A/N: I realized there weren't too many fics about this particular topic on FF, and ended up making it into an exercise on present tense. I'm totally not used to it but let me know how I did! For accompanying music, listen to Drift by Emily Osment. I used it for inspiration. If you haven't seen her new movie Cyberbully, it's amazing! Definitely worth a watch. And yes, part of what Alex wrote in her diary are actual lyrics from the song. Don't own the song, don't own the show. Enjoy!
OOOOOOOO
Alex hunches her shoulders against the biting rain, shielding her eyes from the water falling like bullets. Her hair whips against her exposed neck, reminding her of fists beating on flesh. The night is dark, and she wishes the distance between herself and the sub station would close more quickly.
And when she does reach the doors, opening them with a rush of warmth and a tinkling welcome, she finds relief. This place has been, and always will be her home. Though she hasn't lived here in quite some time, this is her home.
There are no customers this late at night, but she is greeted by a smiling face nonetheless. "Alex..." Theresa Russo bustles over to her daughter, arms open wide and eyes pricked with unshed tears. "Glad to have you back." Theresa is soon followed by Jerry and Max, their smiles sad and small and hopeful. Alex's father takes her bag and sets it aside so he can envelop her in a bear hug. Then Max takes his turn, moving with the awkward gangliness of one who has grown too much in too short a time. She has missed this.
Justin has been at WizTech for two years, and Alex doesn't look for him, knowing he is not here, and will get home soon. But there is a face missing from the reunion. Alex's eyes probe the shop expectantly, wordlessly questioning her family.
"Oh, Harper's upstairs, she'll be down soon," Jerry answers with a wave of his hand. Harper has been living at the Russo household, working part-time at the sub station to earn her way through college. Her parents' bad break with the stock market has left her with nothing.
Alex smiles in response and sits down to wait, letting everyone return to their work. Two or three minutes pass, and thunderous footsteps echo as a young brunette woman wearing a yellow dress that reeks of false happiness practically falls down the stairs. Eyes alight, she flings herself at her friend, squealing nonsense words and showering Alex with welcome. Alex imagines a mother, finally reunited with her child after a prolonged and worrisome separation.
Waving away Harper's worried questioning, she hints with her eyes that now everything is all right, she is finally home. Soon the night wears on, the shop's activity slows to lights flickering off, locks clicking into place, and chairs scraping against tabletop. Feet tramp upstairs, wordlessly, to bed.
Alex, reunited with her own room after so many days and nights and weeks away, feels tears of relief threaten to fall. But she does not let them. That is something she has taught herself long ago never to do.
Sleep begins to muddle her thoughts, but Alex must do something first. Pulling out a simple leather-bound notebook out of her coat pocket, she sits down at her desk and turns on a single dim desk lamp. The book is a timeline, a record, a series of entries that have kept Alex sane for so long by letting her pour out her heart to it. It has been her only friend. Though its contents document the worst year out of her eighteen, it has helped her to know that at least her life is real, and not something created by the darkest reaches of her mind. And now she must add to it.
January 4- Mason killed in action. Happy New Year to me.
January 7- The funeral today. How will I ever move on, Mason?
March 21- I met a really nice guy named Aron. Harper even said he's super cute, and I think he likes me. He's helping me to get through this. I don't know, maybe you want me to move on.
April 19- Aron asked me out. We're official! I hope you like him, Mason.
May 4- It's been four months since that day. Aron's really been helping me. I wish you could have met him, you probably could have been friends.
May 9- I'm moving in with him as soon as school gets out. Mom and Dad disagree, but I'm eighteen now and there's nothing they can do about it. We love each other. I decided to give up on the wizard competition, wizards and humans can't be together. Small price to pay, I should think.
May 12- School's out! Feels so good to be on my own, making my own decisions now.
May 20- I found some empty bottles of alcohol in our apartment. When I confronted Aron, he said that he's just having a little fun and to just forget about it.
May 29- Made love to Aron for the first time. I don't know, I always thought it was supposed to be sweet and romantic, but Aron's... rough. I'm probably just inexperienced though. Mason, I still miss you.
June 4- Aron came home late again. Is everything okay?
June 11- I caught Aron with another girl. Who does he think he is? Mason, you would never do anything like that to me. He still says he only loves me but I'm not sure.
June 26- I decided to talk to Aron but we got into a fight and he hit me. He's never done that before. What do I do now, Mason? He obviously needs help.
July 1- I find myself avoiding my family, they can't find out about this. I'll probably get through to Aron one of these days, he could never survive on his own without me.
July 14- Aron beat me today, he said I was sleeping around and probably got started with "that British kid." But we never did anything like that, Mason! I'm scared. I miss you.
July 30- I saw Mom at the supermarket and she saw my bruises. I told her I fell but I don't think she believes me.
August 11- I'm so afraid. I can't leave because Aron will find me and hurt me worse if I try. I have to stay, even if he hits me. I have to help him somehow! He's really confused. I mean, he must be.
August 13- I started secretly texting Justin again. It feels good to be connected. We're supposed to leave for college next week, but Aron says he's not going. I guess that means I'm not either.
September 6- Justin is so confused. He says I'm throwing away my future for that bastard, but he has no idea what's going on. I wish this would stop. I wish this would all stop. I desperately wish that somebody would find this diary.
September 21- Aron's getting more violent. I think my finger is broken, but I can't go to a doctor. I can't leave. I haven't seen my family in a long time. Do they know? Would they even care after what I did to them? Would anybody care? Who can I tell? Aron says I'm a useless whore, and it's no wonder that nobody wants me. He's with me out of pity, I'm sure. I guess I owe him after taking me in and all that. I don't know why you ever loved me, Mason.
September 24- Aron came home drunk, screaming for me. I finally texted Justin my address, told him to come get me. It was so scary. I hid in a closet but Aron found me and hit me, and yelled at me. He came so close to raping me. So close. Justin finally got there and I guess he heard my screaming because he kicked in the door and found me. Aron got away. I was so stupid for thinking anyone could put a stop to this. I know he'll just find me again.
September 26- Checked out of hospital with broken finger and countless contusions, but that's it. Aron was smart not to do any lasting damage. Saw my family for the first time today. Baby steps, Alex. Baby steps.
September 27- Aron's body found dead. Confirmed suicide. I know I should feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, Mason, but I just feel empty. My life was over as soon as I met him. You have absolutely no idea. Wish you were here.
September 30- I've been thinking. Aron was right. I'm not worth anything. My family is acting like I never left them, I never forgot them, I never screwed up. I don't deserve anything they're doing for me. I should just kill myself and get it over with. Then they wouldn't have to deal with me. If somebody finds this, I'll probably be dead. I'm sorry. Sorry for existing.
Alex grabs a pen, deliberately not looking at the last entries, even though she knows what they say. She begins to write.
September 31- My suicide attempt. So glad Justin came in time and took the pills away from me. I couldn't get the cap off, of all things! Thank goodness.
October 4- My check into the rehabilitation center.
December 23- Check out of rehab. Finally home.
Alex finalizes her journey with a nod. She is so lucky to have gotten out the way she did, she tells herself. She has no lasting injuries. Only her pride. Only her self-esteem. Only her relationships. Only her mind. He had never gone farther than raised fists and forced kisses in the night. He had never used a weapon on her. He had not raped her. She had not been raped. She had not been raped. She had not been raped.
Alex thinks of the girls at the center who had fared worse. How can she justify her current feelings? Why does she feel as if something has been stolen from her and forced upon her at the same time? Why has she found herself unable to speak since the incident, as she likes to call it?
Grabbing the previously discarded pen, Alex writes.
I have been used. I have been cheated. I have been abused. I have been ground into nothing. I am just another number. Stack me up, I'll crumble and drift along. I am just another nothing. Light me up, I'll fold in and then be gone. I am well-suited for erasing, fading into hazy. I'm sinking strong.
But despite all I've been through, I have also been loved. I have been taken in by the family I left. I have been rescued, forgiven, taken care of. My life was over, but now it can start again. My name is Alex Russo, and this is my new life.
Alex shuts the book with finality, standing to hide it in a back, forgotten corner of her closet, simultaneously burying its secrets into the depths of her mind.
Alex flicks off the light and crawls into bed, anxiously awaiting the new day and the arrival of her brother.