Disclaimer; I do not own Supernatural, nor any of the characters, ideas, concepts, or other materials within.
...Soooo, guess who's going to Hell?
Seriously. I always give blasphemy warnings, but... You should probably just walk away now. Honestly. If there is a Heaven and Hell, this page is payment for my ticket downstairs. Fair warning.
(I know I should be working on We All Fall Down, but... I think when you read this you'll realize that my mood was not compatible with writing that. At all.)
The first thing that needs to be understood; God is a selfish bitch.
Honestly, Chuck is never sure why this surprises people. "The loving Lord, our Father" "Our Gracious Father, who art in Heaven" "Our Lord is merciful and just" "Our Father is always listening to our prayers - "
No. Seriously, He made the angels with the sole purpose of worshipping him. He made humans in His own image and demanded that they do the same. And when He gave them free will it included the tiny little fact that, oh, if you don't make THIS choice and don't bow before me I'll probably send you to Hell! Eat it, suckers!
So. Yeah. Selfish, just a little.
Chuck can acknowledge this. So what? He MADE these fuckers, His kids can deal with that one teensy rule. Seriously, is it that hard to pray and go to church? Really? He figures they deserve Hell for sheer laziness if they don't, hypocritical assholes. He makes a few exceptions, for hunters or really innocent people who WOULD have prayed if they'd had a chance, but, seriously.
He digresses. Anyway, point is, God is not perfect. He claims to be, but, well, selfish. Arrogant. Wants to be worshipped. Seriously, do you believe that guy who claims to never lie? Of course not! Common sense.
More importantly, God has regrets, and because He is not, in fact, entirely omnipotent, these regrets sort of stick.
One of His main regrets was magically putting certain portions of the future firmly in the Plan. It wasn't necessary, really, but He'd been bored (the early days of humanity sort of just involved a lot of people sweating and collecting food and dying) and the whole bible thing had seemed like a good idea at the time. Masquerading as His own Son had been a cool distraction, too, but you don't want to overdo things, you know?
Anyway, a guy has a lot of time to think over the millenia, and Chuck came to regret his hasty plan quick - especially the part involving Lucifer. His second-born really had been Chuck's best creation; the Fall was such a pity, and the eventual stand-off between Heaven and Hell even moreso, but what to do now? His pride had been hurt at the rebellion, and the book of Revelations had been cast in stone before anger could cool.
But while the magic of the Plan can't be destroyed, it can be... subverted. Just a little. If you're creative, and God, which, hey, He is! Mind you, that subversion is resulting in a lot of misery and death and destruction, but, the big picture, right? And He's totally keeping an eye on some of the major players, the Winchesters and loyal Castiel, and He occasionally nudges things in their favor. They and any friends totally have spots reserved in Heaven, okay? And Castiel He made basically immortal. Lay off. Not like He forced them onto this path. Entirely.
So now the Apocalypse is on the way to being averted, magic is satisfied - everything should be fine. Well, Heaven is mess, Castiel is semi-suicidal, and the Winchesters and a lot of demon-hosts are pretty damn depressed, but that's being worked on. Chuck's real concern is more related to his second major regret.
Mary.
God, women. Why hadn't He just made mankind gay, again? He could have made stork-babies real, or something. (Seriously, Chuck is sincerely jealous of the origin of that rumor; if only...) The 'Virgin Mary' (who was totally not a virgin and had cheated on John with Chuck, like, forty times before He mindwhammied people into believing the Jesus story) was currently living with Chuck. Again. His decision to make her immortal had been spur of the moment, really. She was a good lay occasionally (what? He had a human body, you know, a man's needs and all that) and he sort of felt guilty, at first, for nearly getting her killed for adultery. So, bam, immortality, and with a hand-wave everyone believed Chuck was the son of Mary and God, Hallelujah and Amen.
(That whole lie had, maybe, gotten a little more publicized than he'd intended. Maybe. Just a tad.)
He could, possibly, have given the situation a little more thought.
"Mary?"
"Yeah?" Mary rolled over to flash a too-wide smile (Chuck didn't see the Crazy in her until much later).
"Oh, blessed virgin!" At that, Mary let out a very unladylike snort, crudely poking between her legs as if to say, 'who, me?'. "Wilt thou not foreswear this mortal existence, and trek with me into the infinite vastness of time to witness my Ineffable Plan?"
Mary had eyed him. She stunk of moonshine, her hair greased and full of straw from the manger. After a minute she seemed to give up on trying to interpret His words, rolling her head drunkenly. "Sure, sounds pleasant." She stretched her toes into the dirt; a pig squealled on the other side of the room. "Wake me before John gets back, will you?"
Chuck beamed.
Ahem.
Anyway.
Mary, as it happened, had not taken well to immortality. Eventually Chuck had dropped her off at some pisspot 4th-century excuse for a restaurant, gone out to use the shitting-hole, and had never returned. But she always found her way back to him. If He were anyone else, He might have called it fate.
(If He were anyone else, He'd also be calling Fate a bitch. Often.)
Because, in that drunken moment, he'd made Mary a sort of goddess herself. He hadn't been drunk enough to name her Queen of Heaven (thank Himself for small mercies!) but she was immortal-immortal. Not the I-never-stop-aging immortal, not the my-skin-sloughs-off-but-I'm-still-on-earth-bitches immortal, and not even the pagan god it's-an-open-secret-that-you-can't-kill-me-except-by-specially-sanctified-maple-wood-conveniently-dipped-in-lemon-juice-and-virgin-piss immortal. Only Death himself could kill her, or the sheer might of the LORD your GOD (don't judge, he likes the capitals) and Chuck had never really found the heart.
But, well, that Fate bitch always intercedes, doesn't she? Maybe Chuck had given her too much power. Because, as always, Becky has found him. Again.
Somehow, he hadn't quite expected to see her at a Supernatural convention.
Next chapter will be longer; I wanted to post this before I convinced myself that no one needs to read this crack, ha. Sorry.