by
Belladonna
Above the mansion, right on the
rooftop a man sat in silence. He loved to sit there and to think, think about
his life and how it had turned out. He always wondered, whether it would have
changed something if he had done it differently but all he ever came up with
was a blank. He simply didn't know, all he knew now was the fact that the woman
he loved had just left him and that was something he even didn't understand
more, just like he understood exactly why and that was it that left his heart
out in the cold.
Today he had come up to the roof to
think again, about the one woman his heart belonged to and about their future
together, if they still had one.
~/~
Sometimes I'm asking myself whether
it would've changed anything, whether it probably would have developed into a
rather different direction if I had gone differently at it right from the
beginning.
I am sitting here now on the roof of
the mansion and asking myself these questions. I have done this often recently,
but this time it is about something important, maybe the most important thing
in my life. I think about her, about us, that is if there still is this us.
I've met the most beautiful and
astounding woman that could ever happen to me and I fell in love with her. It
was love at first sight and what is even more astounding about it, she loves me
too.
Now I have lost this anchor in my
life, the light which lightens up the darkness of my soul and still does when I
am thinking of her.
My whole life I have dreamt of such
a woman, a woman for whom I'd do anything, whom my heart belongs to and to whom
I could be completely honest and open. And that is it that stands between us,
for I cannot and my past was it that made my relationship to Rogue crumble,
even if there would never be anything that'll be able to change my feelings for
her, a love I know I don't deserve when she will know the whole truth.
A simple question was it, that made
our love crumble, a simple question that brought this shaky wall down.
Is it too much to be honest?
I admit that I never been completely
honest, neither to her nor to anybody else, I am not and probably will never be
able to, especially concerning my feelings. I have been disappointed too often
when I open up to anybody, a pain I don't want anybody to feel nor feel it
again.
I also admit that I have never told
her that I love her, I can't do it and that although I do love her from the
bottom of my heart.
I love her more than I have ever
loved anyone before or ever will love again.
I don't know why it is so hard with
her to tell her my true feelings, it has never been that hard before but with
her I seem not being able to bring it over my lips. I cannot tell them to her,
these three simple words I cannot make leave my lips.
With other women it had always been
easy, is it because none of them meant that much to me that Rogue does now, is
it because it wasn't so serious with anyone of them before like it is with her?
Are my feelings truly that deep this time and are they meant so honest, so
completely honest like never before in my life?
But that was it not that ripped our
love apart, not my inability to reveal my love to her openly even though I'd
wished so hard to do it. No it is my past doings, which I cannot make undone or
amend for, no matter how hard I want, the things I have done and cannot take
back. It is my past that stands between us and will remain there. All the things
I did are incomprehensible like they are inexcusable and from where I stand
today I see that now. I should have seen it back then too, but then I had been
too blind.
I was willing to be open to her, to
reveal her everything but for that it was too late. The band of trust already
been stretched to the limit and I have given it the final pull. She has told me
that she loves me, that I was the best thing that could have happened to her,
like she is to me, and still I was unable to make her stay, stay with me.
It is my fault that she's gone, that
she has left me and I'd do anything to make this undone. I long so much for
holding her again in my arms, to hold her tight and to never let her go again.
But I don't even know whether she would be coming back. And if she will be
coming back, then she probably wouldn't have come back to me. Even if I love
her that much it will still be me who is standing between us, be it my
inability for the truth or the truth itself I so much try to hide from her, for
the truth is my greatest shame.
Everything I did drove her only
farther away from me and I'd do anything to win her back, that she would come
back to me again. I so much hope that it will be one day that I will be able to
hold her in my arms again, to look in her deep loving green eyes and to see the
love for me again in them, that I am unable to confess to her.
I should have hold her back,
should've stopped her somehow. I should have prevented that she had gone from
me but for this now it is too late. Something, I could have done something to
hold her, to hinder her from leaving but even for this I wasn't able to do, no
matte how much I wanted it.
Didn't I want it in the depth of my
heart? Had I been glad that she has left, for then my secret would've been
secured within me again?
I am a fool when I say something
like this or even only think this, because for her I'd do or give anything. Her
love for me means my life, is my life and I cannot be without her.
Please Rogue, come back, come back
to me, chère. I've been a fool to just let you go.
But she doesn't hear me, cannot hear
me. And I am left here with the broken pieces of our relationship that I
desperately try to put back again, hoping that our love has not cooled off
because of my own cowardice and foolishness.
I have been a fool to let you go, to
just let you go the way I did.
Please chère, come back to me again,
I will do anything to win you back, to make you trust me again and to win your
love for me again, for I love you.
I truly love you, Rogue.
~fin~
What kind of fool am I?
By: Belladonna