Sam had left me from my cousin Emily; it was like nothing
else in this world had meaning, the storm that was out here in the real world,
it was like it was interpreting my mood and feelings that were running around
inside me. Everything had lost colour and
I was no longer living my life, just merely existing in it. I remember
everything of when he had told me, do you know what it feels like? I thought we
were soul mates. He knew everything about me and said he loved me. Well I guess
that was a big lie huh? Sam had taken my
hands in his, and looked down on me with pain in his eyes I could see it. It
was like I could read his mind. We had always been able to do that, have our
own conversations with only a look or a raised eyebrow. Anyway looking down at
me he whispered "Lee Lee". I squeezed his hands gently "what is it babe? You
know you can tell me anything" I said, I would have said and done anything for
him. He closed his eyes and took a breath letting go of my hands "I .. I can't
be with you" he said. I was shocked, I didn't know where to turn or even what
to say, the silent tears rolled down my cheeks I couldn't even bring myself to
wipe them away. My whole world felt like it had stopped, like somehow it
started to spin in the wrong direction. This isn't how it was supposed to be,
it wasn't even close to how it was ment to be. Sam and I were ment to have
moved away together, he was going to a collage close to La Push, where we could
stay together, and then when I graduated we were going to move away. We had our
whole life planned out together, with those simple words 'I can't be with you'
it all come shattering down around me. Sam reached his hand towards me to wipe
my tears, but I stepped back. I closed my eyes tightly in hopes that this was a
bad dream, but when I opened then again he was still standing there, as his
hand was back down by his side. He tried to step towards me again, this time
more to give me a hug, I put my hand on his chest and held him back "Sam …
don't" I didn't even recognise my own voice. It felt like I had something stuck
in my throat. I swallowed hard forcing
myself to talk around it "you .. " the words got stuck there was nothing that I
could have said. The tears rolling down my cheeks faster I went to walk away,
but just as I turned he grabbed my arm "lee lee stop" he said, I could hear the
pain in his voice. He didn't want to say this anymore then I wanted to hear it.
"I don't want to hurt you" he said. I looked at him then down at his hand that
was still wrapped around my upper arm "then you shouldn't have just shattered
my world" I said as I pulled my arm free of his grip. I couldn't hide the pain that I was feeling,
but I also couldn't stand to be any closer to him then I needed to. He had just
broken and shattered my heart. I closed my eyes taking a breath trying to calm
down it was no use, there was one thing that helped clear my head and that was
run. So that's what I did, I ran. I ran from him, from everything. Nothing would
ever be the same. I ran to the only place I felt safe, to where I knew nobody
would be that was First Beach in La Push.
Sitting there on the far end of the beach, all I could think
was 'it's just me now'. I don't know how
long I sat there for but it was doing me no good. I had to move, if I moved
maybe I could run from the pain. I know how foolish that sounds, 'running from
the pain'. I know what you are all thinking, it doesn't work, and you can't run
from it, you need to face it. But I couldn't then maybe not ever. But right now
I wasn't strong enough; Im 16 for crying out loud. What do you expect? I stood
there and looked out over the water, I could see the storm coming straight for
me, I relished the thought that maybe this storm would wash me away. Take me
with it, away from everything. As I started to run, could feel the storm
getting closer, it started to sprinkle. I
wanted to see it and the best way to see that was to see it from the cliffs. It
was the most amazing view from up there, you could see out to the sea for
miles. So that is where I ran, to the cliffs. The images of Sam and my Cousin
played in my mind as I ran. 'How could they?' I was about half way up the beach
when I started to find it hard to breath, I was crying again. I eventually made
it to the cliff top just as the skies opened up and the storm came in hard and
fast. I could feel it against my skin; I was standing there soaked through. I
lifted my face to the sky and screamed. Not your average run of the mill girly
scream, oh no it was much more than that. It was a toe curling, blood curdling
scream that could be heard from all over La Push. I fell to the ground as the
image of what Sam had just done played through my mind. I was no long me; I was
no longer 'Lee Lee'. I was now as I will always be Leah Clearwaters, a single
solitary person alone in this big world that seemed a lot scarier now that Sam
had gone.
I don't know how long it had been that I had stayed up on
that cliff top. The storm had all but passed when I decided that it was time to
go home. I picked myself up and started to walk home. I didn't know what to say
to mom or dad I couldn't even think of what to tell anyone. I was numb I don't
know if that is because I was soaked or if was my way of dealing with what had
happen with Sam. I walked into the house soaked and dripping wet, I was greeted
at the door by my father. I loved my father, he was my world. He was the best
man that ever walked this planet and I was so proud that he was my father. He
was always there when I needed him, we were close I was always a daddy's girl.
Daddy's little princess he called me, for as long as I could remember he called
me his little princess. As I walked in dad called "hey there …." His thoughts
and words were cut short when he looked over the couch and saw me. He was up in
a heartbeat and over to me, his arms were around me before I could do or say
anything. I was soaked but he didn't care, he didn't even ask what was wrong. I
guess he didn't have too, my face said it all. When he put his arms around me,
it was like I could finally let it out. I started crying harder, I let
everything out I held nothing in it all came out in tears and sobs. He held me
there gently stroking my hair and rubbing my back "shh princess, it will be ok"
he said over and over again. I couldn't say anything back. What was there to
say, my entire world had be ripped apart with a few little words 'I can't be
with you'. I felt my knees go out from
underneath me, I fell to the floor dad came with me, he never let me go not
even for a second "daddy is here princess, it will be ok" he rocked me gently,
like he used to do when I was younger and upset. I nodded softly, and I slowly
started to calm down. I was slowly able to breath properly again. I pulled back
from him slightly, and he gave me that comforting father smile "come on
princess, it's time to get out of these wet clothes". He stood slowly pulling
me with him; I was still crying but nowhere near as bad as I was when I felt my
father's arms around me when I walked through the door.
Dad took me into the bathroom and turned on the shower, he
left me then. I stepped into the shower
fully clothed; I didn't have the strength or the will to even undress. I sat in
the bottom of the shower, my knees pulled up to my chest. The water was running
down my face, I could no longer distinguish between the water and my tears. I
don't know how long I had sat there but there came a knock on the door. It was
Seth, my little brother. He bashed the door a few more times "Leah! Come on
don't use all the hot water again" I heard him call, I couldn't say anything
back I didn't trust my own voice. I managed to reach up and turn the water off,
but still I sat in the bottom of the shower. I heard my mother and father
talking in hushed tones in the kitchen. That's the thing about small houses
with thin walls there are no secretes you can hear everything, even the things
you would rather forget. Mom called up the hall way "Seth leave your sister
alone" I could hear in her voice that dad had told her what had happen, that I
had come home a mess and hadn't said a word. There was another knock on the door,
this time my mother's voice came through "sweetie, its mom. Can you open the
door please" I closed my eyes and stood slowly, I was soaked but at least I was
warm. I got out of the shower slowly and reached towards the door unlocking it.
Mom came in and took one look at me, I was fully clothes and soaked she came in
closing the door behind her. I could see the worry in her eyes and the frown on
her face; it was deep enough to form a crease between her eyebrows. She picked
up a towel and wrapped it around my shoulder's sitting me on the edge of the
bathtub. She put her arm around her and rubbed the top of my arm, I was crying
again. The silent tears fell, I was shaking a little "shh now sweetie" she said
in a small voice, "come on let's get you out of these clothes and into some dry
ones" I nodded slightly as I stood and started taking my wet clothes off, it
was a slow process I didn't have the strength to move and I really didn't care.
Why should I? Sam had left me there was nothing left for me. Once I was wrapped in a towel I made my way
to my room, I sat on the edge of the bed, and looked around. My room was full
of pictures of Sam and me together. In those photos we looked so happy, like
nothing would ever come between us. But something had, my cousin had come
between us.
I lay on my bed still wrapped in my towel, the tears had
stopped. I guess I had run out of them.
I lay there in silence my eyes closed. I hear someone come into my room,
but I couldn't talk or even bring myself to say what had happen out loud. The
words 'I can't be with you' playing in my mind. I could smell my father's
cologne, he came and sat on my bed it shifted a little as he sat down. He
placed his hand on my shoulder and rubbed my upper arm as mom had done in the
bathroom. I opened my eyes a little and looked up at him, I met his eyes
"princess, what happen?" there was the question I had been dreading since I
walked inside. I couldn't hide it any longer, but I couldn't bring myself to
say it out loud, if I did it would mean that it was true, that I had lost Sam
for good. I shook my head and closed my eyes "I can't.." I whispered, my voice
coming out crackly. He looked down at me "princess, come on. You said you can
tell me anything" I had said that, my dad was my best friend. I told him
everything; I couldn't hide things from him. It only took him to look at me to
be able to tell when I was lying and when I was being honest. I opened my eyes
and looked up at him, "Sam … we … not together" that was all that I could say.
What else was there to say really? My reason for living had left me it had been
me and Sam for so long. He was the one person I could always count on no matter
what, and now he was gone. My father's arms went around me he pulled me into
his lap and started rocking back and forth gently, rubbing my back and kisses
my hair. He didn't say anything he just held me I guess he came to the same
conclusion I had. There was nothing to say, nothing that could be said.
I don't know how long Dad had sat there with me in his arms,
but I eventually fell asleep. The image of Sam never left me, not even when I
was asleep. In fact it got worse, it played over and over. There we stood, hand
in hand the words ringing in my ears 'I can't be with you'. No matter what I
tried to change, he still walked away. My dreams started to swirl, I was
sitting on the beach in the arms of Sam, we were happy. It was like I was
hovering over watching Sam and I below, everything was unfolding like a fairy
tale. We were laughing and talking, wrapped in each other's arms watching as
the sun set. I caught myself getting wrapped in the moment, in the memories. I
turned around; I didn't want to see I didn't want to remember how happy we were
back then. It hurt too much never again
did I ever want to see his face. Not in my dreams not ever. I felt it all start
spinning again, I wanted to wake up but I couldn't. Something was holding me in
the dreams like there was something I needed to see. No matter what I tried nothing
stopped the next image from settling in front of me. The first day we met,
everything every detail it played out.
It was my first day at school, and I was late. I had taken a
short cut through the forest; one I had taken a hundred times before. There was
a boy walking through the forest, he caught my eye and I slowed my pace. I
couldn't take my eyes from him. He was tall with the same long black hair that
most of the boys around La Push shared. I couldn't stop the smile that appeared
on my face as he turned and smiled at me. We both started to run again matching
step for step, I don't know what drove me to do what I did next but I picked up
the pace. The smile growing a little
more as I pulled ahead of him, we both got on the school grounds as the final
bell rang. I looked over but he had gone, I frowned a little as went into my
home room and met up with my friends. The first half of the day went slow. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Who was
he? Why hadn't I seen him before now? Has he always lived in La Push? By the time Lunch came around he was all I
could think about. The way he looked when he smiled, the way he ran the way his
hair bounced off his back as he jumped over the roots of the trees. As I sat
with my friends I looked around hoping that I could see him, and finally find
out his name. There he was, the stranger
from this morning, the smile once again coming back to my face, my eyes lit up.
It was him, it was really him. I looked back at my friends but they failed to notice,
I looked back over at him. He was looking right at me I smiled and lifted my
hand waving ever so slightly. His smile turned to a grin as he nodded motioning
for me to go to him. I looked at my friends leaning in slightly "I will be
right back" I smiled, stood up and walked towards him.
The same smile that had appeared when I had seen him this
morning came once again to settle upon my face. Once I had reached him I
stopped, he smiled lazily "hey" he said. I looked up at him, he was so much
taller then I remember. The smile growing just a little more hearing his voice,
it was deep and commanding "hey" I said barely above a whisper. This was what I
had been after all day, but now it was here I was nervous. His smile kept
catching my eye, there was something about it, someone mesmerising. He looked
into my eyes and leaned in ever so lightly "I'm Sam" he said in his deep voice.
I looked up at him, "I'm Leah" he nodded once and smiled, "well it is nice to
finally know the name of someone who can beat me in a race" he laughed. I
laughed softly looking up at him "It is nice to know the name of the one who
was so easily beaten" I said jokingly making him laugh. His laughter ringing in my ears; it was the
best thing that I had ever heard. I couldn't help but laugh with him. His laugh
was infectious, as was his smile. The final bell rang and he looked at me "meet
me here after school" I smile and nodded "Il see you then" he nodded once and
then was gone. The rest of the day was once again passing in a blur. Sam, I
said over and over against to myself, that was his name. The name of the boy
who was so mysterious, the boy who without even trying had me hooked.
I sat in my final class, the bell rang and I was up and out
the door. I didn't even stop to say goodbye to my friends. I stopped by my
locker and put my books back in, only getting the ones I had homework for, and
went out to meet him. I walked out towards the back of the school, there he
was. Sam, standing there looking as cute as he ever has, his shirt was
unbuttoned, his school bag over his shoulder. Walking over to him the same nervousness
starts to take me over. He walked towards me just as he went to say hello,
everything around me started to swirl again. I was a little sad to see this
end, this was the happiest day I ever remember happening and once again it was
over. The words 'I can't be with you' rang in my ears.
I could feel my body again, that was when I knew
that I was waking up, it was the end of the dreams and the memories. Opening my
eyes slowly I looked around, everything was the same, the photos were still
hanging in my room, and the pain in my chest was still there. I knew it wasn't a
dream what had caused all this was real. Sam had left me, and he had left me
for my cousin. I sat up slowly, my
pillow soaked in tears, I wiped my eyes and my cheeks, they were still warm, and
my eyes were stinging. I could still hear the words 'I can't be with you' it
was like they were burned into my brain, into my ears. Would this feeling ever
leave me? Would my life ever go back to how it was before all this? I sat on
the edge of my bed, still wrapped in only my towel and shook my head. I was never
going to be the same again. Sam had changed me, I was no longer me I was a
shell of a person. Maybe one day I will be whole again but there will always be
the scar in my heart that part that had belong to him to completely. He had
taken that with him when he had left. From the second I saw him I knew he would
be the person who changed my life so completely, I just never thought that it
would end this way, or even at all. But now that it had happen I had to find
the strength to move on to live with the part of my heart that was missing, and
find the peace in the chaos that was now my heart , mind, soul and my life