Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

If you came here looking for Enemies of the Cullen, beware!, there'll be a new chapter out soon. So shush.

Hey there.

I'm Reneesme Carlie Cullen (My mom was drunk on blood when she named me. Yay for normality.) and I'm 17 years old. I think. Literally, I'm 8 years old, but don't remind dad of that fact. He's overprotective enough as he is. Jeez, I wonder how mom managed to stand him for all these years. … Alice just shouted out the answer. Something that I shouldn't repeat, but I will mention that it's just added onto my steadily growing list of teenage awkward sexual trauma.

I live with my numerous aunts, uncles and grandparents, plus some guy who's staying with us for a while. Oh, and that dude who happened to imprint on me when I was born, which means he'll love me for the rest of my life which gives him automatic custody to me.

…

Oh god, I feel awful just typing it out.

The reason I'm bothering is because of the stupid, stupid English homework assignment. And I thought that while I was typing out my boring, fake normal diary, I could as well type out the real story of my life. Which is pretty damn interesting, considering I'm living with nine vampires and a werewolf. Oh, and am a half-vampy myself. Did I mention the werewolf-imprinting-on-half-vamp bit?

So, yeah.

My family is really, really complicated.

I don't even know where to start, so I'll just explain as I go along. And it's kind of weird, telling myself who I live with and who's married to who. At least it isn't all Midsummer Night's Dream-esque. Heh.

Let's just start with a basic introduction, in case I knock my head really hard against the table (in which case the table would be reduced to splinters, but anyway) and get amnesia or something and forget everything about my family.

The love of my life is supposed to be Jacob Black. He's the aforementioned werewolf who imprinted on me and all that. It's probably easy for him, being an imprinter. He knows he loves me for life (and I'm seriously flattered) and doesn't love anyone else.

But what about me? Can't I decide whether I love him or not? Or do I have to, like, love him because he loves me more than anything else? There should be a guideline for these kind of things. If I wrote one, I'd make the first rule: The imprint-ee gets to choose whether to love the imprinter or not. The imprintee is not automatically 'possessed' by the imprinter. Because that is totally unfair.

I mean, I want to make my own choices in life. I'm eight years old. Admittedly, it isn't all that impressive (Who the hell am I kidding?!) but I should get a choice anyway.

The second rule would be: The imprint-ee's family should have no say in the matter whatsoever. Even if the family approves of the imprinter and his/her intentions, the imprintee gets final say. Because after all, it is his/her life.

Really, all this imprinter and imprintee is seriously confusing. Maybe I should write a guide to help all those other clueless idiots being ravaged by big hairy werewolves. (He hee… I really hope Jake doesn't see this, or he'll kill me.)

…

Uncle Emmett just stormed into the room, asking me where his blue pre-schoolish socks were. When I asked him why, he told me that Auntie Rose gets turned on by them when they're in a complete uniform with his pre-school roleplay kit.

Believe me, I am trying to scrub the image from my mind. But when you live in a house where everybody has regular sex, you get these kind of things happening.

I wonder if Jake thinks about it. Having sex, I mean. If he does, I don't want to know. It's just so wrong on too many levels. He was in love with my mom for God's sake- and I don't think…

I can't bring myself to type it out. I'll try though. If I can type it out on a Microsoft Word document, I can damn well believe it and make my own decisions.

I don't lokjdkasljdalkwijqqow

… I'm getting more pathetic by the day. My family doesn't know ANYTHING about what I really feel. That's cause I learnt how to flip my shield thing. It's pretty awesome- Uncle Jasper can't influence me or feel my emotions, dad can't read my mind, and Aunt Alice already can't see me or Jake.

So no one in my house knows, to be honest. And I will make it stay that way. Even if I don't like Jake in, err, that way, doesn't mean I'm just going to shout it out to the world.

Instead, I'll just type it out on a word processor, which is so much better.

…

Right.

Oops, dad just came in. He said grandma Esme asked if I wanted blood ice cream. I love blood ice cream, it is the bestest thing in the world. I love it so much, I can eat it everyday for breakfast, lunch and di-

Sorry. I'm going all vampire-y. Not that vampireness isn't bad, in fact, it's pretty great. I just wished I was a full vampire, then Jake wouldn't have imprinted on the human part of me.

But sheesh, it's kind of annoying being an imprintee. Jake follows me around all the freaking time. Some people call it devotion. I call it stalker tendencies. He also makes all my decisions for me (like my dad) and I seriously hate that. He can't order me around! Call it teenage rebellion, but I detest people who do that. WHO THE HECK DOES HE THINK HE IS? HUH, HUH, HUH?!

…

Awkward.

But I think it's unfair on me. Sure, I get someone who loves me for the rest of my life (which is what everyone wants) but… Shouldn't I get some say in this as well? What if… well.

What if…

I didn't love him back?

I, Reneesme Carlie Cullen, don't love Jacob Black in anything other than an annoying best friend way. I don't want to do him, marry him, be his girlfriend and I don't like him growling at any guy that looks at me, other than my dad. And my uncles. And my granddad. I don't like him looking (read: staring) at me all the time, I hate it when he follows me around, I hate it when he climbs into my room through the window and thinks he's doing me a favour.

I'm a HALF vampire. I need my freaking sleep. I will get eye bags and be cranky when I don't get my sleep.

I hate it when he swoops up and hugs me from behind, and I hate the way his arms circle around my waist in a way too suggestive way, and I hate how vulnerable he makes me feel when he does that. I hate it when he protects me from every single freakin' deer that comes across my path, just 'cause they're bigger than I am. (Read: What part of almost indestructible does he not understand?!)

I hate it when he talks about the 'future' and how he's going to marry me and bring me back to Forks with him. I hate it when he talks about Forks, period. I hate it when he talks about marriage, and I hate the way he entwines our fingers, just because he can.

I hate it when I can't make my own decisions, and I hate the way everyone in my family just assumes that I'll love him madly because his love for me surpasses the heat of a thousand frickin' suns.

And I hate the way that he doesn't let me talk to the one that actually makes my heart flutter and my mouth dry up. He just growls and pulls me away, saying he's a threat and such.

There.

I said it.

Read it and weep.

I don't lovelove Jake.

I love someone else.

A vampire, if you must know.

So there.

And I'm going to get my blood ice cream now (blood ice cream, blood ice cream, lovelovelove.) and I'm just going to be happy that I've got it off my chest. (On a Microsoft word document, but still! I gotta start somewhere.) And I'm not going to say anything when Jake kisses my cheeks (or my lips) and I'm not going to glare at my family when they coo (excluding my dad) and when they think about 'our' future together (excluding me).

…

Alice just burst into my room (what is with everyone doing that?!) and asked me if yellow looked fat on her. Apparently Emmett said so. I told her that Emmett was a stupid-head and that yellow looked simply fabulous on her. She hugged me, gave me a lollipop (yellow, pretty much made out of food additives) and rushed out of the room. Ten seconds later, Jasper calmly walked into the room and took the lollipop out of my hand, shaking his head as he walked calmly back out, taking the lollipop with him.

Welcome to a normal life in the dysfunctional family that is Cullen.

Yay.

(P.S, I am not going to delete anything I type, even if it's really mean. Because it's just my thoughts, and I can't help it if they're mean.)

Anyone out there who thinks the Jake & Nessie pairing is just so convenient and a two-way love (at freaking first sight?!), Nessie would like a word with you.