ANYWAY. CAPS LOCK. IT'S CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.
Quote:
PRESENTING: UNCHARTED 2 1/2: THE ORIGINS OF BULLSHIT
THE SCENE BEGINS IN MISTRESS MARLOWE'S BDSM DUNGEON. THERE ARE MEN, AND PERHAPS A FEW WOMEN, IN VERY SKIMPY CLOTHING, AND AT LEAST FOUR MEN NAKED WITH A MASK ON. MISTRESS MARLOWE, DECKED OUT IN FETISH GEAR WITH A WHIP IN ONE HAND AND A RIDING CROP IN THE OTHER, SITS UPON HER THRONE OF HUMAN BEINGS, RESTING HER HIGH HEELS ON THE SPECIAL PARTS OF AN UNFORTUNATE MALE SLAVE.
"IT IS NOT ENOUGH." THE MISTRESS SAID IN DISGUST. "I MUST HAVE THE ENTIRE POPULATION WORSHIPING ME!" SHE WHIPPED ONE OF THE ASS OF ONE OF THE MALE SLAVES STANDING NEXT TO HER AS SHE SAID THIS, CAUSING HIM TO CRY OUT.
"YES! THAT IS WHAT I SHALL DO! I SHALL FORCE THE ENTIRE WORLD TO WORSHIP ME, AND I SHALL BE KNOWN WORLDWIDE AS A GODDESS!" SHE LAUGHED, HER MIND MADE UP ON EXECUTING THIS EVIL PLOT. "BRING IN THE GIMP!" THE MISTRESS ORDERED TWO FEMALE SLAVES. THE GIMP WAS THE MISTRESS'S PERSONAL FAVORITE BOYTOY AND OFTEN WENT ON DANGEROUS MISSIONS FOR HER. WELL THEY WERE ALL THE MISTRESS'S SLAVES I MEAN. BUT THE GIMP'S SOLE PURPOSE FOR EXISTING IS TO SERVICE THE MISTRESS, AS HE BASICALLY HAS NO STORY SIGNIFICANCE OTHER THAN THAT.
SO ANYWAY THE GIRL SLAVES GOT THE GIMP AND BROUGHT HIM BEFORE MISTRESS MARLOWE. "YES MISTRESS HOW MAY I SERVICE YOU TODAY?" ASKED THE GIMP.
"WHORE, I HAVE DECIDED TO BRAINWASH THE ENTIRE WORLD TO BE MY PERSONAL SEX SLAVES. AND YOU WILL HELP ME FULFILL THIS PLAN." THE MISTRESS ORDERED HER SERVANT.
"YES MISTRESS. WHAT IS YOUR DIVINE PLAN?" THE SLAVE ASKED.
"OKAY SO. THERE IS MAGIC WATER THAT FUCKS WITH PEOPLE'S HEADS IN THE DESERT SOMEWHERE, AND DRAKE'S RING IS THE KEY TO FINDING IT. ANYWAY WE GET DRAKE'S RING, WE GET THE WATER, I BECOME THE GODDESS OF THE UNIVERSE, AND THAT'S BASICALLY THE PLAN." THE MISTRESS GAVE AN EVIL SMILE AS SHE LAID OUT HER GENIUS PLOT TO THE WORTHLESS MAN KNEELING AT HER FEET.
"BUT MISTRESS. WHAT ABOUT THE MAGIC DRUG?" ASKED THE GIMP.
"WHAT ABOUT IT?" ASKED THE MISTRESS.
"WELL, THE MAGIC DRUG IS THE REASON WHY YOU HAVE HALF OF THESE SLAVES. WE COULD JUST MAKE A SHITLOAD OF THE MAGIC DRUG AND GIVE THAT TO ANYONE YOU DESIRE INSTEAD OF GOING TO ALL THE TROUBLE OF GETTING DRAKE'S RING, SENDING GUYS TO FRANCE AND SYRIA, AND THEN GOING TO THE DAMN DESERT AND FINDING A WAY TO GET ALL OF THAT WATER OUT OF THERE JUST TO GET A POWER YOU ALREADY HAVE. HEY, HOW DID WE MAKE THE MAGIC DRUG ANYWAY?" THE SLAVE INQUIRED.
"BITCH, DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION ME. I AM THE GODDESS HERE." SAID THE MISTRESS ANGRILY AS SHE SLAPPED THE DISOBEDIENT SLAVE'S FACE WITH THE CROP. "DO YOU WANT THE STRAP-ON?" SHE GRABBED HIS FACE AND STARED INTO HIS SOUL.
"NO MISTRESS PLEASE NOT THE STRAP-ON I'LL BEHAVE. D:" THE SLAVE WAS SO TERRIFIED HE ACTUALLY SAID THE D: OUT LOUD.
"YOU HAD BETTER." THE MISTRESS SAID WITH AN ICY GLARE.
"BUT REALLY MISTRESS THINK ABOUT IT. DRAKE STOLE THAT RING FROM YOU 20 YEARS AGO WHEN HE WAS A BRATTY LITTLE SHIT AND HE'S HAD IT EVER SINCE. WE COULDN'T GET IT FOR ALL OF THIS TIME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE CAN GET IT NOW?" THE SLAVE ASKED.
"MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS. HE'LL SELL IT FOR THE RIGHT PRICE. ALL DONE WITH PHONY MONEY OF COURSE. LIKE HELL I'M GIVING HIM ANYTHING FROM MY SEX TOY FUND." THE MISTRESS ANSWERED.
"BUT HE'S KEPT IT FOR ALL THIS TIME. HE'S NOT GOING TO JUST SELL IT." THE SERVANT RESPONDED.
"[Censored. Please be polite] MY PLAN WILL WORK. LOOK, HE'S PROBABLY STILL WITH THAT CHLOE CHICK. THAT'S ONE EXPENSIVE PIECE OF ASS. HELL, I'D GIVE UP A STUPID TREASURE FOR THAT ASS." THE MISTRESS EXCLAIMED.
ALL BUT ONE SLAVE IN THE ROOM WAS SMART ENOUGH TO AVOID STARING AT THE MISTRESS AWKWARDLY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM, BUT IT'S PROBABLY VERY PAINFUL YET EROTIC AT THE SAME TIME. HELL MAYBE IT WAS A GIRL WHO WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO AND EVEN MORE PAINFUL AND EROTIC THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO HER. WHO CARES.
ANYWAY, ONCE THE STUPID SLAVE WAS DEALT WITH, THE SERVANT HAD YET MORE QUESTIONS FOR HIS MASTER. "BUT MISTRESS, I HEARD THAT THERE'S THIS REALLY RARE ARTIFACT THAT'S SOME BRASS POT THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT CAN HOLD THE WATER. SOMEHOW. AND WE'RE INEXPLICABLY GOING TO FIND THIS OUT BEFORE DRAKE DOES. HELL I KNOW WE'LL FIND THE DAMN THING BEFORE DRAKE EVEN HAS A CLUE, BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND THAT THING?"
"[Censored. Please be polite] YOU ASK FAR TOO MANY QUESTIONS. IT'S JUST A DAMN POT WHAT COULD BE SPECIAL ABOUT IT?" THE MISTRESS, BEGINNING TO GET FRUSTRATED, SLAPPED ANOTHER ONE OF HER MALE SLAVES ON THE ASS, CAUSING HIM TO BEND OVER IN PAIN AND SOMETHING TO FALL OUT OF HIS ASS: A BRASS POT THAT HE WAS FORCED TO USE AS A BUTT PLUG. "BUT HELL IF IT WILL SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN WHORE MOUTH THAT LOOKS ENOUGH LIKE THE POT FOR ME. THERE, PROBLEM SOLVED. NOW FIND A NEW BUTT PLUG FOR THAT GUY." THE MISTRESS ORDERED A FEMALE SLAVE.
"BUT MISTRESS THINGS CAN STILL GO WRONG. WHAT IF DRAKE FINDS THE WIN GAME GUN? HE MIGHT SHOOT THE TOWER, CAUSING THE ENTIRE LOST CITY WHERE THE WATER IS TO BLOW UP FOR ABSOLUTELY NO DAMN REASON WHATSOEVER!" THE SLAVE PANICKED.
"WILL YOU STOP WORRYING OVER NOTHING? THE WIN GAME GUN WILL BE SAFELY SECURED IN A BOX NOT TWENTY FEET BEFORE WHERE WE WILL BEGIN TAKING OUT THE WATER, LEFT COMPLETELY UNGUARDED AND UNLOCKED. DRAKE CANNOT POSSIBLY FIND IT. NOW STOP QUESTIONING ME WITH YOUR INFERIOR BRAIN OR YOU WILL GET THE STRAP-ON, SLUT. HELL, KEEP IT UP, AND YOU WON'T EVEN GET YOUR TWO HOURS OR SO OF ACTUAL PLOT RELEVANCE." BARKED THE MISTRESS, JUST ABOUT FED UP WITH HER WHORE'S BULLSHIT.
"WELL I STILL THINK IT WOULD BE A HELL OF A LOT EASIER TO DO AS YOU WISH WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF THE MAGIC DRUG." PROTESTED THE BOYBITCH.
"THAT'S IT. YOU'RE GETTING THE STRAP-ON TONIGHT. SLUTS, TAKE THIS MANWHORE BACK TO HIS DUNGEON AND PUNISH HIM AS YOU SEE FIT!" THE MISTRESS ORDERED, AS THE FEMALE SLAVES DRAGGED THE GIMP BACK TO HIS CAGE, KICKING AND SCREAMING.
"AND YOU OVER THERE." SHE POINTED AT A SLAVE. "PREPARE THE STRAP-ON." A LARGE BUILT MUSCULAR SLAVE REMOVED THE STRAP-ON FROM THE RACK AND APPROACHED THE MISTRESS, SECURING THE INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE ONTO HER WAIST, HIS HANDS SLIGHTLY SHAKING FROM THE INTIMIDATION FACTOR OF THE PHALLIC OBJECT, TWENTY INCHES LONG AND THIRTEEN INCHES AROUND, NOW ATTACHED TO THE HIPS OF HIS MASTER. EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MEANT FOR HIM. SATISFIED, THE MISTRESS SHOOD THE SLAVE AWAY.
"TODAY THE ASS OF THE GIMP, TOMORROW THE ASS OF THE WORLD! NONE WILL BE SAFE FROM MY EVIL, EVIL PLAN OF DOING ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT JUST TO ACQUIRE SOMETHING I COULD ALREADY HAD IN THE FIRST PLACE! MUAHAHHAHAHHAHHA!" THE MISTRESS LAUGHED EVILLY INTO THE NIGHT AS HER SUBJECTS LUSTED OVER HER.
AND SHE WAS RIGHT. BECAUSE WE ALL GOT FUCKED BY HER. HARD. THE GAME ACTUALLY TAKES THE FORM OF DOMINATRIX KATE MARLOWE WITH THE STRAP-ON WHEN IT IS RAPING YOUR ASS WITH IT'S NONSENSE, STUPIDITY, RUBBISH, GAPING PLOT HOLE FILLED, HASTILY EXPLAINED, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FUCKING ENDING.
AND THE MENTAL SCARRING WILL STAY WITH YOU. FOREVER. THE MISTRESS IS STILL LAUGHING AS WE SPEAK.
WE ARE ALL SLAVES TO THE MISTRESS. THE ENDING IS A LIE. SHE WON IN THE END. BECAUSE SHE FUCKED US. SHE FUCKED ALL OF US. AND SHE ORGASMED THE MAGIC DRUG INTO OUR ASSES BEFORE SHE PULLED OUT.
AND NOW WE ARE HER SLAVES.