Just fooling around, no coherent thought about it. Trying to grab these hours and hold onto them. Impossible. I knew that. Even at 16 I knew it.
Ashley was going to leave for England and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing real, considering that Joey thought I was too mentally ill to go. Screw him. I was so mad at him I could hardly stand it, but I was mad at Ashley, too. I mean after Jimmy got shot it seemed like things were so bleak, like none of us could be happy again. But then that changed. Ash and me got back together, and the music was going really great, and Jimmy was, well, he wasn't dead. And I thought I was happy and Ashley had to go and ruin it.
At the same time I kind of knew that I couldn't depend on Ashley for happiness. What kind of sick happiness was that? Well, I was sick, that was established. Doctors and psychiatrists and nurses and all my friends and Joey, they all agreed I was sick. It was only me who couldn't quite believe it.
I was sitting up in my garage, strumming the guitar. Not a real song, just random notes that kind of sounded nice all strung together. Soon I'd go meet Jimmy for a movie but not yet.
I sort of wondered how my real dad would have reacted to this whole 'bi-polar' business. He was a doctor, after all. Maybe he would have known what was wrong with me sooner. Or maybe I would have been just so completely fucked up from him playing head games with me that no one would be able to tell the difference.
I headed out to meet Jimmy for the movie. When I saw him at the mall I was still a little surprised by the wheelchair but I hid it. I didn't want him to know that I really noticed it as much as I did. What did it really matter anyway? We were all damaged one way or another, just with Jimmy you could see it right away. Maybe that was better.
Joey showed up. I wasn't going to talk to him. But he offered me the tickets to England and I thought maybe it was okay, that he knew I was better and not just pretending that he thought it. And this was great because now I could spend the summer with Ashley.
X…..x……x……..x……..x………x.
I thought of going to Ash's house and telling her about the tickets and how we could spend our summer together but I figured it would be better to surprise her. I called her, though, so she wouldn't suspect anything was up.
"Hey, Ash,"
"Craig,"
"Listen, I just wanted to call and say…bye,"
"Bye. I'm so going to miss you,"
"Yeah. Me, too. Have a good trip, okay?"
"Okay,"
We hung up and I smiled. She didn't suspect a thing.
At home, watching baseball with Joey, I shifted on the couch.
"Did you tell Ashley you're going to England?" he said. I cleared my throat and shifted again.
"Uh, no,"
"No? You didn't tell her? Don't you think you should?"
"Well, I kind of want it to be a surprise,"
"But Craig, what if she…what if she isn't crazy about the idea?"
I looked at him sharply.
"What do you mean, Joey? You think she won't be happy about it?"
"I don't know, Craig. She's a she, after all. Sometimes you just can't figure them out,"
"She'll be thrilled," I said, but thanks to Joey I suddenly wasn't so sure.
X….x…..x…..x……x.x…….x
The next morning was so bright but cool, I was in my leather jacket. Joey and Caitlin were hanging all over each other talking about their wedding. They both hugged me and said all the supportive things, well Caitlin did anyhow. Joey nagged at me about calling him and if I didn't feel right and medication and did I have all my stuff. It was almost like he thought mentally ill meant retarded. I was being hard on him, I knew. I just wished he'd back off about this whole thing just once, and treat me like I was normal, like he used to treat me.
In the cab on the way to the airport I started to have doubts about Ashley really being that thrilled about me just showing up in England after her, following her like some little puppy. But I shook that thought away. Of course she would be happy about it, she loved me, we loved each other. It would all be fine.
The plane took off, and I thought of plane crashes and terrorists just to think of something other than Ash being super pissed about this idea, but it was too late now. Halfway across the Atlantic, the ocean that smooth blue beneath the plane, it was too late now.