Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. But I desperately wish I did.
Lancelot woke and wished for anything, but for this day to begin. It had been building for weeks, everyone in Camelot was excited and had been preparing. But Lancelot found no joy in the fact that it was Gwen and Arthur's wedding day.
He was on duty that night with Gwain so they slept in the castle rather than their personal residences. It was probably for the best; otherwise he might not have left his house today.
"You're up early" commented Gwain. Lancelot was known for being a slow riser.
Lancelot inwardly groaned at his perpetually upbeat comrade. Gwain was a little over the top, but all in all a likeable fellow; in any case he was someone he was proud to call friend. "Yep, it's a big day today. We have a lot to do in terms of security and preparations."
"Yes, I can see your enthusiasm for the task."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You look like your dog died."
Lancelot just exhaled "You wouldn't understand."
"What, that today marks a finality that Gwen is truly beyond reach."
Lancelot's head popped up "What?"
"Don't try to deny it. You have feelings for her."
"You know nothing of my feelings."
"I know that when she's in the vicinity no matter the occasion you track her with your eyes. I know that every time Arthur touches her in the slightest or kisses her, you wince or look away. I know that you avoid her, but when there's an occasion where you must speak with her your face looks like it's pleading. So I think after my observations I can talk about your feelings."
"We'll if you acknowledge that, then have some decency and don't jest about it. You don't know what it's like."
"Don't I? The first time I saw Gwen I was instantly taken with her. She was walking through the lower town. I stopped everything and fell over myself trying to get to know her. I gave her a flower and told her she looked like a princess. I wouldn't leave her alone until she told me her name. I even offered to carry her washing through the street. But she merely smiled politely, gave me back my flower and walked away. I found out later that she turned me away because of Arthur."
"I guess you do know… somewhat. When I first came to Camelot it was before Arthur took note of her. I quickly developed feelings for her and… she returned them" he said with wonder. "But Uther would not accept me as a knight since I was not of noble blood. So I had to leave and find a new path – prove my worth. Even though our feelings were new, I thought about asking her to join me, but I did not know where I would go and what exactly I would do. She deserved someone with a stable home, who could care for her properly. My plan was to start a new life, find a home and then see if she would join me."
"What happened?"
"I couldn't make a go of it. I ended up as a hired fighter who fought not for war or glory, but for the sport of drunken hooligans in need of entertainment. Gwen was kidnapped and ended up in that wretched place. She saw what I had become, but she still had kind words for me. That act completely sealed the stamp she had placed on my heart."
"I've heard about that adventure."
"Really?"
"Yes. Merlin told me about it. Told me about the lengths that Arthur went through to get her back, against his father's wishes."
"Indeed, he saved our lives. As I consider that time I think I could have claimed Gwen then; her feelings for Arthur had not taken deep root, although his had. I believe I could have persuaded her to come away with me. However, I still had no place to go and no home to offer her. I left so that I would not come between them. I only found out recently from Merlin that she shed tears over my departure."
"It was the right thing to do."
"I keep telling myself that, everyday as I see her walk the halls or in the courtyard wearing a noble woman's fine clothes. But it still doesn't make it any easier. I'm happy for the two of them, truly I am. However there is part of me that hopes she will forsake Arthur, and come back to me. Arthur would be angry, but I believe he would allow us to live in peace. We could have the life I imagined with her here, in Camelot. But after today, that hope dies. I pray that I don't die with it."
"You will survive. And it will give you closure, so that you can move on, find another maid."
"It's easier said than done. You see, I have tasted Gwen's lips, felt the warm touch of her hand. In spite of the fact that she was a servant, her hands were incredibly soft. For well used hands to be that soft I can only imagine the feel of the rest of her. I've heard her utter my name in the tones of affection and experienced the bliss that comes with a loving gaze from her dark beautiful eyes. I've tried to move on, but no kiss I've had since compares to what I felt when I kissed Gwen. I am grateful to at least have the memory, but I am so jealous of Arthur I could die."
"But as you said you have these wonderful memories. I have nothing of her except warm friendly smiles and hugs."
"Those memories are not enough. It's not even the ceremony that wounds me so, although to have that kind of claim on her would make me complete. After the ceremony Arthur will take her back to his chambers. He will unclothe her and gaze upon her beauty. He will see what no other man has ever seen. Then he will get to touch that flesh, and I can only imagine its softness. He will kiss her, suckle her and taste her nectar. He will take her maidenhead, possessing her in a way no other man will be able to again. No matter what happens in the future, part of her will always be his.
"He'll experience her touch in ways that can never be seen in public; his ears will fill the sounds she makes in the throws of passion. He may even hear her call his name in passion. Arthur will know her in a way that is primal and private for the two of them alone. And when they are done, tonight and every night thereafter he can lay his head between her breasts and take refuge in her arms."
Lancelot continued to stare at the floor after he finished speaking. He looked up when there was no response from Gwain. Gwain's face was flushed and his eyes showed that his mind was somewhere else.
"You alright Gwain?"
He cleared his throat, his eyes still slightly dazed "That's quite a picture you paint." He voice was still throaty, almost breathless.
"And that was only a portion of my thoughts. My other thoughts I fear are too private to share."
"Good because I can hear no more; otherwise I'll need to find myself a whore before the end of the day." Gwain wanted to change the subject, and quickly. "Well, we'd best get on our way. After all there is much to do."
The threat that Morgana or some other enemy would try to sabotage the day was very real. The knights and guards were diligent about security. And thankfully as of the ceremony there were no incidents.
Lancelot stood in the great hall with all the other onlookers and thought he would faint dead on the spot when the doors opened and Gwen walked into the room to begin the ceremony. As she walked the isle on the arm of her brother she was absolutely breathtaking. She was already beautiful, but to see her in her gown, with her hair prepared just so, the rouge that was applied to her cheeks and lips and the adornment of fine jewels. He swallowed hard to try and keep is face neutral. One person who could not hide his reaction was Arthur, and he wasn't expected to either. He looked at her with wonder in eyes as if he were dreaming. When she approached the front he immediately tried to kiss her.
It was the quick hand of the Vicar that came between them, and effectively separated him from her. "It's not time for that part yet, Sire."
There were a few chuckles through out the room, but Lancelot did not laugh with them.
"Right, carry on" was Arthur's response as he looked around uncomfortably. He had completely forgotten himself when he saw her. He ventured another look at her and all the embarrassment he felt vanished in her smile. He could not believe how lucky he was to have this woman.
Lancelot watched the ceremony, watched their hands bound together by the ribbon and watched them look at each other adoringly. His heart was heavy. In spite of his best efforts his mind kept conjuring imagines of himself standing at the altar with Gwen instead of Arthur; then he'd clear his mind and the reality of the situation felt like a dagger going through his heart.
During the banquet that followed he sat with the other knights as was his duty and watched her smile and laugh at the entertainment. Everyone was watching the jester except Lancelot and Arthur who both watched Gwen. Not long after the meal the couple stood and waved their exit to the crowd. As was custom they personally greeted a few guests on their way out. Lancelot got up to go get fresh air. He could not take the risk that they would stop and speak with him. He was not sure he could convincingly wish them well at this time. In the outer room he found Merlin along with some of the other servants.
"Where are you off to? Everything alright?" asked Merlin with concern.
"Just need to get some air."
Merlin nodded in understanding. He knew about the feelings that Lancelot had for Gwen in the past. He thought the warrior would be long past them, but based upon his countenance today, evidently he was not.
Lancelot tried to change the subject "How about you then? Why are you out here when all of the festivities are in there?"
"I'm on duty as Arthur's servant tonight until the couple is alone."
"They require your escort?" he asked with surprise.
"No. It's some royal tradition or something. They are separated, freshened up, changed and such. I'll be helping Arthur in his chambers and the maids will take Gwen to the room she stayed at last night. At some point the maids will walk her to Arthur's chambers where she can… I guess… present herself to him… for… well… you know."
"I see."
"Oh, here they come. I'll speak with you later."
"Yes, later."
Lancelot went outside for a few minutes. He fought a battle in his mind and lost to his more carnal instincts. He knew exactly where Gwen's temporary room was and the route she would need to take to Arthur's chambers. He would probably curse himself for this later he was sure, but he had to do it.
There were several large columns and he would stand behind one, almost out of sight. He just had to see, get a glimpse of what she would look like when she presented herself to Arthur. He waited in the corridor for more than an hour. Finally he heard several sets of soft footsteps. It was them, it had to be. He moved into position so he could see her.
The maids were walking in front each carrying a small bouquet of roses. The roses that Gwen would pull the petals off of, to throw across Arthur's bed before he took her. The white rose petals to symbolize her purity, the red ones to symbolize the virgin blood that would be spilled. Right in front of Lancelot's location, one of the maids dropped the bouquet of roses she had been carrying. The little procession stopped as the maid knelt to pick them up.
"I'm sorry my lady, there was a thorn. I thought I had removed them all, I'm so sorry…"
"Don't fret Vala" said Gwen gently. "It's alright." It was then that Gwen stepped into view. She was about to kneel and help her servant pick the flowers up, but something caught her eye. She looked over, right into the eyes of Lancelot. They both froze for a moment; Gwen in surprise and Lancelot in awe.
She was dressed in all white linen and lace, and it made her beautiful honey colored skin appear luminescent. While the garment fit her form, he could tell it could be removed easily. They had removed all of the clips and flowers from her hair so it hung wild and free about her shoulders. The corset and jewels were gone as well as the rouge that had stained her lips and cheeks. Although the garment was opaque, he could actually see the natural curves of her body, rather than the shape the corset forced her into. So beautiful. She was bare in every sense of the word except for the thin white linen dress, the lace shawl and the thin little sandals that were nothing more than something to protect the soles of her feet from touching the floor. He realized this was the closest he would ever come to seeing her naked. The sight of her beauty made his heart lurch and tears well up in his eyes.
The trance between them broken when she gave him a gentle smile, like only Gwen could. It was a simple smile full of comfort and understanding. She knew he still had feelings for her, but rather than shun him, she tried to be kind to him. This only made him love her more. He gave her a wistful smile in return. By this time all of the flowers had been gathered and the procession of Gwen and her two maids continued. Once they were well past, Lancelot stepped into the corridor and took a deep breath of the scent of roses that lingered in the air. He spotted a stray rose petal near the wall; he picked it up and put it in his pocket as a keepsake.
Yes, he was jealous of Arthur. But in his heart of hearts he knew he had made the right decision for her, walking away those years ago. He truly loved her and to see her this happy, he would do it again. The image of how beautiful she looked as she walked to Arthur's chambers was something he would never forget. He would have that image to cherish always, and this was the comfort that kept him sane that night.
A/N: Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Your Comments and Constructive Criticisms are welcome.