RIMMER'S REVENGE.
Second Technician, Arnold J. Rimmer rolled back his eyelids, and awoke to the painful sound of Dave Lister singing loudly, strumming tunelessly with his guitar. He swore that useless, infuriating, curry-eating slob did it on purpose.
"Lister... Stop." Rimmer began, stretching slowly as Lister strummed away.
"Lister... Please." Rimmer's voice rose an octave. Lister still strummed away, singing discordantly.
"LISTER, STOP IT THAT'S AN ORDER!" Rimmer screamed. Did that goit ever listen? he thought angrily.
Lister put his guitar down, and gave a satisfied smirk.
"Yes Mr. Arnold sir!" he retorted mockingly, with a silly salute. Rimmer sighed wearily, and sat at the table nearby.
"I don't know, how you honestly think your childish, immature jokes are going to effect me Lister?" Rimmer began.
Lister exhaled. Here we go again, he thought.
"They don't anyway, so why bother?" Rimmer continued, "When it does nothing whatsoever.
"Souper." Lister replied, with a light-hearted snigger. Rimmer's face turned red for a second, then he stormed out of the Sleeping Quarters.
Lister was enthralled, about tonight's prospects. The prospect of spending the night with Krissie Kochanski. Thoughts bubbled up inside him, that he couldn't suppress. He lay on his bunk. The minutes crawled by. The tension, and excitement grew as he glanced at the clock. Five minutes before... The night of his life. Lister fidgeted in anticipation, as he watched the clock. Four minutes. Three minutes. Two minutes. One Min-Lister darted out of the Sleeping Quarters, and stopped into a casual saunter. He was surprised he didn't wake Rimmer. As he reached Kochanski's Quarters, he could barely keep a steady stance. He peered in with a mischievious grin, from ear to ear. But...
"Hello?" Lister asked, with confusion. She wasn't there. Completely vanished. Gone. Lister looked around in worry. He was sure that she told him to meet her at this time. Lister double-checked his watch. No doubt about it. Lister exhaled and put his back against the wall.
"Alright dudes?" Holly asked cheerfully. Holly appeared on Lister's watch-face.
"No, Krissie's gone, she told me she'd be 'ere, but she's gone..." Lister replied sadly. Holly shook his head, and smile knowingly.
"You've been duped," Holly began, "Her and Rimmer left five minutes ago..."
Lister's face dropped into an angry frown.
"What...?" Lister asked, his face trembling with a mix of fear, and severe anger.
"They've gone, buggered off, took Blue Midget with 'em." Holly responded, still holding his cheery grin. Lister sighed wearily, with a stifled cry.
Lister walked slowly back to the Sleeping Quarters. They'd be far gone now. He climbed up the ladder to his bunk, and seated himself on it, weeping as did so.
"Wait a minute, what am I doin'?" Lister said to himself, "I should be out there gettin' her back!" his features moulding into an expression of realization. Suddenly, a familiar face flashed on the screen nearby. Rimmer. Arnold J. Smeggin' Rimmer.
"Ah, Listy, sorry to interrupt your sorrow, but I'm sure you all by now, that me and Krissie have abandoned ship, and we've taken Starbug with us, I understand this may have a problematic effect on you, since after all you are the last human being in the universe, dare I say that. But... Smeg you anyway..." Rimmer greeted with a satisfied smile, No words passed Lister's lips. Not even a mutter. Not even a small sigh of frustration. He just lay there in stunned silence. "Oh, and by the way," Rimmer added, "I've put your sweaty socks back in the hamper, just to be helpful..." Krissie then appeared beside him, with a happy smirk.
"We're not coming back Dave!" Krissie chuckled, muttering inaudibly into Rimmer's ear flirtatiously. Lister winced in disgust, and the message ended.
"My god, that's gross!" the Cat muttered. Lister sighed, and unfolded the note that was left in the Sleeping Quarters, before they had left. He'd already looked at it in all its disgusting glory. It was addressed to Rimmer, it said: "I think I'm ready now, it's our time Rimsy xx" Lister's face reddened, Rimsy? He tried to reassure himself, it was not the reason he thought it was. But he had a feeling. The feeling wasn't good. Lister picked up a bottle of alcohol from under his pillow, and took a long swig. Then, he dashed out into the corridor, and shot away into the direction of the Cargo Bay.
"Hey, where you going?" Cat shouted after him, but there was no reply.
"Open Cargo Bay doors, Hol..." Lister ordered angrily, seating himself in Blue Midget, taking another swig from his bottle.
"Are y'sure you should be driving pissed?" Holly questioned with concern.
"OPEN CARGO BAY DOORS! I AM NOT PISHED!" Lister retorted loudly, slamming his console in rage.
"Opening Cargo Bay doors..." Holly stated quietly, opened the doors, and Blue Midget flew out into the galaxy.
"Smeggin' hell, man," Lister sobbed, "She was part of me plan, Fuji, and we were going to have twins, you saw the Future Echo." Lister continued, "And now, that SMEGHEAD, has gone and taken the only one I ever loved-oh no, there they are... Smeggers!"
"Incoming message, Dave..." Holly yelled suddenly. The view-screen came into life, and Rimmer appeared once more, smiling smugly as before.
"Don't bother, you balloon-bellied space cookie," Rimmer muttered in anger, "Your pathetic, and it's; tragic, and now prepare yourself for the consequences, the times you shattered my confidence, my life, my career, now you'll see how you make me feel..." Rimmer continued with a low cackle. The message ended abruptly. Lister weeped, and slammed his head on the console.
"Hol..." Lister began to ask, holding back a cry, then he trailed off to find a horrible sight. "They've got a missile lock on us!" he spoke with surprise. Suddenly there was an almighty jolt, and Lister jumped back.
"We've been hit! Open communication channels!" Lister ordered in fright, "Rimmer, this is stupid, come back and we'll talk about this, back on the Dwarf!"
"Back on the Dwarf?" Rimmer replied mockingly, "It's too late for that..."
"Well, if you don't wanna be reasonable..." Lister finished, and closed communication channels, taking a heavy breath.
"Dave?" Holly questioned, with an anxious expression.
"I can't do it," Lister moaned, "I can't kill her, I've got to let her g-" Lister was cut as their craft was struck again. The console exploded, and Lister jet to the back of his seat, then slid to the floor in defeat. Another missile was ejected from Starbug, and took out Holly, who by now had cowered off the screen. Lister lay on his side, coughing wearily, as the sparks showered his body.
"Smeg..." Lister murmured, his eyes now bleary. Starbug finally aimed another shot at Blue Midget. Starbug exploded, it's shell, including its interior was destroyed by the blast. Rimmer put his arm around Kochanski. They gazed at each other in happiness. Krissie's eyes gleamed, as Rimmer pulled her closer towards him. Krissie giggled, and clutched his torso. Then they kissed passionately, wrapping their arms around each other tightly. Whilst they were reveling in their ecstasy, they'd not realized that no-one was piloting the craft. Also another thing they had not realized was the rocky outcrop of the planet in their path. Starbug crashed through into the planet's atmosphere, and slammed into the ground. Krissie gave one last laugh and died, slipping swiftly out of Rimmer's arms, both falling to the floor on impact. Rimmer's body twitched. He clutched his head, and began to whimper like a child. There was no chance, he was going to be rescued in the middle of deep space. And the one he'd loved was dead. And his friend betrayed, and also dead. Rimmer reached into his stomach, and extracted his light-bee. His image flickered into nothingness. There was nothing here for him anymore. And as usual, it was all his fault.