blue glow reflecting his soaked and fearful features.
" Come home xxx"
He read the text repeatedly, lips dry. He took one last glance at the water below, the phone heavy in his hand, contemplated returning it to the folds of his clothing and allowing it to drown in the water with him.
Wind wrapped itself around him as he stalled, time ticking by as he debated.
He couldn't.
He'd begged and pleaded for some sort of single from his Saviour and now that the Lord had delivered he couldn't ignore it.
He turned his back on the water, reached for the wall and yanked himself over, scrambling clumsily across until he landed with a thud on the other side.
He stayed where he'd fallen for what seemed like forever, hunched against the concrete, torso wracked with hurt. He curled away from the road as the first sob cracked, fracturing his heartbreak to the night. He spluttered, grieving for himself, until he was spent. Unsteadily he stood, legs trembling as he rose using the wall for support.
He clutched the phone tightly ; determined to hold onto the lifeline Rebecca's text had offered him as he lurched back the way he'd came. The river still crashed beneath him mocking his reluctance. Shawn glanced upwards, seeking a distraction, the stars blinked invitingly guiding him home.
He was far from healed, but just for a moment he felt consoled.
He prayed he could keep that feeling.