Rated 'X' for 'X-Tremely Bad'

Older Kids
Genre: Het (Daniel/Vala), Established Relationship, Humor
Synopsis: Vala tries her hand at Wormhole X-Treme! fanfiction. It does not go well...
Notes: Written for colls for the 2009 Fruitcake Exchange... my original bunny for the prompt is still plodding along at its own pace, but here's something to fill in until I can get the other finished!
Status: Completed December 20, 2009

Buxom, beautiful Malda Valoran flipped her luxurious emerald tresses over her shoulder, and looked up at Doctor David Levant with her luminous lavender eyes. "Of course not, David, I've done this a thousand times. Infiltrating an enemy stronghold is nothing compared to stealing the Scrolls of Rinah from the Fortress of Doom."

The handsome archaeologist smiled at her, already madly in love with the beautiful, brave space pirate. "Then we'll do this together, Malda."

"Mary Sue."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Says who?"

Daniel leveled an exasperated look at her over the rims of his glasses. "Characters who are a blatant self-insertion of the author are always Mary Sues."

"Not always," Vala pouted.

"You named her Malda Valoran."

"So?"

"That's an anagram."

"I thought it was a nice name."

"It's your name with all the letters mixed around!"

She smirked. "Like I said, a nice name."

Daniel shoved up his glasses, leaned back in his seat, and crossed his arms. "Do you want me to beta read this or not?"

"Of course I do!"

"Well, part of the beta process is the author actually listening to the beta and making some changes based on the beta's observations. Malda's a total Mary Sue, and it will take a lot of work to straighten her out." He turned back to his screen. "The 'luminous lavender eyes' and 'luxurious emerald tresses', for example, have got to go."

"She has to be blind and bald?"

"She needs a real eye color and a real hair color! And stop mentioning them in every other paragraph!"

Vala flopped down on the couch, propping her chin up on her crossed arms and swinging her feet in the air over her back. "Fine," she agreed at last, "she can have gray eyes and black hair."

"Self-insertion," Daniel sing-songed.

"Oh, like Doctor Levant's not modeled after you?"

Daniel raised his index finger. "I didn't create Doctor Levant, Martin Lloyd did. Besides, even though he may have been modeled after me initially, the actor's taken on his own spin to the character and now Levant is nothing at all like me."

"Yeah, right."

"Well, ever since Colonel Danning left Wormhole X-treme!, Levant's been filling in as the sarcastic voice for the team. He also started carrying a bigger weapon, got different glasses, bulked up, and I sometimes think he's the one who leads the team, not Colonel Monroe or that new guy."

Rolling off the couch, Vala cleared off a mirrored serving tray and removed it from the coffee table. Next, she walked over to the bookshelf, grabbed a framed photo, then sashayed over to the desk with her finds. "Take a look at this guy," she began, setting the picture on the desk. It was one of her personal favorites, showing a floppy-haired young Daniel riding a dromedary. "Now look at this guy," she finished, whipping the mirror around and sticking it in front of Daniel's face.

"Now, I don't know about you," she continued, leaning against his shoulders, "but I definitely see someone wearing different glasses-" she squeezed his biceps "-considerably bulked up, and while I don't know for certain that the P90 is a bigger weapon than whatever you used to carry, I know for a fact it's not because you feel the need to compensate for any short-comings." She shot him a lecherous grin.

Daniel looked as though he wanted to protest, closed his mouth after a moment, then set the mirrored tray aside. "Coincidence, and even if it wasn't, I have no control over what Martin Lloyd and Raymond Gunne do to the character. But that's not the point, and you're changing the subject!"

"Am I?"

"Malda Valoran is a total Mary Sue."

"Oh, phooey. We agreed to fix the hair and eyes, what else is there?"

"She's too perfect."

"Darling, I'm perfect."

He froze with his mouth open, trying to decide a diplomatic way to answer that wouldn't have him sleeping on the couch for the next week. In the end, he chose to dance around it. "Malda's an instant expert at everything she tries, whereas her template still hasn't mastered parallel parking."

Vala pouted and flopped dramatically on the couch. "That assumes she's modeled after me, a fact we still haven't established."

"She's a space pirate," Daniel began, ticking off his points on his fingers. "She first met Levant when she hijacked the X-Treme X-Plorer, she became a member of the X-Pedition team after she escaped the Narghii to warn everyone about an impending invasion, flirts shamelessly with everyone at the XBA, subscribes to every fashion magazine known to man, is addicted to TV talent competitions, doesn't-"

"You forgot to mention that Doctor Levant is madly in love with her."

"Well, if she really was modeled after you, then Doctor Levant wouldn't have liked her much at all at first."

Vala sat up with an affronted gasp. "What?"

"If he's anything like his template-which you've just established he is-then Levant will think she's annoying."

"Really?"

"Stubborn. Argumentative. Deceitful."

"Devastatingly attractive?"

"Dangerously so, but in the same way a, uh... in the same way that thunderstorms can be dangerous and beautiful."

Vala draped herself across the arm of the couch. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then so does Levant!"

"Not at first!" Daniel protested. "Levant will think Malda's annoying, irritating, and a total pain in the ass!"

Mimicking Daniel's favorite gesture, Vala raised a finger in the air. "But! Malda eventually wears down his defenses, proves herself an invaluable addition to the team, and gets Levant to admit he likes her."

Daniel smiled. "Then maybe you should write her that way. This 'love at first sight' thing you have going doesn't make much sense. Malda's got to grow on the reader before Levant fans will accept her."

"You're saying I should have them fight like felines and canines first?"

"Sure."

"And have Malda shamelessly flirt with Levant at every opportunity, annoy him to absolute distraction, then vanish for a while so that he has a chance to discover just how much he really misses her?" Crossing the room, Vala pulled Daniel's chair away from the desk and spun it around to face her. Next, she pulled off his glasses and carefully placed them on the mirrored tray still on the desk. Finally, she straddled his lap and began peppering his face with little kisses. "And, of course, she should do absolutely everything she can thereafter to prove to Levant that she really, truly, does love him for more than just his looks."

Daniel caught her face, pulled her away from him for a moment, and finished, "And in so doing, force Levant to realize he can't live without her in his life and at his side."

Vala threw her arms around him and sighed contentedly. "I love happy endings."

Author's Notes:
There is an NC-17 sequel to this available at my website and my 'fic journal (title: "WorX in Progress").