Once upon a time there was a completely grown-up young woman, who (due to the finest hair-coloring products purchased from her local beauty salon) had hair of golden blonde, thus earning her the nickname of Goldilocks.
One day Goldilocks was briskly walking through the forest near her small country home in the Adirondack Mountains. She was wearing a vibrant orange T-shirt which advertised, in large, dark-blue letters, "Tropikal Treazure," followed in small print by, "Orange Soda," and then, in medium-size, "The Fun Way to Hydrate!" She had on a pair of skin-tight blue jeans and light-brown cowgirl boots which rose up half-way up her calves.
"La, la, la, la," she sang as she strode along, "yeah, my hair's so gold, as gold as can be! Yeah, my… oh!" she broke off suddenly. "Hello, Mr. Wolf!"
"Hello, Goldy," replied The Wolf politely, as he doffed his hat.
"Hey, what's the big idea, tying my friend, Red Riding Hood, to that tree?" she demanded.
"Mpfff!" echoed Red Riding Hood, who wanted that question answered herself. She could only say "Mpfff!" because The Wolf had used his necktie to cleave-gag her.
"Well, you see," The Wolf explained, as he started tying Red Riding Hood's legs against the slender trunk of a gray birch, having finished binding her arms and torso, "what happened is, Red here is very ecologically-minded…"
"Mpfff!" interjected Red Riding Hood.
"…and when she heard that this tree was scheduled to be chopped down, she figured if she were tied to it that that would stop the lumberjacks," he continued smoothly, "and thus this tree would be spared! So she asked me to help her, and, of course, I agreed."
"Wow, that's really nice of you!" enthused Goldilocks. "You know, Red, it would probably be a lot easier for Wolfy to tie your legs to that tree if you'd stop kicking them around like that!"
"Mpfff!" replied Red Riding Hood in frustration.
"So, what brings you out this way, Goldy?" asked The Wolf, deftly changing the subject.
"I thought I'd drop by The Three Bears' house, and pay them a surprise visit."
"I don't think that's such a good idea," The Wolf cautioned her. "I kind of get the idea that those bears like to be left alone."
"Well, that's just wrong," said Goldilocks. "Folks should be friendly, and drop in on one another, and welcome their neighbors into their houses. And I think when I show up, and they see what a fun sort of person I am to have around they'll be glad I did visit them!"
"I'm not so sure," The Wolf answered, but then his attention was diverted when he noticed that Red Riding Hood had nearly worked one of her arms free! He began getting his captive secured again, and Goldilocks resumed along her way.
"Yeah, my hair's so gold, and really shiny!" she sang. "Oh, here I am!" she announced, as she spotted a log cabin with a small vegetable garden outside, and "Bear" neatly printed on the mailbox.
"Hello-oooooooooo!" she called out as she stepped inside. She wandered into the dining room, where she noticed three bowls of porridge placed on the table. "Like, gag me with a spoon!" she exclaimed, wrinkling her nose as she took a taste. "There's no way I'm eating this! I'm going into the kitchen, and making myself an English muffin, instead.
"Now, where would that be?" she wondered, as she opened one of the cabinets, knocking over a jar of flour in the process, and spilling its contents onto the floor. She reached over to straighten it back up, and upset another jar, this time spilling out cornmeal.
"I'll clean that up later," she promised herself, as she finally found a muffin, which she sliced in half and popped into the toaster. "Right now, though, I need to get some jam." She rummaged through the refrigerator, and picked up a jar of blackberry jam, only to have it slip, and smash onto the hardwood floor.
"All that broken glass could be a problem," she reflected. She reached for a broom, and tried sweeping it up, smearing the jam around.
"That's just making things worse!" she realized, as she angrily gave twirl with the broom, causing a stack of plates to crash onto the floor. "Well, at least one of them didn't break," she announced, holding it up, and then, "Oops!" as it fell out of her hand, and broke into pieces.
"Oh, forget the muffin, and forget cleaning up this place!" she exclaimed. "I mean, honestly, it's not my fault that these bears have slippery jars of jam, and keep their dishes too close to the edge of their counter!"
She wandered into the den, where she noticed three chairs clustered about a computer. She seated herself, and idly moved the mouse, causing the screen to come to life. "Maybe I'll check my deviantART account," she reflected, as she logged in. "Oh, look!" she exclaimed in delight, "David-presents has a new story posted! I've got to check it out!"
She clicked on the link, and spent the next few minutes reading. "I don't know," she said, when she finished. "That was kind of unbelievable, really. I mean, I just can't see a grown-up person acting like such a brat as that damsel did in his story."
She spent the next couple moments randomly surfing the net. "Oh, what's this? 'Free Viruses for Your Computer!' Well, that does sound like fun!" she exclaimed, as she clicked the download button.
"Yes, of course I want to continue," she said impatiently in response to the prompt that followed. "I wouldn't have started it in the first place if I didn't. Honestly, these computers ask some pretty strange questions."
There was a loud bang as the screen when dark, and a puff of smoke came out the back of the CPU. "I wonder if there's something wrong?" she thought anxiously. "I'm beginning to think that nothing in this house works right!"
She got up, and started wandering about some more, before coming to the bedroom, where she noticed three beds placed in a row. "Well, I did stay up kind of late last night," she admitted with a yawn, "so perhaps I'll just catch a little nap, until those bears get back home!"
She slipped off her cowgirl boots, revealing a pair of rose-colored socks, and then crawled into the smallest of the three beds, and was soon fast asleep.
As she slept she dreamed that she was back in the forest with The Wolf, only this time she was the one he was tying up, while Red Riding Hood looked on jealously. He kept adding more and more ropes, tying her tighter and tighter until….
Until she woke up with a start, and realized she really was being tied up!
She found herself surrounded by three bears: a great big bear, who had to be Papa Bear; a medium-sized bear, who had to be Mama Bear; and a little bear cub, who, of course, was Baby Bear.
They were staring down at her where she lay, and looking very unfriendly, causing her to think her best course of action might be to jump out the window, and give them a chance to cool down a bit. But unfortunately for her, she was unable to move, for her upper arms had been tied against her sides, and her lower arms were tied together behind her back, while more rope had been used to tie her legs together, with loops both just above and just below her knees.
So instead of jumping out the window, all she could do was lie where she was, and roll a bit from side to side. "Hey, what's the big idea, tying me up like this?" she demanded.
"What's the big idea of coming in here, and wrecking our house?" demanded Papa Bear in his turn.
"Well, you don't have to talk so mean to me," she said, feeling almost ready to cry, or, more accurately, managing to make herself look as if she were. "The way you're acting, you'd think that everything that happened here was somehow my fault!"
The bears merely growled in reply, so she took a deep breath. "Okay, I can see you guys are kind of upset, for some reason, so maybe you should just untie me now, and then I'll put my boots back on and be on my… hey!" she exclaimed, because Mama Bear had tossed her cowgirl boots out the window.
"You're not going anywhere," Mama Bear told her as she started wadding up her handkerchief.
"But mpfff!" replied Goldilocks, just as Mama Bear placed the handkerchief into Goldilocks' open mouth. She then tore off a strip of black electrical tape, which she placed across Goldilocks mouth. Since the tape was so narrow it did not do a good job of holding the handkerchief, but the bear solved that problem by placing more and more strips in various directions, until she was satisfied that her captive would not be able to work the handkerchief out of her mouth. "Mpfff!"
"What are we going to do with her now?" grumbled Papa Bear.
"Give her a spanking!" suggested Baby Bear gleefully.
"MPFFF!" protested Goldilocks indignantly. No one had ever dared discipline her in her entire life!
"Hmm, yes, a good spanking," mused Papa Bear as he rubbed his paws together while Goldilocks gave him an appealing look. "That's just the thing! You would be better for it, I'm sure; so, as distasteful as I, personally, find the thought of doing so, I think I had better place you across my lap, and give you a few…"
"You're not going to spank her," interrupted Mama Bear hurriedly. "We need a more… permanent solution for her. Let's start a big bonfire, and throw her in!"
"We can't start any fires, because your brother would never let us hear the end of it if we did," objected Papa Bear. "Let's weigh her down with rocks, and toss her in the crick."
"That won't work; the water level in the crick is to low to drown her," disagreed Mama Bear. "It only gets high in the spring when the snow melts."
"I still say we should spank her!" announced Baby Bear.
Knock, knock, knock!
"Now what is it?" grumbled Papa Bear as he and his wife and child went to see who was at the door.
"Greetings and salutations, peasants!"
"What do you want, wolf?" demanded Papa Bear, not much caring for being called a peasant.
"I'm not a wolf; I'm Prince Charming, as you can clearly see from the purple cloak I'm wearing!" announced The Wolf as he quickly stepped into the house.
"Oh, well, excuse me for not figuring out that that's what you're supposed to be," replied Papa Bear caustically.
"A mistake made, no doubt, from your lack of association with members of royalty," said The Wolf, missing Papa Bear's sarcasm, and trying to speak how he imagined a prince would. "And as to the purpose of my visit, well, the thing is, last night I hosted a masked ball where I met a beauty who quite stole my heart away, before she stole herself away, merely leaving behind this one clue to her identity!" And with that he reached under his cloak, and dramatically produced one of the cowgirl boots that Mama Bear had defenestrated a few minutes before.
"And now I am on a quest to find the foot which goes with this," he continued to explain, as The Three Bears stared at him in astonishment. He turned to Mama Bear. "If, madam, you will be so kind as to extend one of your legs? Yes, thank you. Alas, it does not quite fit, I am afraid. Are there any other females in this abode?"
"No, there's nobody else here. Go away!" growled Papa Bear.
"Mpfff!" called out Goldilocks from the bedroom.
"Hark; 'tis the voice of my beloved!" The Wolf exclaimed as he dashed in.
"Just how stupid does that wolf think we are?" complained Papa Bear. "And where did he get the crazy idea that all he has to do is put on a cloak, or a nightgown, or whatever, and folks will think he's a human?"
"Just play along with him," Mama Bear urged. "I imagine we scared that girl half to death with all our talk about burning and drowning her, so I'm sure we'll ever see her again. We needed some way for her to leave, without her realizing we were just setting her free, so this should work out as well as anything else."
"It's a perfect fit!" announced The Wolf happily as he walked back in, with Goldilocks - still bound and gagged, but with both of her cowgirl boots back on - slung over one shoulder. "I thank you good folks for the hospitality you have so generously provided my dream damsel," he continued, as he hurried towards the door, afraid the bears might try to stop him, "and in return, you will, of course, have to come join us in my cave, um, I mean, in my castle, for dinner one of these evenings!"
"Mpfff!" said Goldilocks. She wanted to wave good-bye, but, as her arms were so immobilized, she swung her legs instead, knocking the hall lamp over.
Papa Bear gave an angry roar, and The Wolf, not wasting any time, dashed outside.
"Mpfff!" exclaimed Goldilocks, as The Wolf carried her along. She looked up, to see the log cabin home of The Three Bears as it disappeared into the trees. "Well, that visit went over pretty well, I think," she told herself, "I'm going to make it a point to go back there and see them again some time real soon!"