Tales From The Kiddie Table

by TheBucketWoman

Kiddie Table he muttered. I'm less than a month away from turning eighteen and I'm going to be at the kiddie table. Extremely fluffy Dasey and Lizwin Christmas oneshot.

Tales From The Kiddie Table

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Shall we talk about all the things I don't own? Like LWD and several Christmas related movies and music that I referenced and quoted from (A Christmas Carol, etc.). And Robin Hood: Men in Tights. I don't own Starbucks or the Holiday Inn either.

December 23rd

Despite having been a couple for several months, or perhaps because of it, Derek and Casey could not stop themselves from turning the silliest things into a competition. Christmas shopping was no exception.

Casey announced that she was handling the shopping for the both of them. Even though this should've been perfect, Derek was feeling flush for the first time in his life and large chunks of several paychecks burned a hole in his pocket. Casey was not going to take the pleasure of blowing his money away from him.

"Nope, uh-uh," Derek said. "We'll find your bones still at the mall around Valentine's Day because you couldn't make a decision if your life depended on it. You'll stand there, one crappy soap set in each hand and just not be able to choose between the pink one or the green one. Then you'll call Emily and she'll say 'pick the green' and you'll say 'but I like the pink' and she'll hang up on you, then you'll call Lizzie..."

"I do not buy crappy soap sets for people," Casey said.

"You did for me a couple years back," he said, referring to the first Christmas after their parents got married.

"That was a hint," Casey said. "You gave me a free calendar from the Chinese take-out place."

"What," Derek said. "It was cool! Very Zen." She hit him with a pillow. "And I was broke as a joke," he admitted.

"But I still think that I should do the shopping," Casey said.

"Why's that?" Derek asked.

"Because you are a male, and as such you lack the taste gene," she said.

"Says you," he said. "I bet I can get such better stuff than you can and in half the time."

"Is that a challenge?" she asked.

"Maybe," he said.

They shook on it, and to Casey's never ending annoyance, Derek took an hour and a half to finish his shopping, and he went to find Casey stuck on line long after he finished.

"And just because I am a good boyfriend," he said, "Gimme." He took the bags from the previous three stores from her and waited in line with her.

"What'd you get?" Casey asked.

"Not telling till we get home and you wrap it all," Derek said.

"Me!" Casey said.

"Yeah," Derek said. "If I did it, you'd just re-do it all anyway. Like you did for Ed's birthday."

"Your edges were all ragged and the patterns didn't match," Casey said. "It's not my fault you have no eye for detail."

"Should I make you hold your own bags?" Derek asked.

"You're still helping," Casey said. "I'll let you curl the ribbons." She said that like it was some kind of treat.

"Who am I, Marti?" he asked. "And you owe me Starbucks, 'cause I won the bet."

After they got home, and in Casey's case, properly hid Derek's present, (he bought hers weeks ago) they were met with total chaos. It wasn't even noon.

"Oh crap," Derek said at the spectacle of cleaning that was going on.

"Yeah," Casey said. "Cleaning always does sort of make you nervous doesn't it?"

"It does when it's on this level," Derek said. "It can only mean one thing."

"Derek!" Nora said. "Finally! Go help Edwin dig the big folding table out of the garage. Edwin! Derek's back! And Casey, do you think you can make a grocery run?"

"Folding table?" Derek asked.

"'Fraid so," Nora said. "Your uncle Dave and aunt Marie are coming. And your cousins."

"Hence the kiddie table," Edwin said at the top of the stairs. "God only knows what we're gonna find under that thing. Bet there'll be spiders. And mice." He shuddered.

"Yep, that's gonna get me eager to help," Derek said. "Kiddie table," he muttered. "I'm less than a month away from turning eighteen and I'm going to be at the kiddie table."

"Dunno what you're complaining about," Nora said. "I'm gonna be at a table with Dave!"

"You win," Derek said.

"Which one's he?" Casey asked.

"The accountant," Derek said. "From Winnipeg?"

"The one Aunt Madge usually stays with?" Casey asked.

"Oh yeah," Nora said. "He's bringing her."

Something horrible occurred to Casey.

"Mom?" she asked. "Where are they going to be staying?"

"Well," Nora said, biting her lip. "We thought that you, Lizzie and Marti could stay in Edwin's room and Edwin and Derek can stay in the living room."

"Oh, God, Mom!" Casey said.

"I'm kidding!" Nora said. "They're at the Holiday Inn!"

Casey pretended to faint onto the couch. When she noticed that nobody made a move to check on her, she opened one eye and looked up at her mother. "You know, George has been a really bad influence on you!"

"Yeah," Nora said. "Maybe a little. But it was fun. Anyway, I need you to go to the store, like, now, okay? Take Lizzie and Marti. Poor Lizzie's been scrubbing the bathroom."

"Yeesh," Derek said. "Sure she's still alive?"

"One way to find out," Nora said. "LIZ! WANNA GET OUT OF THE HOUSE?"

They heard trampling from above.

"You have no idea," Lizzie said.

"We're only going to the Buy and Bag," Casey said.

"Don't care," Lizzie said.

"Are you throwing Lizzie out?" Marti said.

"Nah," Lizzie said. "Going to the store. Wanna come?"

"'Kay," Marti said.

"Looks like I got the better job," Casey said.

"Yeah?" Derek asked. "You wait,"

"For what?"

"You'll see," Derek said.

Nora handed Casey the list and her ATM card and she ran off without looking at either. Until she got to the store.

"What the hell is anginetti?" she asked Lizzie, who shrugged.

"Maybe it's pasta?" Lizzie said.

"And what is all this seafood?" Casey said. "Cod, squid, mussels, shrimp, scallops, clams, octopus? At the same time? That can't be right."

"No wonder Derek was laughing at us," Lizzie said.

Marti alone was unconcerned. "I'll go get the stuff for the Rice Krispies Treats."

Poor Lizzie. After more than an hour and two shopping carts full of running around, she, Casey and Marti stood in line and there was nowhere to look but at the endless pile of meat and sausage that weighed down one of the carts. The poor pitiful pigs! The cows! She drew the line at lamb and veal, though, and so had Casey. Nora hadn't needed too much convincing over the phone.

"We'll tell George they were out of it," Nora said. "Be glad I talked him out of the lobsters. Imagine both Lizzie and Marti at a lobster tank. Did you get the dried sausage and stuff?"

"Yeah," Casey said. "They made fun of me at the deli department because I couldn't pronounce any of it."

"Me neither," Nora said. "That's why you're doing this and not me!"

"Thanks, Mom," Casey said.

"Where are you now?" Nora asked.

"Checkout line," Casey said. "So I figure that should only be another three hours or so."

"Don't be so negative," Nora said.

"Not negative," Casey said. "Realistic. And at least they have bathrooms in this store, otherwise we would've died by now."

Meanwhile, back at the house, Derek and Edwin, cobwebs in their hair, stood in the driveway, trying to wipe the damn folding table down without freezing themselves to it.

"Why are we doing this again?" Derek asked.

"Hell if I know," Edwin said. "Something about big family dinners back in the stone age when Dad was a kid and we're all getting too old and he can't stand us all taking off for another Christmas, blah blah blah. I cannot feel my fingers."

"Well," Derek said. "I'd say this is good enough for now." They wiped the table down to dry it and carried it in, folding it up against a wall in the laundry room.

Then they tried to settle down on the couch for a minute and thought the world was coming to an end.

"OFF THAT COUCH!" Nora yelled.

"What's the matter?" Derek said, once his heart started beating again.

"I just spent an hour of my life steaming that thing to at least the point where it won't kill anybody who hasn't built up an immunity to it," she said. "No one, and I mean no one, will be sitting on that couch until company comes. Or at least until you take a shower, Pig Pens."

"See?" Derek said. "None of this happens on Derekus."

Edwin shuddered at the memory of the near total disaster of the year before. "That never happened," Edwin said.

"No?" Derek said.

"No," Edwin agreed. "None of it."

"That your story and you're sticking to it?" Derek said.

"Better believe it," Edwin said. "Dibs on the shower." He ran before Derek had a chance to process what he said.

A little later on, both had a good laugh at the sound of Nora chasing Casey, and Lizzie off the couch. Marti went upstairs to avoid the craziness.

"Nora needs a nap," she said, sprawling across Derek's bed.

"Or a time out," Derek said. Marti giggled.

"Wait till Daddy gets home with the tree," Marti said.

"I think I need a nap," Derek said, sprawling beside her.

"Me too," Casey said, coming in. "Scooch over."

"Don't you have your own bed?" Derek said.

"What's your point?" Casey asked. Derek rolled his eyes and moved over, making space for her. She wiggled in between Derek and Marti and Derek put his arm around her. She was asleep before he knew what was going on.

Marti giggled. Derek pretended to snore and the both of them tried their damnedest to laugh quietly but even the shaking of the bed did not wake Casey up. Only the promise of the takeout Tikka Masala George brought home when he finally got back got her to move.

In addition to the Indian takeout, George had brought home a live tree. Lizzie, to her credit, didn't comment but everyone knew what she was thinking.

"Lizzie," George said. "The only artificial trees that didn't get caught up in the recall were hot pink and aluminum. And I couldn't find any of the kind that we could replant either. I promise to go looking for fake trees earlier next year, okay?"

"Okay," she said. "And we can go plant some next summer like I wanted to anyway, right?"

George knew when he was trapped. "Right, Liz," he said. Now if he could just stop Marti from giving the tree a name, he'd be okay.

The trimming of the tree was a rushed affair because even Casey was too tired to care by this point. She'd just rearrange the ornaments later if they bugged her too much. On the forbidden couch (Nora finally gave up) she leaned on Derek. If he didn't like it, she figured, then he shouldn't be so comfy. Edwin had his head in Lizzie's lap for the same reason. Derek who was semi-conscious, awoke with a jerk when the first flash went off.

"Noraaa," he said.

"What?" she asked. "Never too soon to think about next year's card."

December 24th

The next morning Derek learned one of life's undeniable truths: Never use your girlfriend's soap. The woman somehow thought that it was a good idea to use bath products with peppermint oil in them. He shivered all the way back to his room, complaining the whole time. Casey, who had been next in the shower, took one whiff of the steam that still hung in the room and had herself a good laugh.

"Hey Minty," she said on her way back from the shower.

"Glad you think that was funny," Derek said. "You could've warned me."

"You could've used your head," Casey said. "It's peppermint. What'd you expect to happen? But are you warm now?"

"Yeah, more or less," he said. Then he realized that that was the wrong answer.

"Hmmm," Casey said. "Too bad. I was gonna see what I could do to warm you up."

"Um," he said. "Brrr?"

She rolled her eyes and stepped into his room, still in her towel. She kicked his door shut on the way in.

"Ooh," Derek said. "Really?"

"Huh?" Casey said. "No! We don't have time for any of that, but we do have time for a little of this."

She kissed him quickly and pulled away but then gave in pretty easily when he pulled her back and kissed her some more. She stopped to readjust her towel, then had an idea.

"Early Christmas Present?" she said both hands on the towel, and evil grin on her face.

"Thought you said we didn't have time," Derek said, his own evil grin spreading.

"We don't have time for that," Casey agreed, shaking a lock of wet hair out of her eyes. "And there are too many people running around. But we do have time for this." She opened the towel up, flashing him, then turning around and going straight to her room, blushing furiously.

"Merry Christmas to me," Derek said to himself. He needed to lie down for a minute. He felt like he could build his own personal Canadian Taj Mahal in her honor, but he'd never top a gift like that.

When he felt like he could walk again, he opened his door and was hit with the scent of garlic frying. The 'rents were wasting no time.

"There you are," Marti said from the stairs.

"Here I am," he agreed.

"Nora needs help," Marti said.

"Uh-huh," Derek said. "But I'm not a shrink, so what's that got to do with me?"

"Sme-rek," Marti said.

"Smar-ti," Derek said.

"Nora says you don't help, you don't eat," Marti said.

Derek clutched his chest and fell to his knees. "I don't eat?"

"Nope," Marti said, starting to giggle.

"But I haven't eaten in, like, I dunno," Derek said. "So long ago I don't remember! I'm a growing boy, you know."

"Then you gotta help," Marti said.

"Guess I do," Derek said. He followed her downstairs.

"See Edwin?" Marti said. "Told you he didn't need a carrot on a string!"

"Smarti," Edwin muttered, shaking his head.

"You, I'll dispose of later," Derek said passing him on the way to the kitchen. "I heard a rumor about food I can steal."

Edwin was pointedly trying to avoid any kind of Christmas programming even though it seemed like the family had all the major holiday DVDs. He himself had felt holiday'ed out around December 15th so the less Christmassy schmaltz the better.

He popped Robin Hood: Men in Tights into the DVD player for background noise as he, Casey, and Lizzie moved the furniture and set up the kiddie table.

"There's a marathon of A Christmas Story on," Casey said when they were done. She perched on the arm of the couch.

"That's nice," Edwin said.

"Don't you wanna put it on?" Casey said.

"That would be a no," Edwin said.

"Where's your Christmas spirit, Ed?" Casey teased.

"Still in the mail," Edwin said. "Ordered it too late. It'll show up around the 27th or something."

"I think you were supposed to say some version of 'Bah humbug,'" Lizzie said.

"Well that wouldn't be very original, would it?" Edwin asked, grinning.

Lizzie shook her head. "Boy, you're hopeless," she said, putting an arm around his waist. "'It'll show up around the 27th' I will manage to squeeze some Christmas spirit out of you."

"What would I do without you?" Edwin asked.

Just then, Derek, who'd obviously been eavesdropping, quoted "'Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?'"

"Hey!" Edwin said. "Ignorance! Where'd you leave Want?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked. He was making a valiant effort to keep a straight face. "She's right there stealing a handful of M&Ms."

"De-rek!" Casey said. She tried to smack him with her free hand.

"What?" Derek asked, dodging her. "It was Edwin's joke and I came off way worse in it!"

"I know," Casey said. "I'm just shocked to bits that you read A Christmas Carol!"

"Read? ME?" Derek asked. "I saw the movie!"

"Which one?" Edwin asked.

"All of em," Derek said. "In the past week. Did you know there was a Muppet one?"

"Yeah," Edwin said. "That's really the only one I liked."

"Does that mean we can put that one on?" Lizzie said, giving him the biggest saddest eyes she could manage. Casey joined in with a pair of her own for good measure.

"Just give up, Ed," Derek said, wiggling in between Edwin and Lizzie.

"Dude!" Edwin said, shoving him. "You reek!"

"Dad just made me chop a bunch of garlic," Derek said. "But this is a time for love, isn't it Ed?" He tried to pinch Edwin's cheeks with his garlicky hands.

"Seriously, dude, that is disgusting," Edwin said.

"Just getting you ready for Aunt Madge," Derek said. "And be happy I washed my hands a couple times." Edwin rolled his eyes and turned his head away. There was such a temptation for Derek to stick his garlicky hands into Edwin's hair, but that would just be mean. He hovered his hands above Edwin's head.

"Don't do it," Lizzie warned.

"Don't do what?" Derek said, taking his hands away quickly. Edwin turned back toward him just in time to see what he was up to.

"You know what," Lizzie said. "I can flip you. Just don't forget that."

"My hero," Edwin said catching Lizzie's eye. He figured out how to get rid of Derek for a few minutes. He battted his eyelashes at Lizzie. She caught on.

"I wuv you Edwin," Lizzie said, reaching across Derek to get to Edwin, her lips puckered exaggeratedly.

"Not gonna work," Derek said.

"I wuv you too Wizzie," Edwin said. He managed to partially squeeze himself behind Derek to get closer to Lizzie. Casey watched, fascinated at how far he was getting, and how well Derek was holding out on the both of them.

Edwin made exaggerated smooching noises a few inches behind Derek's head.

"Gaww!" Derek finally said, jumping up from the couch in disgust. He headed back to the kitchen to try to wash his hands some more.

"You rock," Edwin said.

"I know," Lizzie said. She grabbed hold of his head and pulled him closer until their lips met.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Derek was met with the sight of his father and stepmother making out beside several pans of cookies about to go into the oven.

"Aw, come on!" he said. "Is nowhere safe?"

"Nope," George said.

"Ew," Derek said. "How can you stand it, Smarti?" Marti looked up from her spot at the table where she was greasing another cookie sheet.

"Stand what?" she asked. She loved to fake out her brother. The truth was, she loved that her Dad made out with Nora so much. That's what you were supposed to do when you were in love, and even though Derek made such a fuss about it, he'd hate it if they didn't.

"Stand what?" he said coming closer, threatening to tickle.

"I have greasy fingers," Marti said, threatening him back.

"I have garlicky fingers," Derek said. "I win."

Marti squealed, dropping the piece of paper towel she'd been using to spread the grease and ran out to the living room.

"You guys," George said, poking his head out. "Don't kill each other, at least until after Boxing Day, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy," Marti said. She was in kind of an awkward position, with Derek holding her on one hip. She was having a hard time keeping her greasy hands off of his T shirt.

"It might be a good time to go change," George said. "People should start getting here soon."

Edwin reluctantly turned off the DVD and he and Lizzie untangled themselves. Casey grabbed a last handful of M&Ms and followed Derek and Marti's lead upstairs. Edwin and Lizzie brought up the rear.

Casey took the chopstick that had been holding her bun up out of her hair, then ran her hands through the loose waves she was left with. She carefully put on some makeup and a little bit of sparkly stuff, then perfume. Then she stepped into the dress her mother had gotten her. It was wine colored, sleeveless and cut lower than Casey thought her mother would be comfortable with, but here she was, trying to zip it up. She struggled with it for a minute and had just managed to do it when Derek knocked on her door. As always, his timing sucked.

"You decent?" he asked as he opened the door a crack and squeezed in.

"Very much so," she said.

"Aww," Derek said. "I wanted to zip you. Or unzip you if I'm being honest." He moved her hair out of the way and kissed her neck lightly. "You smell like cake. Do you ever notice that you always smell like food?"

"Can I help it if I know the way to your heart?" Casey said. He moaned against her neck.

"Okay, Puppy," she said. "We need to quit it. The house will be swarming with relatives any minute. I can only imagine what your Uncle Dave and Aunt Marie would think of me standing there with a big hickie. Think they'd approve? Then there's Aunt Madge."

"Aunt Madge would just want details," Derek said. "Why do you care what any of the fam thinks? We see them once a year."

"Your Uncle Dave doesn't like me," Casey said.

"Why do you say that?" Derek said.

"Hard to explain," Casey said. "I feel his eagle eye on me like he knows that my numbers won't add up."

"Because you're a few entries short of a balance sheet?" Derek said, laughing. "I love it! And if he looks at anyone like that, it's me. You? Have nothing to worry about. And I really like this dress, by the way. Can you take it off?"

"I don't wanna go downstairs!" Casey whined. "Do we have to?"

"Marti or, if we're unlucky, Aunt Madge will come get us if we don't go downstairs," Derek said. "And you know, I'd give you a gift like the one you gave me this morning, but I doubt you'd have the same reaction to it, so..."

"So yeah," Casey said. "We'd better go." She went into her dresser and pulled out a cardigan that she wiggled into on her way downstairs.

When the doorbell rang, Derek was the first one there. He was met with the sight of his cousin Carla, two pastry boxes tied together dangling from her right hand.

"Merry Christmas," she said. "I come bearing pastry."

"Did I ever tell you you're my favorite cousin?" Derek said taking the boxes and bending over to hug her. She was only about 5'3". "So what's in here?"

"Assorted," she said. "So can I come in?"

"Yeah, whatever," Derek said, moving back a couple of inches without taking his eyes off the box.

"You're supposed to make sure we get in before you hand over the box, Carla," The Venturis' other cousin, Andy, said from halfway down the walk. "Have I taught you nothing?"

"Hey," Carla said. "At least he didn't close the door on us this time."

"You actually shut the door on them, Derek?" Casey said.

"I think I was six at the time," Derek said. They watched Andy take the steps two at a time until he got to the door and found himself face to face with Derek. He didn't look too happy about that.

"Boy, who said you could be my height?" Andy said. "You were supposed to be the runt."

"No that would be Edwin," Derek said.

"I heard that," Edwin said, as he got up from the couch.

"Deny it," Derek said.

Andy and Carla had just enough time to go down the line and hug and kiss everyone before Aunt Madge got to the door, her arms full of bags that she wouldn't trust anyone else with.

"Aunt Madge!" Nora said. "We could've had Derek or Edwin carry all of that!"

"Oh no, Dear," Madge said. "It's not heavy or anything. And these two klutzes would have messed up my bows." She gestured at Carla and Andy. "This box on top is a Panettone."

"Ooh," George said, taking it. "Is it the chocolate kind?"

"Is there any other?" Madge said.

"Where are Marie and Dave?" Nora asked.

"Parking," Madge said.

"It takes two of them to park?" Lizzie asked.

"For them it does, yes," Madge said, flapping a dismissive hand. "Meantime, let me get a look at all of you!"

"Oh, God," Edwin said, a split second before his cheeks were pinched.

"Can't help it, Dear," Madge said. "You're gorgeous. All of you. I must pinch." Then she got Lizzie, Marti, and Casey before any of them could do anything about it. Derek put up a pretense of a fight before giving in. It wasn't like she pinched hard. He'd heard stories about relatives who'd left bruises on his Dad and uncles when they were kids. Aunt Madge was a pussycat.

"Are you cold, Casey honey?" Madge said, noticing how Casey fiddled with the buttons of her cardigan.

"Hmm?" Casey said. "No, I'm okay."

"Then what's with the sweater?" Madge asked. "Let me see your dress!" Casey undid two buttons. "Keep going, sweetie," Madge said. Casey opened it all the way.

"Now look at the detail along the neckline," Madge said. "Why would you hide that? This is a pretty sweater, but maybe you should just keep it for when you really do feel cold? No need to be so shy. You're only young once."

Casey wiggled out of it and folded it across the arm of the couch.

"Isn't that better?" Madge said. Carla caught Casey's eye and laughed. Casey imagined that she'd been given that speech in her time, too.

Carla began to pull her hair into a ponytail, and although Madge's back was to her, she said.

"Hands outta your hair, Carla. It's perfect." She turned to Casey and Lizzie conspiratorially. "She usually straightens her hair. She's been straightening it for years, but look at all those curls! Like Botticelli! So I said why do it?"

I love Aunt Madge, Derek thought.

"How do you do that?" Carla asked.

"I know you like a book, sweetheart," Madge said. "I know most of you just as well, and it's only a matter of time before I get Casey and Lizzie down."

The doorbell rang ("Took them long enough," Madge said.) and Casey started to get up.

"I got it, Case," Edwin said.

Casey reached for the cardigan again, but Derek grabbed it before she could. He shook his head at her.

Edwin found that as hard as he tried, he could never prepare for the whirlwind that was Aunt Marie.

"You are just such a movie star," Marie said. "Look at your little face!" Then she enveloped him an a cloud of wool coat, fuzzy scarf and Chanel Number Five. He noted the first signs of oxygen deprivation before she let go of him. Before he could recover from that, he was pulled into a brusque one-handed hug from his Uncle Dave.

"Hey, Eddie, got a job yet?" he said. It seemed to be his standard greeting for Edwin.

"I'm independently wealthy," Edwin deadpanned, breaking Dave up.

Derek got "How're those grades holding up?"

"I'm passing," Derek said. "I sit next to some very smart people."

"That's not what I heard," Aunt Marie said. "I heard you were top ten in your class."

"Nasty unfounded rumor," Derek said. "Who told you that?"

"Your father shouted it from the rooftops," Dave said. "He practically took out an ad in the paper."

"He has a vivid imagination," Derek said.

"I hear Casey does really well, too," Marie said. "If I have it right, you're number four?"

"Five," Casey said, her face turning beet red.

"Yeah," Dave said. "No slouch, this one. Cute too."

He patted Lizzie on the head and asked her about school. She talked about the many clubs she was in and the sports she played, then discussed her ongoing efforts to make Thompson High a greener school. Then she asked him if he'd ever considered driving a hybrid car. The old man didn't know what to do with her.

"This must be Nora's influence," Dave said. "No one this smart came from our genes, right Georgie?" He winked at the other kids to show he was kidding.

"Speak for yourself," George said. He patted Dave on the shoulder.

"Of course," Dave said. "There are exceptions to the rule. Where's Marti? There ya are. How old are you now?"

"Eight," Marti said.

"And you're not married yet?" Dave asked. He bit down on one knuckle in horror. Even Marti rolled her eyes.

"I'm keeping my options open," Marti said.

"She is the brains of the operation, isn't she?" Andy whispered to Derek.

"Always was," Derek whispered back.

George went back into the kitchen and came out with two plates of veggies and cheese, dropping them onto the coffee table. Nora followed on his heels with napkins and toothpicks. This was when the party divided into two factions: The grownups (George, Nora, Dave, Marie) on one side, the kids and Aunt Madge on the other.

Aunt Madge asked more questions than even Marti did.

"I hear you two are doing your university applications, aren't you?" she asked. "Any idea what you might study?"

"Um..."Casey said. "Well..."

Madge waited patiently; she was in no hurry.

"I don't really know yet," Casey said, looking ashamed of herself.

"But you have to make your decision right now!" Carla said, pounding her leg for emphasis.

"What?" Casey asked.

"Not really," Carla said.

"You don't have to make that decision right away. Took me years," Andy said.

"Changed his major three times," Carla said.

"You changed yours, too," Andy said.

"Once," Carla said. She held up three fingers and pointed to him.

"What about you, Derek?" Andy asked.

"Yeah," Derek said. "No idea."

"You're gonna study Casey," Carla said. Derek didn't deny it.

"Yeah," Derek said. "But they might make me do a minor along with that."

"What might you look into?" Madge asked. "And tell the truth. I'll hit you with an M&M for every so called 'right answer' you give. You wanna study film, right? Maybe some art."

"Maybe," Derek said.

"Told you," Madge said. "I know everything. Now let me see if I can guess Casey. Casey wants to look into theater, and literature, and psychology."

Casey's eyes widened.

"Bullseye," Derek said, laughing. She'd obviously been talking to the 'rents. Casey would realize that when logic kicked in.

"And Edwin, when the time comes," Madge continued. "Should probably look into Creative Writing. Or maybe law if he feels like it. Music?"

"If you say so," Edwin said. But most of them knew that Aunt Madge hit the nail on the head again.

"What about Lizzie?" Edwin asked.

"Uh-oh," Lizzie said.

"Medicine?" Madge said, not missing a beat. "Marti of course will be Prime Minister."

"I wanna be Queen," Marti said.

"But Canada doesn't have it's own queen, Smarti," Edwin said.

"Well, we should," Marti said, grinning at him. Hard to argue with that.

The conversation continued over dinner. Andy, who'd been studying Romance Languages, was about to get his Masters Degree and Carla was trying to decide whether to get a Masters in Education. Both tried to lure Derek and Casey to their respective universities. Both also regaled Lizzie and Casey with Embarrassing Stories about Derek and Edwin from when they were little. Casey thought she'd heard it all, but she was unprepared for the image of Derek running around one Easter with his mother's bra on his head, the straps tied under his chin.

"I own you now," Casey said.

"Thought you already did?" Andy said.

"But I always welcome more blackmail material," Casey said.

Speaking of blackmail, Edwin offered to make copies of several incriminating videos that he'd made, including Derek's star turn as Pirate Pete.

"I'm gonna get you," Derek said.

"'You and what arrrrmy?'" Edwin quoted in perfect imitation of Derek. Derek in revenge, brought up the assembly at which Edwin and Lizzie had been made to rap.

"Hey!" Lizzie said. "What'd I do to you?"

"I can't help that you were involved in that," Derek said.

"Two words," Lizzie said. "'Howie' and 'Mavis.'"

Derek shook his head. He knew he had it coming.

When the inevitable question of who Howie and Mavis were came up, Lizzie said. "Mice who managed to get into the house."

"Did Derek freak?" Carla asked.

"You know it," Lizzie said.

Madge, who'd gone to the grown-up table for dinner, decided that she couldn't take any more and rejoined the kiddies.

"They're talking about investments...stock options...tell me you guys are talking about anything else," she said, clutching the end of the table in desperation. No less than three of them wracked their brains

trying to come up with impressive sounding investment jargon just to mess with her. Nobody could. Until inspiration hit Edwin.

"Well, Aunt Madge," he said. "Funny you should mention that because I have a few projects that are looking for investors. I invented a game for example that—"

Derek put a hand over Edwin's mouth.

"Not that game about gas, is it?" Madge asked. "While I think that it's a brilliant idea, I can't see it being too tax deductible. Mainly because I can't imagine myself putting it down on a tax form."

"That's what Casey's Dad said," Marti piped up.

"Vaffan Napoli!" Uncle Dave said from the other table, dissolving everyone except Nora into laughter.

"Is that dirty?" Marti asked, provoking more laughter.

"Not really, Smarti," Derek said. The few non food related Italian words he knew were of the sort that you couldn't repeat around Marti. This one, he knew was clean, however.

"Means 'Go to Naples,' Smarti," Andy said. "Italian is great for that type of thing. Anything you say, if you say it the right way, can sound really dirty."

"Really?" Marti said, really interested. Derek and Edwin looked at each other, afraid of where this was going. Derek in particular could picture Marti getting mad enough at Dimi to call him a big stupid scungili.

After dessert, Aunt Marie, who'd had precisely two glasses of wine, was feeling a little giggly, and as such, she felt like caroling.

"Who's with me?" she asked. No one took the bait.

"Come on! I know someone wants to," she said. "Edwin! Why don't you play a little piano?" Edwin really didn't have to be told twice. The hammy side of his personality kicked in and he tried a clumsy, but recognizable "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" though Marie had been expecting something a little more traditional. Derek went upstairs to get his video camera. He came down just in time to film his father hitting the kid with rolled up sheet music.

"Try another one, Ed," George said laughing.

Edwin tried again in all his off-key glory, singing "Christmas is All Around" from Love Actually before he was halted by widespread groaning.

Eventually, Casey was made to sing "O Holy Night." Derek got it all on film, including, to his dismay, all the crying. Edwin managed to play it just well enough so that he was really the only one who noticed his mistakes, though watching it back later, once again Derek could see the kid shaking his head whenever he messed up. He just couldn't stop doing that. Afterward, he couldn't resist dragging her into the kitchen, ostensibly to check on 'the thing.' He shut the pocket doors.

"The thing?" Casey asked. "What thing would that be?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Derek said, feigning innocence.

"So what did you want to—" Her question was cut off as he kissed her.

"Not that I don't love my family," Derek said, once they came up for air. "But when do you think they're leaving?"

"Who knows?" Casey said. "Marti's falling asleep already."

"I would've taken that as my hint to vamoose," Derek said. Casey laughed.

"I thought we were doing the Italian thing," Casey said.

"Okay," Derek said, thinking it over. "We should say 'Arrivaderci' and wish them a very nice trip to Naples, indeed."

Casey snorted laughter. This was all too good. Who needed a trip to New York? Although she did miss her Dad, she'd gotten to speak to him over the phone, before Derek called his Mom. But she'd probably get to see him over Spring Break, so it would work out okay.

George and Uncle Dave lingered maddeningly long over their fruit and nuts and it had taken multiple hints from Marie and the cousins to get him ready to go back to the hotel for the night. They'd be back early the next afternoon, so that they could start the eating once again and maybe fight over the remote.

December 25th

Around midnight, long after Derek had carried Marti to bed, the relatives took off.

"Say Hallelujah," Edwin said, not long after. "The dishes are done. Ever notice it's always me who does the dishes?" He'd decided to give Lizzie, only slightly more awake than Marti, the night off.

"Are ya listening, Santa?" George said to the ceiling. Edwin gave him the eyebrow.

"Anyway," George said. "Nora and I cooked. A lot. Endlessly in fact."

"And there will be more tomorrow," Nora said.

"And more dishes," George said. "Merry Christmas, kids." And with that, the 'rents made their own exit.

"I hear my bed calling me," Edwin said. He looked over at Lizzie, who'd crashed on the couch and decided against shaking her. He kissed the top of her head instead.

She looked up.

"Sorry," Edwin said. "Didn't wanna actually wake you up, but it's kinda safe to go to bed now."

"That's nice," Lizzie said, getting up. She followed him up.

Casey shut off the lights, leaving the tree lit for a couple of minutes and she and Derek stared at it for a while before Derek shut those off, too.

"Merry Christmas," Casey said. She followed him into his room and gave him his real present, one much more real than the leather messenger bag and the book on film making she got him. And one much more real than the necklace he'd gotten her.