Pain of Nostalgia
Disclaimer: I don't own Xander, Buffy, Willow, Anya, Cordelia, Jesse or indeed the whole BtVS universe. Unfortunately, these all belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy (although I'm working on it... ^_^). I get no profit from this but my own amusement. Enjoy.
Yesterday I found something in my room
It was a G.I. Joe comic book that I had
And suddenly a feeling overcame my gloom
And I realized how things were back in the past
and I'll never feel the same
and I'll always feel the pain
of nostalgia
~ "Nostalgia", No Motiv
~~~
Xander used to like war movies, but he doesn't any more. Before Buffy he would watch them to escape. Brave heroic soldier Xander, striding through the jungle for the sake of home and country and apple pie. Soldier Xander never worried about his parents or his grades or his lack of a social life - heroes don't do that sort of thing, and besides, they always get the girl.
After Buffy, he watched them and felt some measure of solidarity with the soldiers. Waging war on evil to make sure the people back home remained safe. They were heroes, really, and when it was all over the world would congratulate them and hand out medals.
Now he's had his fill of blood and violence and explosions. Watching hapless extras get gunned down next to the hero isn't tragic any more, it just seems wearingly realistic and normal. He scorns the ones who come back unscathed and feels uncomfortably close to the ones who come back psycho. He hopes he'll never do a Rambo.
Xander has pretty much given up on TV anyway. It's too banal, too petty. Full of stupid characters wrapped up in their oh-my-God-I-don't-have-a-date-for-the-prom hysterics. Without the inane chatter of the television, the anti-noise fills his apartment day and night and night and day, deafening in its silence.
It's times like these that he really misses Anya. Misses her chatter, her happiness, her warmth in the middle of the night. He feels made up of nostalgia these days. On occasion, he finds himself aching for Cordelia, wanting to call her up and listen to her insult his stupidity and his social status. But she doesn't do that any more, according to Willow who still keeps in contact. Cordelia's changed. She's sweet and good and saintlike. His Cordelia is much further away than LA these days.
He misses Jesse most days. It was too easy to shove his best friend from his mind in years gone by; feel sadness but be too busy with demons and relationships and life in general to give it much thought. He's never had a male friend of his own since then - just borrowed company, only there because of Buffy or Willow. Willow. He misses her the most, not just because she's in England but because she's not his Willow any more, she's changed, just like Cordelia except worse, because last time he checked Cordelia's sudden humanitarianism didn't result in flaying and shooting and apocalypse-bringing-about-ing.
There are times when he wishes the world was as normal as he'd thought it was for fifteen years of his life. No vampires to make a nummy treat out of Jesse. No magic to turn Willow in evil Wicca woman. He wonders what that would have been like. No Cordelia to start with - without the catalyst of world threatening evil there would be nothing that could force their social circles into alignment. He could have snapped out of his obliviousness long enough to notice Willow. Or maybe Oz would still be there, footloose and werewolf-free enough to stay with his band, move on to famousness. Maybe he would have passed his final exams higher. He could have gotten into college, and lived in a house off campus with his two best buddies like they'd planned to do since Xander and Jesse figured out that high school wasn't the end. Live somewhere with non-dead Jesse and non-sad Willow, in a house that wasn't always cold and depressing and silent. And he wishes, he wishes, he wishes...
Years of Anya memories resurface then, and he stops, because on the Hellmouth wishes can come true and it normally turns out the opposite of what you want. And besides, does he really want for the past six years to disappear, to live in a Buffy-less world? Would he truly give up everything he's experienced to live a life of normalcy?
Most nights, the answer is yes.