Disclaimer: I do not own the Baby Sitter's Club or any of its characters.
Author's Note: I have absolutely fallen in love with a Dawn/Logan pairing. I know that it is weird and maybe it is just because she is my favorite character, nevertheless, they are my absolute favorite. I am not sure if it sounds OOC or not, I know some points probably do, but they grew up, so of course they will have some differences in personality.
Changes In Me
"How do I look?" Mary Anne asked me for what seemed like the fiftieth time. I should not be feeling this much animosity towards her. Not on this day. The best day of her life. She was my sister. My best friend.
"Fantastic," Kristy chimed in when I could not answer. Kristy gave me a funny look. The funny look she had been giving me for over a week now, ever since Mary Anne's bachelorette party. Maybe she knew something was up, but if she did she had never told me what it was. I would assume that if she did know, she would somehow find a way to use it to become the sole maid of honor instead of sharing the duties with me.
Or just tell Mary Anne. Which would mean we would not be in this position at all. There would probably be no wedding. And while the thought made me happy, I knew that the way Mary Anne would be devastated would not make me happy. Yet, that thought had not stopped me from doing what I had done.
Ever since I was little, I was told that I was an individual. I let myself be myself, I did not let people change me. Well, as I learned in junior high when I tried to date a couple of different guys, that was not true. I would try and change myself if I thought I could find true love from it. You would think that someone could change themselves from those so far gone junior high days. That was over fifteen years ago, and yet I would still do the same thing.
This time, however, I was willing to hurt the ones I loved. Most specifically, of course, being Mary Anne. But, really, they also say that most people that are high school sweethearts will not make it. Her and Logan were junior high sweethearts, I am sure those statistics would be even worse. I would be surprised if they really did make it to the 'til death do us part.
If you counted the two times they broke up in junior high, and a half dozen times in between, the mistake they were making seemed to be spelled out pretty clearly. As I sat down on a chair, I thought about the most recent break-up that had taken place one year ago.
000
I had been waiting for the phone call all night. Logan had excitedly explained to me his plans to propose to Mary Anne that very night. Since graduating college, I had started an environmental interest group in Washington D.C., and Logan had begun working for me as an accountant. Mary Anne had an internship with a senator, so he needed a place to work to be near her. Since I had offered him the job, we had grown considerably closer while working long hours together. It got to the point were now I talked to him more than I did Mary Anne.
Still, I would assume that Mary Anne would have called me with the news. I smiled as I thought of the love that they shared. I had not had a serious boyfriend since my freshmen year of college, and while most of the time I was okay with it, seeing those two together could make me sick. I still had the idea though that all of their break-ups were a sign that maybe this was not going to work.
Just as I thought that, a key turned into the office door. The door opened and Logan walked in, looking very much worse for the wear. He had already loosened his tie and I could tell that he had been crying.
"She said no?" I asked, surprise evident in my voice.
"She was not ready for marriage," he sighed, "At least, she said not with me. She broke up with me …,"
I did not feel like I should point out that she was always the one breaking up with him, and he always let himself get crazy over it. Most of the times before, I had been on Mary Anne's side and thought that Logan should just let her be herself. This time, though, he had gladly followed her while she pursued her dreams and had let her do what she wanted.
"I am so sorry," I sighed. I reached down in the fridge that we kept our food in during the week and pulled out a couple of beers. We had recently had a party for someone in the office's birthday here, and we had managed to have tons of leftover beer.
"Maybe this will help," I added.
"Mary Anne may need you," Logan bit his bottom lip as he opened the beer I had handed him.
"Not as much as you do," I smiled, slowly sipping at my beer.
0000
I knew that a half frown, half smile was on my face at the moment. It always was when I thought of what had happened at that night. Specifically, hours later as we were both tipsy and still reminiscing on Mary Anne, with the occasional bashing for his sake.
0000
"I have never been with another woman," Logan confidently told me, "I knew that she had been with other men, in that year we broke up in college. But, I did not let it get me down because I knew we would end up together. I should have done more while we were separated."
"You have time now," I reminded him. At this point in time we were both sitting on the floor, cross-legged, facing each other.
"I would not even know where to begin," he slurred every word, "Mary Anne has been my life for so long.
"Maybe that's the problem," I frowned at him, and I could tell that I was slurring my own words, "You cannot center your life around one person. She probably felt pressured."
"Not anymore," Logan let out a pitiful laugh, "how do I go about finding another girl?"
"Timing," I announced, "When the time is right, you will know."
It was then that I noticed how intensely Logan was staring at me, like I was a whole new person. And I was not sure if it was because of my drunken state or what, but I did not find myself complaining. Suddenly, he leaned forward and kissed me. At first, I tried to make myself resist, but finally I just gave in.
000
I would be the first to admit that the sex that night was not the best I ever had. It had been drunken, and sloppy, and somehow vengeful. And yet, it had worked and had been fantastic and at least to me, it felt right. Until I woke up the next morning and Logan had quickly told me that Mary Anne had called him and reconsidered his offer. He was off to see her, and apparently to start planning their wedding.
"You ready?" Claudia gently asked me as she joined us in the room. Besides Kristy and myself, Claudia and Stacy were part of the bridal party. I nodded as I stood up and began to follow them out of the room, but then Kristy blocked my path.
"Are you okay?" Kristy demanded to know, "You are crying."
"My best friend is getting married," I reminded her.
"And the guy that you love," Kristy softly said. I looked up at her in surprise. She did not seem mad, only sad.
"How did you know?" I asked, not even trying to hide it.
"You have not been yourself for a while," Kristy uncomfortably said, "Normally, Mary Anne would notice, but she has been busy with the wedding. At the bachelorette party, when everybody else had passed out, I could hear you talking in your sleep."
"It's not what it seems like," I protested.
"Then you are not sleeping with him?" Kristy asked, a cold tone in her voice.
I did not know how to answer that.
00000
The second time we had slept together happened a week after Mary Anne and Logan had announced their engagement. The only two people who knew that she had originally told him no were myself and Kristy. They acted like nothing had happened between them. That was much the same way Logan was acting towards me. I was trying to act the same, but I was not sure how to.
We had to stay at work late to finish numbers for the month. At first, everybody had been there, until they started to slowly leave. And before I could stop it, Logan and I were the only two left. I told myself that it had been a mistake, and neither of us had meant anything by it. We could get over this hurdle, if not for us, then for Mary Anne.
"I am sorry," Logan said, his accent coming out in full force. Mary Anne had explained to me that his accent came out strongest when he was stressed out.
"It's not a big deal," I forced myself to say, "I did it too."
"We shouldn't have," he hesitantly added.
"It was a bad mistake," I admitted.
"It was not bad …," he grinned, "A mistake, maybe, but bad, no."
I grinned at him, but quickly turned away. There was no way that this could happen again. Especially when we were both sober and he was engaged to my best friend.
"I have been thinking a lot about it," he continued, turning me around to force me to look at him.
"Logan …," I started, but the thought was never completed as I suddenly kissed him. I did not know what possessed me to do it, but it felt right. And in that moment that was all I cared about.
0000
And in that moment, I had sealed my fate as the other woman. And it was not like Logan was ever going to love me, I had changed who I was because I wanted to feel as if someone could care about me. I had gone against my morals of putting my friends first, about how cheating was wrong, and about lying just so I could have the few moments of feeling wanted that came with it.
"Dawn?" Kristy's stern voice broke through.
Even as I finally focused back in on her, she did not appear all that mad. She just seemed sad.
"I am not going to tell her," Kristy softly said, "They are going to have enough problems without hearing about this."
At this point in time, I noticed the one or two tears that had before trickled down my face had turned into a full dam of tears. Why was I unable to want someone who was not in love with my best friend?
"Kristy … I …," I tried to say, between tears, but she turned away from me. I knew that even though she felt bad for me, I had done something unforgivable, and while she would never tell, our friendship would never be the same.
"We have to go," she reminded me. I realized then that we were several moments behind everybody else. I nodded and quickly wiped the tears away to walk with her.
The sexual relationship I had with Logan had deteriorated two of my friendships. I knew I needed it to stop. And yet, how many times had I thought that before? And then Logan would come to me with some fight that he and Mary Anne had, and I would find myself in the same place. Most of the time, laying naked in my bed with him next to me. He always told me he admired my strength. But, if I was really strong, I could put an end to this.
And yet, in that moment, I really believed that maybe he would end it. The problem was that we were both weak. I never would have described Mary Anne as being stronger than me, but at least she had been able to tell Logan no before.
Kristy nudged me in the arm suddenly, indicating it was my time to walk down the aisle. I slowly began to walk, locking eyes with Logan who seemed to be happily waiting at the altar. The small smile that he produced just for me almost made me stop dead in my tracks. However, I urged myself forward, floating on another, not too distant memory.
0000
Two days before the wedding and three hours before the rehearsal dinner had brought a surprising knock on my door. I was not expecting the other bridesmaids for another two hours, and I was nowhere near ready to go now. I opened my door to see Logan on the other side.
"I don't know if I can go through with this," Logan's accent was once again thick with stress, "It does not feel right."
I ushered him inside, not knowing what to say. A part of me hoped that maybe this time he was telling me the truth, while another part was telling me that my hopes were going to be crushed again, like they had many times over the last year. But, it was not just that we had spent so much time having sex together, we had actually spent so much time talking. About everything, it seemed. And that was what made it so much harder.
"You love her," I forced myself to say, like I always did.
"I think I do," that was the first and only time he had ever questioned his love for her, to me at least, "but, neither of us seem happy."
"You are just stressed out," I put my arm around him and led him to the couch. He smiled at me.
"it should not be this hard," he sighed, "When I am with her, well, I am constantly thinking of you."
"You do not really want to leave her," I urged him.
"But, I want to be with you," he replied, bringing me close to him. He began to kiss me, and for the first time, I actually pulled away.
"You can't," I said, I could feel tears welling up, "I think maybe we have let this thing go on too long."
"Yes," he answered, "But, I care about you very deeply. I think Mary Anne was right when she said no. We do not belong together. I could end it all now."
With that, I could no longer hold back my passion and I began to kiss him. His hands began to slide up my shirt in the familiar way almost immediately. As we began pulling clothes off each other and making our way to my bedroom, I really thought that maybe this time it would end up with us being together.
Half an hour later, however, he was standing up, brushing his hand through his hair and looking at me with pain.
"You can't do it," were the words I had spoken to make him act like this, "Mary Anne needs you. You cannot leave her at the altar."
"But you and me …," Logan's distressed voice spoke up as I began to grab clothes and throw them at him while putting on my own.
"We are what we are," I said, my voice cracking as I began to cry. Logan bundled me up in his arms.
"Just say the word … and I will be done with her," he demanded. I shook my head, for fear of the fact that he was lying. That I would show how much I wanted it and then he would go ahead and marry Mary Anne. I don't think my lying, cheating heart could take that.
0000
I could see tears forming in Logan's eyes, and I was hoping that he was thinking of the same moment that I was. I made it to the end of the aisle, and turned around to watch as Kristy walked down the aisle. The grim determination on her face showed that she was as much against this union as I was, even if they were for different reasons.
The bridal march started playing and Richard began walking Mary Anne down the aisle. She was crying too, which was no surprise considering she could still cry at the drop of a hat. I gave my sister a smile as she finally reached the end of the aisle. I had changed myself so much, and yet she still seemed completely the same as her and Logan turned to face the priest. The priest smiled at both of them, and began the ceremony.
As they were taking their vows, I made a vow myself. Logan belonged to my sister and best friend now. I could not afford to ruin everything in my life just because of the attention that I liked to get from him. I would go back to being an individual, I would let them lead their lives, and I would go far away to live mine. That was the only way to guarantee that I would be successful, was to live so far away to were I could not be tempted. This time, I vowed, as I saw Logan glance my way as he began his vows, the changes in me were going to be good and not for anybody but myself.