Author's Note: Tekken belongs to Namco and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.
…
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review:
Tekken: Blood Vengeance
…
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"
"I am King of the Iron SPOILERS!"
"There's this guy, called Ginger, who has a father, called Kazooie, and this father-son relationship can pretty much be summed up like this-"
"WHY YOU LITTLE…!"
(insert stock footage of Homer Simpson strangling Bart Simpson)
"Nope, nothing wrong there."
"So Ginger and Kazooie are after this high school kid who goes to this private school for rich kids, and both their corporations send spies to find out information about him."
"Ginger's corporation sends a robot girl, who dresses up every day like a cafeteria maid/whore…and all the students and teachers are completely fine with it. And Kazooie's corporation sends a kung-fu fighting high school girl called Xylophone, who has a kung-fu fighting panda, except this kung-fu fighting panda doesn't fight. She only eats and sleeps throughout the whole movie…and runs like the Road Runner!"
"MEEP-MEEP!"
ZOOM!
"Not to mention, Xylophone runs like the Road Runner as well!"
"Seriously, she runs so fast that she can run up against the wall and save someone falling off a building to certain death!"
"What kind of kung-fu fighting high school girl takes THAT many steroids a day?"
"Moving on…"
"So Xylophone and the robot maid are doing some investimagating about the high school kid like they were ordered, and they also become friends…which complimacates things even more! But then suddenly, the high school kid gets kidnapped by a secret army and disappears!"
"And the robot maid is like-"
"The subject's gone and now I have to eliminate you because you're getting in the way!"
"And Xylophone's like-"
"Hey, how can you talk without moving your lips?"
"DIE!"
"So Xylophone and the robot maid start fighting in somebody's backyard garden, and then the robot maid spares Xylophone's life because she likes her too much…until suddenly Kazooie's men arrive! And the robot maid is like-"
"I can take all these men on my own, because I'm a robot maid with jets shooting out of my back and I wield these awesome razor chainsaws on my arms and…"
Zap!
"UGH!"
Thud.
"And Xylophone takes on Kazooie's men all on her own…and wins!"
"Seriously? She went through so much trouble fighting the robot maid yet Kazooie's men knocked her down in one second? Why didn't Kazooie send his own men to dispose of the robot maid instead of Xylophone? That would have made much more sense!"
"But then guess who comes?"
"OH MY GOD! IT'S SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!"
"Oh no, wait. It's just Panda."
"MEEP-MEEP!"
ZOOM!
So Panda rescues Xylophone and the robot maid and they go hide in their school teacher's mansion, and during the night, Xylophone's sleeping ever so restfully on the robot maid and is like-"
"I like you a lot because you feel so warm just like my refrigerator."
"Ahem…yuri alert."
"OOOOOH, NO!"
"But I had a refrigemerator once!"
"We broke up after three days."
"So anyway, Kazooie's men come after Xylophone and the robot maid and the two girls fly away to this castle in the middle of nowhere, where they find the high school kid who was kidnapped by the secret army from earlier. And then Ginger bursts through the door…and Kazooie!"
"Then this curtain lifts up and you find out that the man behind the high school kid's kidnapping is actually Ginger's grandpa…who kind of looks like Bozo the Clown if he was more senile and took aerobics classes with Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"So the high school kid rips off his shirt, gets REALLY angry and is like-"
"I don't like you anymore, Bozo the Grandpa, I'm gonna kill you!"
"FALCON PUNCH!"
The Bum gave a deadpan stare…
…then gave a deadpan stare back to himself…
…then gave a deadpan stare again.
"Um…wasn't that punch meant to hurt you?"
"Nope, it didn't."
"Does this mean you're gonna kill me by breaking my back in excruciating pain?"
The Bum cracked his knuckles.
"Oh yeah…"
CRACK!
So Xylophone and the robot maid are next to the dying high school kid and Xylophone's like-
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Meanwhile though, Ginger, Kazooie and Bozo the Grandpa engage in a fun family reunion which…can pretty much be summed up like this-"
(Cue montage of cheesy Batman sound effects!)
AIEEE!
AIIEEE!
ARRGH!
ARRGGHH!
AWK!
AWKKKKKK!
BAM!
BANG!
BANG-ETH!
BIFF!
BLOOP!
BLURP!
BOFF!
BONK!
BONG!
CLANK!
CLANK-EST!
CLASH!
CLUNK!
CLUNK-ETH!
CRACK!
CRAAACK!
CRASH!
CRRAAACK!
CRUNCH!
CRUNCH-ETH!
EEE-YOW!
FLRBBBBB!
GLIPP!
GLURPP!
HURT!
KAPOW!
KAYO!
KER-SPLOOSH!
KER-PLOP!
KLONK!
KLUNK!
KRUNCH!
OOOFF!
OOOOFF!
OUCH!
OUCH-ETH!
OWWW!
PAM!
PLOP!
POW!
POWIE!
QUNCKKK!
RAKKK!
RIP!
SLOSH!
SOCK!
SPLAAT!
SPLATS!
SPLATT!
SPLOOSH!
SWAAP!
SWISH!
SWOOSH!
THUNK!
THWACK!
THWACKE!
THWAP!
THWAPE!
THWAPP!
TOUCHE!
UGGH!
URKK!
URKKK!
VRONK!
WHACK!
WHACK-ETH!
WHAM-ETH!
WHAMM!
WHAMMM!
WHAP!
Z-ZWAP!
ZAM!
ZAMM!
ZAP!
ZAP-ETH!
ZGRUPPP!
ZLONK!
ZLOPP!
ZLOTT!
ZOK!
ZOWIE!
ZWAPP!
ZZONK!
ZZWAP!
ZZZZWAP!
ZZZZZWAP!
"And I'm like-"
"FIGHT-GASM!"
"So then Kazooie has had enough fighting and turns himself into…a macho gargoyle!"
"So…why didn't he do that earlier?"
The Bum shrugged to himself.
"I dunno…?"
"But Ginger is like-"
"Hey, I can turn into a macho gargoyle too!"
"And Kazooie is like-"
"You can't beat possibly me with your gargoyle powers! Mine is better than yours! HA-HA!"
"And Ginger is like-"
"Oh no, it isn't! HA-HA!"
"HA-HA!"
"HA-HA!"
"HA-HA!"
"HA-HA!"
"HA-HA!"
"Are we done yet?"
"Yeah, I give up. See you in the next movie, or something…"
"So Ginger wins the fight against Kazooie, but then Bozo the Grandpa returns by rising out from the earth as a monster made out of dead Pinocchios!"
"Wait, when did this happen in the video games? Was I watching 'Tekken' or was I watching 'Power Rangers' at that time?"
"No, it must have been 'My Little Pony'."
"So Ginger's flying about trying to beat Bozo the monster made out of dead Pinocchios, when the robot maid uses up all her strength and life to launch her missile arms and destroy the evil creature!"
"DOUBLE FALCON PUNCH!"
"And Ginger slices him in half to finish him off!"
"HOORAY!"
"But wait! Xylophone's mourning over the robot maid's death, and she's like-"
"There's no way to bring to bring her back alive, is there?"
"And Ginger's like-"
"Oh, but of course there is!"
The Bum snapped his fingers.
ZOINK!
"I'm alive!"
"HOORAY!"
"Thus the world was saved, Xylophone and the robot maid got back together as friends, and nobody ever died…except for that high school kid…who everyone suddenly forgot about."
"Wait, who are you talking about again?"
The Bum shrugged to himself again.
"I dunno…"
"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"
Seriously though, 'Tekken: Blood Vengeance' was pretty silly fun. Pretty visuals, silly story, fun fights.
"Come on, I just wanna by a new refrigemerator and marry it. I'm gonna call my kids Pepsi, Coke, 7up and Dr. Pepper. The girl will be called Fanta."