Title: Long Denials
Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this and I wish that I could make money from having such fun.
Note: Continuing on with my re-evaluation of Season 5 of SGA, this is my fic inspired by episode 3 – Broken Ties. This isn't a fic for anyone who has sympathy for Kanaan. I really struggled with a fic from this episode, not sure why, and this was all that I could think to write, not my best work by far!
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He had left yesterday, all his things packed up and together they had travelled to their people to see him settled in his new home. Torren had been so excited to spend a night in an Athosian tent, and had not seemed to notice that one of his parents had slept in the same tent with him. Teyla had intended to sleep in her old tent, but instead had sat up talking with Halling and others, perhaps in a weak attempt to distract herself from the latest changes in her life. Then when everyone else had gone to sleep, she had dozed lightly by the fire, watching the stars overhead and then the gradual rise of the new sun.
She had spent this morning with her son and then left him with his father, with their people, for a day. It would be the longest she had voluntarily been apart from her son, and knowing that he was not in the city filled her with a lingering anxiety. Tomorrow Torren would return to the city, to spend several days with her, the start of his new life bouncing between his parents and their respective homes.
Now she returned to her quarters, absent of her son and Kanaan. There were spaces around the room, empty spaces where Kanaan's things had rested. There was an emptiness to the place that lingered like a ghost. It seemed a lifetime ago that she had lived in here completely by herself. Before Kanaan and before Torren.
She looked across the room to Torren's area, his bed empty and his toys split into two, and what remained here were hidden away for now.
He was too young to understand the difficulties of an adult life - the complexities of living, of love and a life of purpose. Teyla would give anything to her son, yet she knew that a mother living a life in which she was unhappy would be of no benefit to him. How could she teach him to honour his own opinion and heart, if she did not listen to her own?
Kanaan may have only left the city yesterday, but their separation had actually begun long ago. She could remember when he had first moved into the city, into this room to live alongside her and Torren. She had been happy then, her life closer to her heritage than ever before since leaving Old Athos. Kanaan's possessions had filled her quarters with even more memories and colours of Athos, the incense mixed between her and his favourites. Yet, as time had moved, as Torren had grown and she had continued her missions out through the Gate, those early happier days had dimmed. Torren had learned to walk, to talk and begun to attend the small nursery school established in the city where he was beginning his education that those from Earth could provide for him that New Athos could not. Through them Torren could learn knowledge and skills from other worlds far away. He loved those days, his little eyes bright and his mind full of new knowledge each day after nursery. Yet, his father had not embraced that education himself, and instead had begun to miss their people and the life he had lived with them.
Torren growing so fast and no longer needing them as much, it had become apparent that he had been the hub around which their lives together had turned. The cracks in their relationship had begun to show some time ago, and both of them had ignored them, allowing those minute separations to grow, to widen and to set distance between them that had only concluded for her, and for Kanaan, that they were more invested in being parents together than in being with each other. It had been a painful conversation and one that had been long in coming, through the long months of denial and many nights spent without touching, even to accidently brush an arm against the other's.
Those happy days seemed so long ago, and looking back now, she had to wonder what had truly made her happy? Torren? An Athosian life spent living in Atlantis; her two worlds brought together for her? Or perhaps she had simply enjoyed being loved and having her son to love. She and Kanaan made good parents, she would admit without exaggerated pride. They did well for their son and they had agreed to keep their friendship in place for their son. She knew they could deal with this new change, because they had essentially been living a separated life for some time. They had just ignored that so much had died and that they had been solely focused on Torren and his needs.
She moved across to the large bed and frowned down at it. She had expected more sadness than this, but instead she found herself filled with relief. She wondered why she had lived a life of denial for so long. Torren had been her life, alongside her work. She would admit now that Kanaan had been a small part of that life, even before the cracks had truly begun to form. A life lived in a strange limbo of successful parenthood and work, yet spending her nights lying beside a man who had rarely touched her, and of whom she rarely felt the desire to touch in return. He was a good man and part of her was disappointed that the relationship had not worked, yet if that was so, why had she not fought to save it?
The answer was the same as the answer to all the other questions – they had not loved each other enough. If at all. She cared for Kanaan deeply, and always would, yet that appeared to have not been enough. She had hoped that love would form and grow during their life together, but it never had, instead it had reverted back into friendship, only now with the added element of being a parenting team together.
No, the decision to part had been the right choice and both of them had agreed that. They had tried and it had not worked out. That was the way of life. She had wanted to know if they could have that life as a family and now she had the answer. It was not that they could not live together, or that they couldn't be parents together, instead it was the simple fact that they did not love each other as they should. It was not meant to be.
She turned and set about rearranging her quarters. It was a new beginning and she would honour the past and reflect upon it to learn and develop, but she would not question herself any further. Choices had been made and she had given all she had been able to her relationship, it was just that what she had been prepared to give had not been enough. Kanaan deserved more than that, and she deserved to be happy once again.
She set her preferred incense burning and set out her favourite things on the side again, filling her space with her choices once again. The past two years were not wasted, for she had gained much, including greater insight into her own heart.
The door chimes rang out, and she willingly turned her mind away from over thinking and dwelling internally on what was past, and moved across the room to answer the call.
The doors slid open to reveal John stood outside.
"Hello, John," she greeted him with a smile. She glanced around him to see that he was alone, which surprised her as she had expected the rest of the team to all appear to help lift her spirits, as was their way.
"Heard you were back," he replied with a hesitant smile, so like him to be uncomfortable about anything emotional.
She nodded and stepped back. "Come in," she offered.
However, he didn't move forward, instead remained rooted to the spot just outside her door.
"Just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, his eyes dark compared to the bright overhead light of the hallway outside.
She smiled at his thoughtful comment. "I am fine, thank you," she replied. "Would you like to come in?" She asked, as she stepped back slightly.
His eyes moved away from hers to her quarters behind her and she saw the slight frown to his expression before he met her eyes again.
There was something new to that expression that she hadn't seen before, and she frowned now up at him.
"Is everything alright?" She asked.
"Yeah," he replied his expression softening as he looked away, clearly trying to appear relaxed and normal. Yet, as he looked back at her, the forced casualness disappeared again and she found herself staring into his eyes again. Something was different. He glanced away from her again, into her quarters. He knew Torren wasn't here, so she had to wonder what he was looking for.
She moved forward slightly, drawn by the strange rawness to him that she could not remember feeling from him before. Except, maybe once.
"What is it, John?" She asked, slightly worried now.
The casualness returned and he smiled at her and shook his head. "Nothing, I've been on a long shift. Need some sleep," he replied and though she could see some signs that he was tired, she suspected that more bothered him.
"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, you know, being by yourself again," he added as he rubbed one hand against the back of his neck as if he was very uncomfortable.
She smiled as she sighed. "Yes, I am fine. You do not have to worry about me," she replied with a wider smile, hoping to reassure him.
He nodded again, his eyes on her.
She held his gaze, feeling a little warm under that focused attention.
Two years had passed since she had indeed been by herself, and it had also been that long since she had allowed herself to think more forbidden thoughts, about this man. It seemed that now alone again, those feelings stirred once again, if they had ever really gone. His eyes were dark and very direct, though there was something hesitant in their depths. A new sensation and thought occurred to her from those eyes and just as she was forming them, he blinked and glanced aside.
"Well, good," he said. "If you need, you know, any company, you know where I am, where we are," he corrected. "We were thinking of treating you to a movie night with extra popcorn," he continued with a tempting smile.
She grinned, she had suspected her team would do that, but she was still touched by the thought. "I would love that."
"I'll let the guys know, you can pick the movie as well."
She grinned wider. "I will look forward to it."
John nodded. "We don't want you feeling all lonely."
"I am fine," she assured him. "It was the right choice, and has been a long time coming."
He nodded, as if he understood more than she expected him. Perhaps all the others had seen the distance between her and Kanaan more than she had. A silent pause filled the air, an unusual thing around John.
"Well, now you're gonna have more free time, maybe I can get you surfing at last," he suggested.
She smiled with her surprise. John had occasionally tried to persuade her to join the trips to the mainland where a group from the city enjoyed their sport. Teyla had never been one to enjoy seawater, but the idea of sitting on the beach tempted her.
"Perhaps, I may watch from the beach one day," she replied.
"More of a sun than sea kind of girl, huh?" He asked with a sparkling smile, making her feel that warmth again. Abruptly she felt free to enjoy that warmth, now that she was once again free. Her friendship with John had taken a few knocks over the last few years, but they remained strong, though with a busy life she had not had as much time to sit and laugh with him as she had used to do before her pregnancy. She missed those times.
"Are you sure you do not want to come in for some tea?" She invited him, wishing his company now more than ever.
John looked past her to the room again, seeming hesitant which was unlike him. He often waded in through Torren's toys to sit and play with her son. He had even taken to one of the Athosian teas.
"I have some new white leaf tea," she tempted him.
His eyes met hers with that dark still gaze again. "Lonely already, huh?" He asked, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
"No," she replied, wanting him to understand. "I simply have missed your company," she told him honestly.
She saw the surprise and pleasure in his face that he quickly hid in his soft smile. "Okay," he replied and finally moved forward into her quarters.
Pleased, she moved back as he entered and the doors slid shut behind him, sealing them into the room, and abruptly she felt different about the decision. The empty room around them seemed thick with silence and space, leaving the two of them stood by the door and she realised that she was staring up at him still. And that he was looking down at her as well, and his eyes were once again dark and hesitant with something unsaid.
The air felt warm against her and she felt confused by the sudden increased beat of her heart. Yet, she had always been affected by his handsome presence, by the deep feelings that had gone unexpressed. Now, alone with him in the quarters for the first time in a very long time, she found herself reverting to how she had felt before. The years dropped away, before Kanaan and long before Torren, she had wanted something very different. She remembered her hopes and dreams that something would change between them, and how nothing had. Then things had changed with Kanaan and her friendship with John had almost fractured itself apart. Now, Kanaan was gone and her friendship with John remained. As had these lingering feelings. How, after so much time had passed, were they still part of her, and still so strong?
He blinked and glanced away briefly. "I'm sorry," he said softly, surprising her out of their former silence.
She blinked herself, trying to reorient herself and gather her wandering thoughts and feelings. "What for?" She asked quietly and then realised he was likely just offering his condolences for the end of her relationship.
"I really should get some sleep and he's only just gone," John replied however, his eyes fully on her again. She opened her mouth to answer, but nothing quite arrived as she processed what he meant. His eyes dropped to her mouth. "I don't want to fight this anymore, Teyla," he whispered.
Several replies passed through her mind, but she could not find the breath for any of them, for her heart beat rapidly, her skin flushed and she could only agree with him wholeheartedly.
He moved forward and dipped towards her and she stepped forward, her hands reaching for him with no thought, no question.
His lips met hers in a rush and his arms surrounded her, his kiss full of a passion that seemed to equal hers, that over so many years had been denied and ignored. Now, let loose finally, unrestrained and glorying in the light.
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THE END