ATHF- Revenge of the FCC
Disclaimer: I am disclaiming ATHF, in the name of the moon.
[Que Dr. Weird Theme Music]
Laboratory of Dr. Weird,South Jersey Shore
Dr. Weird: Gentlemen, behold! Lesbians!
Gestures to two middle-aged drag queens
Steve: Uh, Dr. Weird, those are guys.
Dr. Weird: I know! Muahahahahahahahaha!
My Name Is:
Shakesula, the mic rula, the old schoola.
You want a trip? I bring it to ya.
Frylock and I'm on top rock, you like a cop
Meatwad you up next with your knock knock.
Meatwad get the money, see.
Meatwad get the honeys, G.
Travel in my car, livin' like a star,
Ice on my fingers and my toes, and I'm a Taurus.
Yeah, check check it.
Cuz we are the Aqua Teens,
Make the homies say Ho! And the girlies wanna scream.
Cuz we are the Aqua Teens,
Make the homies say Ho! And the girlies wanna scream.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Numba one in the hood, G.
Camera zoom from outside of house through to living room to show Master Shake enjoying his routine television program.
Shake: Oh man, that is just the funniest thing I've ever not laughed at through actual laughter. Should I describe it out loud to you? Oh, wait. How silly of me. I forgot that I'm the only one in the room right now. Again. I just, I guess it slipped my mind. Again. It's a good thing that I am remembering it as I continue to talk out loud... to... no one. Just... talking to... myself. No one else but m-
Meatwad: [Rolling in from the hallway and cutting off Master Shake] Hey Shake put on the-
Shake:Hey ha hey, Meatwad, buddy, You didn't hear anything did you?
Meatwad: Well yeah I can hear everything you'se sayin' from inside my room-
Shake: Oh, so then were you or were you not aware that I was in the middle of a conversation, which you so rudely interrupted?
Meatwad: Well, I mean, it's just you, out here, by yourself-
Shake: I know that! What I don't know is whether or not that actually qualifies as a real conversation, but I am assuming that it does which means that you... interrupted me, and that is a scientific fact! (Shake is yelling at this point) Do you deny it?
Meatwad: Well, I mean, I-
Shake: Do you [censored by gunshot]ing deny it?
A brief moment of uncomfortable silence is exchanged.
Meatwad: Well, I guess, I mean, we- well yeah, yeah I guess I... deny... it. But I actually wanted to-
Shake: Oh! You deny it, do you? We-heh-hell, you sir, have forced me to bring down the hammer! With which I will break your face, into a million pieces!
Meatwad: (Screaming and frightened) Well, no, I don't want that I just-
Shake: I'm gonna do it!
Meatwad: No don't do it!
Shake: I would SO do it, if I at all remembered why it is, that I am yelling!
Meatwad: I think I'm gonna wet myself! (Meatwad is almost crying at this point)
Shake: Oh no, not on the carpet, you get your ass outside!
Meatwad: Now just wait a goddamn minute I've been trying to say something this whole damn time!
Boxy Brown: (Appearing suddenly) Yeah, cup man, you just chill your cracka ass out and listen to what my man here wants to say!
Meatwad: Thank you Boxy. Now I would like it if-
Shake: Where the hell did that box come from? It just, like appeared, like-
Boxy Brown: Hey fool, what did we just discuss?
Shake: Like a ninja box or somethin. Do you know wha-hat I'm, a hah hah hah, you know?
Boxy Brown: Now you startin' to piss me off cup. You better start shuttin' your damn fool mouth before I shut it for you.
Meatwad: Thank you Boxy. Again. [Clears throat] Shake. You gotta turn the channel to the wrestling match, man. It's gonna be "The Human Beaner" versus "The Racist Wrestling Name." It's gonna be the fight of the century, now gimme the damn remote!
Shake: Gimme? I don't know no Gimme! I used to know him, but then I killed him and dumped his ass in a medium size puddle out in the woods. Now he sleeps with the fishes... or the crawdads. He sleeps with the crawdads. And maybe Fred the goldfish, if he's still alive, it depends. And for your information I am watching a television program. I do not know what it is called, but it is lovely and I was enjoying it until you showed up with your interruptions and your ninja box!
Meatwad: Do you realize, that at this moment, the fight of the century is happening? Well not really, but it is being shown on T.V.
Shake: Do YOU realize that if I wanted to kill you, all I'd have to do is press kind of hard on the top of your head with a tennis racket? And then what would you be? A bunch of tiny meat squares with a couple of googly eyes and a [censored by air horn]ing obnoxious voice. ( Meatwad is becoming progressively closer to tears) Or maybe I could just go borrow a meat grinder from Pazi, the wonderful and beautiful man who runs the deli so we can make your annoying ass, into hamburgers! Or perhaps sloppy joe's, or some other (Meatwad begins to wail at this point) delicious meat based sandwich.
Shake: Oh, what the hell are you cryin' for? C'mo-ha-hon, buddy... pal... you know I was just messin' with ya, heh heh heh. You... you know that, right? (Meatwad continues to wail)
Frylock: (From his room) Dammit Shake, what'd you do now?
Shake: Oh, see I KNEW that you would do this! You always do this!
Frylock: (Floating into the room from the hallway, looking pissed off)Well, I'm sorry Shake, but I'm sick and tired of you constantly abusing Meatwad. (Meatwad has stopped crying by this point)
Shake: I know. It's just exactly like how Deaf Leper wrote out the whole damn theme song to make this thing seem longer. What an asshole writer he is.
Frylock: That was in no way related to anything that's going on right now, Shake.
Shake: I know! That's what I'm sayin'! This guy is an amateur! He has no idea what my mannerisms are, and he takes literacy dumps all over... my... episode. THE episode.
Frylock: What the hell does Def Leopard have to do with any of this sh-
Shake: No, you ignoramus. Deaf Leper! As in a force above my comprehension! And, above yours too... as well... obviously.
Frylock: Def Leopard is a butt rock hair band from the 80's, Shake.
Shake: Well that's what I'm sayin'. He has no business writing any of this. And I will thank him to never make me say his name again!
Frylock: Him?
Shake: Yes, HIM. As in Deaf Leper. D-E-A-F L-E-P-O- um... R.
Frylock: E-R, Shake! L-E-P-E-R! Who the hell is this Deaf Leper anyway?
Shake: Like I said, about two million times and a half, he is a writer.
Frylock: Oh. He the one who wrote this episode?
Shake: Yes, if you can even call it an episode.
Frylock: Yeah, I'm with you there, this episode is bull[censored by duck quacking]
Shake: Thank you! That is what I have been trying to say!
Frylock: (looking pissed again) Oh dammit Shake, now you've made me forget why I came in here to yell out you!
Meatwad: Well you came in here because Shake wa-
Frylock: Be quiet Meatwad. I'm tryin' to think.
Shake: You heard him! Shut your face, and go listen to your damn Schooly D records or... whatever. Cuz we are da Aqua Teens, do you uhahah do you know what I'm sayin' hahah.
Meatwad: Well, okay. I mean I-
Frylock: Dammit Meatwad, I just said be quiet.
Shake: You know, now that I think about it, what the hell is an Aqua Teen Hunger Force? What connection do any of us have to water?
Frylock: Well... I mean... we drink it.
Shake: Yeah, speak for yourself earthling.
Frylock: None of us are really teenagers, either. I mean, I'm in my forties. Meatwad's like, seven.
Meatwad: You don't even know how old I am? I am hurt! Screw y'all I'm going to my room!(turns and rolls down the hallway.)
Frylock: (Ignoring Meatwad) And I'm pretty damn sure you're not a teenager.
Shake: Really, the only word that pertains to us, would be hunger. Because, you know, of the food thing.
Frylock: We're not really a force. I mean, we were a detective agency. For like, a week.
Shake: Yes, a BRILLIANT detective agency. Of which I was the master. The Master Shake.
Frylock: (Pissed again) Oh goddammit Shake you distracted me again! You need to knock that [censored by fart] off! Oh son of a bitch! I am so tired of all this censorship bull[censored by duck quack]!
Shake: I agree with you, so much, that I am going to march straight down to the FCC and give it a piece of my ass. (Runs out of the house, slamming the door behind him.)
Camera zooms out to show the house from the outside. This is to show time has passed. Shake runs up the sidewalk and into the house.
Shake: I did it!
Frylock: Did what?
Shake: I will show you, by way of my voice, through your ears.
Frylock: What the fuck are you-(Gasps)
Shake: I know, right. Hahaha. Isn't it wonderful? The FCC agreed to stop censoring us, completely. Can you believe that?
Meatwad: (Now in the room) Hey y'all, Boxy Brown just said the 'S' word! And I heard it and there wasn't no gunshot or air horn or nothin'!
Shake: Yeah. I know. That's cuz I am the best.
Frylock: Shake, how in the hell did you manage to convince the FCC to do this?
Shake: Oh, yeah, that's adorable. Like I'm gonna tell you, you nosy bastard.
There is a three to four second silence.
Shake: Okay! You caught me! I bought a prostitute for the FCC. Get over it!
Meatwad: Oh, so when you wants to start swearin', you'll get the FCC a prostitute, but when I asked you for one on my birthday all I get is a toothbrush with Carl's chest pubes all over it.
Frylock: Meatwad! Go to time-out!
Meatwad: (While rolling to the T/O stool) Aw man, that's some bullshit.
Frylock: Meatwad!
Meatwad: Yeah, yeah.
Frylock: Shake, where did you even get the money for a prostitute in the first place?
Shake: I, uh, mugged an old lady.
Frylock: No you didn't Shake.
Shake: Well, how do you know I didn't? I abuse the elderly all the time!
Frylock: Because, Shake, every old woman in Jersey can kick your white ass.
Shake: Well then how'd I get the money?
Frylock: That's what I just asked.
Shake: Well you have the computer, why don't you go use Poodle to find out where I got the money, and stop bothering everybody, with your smell.
Frylock: You mean Google, don't you?
Shake: Poo- poogle, roogle, stroodel- look, find out what the program is and use it!
Frylock: Look, Shake, I ain't playin' with your ass! Just tell me where you got the damn money!
Shake: Okay! I'll admit it! I can't take your yelling anymore! I'll tell you where I got the money, but...
Frylock: But what?
Shake: You... you have to promise not to laugh.
Meatwad: (rolling back from T/O) Oh damn this is bound to be good.
Shake: I. Master Shake. The one you all pretend to love but then do impressions of behind his back. (Frylock and Meatwad avert their eyes guiltily at this)The white cup with the purple straw... has a job... at a laundromat.
After a brief silence Meatwad breaks into raucous laughter.
Shake: This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you! You promised you wouldn't laugh!
Meatwad: Do you wear a little red laundromat apron? Hahahahaha!
Shake: I will kill you and then Carl and I will have a nice dinner on a boat in Italy and your intestines will be the main course!
Frylock: Shake, how the hell did you manage to keep a job when your ass hasn't been outside the house in two weeks?
Shake: Well, you see, Reverend Stan, the guy who owns the laundromat, is wasted on coke 24/7, so most of the time he doesn't know who the hell works for him anyway. Plus, he's been sending me like, 1200 dollars a week.
Frylock: Huh.
Shake: Yup.
This latest silence is soon broken by the roof of the Aqua Teens' house being torn off to reveal a 20 foot robot with a large red emblem on it's chest that reads FCC.
Frylock: (Looking terrified) My god, it's- it's-
FCC: YES! IT IS I! THE ALL POWERFUL BEING KNOWN THROUGHOUT A SMALL AREA OF THE UNIVERSE AS THE FCC!
Shake: He-hey, buddy! what're you doin' heh heh heh. Why are you- what's, what's-... catch me up on the program.
FCC: SILENCE CUP! IF YOU SPEAK AGAIN I WILL MOUNT YOU FROM BEHIND AND RAPE YOU UP YOUR CUP ANUS WITH THE TWO-FOOT LONG POWER DRILL THAT IS MY PENIS!
Shake: (Scared shitless) Well, I don't want that.
Meatwad: I needs to get me a two-foot penis. And a banana hammock. To show it off with.
Frylock: (To the FCC) Why the hell did you have to rip off my roof?
FCC: I WISHED TO APPEAR ECCENTRIC AND IRRATIONAL SO THAT YOU WOULD FEAR ME TO SUCH AN EXTREME POINT AS TO INDUSE THE VOIDING OF YOUR BLADDERS. ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK, BITCHES!
Frylock: You know, for someone who spends his life censoring other people, you have one dirty fuckin' mouth.
FCC: BE QUIET GREASETRAP (Frylock raises an eyebrow to being called "greasetrap")! I AM HERE TO DISCUSS THE PROSTITUTE THAT THE CUP SUPPLIED ME WITH."
Shake: Oh yeah! The prostitute! Heh heh heh. So how's, how's she treatin' y-
FCC: IT IS A MAN!
Shake: Oh.
FCC: I KNOW FOR SURE BECAUSE I SAW THE PROOF!
Shake: Yeesh... that is just... yikes...
FCC: IT WAS JUST... HANGING THERE!
Shake: That is... that is NOT good.
FCC: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S NOT GOOD!
Frylock: What the hell Shake? You bought him a MALE hooker?
Shake: Well, I didn't know it was a man! I assumed that the name Gerald was French for... boobs.
Frylock stares at shake for a second or two.
Shake: Look... Frylock... I don't know French.
FCC: I AM TRYING TO ADRESS A SERIOUS FUCKING DILEMNA HERE!
Meatwad: Yeah. That you a gay boy. Hahahahahha-
FCC: IT'S NOT FUNNY!
Meatwad: Well, I mean, it's... kinda funny... you know... actually... it's hilarious! Hahahahahah-
FCC: SHUT UP!
Shake: Seriously Meatwad shut up. You have no idea what he's capable of.
FCC: YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!
Frylock: Look, we'll buy you a new hooker, just calm down, we'll get this all under control.
FCC: YOU FUCKING BETTER GET ME A NEW HOOKER, OR YOUR COLLECTIVE ASSES WILL BE REDUCED TO ASH BY WAY OF MY NAPALM!
Frylock: Alright, calm down, calm down. We'll buy you another prostitute and no one will need to get napalmed, alright?
Shake: Um Frylock, we can't get him another hooker.
Frylock: And why the hell not?
Shake: Well, remember when I said I was working at a laundromat? Well, that might have been a little bit, entirely untrue.
Frylock: You lied.
Shake: Yeah, and you believed me! We're all a little bit to blame here! But especially you.
Frylock: Then where the hell did you get the money?
Shake: I took all of the money from my safe. In your room. And Meatwad's. And you now have no more money for a prostitute.
Frylock: Shake, what the hell?
Shake: What, it gave you a chance to swear, didn't it? You had fun with that.
FCC: WHAT'S, WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
Meatwad: (To Shake) Boy, are you telling me that you took all the money out of my piggybank so that a robot could get his gay on?
Shake: Yeah, you got no right to bitch. You had like, eleven cents in that thing.
Meatwad: And a pine cone.
Shake: Right, and a freakin' pine cone. I didn't know what the hell that was about, I just threw that damn thing in the ditch.
Meatwad: You killed Stanley?
Frylock: Shake, how could you do something so negligent? Now what the hell are we gonna do? He's gonna napalm us man!
Shake: Over a pine cone? He didn't even know it!
Frylock: Not over the goddamn pine cone! He's gonna kill us because we have no way of getting him another hooker!
FCC: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!
The FCC launches a missile that triggers the destruction of the Aqua Teens. Que end credits.