This is pure self-indulgent fix-it fic, because those endings are a whole load of wtf (as far as I'm concerned, anyway). Inspired by the player indoctrination theory from the BSN. SPOILERS, obviously, for endgame.
She was so tired.
In all her battles and struggles, she had never before felt a tiredness like this. It weighed her down and pressed upon her shoulders and felt like it could push her to the ground at any moment. It was a deep ache, more painful than her extensive physical wounds. She tried to block out the pain. Everything felt wrong. Ghosts and regrets clouded her mind, and there were whispers in her ear like a song the colour of oily shadows.
Where had she heard that phrase before? It was difficult to think straight while the Catalyst stood at her back, waiting. This strange place was hard to reconcile as being part of the Citadel; it seemed to buzz with something...something not right. But she couldn't figure out what it was. Her mind wavered; uncharacteristically dull and unresponsive, still trying to process that the Illusive Man had been right.
Had he? Could she control the Reapers? Or could she really destroy them at the cost of EDI and the geth?
Or was there something in between? Was that the answer?
She must choose, she knew. And she must choose quickly because the galaxy was falling apart. Earth was burning. She could hear the Reaper ships around them, trying to cut a path to the Crucible. People were dying while she was hesitating.
She had never doubted herself more than she did in that moment.
The cycle will end.
Her mind flashed back to the blast that had knocked her off her feet.
Decimated, is what she had heard on her radio
Her breath hitched. Kaidan and Garrus had been behind her. Had they been…decimated? Or were they still alive on Earth, fighting and waiting for her to save them all?
She had tried so hard to hold onto hope and to keep that hope alive in everyone else. It had become harder and harder to do so, especially after Thessia and despite the efforts of her crew to support her.
Now she felt like that last spark of hope had been snuffed out and that the entire galaxy was going to go dark. Because she couldn't possibly make this choice – she could hardly even stand. It was so difficult to just even breathe, to live, and she was so tired. She wanted peace. She wanted...quiet. She wanted an end to the cycle. She didn't want to lose anyone else. Could she kill EDI? Her friend, the AI, who felt alive? Could she control the Reapers? Could she make the choice to save everyone, but to irrevocably change their DNA against their will?
Shepard had long since accepted the fact that she would die trying to finish this mission. What she couldn't accept as easily was the thought of losing more of her friends.
Synthesis is the final evolution of life, but we need each other to make it happen.
Could it be that simple?
She took a step forward. The Catalyst followed. In front of her was the beam that would change everyone. To her left was the choice to control, to step into a machine and use it to make the Reapers leave. To her right was the choice to destroy, a pistol still clutched in her blood stained hand to help her do so.
You have a difficult decision. Releasing the energy of the crucible will end the cycle, but the mass relays will be destroyed.
The strange voice of the Catalyst played over and over in her head.
The paths are open, but you have to choose.
She took another step towards the beam that would grant this synthesis.
This was it. No matter what, there was no way the Illusive Man had been right. She could never take his choice. This synthesis was her choice, the right choice and the one that would save everyone.
She felt weak, but still she took another shuffling step and her mind was suddenly filled with a buzzing sound – a whisper at first, but quickly getting louder. This is what she must do for peace. They would ascend.
But then she remembered something, and it was like someone had just thrown a bucket of ice cold water over her head.
"I am a vision of the future, Shepard. The evolution of all organic life. This is our destiny. Join Sovereign and experience a true rebirth."
Suddenly, it seemed like a voice was yelling in her head and drowning out the buzzing, telling her all this was wrong. She recognised it immediately.
It was difficult not to recognise your own voice.
She remembered Saren. She remembered her pledge to destroy the Reapers. She remembered everything they had done to her, to humanity, and to the galaxy.
She turned onto the right pathway.
Her broken body shuffled forward at an agonisingly slow pace, and she cursed it and Harbinger and the Illusive man and every single Reaper in existence.
Once she was close enough, she raised her arm. Despite the wavering, her aim was true. She was a damn good soldier, after all.
With the release of the bullet, she felt a surge work it's way through her. Her arm steadied, her back straightened, and her walk became a stride as she moved closer to her target.
She shot again and again, red hot rage boiling through her. Did they think they could control her? She wasn't Saren, and she most definitely wasn't the Illusive Man. She had always, always, set out to destroy the Reapers. And that was what she was going to do.
Her vision cleared, like she'd suddenly come above water, and her mind felt sharper. The feeling of wrong began to ease, and despite her battered body, the ache also began to lift.
Behind her, she felt the Catalyst disappear.
Good riddance.
She still fired, her gun seeming to have an endless supply of bullets, although the rage left her and regret began to creep in. She was destroying the mass relays. She was killing EDI and the geth. She was killing herself, but that was okay if it meant the end of the Reapers. By making it this far, by EDI's existence and the co-operation of the geth and quarian, she had proven that this damned cycle was broken. There could be peace.
There would be peace.
She thought of Joker, and of Anderson, and of everyone who had helped her come this far. Mentally, she thanked them and said goodbye again.
And then she thought of Kaidan and the way he smiled for her.
When everything began coming down and the explosion engulfed her, Shepard was smiling too.
She watched them land on the beautiful garden planet and step out into their lush surroundings. The wind softly blew through the leaves that seemed to come in every shade of green. It would have been the ideal place to build a home and have those babies Anderson seemed to think she'd be good for having.
Kaidan was there, and he was alive. That was enough.
There was no sign of EDI, but she knew Joker would be okay.
She knew that they'd all be okay, and that she could rest.
She felt like she closed her eyes.
She took a breath. A gasp, really.
Out of habit, she opened her eyes only to quickly shut them again as a wave of vertigo washed over her. She lay there, just concentrating on breathing and trying to get her bearings.
Not far off she heard gunfire and the unmistakable screech of a Reaper, along with the sound of aircraft overhead. Had she just woken up in hell? She was very aware she had made some bad decisions in her time, but this was just damn unfair.
She was beginning to get angry again.
Once she felt a little better, she opened her eyes again and found herself staring up into the grey and smoky sky of London. Gingerly, she pulled herself upright, her body screaming in pain and her head swimming again. Again she had to wait a few moments before she could focus, and realised she was lying in a pile of rubble not far off from the Conduit that had transported her up to the Citadel.
Or the Conduit that was supposed to do that. She was beginning to doubt she had ever made it that far at all. Glancing down at herself, she realised her armor was mostly intact. With some difficulty she reached up and pulled off her helmet. It was hard to take stock of her injuries, but her armor hadn't been melted away like it had been on the...in her dream.
Oh yes, she was really angry. Indoctrination, indeed.
She heard a ragged cheering nearby, and she turned with a little difficulty only to see a Reaper fall. Harbinger.
She remembered Sovereign, and how it had been weakened when Saren had broken out of indoctrination.
Huh.
She had no idea if Anderson was still alive, or Kaidan, or Garrus, or any of them. She hoped like hell they were and that whoever was still around had enough sense to send another team into the Conduit after she had fallen. The Reapers had definitely wanted to prevent them from reaching the Citadel.
A few minutes ticked by as she waited, too weak to stand. Her radio was shot to hell, but she found her shotgun within reach and quietly seethed at her inability to move. She recalled everything she could remember about the dream, and now that she'd woken up it was so obvious about how wrong it had all been, but that she hadn't realised at the time. She knew it was no ordinary dream, though. And she was going to get some medi-gel, get her team, get to the Conduit and then blow up every last Reaper even if it killed her...again.
Hopefully she'd get to shoot the Illusive Man in the face on the way, if he was still alive.
Thankfully, it wasn't long before she noticed some krogan approaching, and raised her arm to get their attention. Their leader jogged towards her immediately, gesturing to one of his squad to heal her. The other krogan immediately got to work.
"Shepard."
"Wrex." Her voice croaked a little. Wrex stared at her for a moment, and she saw a look of relief cross his face before he gave a booming laugh.
"Hah! I knew it would take more than a Reaper blast to face to kill you."
Her lips curled into a smirk, the effects of the medi-gel already helping.
"Damn straight."
She was hurting badly, but she'd live. The pain was actually pretty easy for her to ignore right now. She was running on pure adrenaline. But this time she didn't feel drained and hopeless.
She felt very alive and angry and ready to end this. On her terms.
Kaidan crushed her to him, and she gave herself a brief few seconds to enjoy his embrace before getting back to business. Garrus gave his Turian smirk and told her he was glad to wait a bit longer before having that drink. They gave her a brief report – there had been mass confusion after Harbinger's attack, but when the Reaper had suddenly seemed to falter, Joker and a few other ships had helped to bring him down. There were lots of casualties, and even more deaths. It just made her more determined.
She gave them a cursory rundown of what had happened while she'd been unconscious. Neither of them doubted her. Now they stood in front of the Conduit once again.
She faced them while reloading her shotgun with deliberate slowness and speaking in that tone that made everyone within earshot stand a little straighter.
"This time..." She took a deep breath. "This time, we go together."