Hi Timmy;

So, I just wanted to say that you're-

Well. . .I guess, I just wanted to thank you for just being yourself, Timmy. You really are an amazing person, you know.

So, um, I saw you leave the school with Veronica during lunch today. Not that I was upset or anything about it, I mean, I just passed by and noticed you two, and er, well, I hope you had a good time I guess? I mean, it's Valentine's Day so I don't know if you two were on a date or something, but either way I guess it's not my business.

I just. . . I feel stupid, not getting to say anything to you. I feel like I should, but I know it'll just seem annoying to you. It almost feels like last year, actually. For some reason in the middle of last year, it was bothering me a whole lot how we just sort of got distant. I can't really say we did, but it just felt that way. At the beginning , but then it started to feel like that was sort of dying out.

Especially Prom; I kept on noticing you there, and the entire time I was just itching to go over and say hi to you. At the same time, I didn't want to get in the way- and in a sense, I was kind of hoping that you'd talk to me at some point. Not walk up and ask me to dance or anything like that, but I was waiting for you just to see me and greet me; maybe ask how I was doing, smile, and then walk away. That would've satisfied me, just knowing I wasn't some shadow in the background anymore. If I would've just gotten a simple, "Hey Tootie," that would've been all I needed.

There wasn't any, "Hi," though. Not even a smile.

No, the only time you ever spoke to me was when you said, "Sorry," for accidentally stepping on my foot. . . Which hurt. Not my foot, but just the fact we didn't talk at all. I mean, I wanted to try and talk to you! There was one point where I saw you sitting at a table all by yourself. I was just about to go over and ask to make sure you were okay, but then I saw Veronica get to you before me, and so. . . well, I couldn't. You were already talking with her, and I felt uncomfortable with going over there, so I just left. It felt like if I went over there, I'd just be in the way, so I couldn't do it.

It was only later that I found out Trixie had ditched you at Prom, which I thought was stupid! What girl in their right mind would ditch you? Honestly, I wanted to go and smack Trixie when I heard about that, because you don't deserve to be treated that way. I didn't understand what was going on with you and Trixie, but from what I heard it was really bugging me, and I wondered if that was why you were at the table by yourself at the time. Either way, it got me pretty upset to think someone would ever do that to you. I didn't do or say anything about it, because yeah, it's none of my business. . . but, erh . . . it still stung. I felt like I wanted to do something about it, but there wasn't anything I could do.

Now it almost feels like the same thing is happening again. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I hadn't ever made a move. Just, if I'd never asked you out to Homecoming and all of that.

I don't think I'd ever been as happy as I was then, though.

Literally, I could've been considered the happiest person alive at that moment! When I managed to get the guts to ask you, and you didn't just say, 'yes,' but I also got to see it. That adorable smile you have- that glimpse along with the, 'yes,' to Homecoming. I felt like I had the excitement and joy to run across the world- and I'll admit, I may have over-reacted a bit after that. I was grinning to myself like an idiot, and when I was done being happy about it I actually started to get scared about it. I got worried about how excited I was, and I told myself that I had to make sure it was kept casual, and not made into a big deal. Even while I was telling myself that, though, I realized I was still over-reacting. I was making a big-deal exactly over how to not make it a big deal- and so when school finally ended, I just dropped it.

Not entirely- I mean, I could never just drop something like that. I was still pleased, happy- and really, really grateful that you actually said yes, and I was starting to feel a lot more calm about it, then. I still felt a little embarrassed over how excited I got, and was really ashamed that I let myself get carried away like that. I told myself that next week, I'd just keep myself relaxed, but I dreaded the idea that people misjudged my reaction.

Then my friend had sent me a message- which made everything worse. She started talking to me, saying how upset she was that she didn't ask you to Homecoming before me. All she would mention was how depressed she was that if she would've asked first, then you would have gone with her and that she was, "too slow," and was really disappointed about that. It was making me feel awful! Not just that, but the only thing she cared about was slow-dancing. That was it.

It was bothering me how that was all she complained about. For some reason that really set me on the edge- I mean, she kept on saying she really liked you, but if she did than she shouldn't have just whined about slow-dancing! No, if she actually liked you she wouldn't be wishing for some romantic-cliche couple-dance, she'd be happy enough just getting to stand by your side and spend time with you. I'd be at least. The things she went on about bugged me, because she seemed so picky about it.

Me- I didn't even care about slow-dancing with you. All I wanted was to hang out and spend time with you, that was it! I wanted to have a good time with you; see you laugh and smile, maybe even hug you a couple of times. Slow-dancing would've been sweet (and I probably would've melted, to be honest) but it wasn't like I was expecting something like that!

So, I was pretty much left feeling like a waste during the weekend. I knew none of this should be a big deal (well, even if it kind of was a big deal for me) it made me sick to think it was actually causing anything, but I was sure that would all be gone during next week. When it started, I was ready to move on- I was ready to just go along with everything and still look forward to going to the dance with you, without making it complicated. But then, you walked up and apologized, saying that you couldn't go due to family stuff.

I wasn't thinking anything- it was like my conscious just went along with it. It felt off, and when I saw you walk away that was when it really hit me.

So yeah- I smiled. I smiled, and went, "Oh yeah, no, it's fine-" like it didn't hurt at all. I wasn't acting happy about it, but I was just acting alright with it- which, I sort of forced myself to feel. While I was in front of you, I forced myself to think, "Oh it's okay there's nothing wrong with that-" but the moment you walked away, it felt like everything in me just got crushed. None of it was because of you- after all, it wasn't your fault. Just. . . well, it hurts, you know? Whenever you finally have something you've just started to look forward to, and you get all of your hopes and excitement up when suddenly, you find out: it's gone. Not just that it's gone, but it's as if it was never even there in the first place. It happens to me all the time- I finally have something to be excited for, but just as I'm feeling ready for it and accepting it, it just. . . goes away, almost like the entire thing was just imaginary.

It was like hearing you're about to go to the college of your dreams, and so you get all prepared for it and you're bursting with joy just to find out: Sorry, we sent you the wrong response. You never made it in.

. . . yeah. So, I still tried to act like it wasn't a big deal. Whenever anyone asked me about going to the dance with you, it stung, but I always had to respond with, "Oh. . . he couldn't go." I didn't want to really talk about it at first, but then after a little while I started having this feeling, and I started wondering, what if you didn't have family problems? What if it was just some excuse? I mean, after all I saw you hesitate before saying yes to me. . .

All I did was talk to my friends about it- mentioning how much of a let-down it would be to find out if you went. I mean, not that I didn't want you to be happy! It's just. . . well, if you didn't want to go with me, I'd just want you to tell me that. If you wanted to go with another girl, you could've said that, and I would've been fine. It was bugging me; I didn't think you were lying at all, but all of the, 'what-if's,' behind it made me feel awful. I started to feel like I did something wrong, but I just didn't make any assumptions.

At one point when I was talking to my friend (that very same one who'd messaged me) she actually told me though that she talked with you; and apparently, you told her that you said no because, "It was causing too much drama."

. . .

. . .

Yeah. . . so, I never really decided if that was true or not, but that idea really stung. A lot. Mainly because I wasn't trying to start any drama- I was just happy. I was so happy I could cry about it. And if anyone was starting the drama it was her- right? It just. . . ugh, it sucked. It was awful how all twisted it got, and all I could really do was sit and wait for the dance to happen. I just decided that if I didn't see you there, then you did have family stuff; and, if you were there, then that just meant you didn't want to go with me.

Which, ha, it would make sense. . .

At the dance, when I actually did see you- I didn't know what I was feeling. I couldn't tell whether I felt sick inside, or actually happy to know you were able to enjoy yourself after all. I knew I had to talk to you at some point, though. I remember when I saw you sitting at a table with one of your friends, which seemed like the perfect time to just walk up and say hi. When I did, though, I heard your friend point out, "Tootie-" and you just rolled your eyes and grunted, "Fine!" and I have to say, that really did set me off. I assumed your friend was trying to get you with some chick, and when you saw me you just got frustrated, and I felt kind of hurt when I was greeted like that. At the same time, I felt like I couldn't really blame you for being annoyed.

I know it was stupid for me to ask to talk to you. At first I just wanted to greet you and just sort of chat, but I still wanted to talk to you about things at some point. It was a stupid move, but . . . well, I honestly didn't know what else to do, because I didn't want this whole thing to just slide by like that. Honestly, I don't even remember what point I was trying to make by it- I just knew I wanted to say something. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, though. It was awkward, I know. It was really off trying to explain my feelings out loud- and it felt like everything I said was either the wrong thing to say, or it just wasn't enough.

That night, you told me that there are plenty of guys out there, and that you're, "Nothing special." Which, I actually wanted to laugh about. Saying you're nothing special. . . ha, it's adorable if you actually think that.

The thing is, I'm not just looking for some guy to date me. I'm not like that! Some other girls might be that way, but I'm not. The rest of them just want some man to sweep them off their feet and love them, but. . . well, I'm not looking for that. I don't know, but whenever somebody suggests a boyfriend for me, even if it's a cute one, I'm just not interested. I'll see a guy that I think is cute, but. . . I just, don't feel anything. It's weird, but even if I think a guy is attractive, I won't have any feelings for them.

Then, also at Homecoming, you mentioned that you weren't ready for a relationship— which I get. Then you said that you had, 'tried it a few times with Veronica,' and I'm not really sure what you two have with each other. I've seen you hold hands with her a couple of times and chat, but rarely, so I can't really tell how Veronica is with you.

The thing is, I'm not Veronica though. I'm not Veronica, or Trixie, or any other girl. Of course, I can't really say that I'm better than them, but I'm still just me! Nobody else.

One thing that I can't get off my back though is what an idiot I was when I . . . well, when I asked you to - gah, it's too regretful to even write about. It was stupid. . . unnecessary, I don't know what I was thinking. It's just. . . well, when we talked there was a point where I didn't know what to say to you anymore, even though I still felt like I had to say more. So, I brought up the fact I hadn't had my first kiss yet, and then. . . well, all I did was make things ten-times more awkward I guess.

I'm so embarrassed by that. . . Chester was taunting me about it at one point around AJ, which made me want to go and hide in a dark corner for the rest of the day. Really, I'm so sorry I tried to do that! Well, not actually, 'tried.' I would never try to kiss you- I mean, I asked, but I didn't, "try." If I would've, "tried," then I would've just went for it, but I'd never do that! It's not just because I'm, 'cowardly,' either, but I'd much rather just ask you than try and kiss you off the bat like that! Even though asking made things awkward, in my opinion it was still a better choice than going for it, because I'd rather be rejected than just go and do something you're uncomfortable with.

Actually, I was happy when you rejected me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was. I was glad, because you opened up and I felt like I actually understood you. I realized you really aren't looking for something serious- you just want to have fun! You want things to be simple, and you're just scared that you'll get caught up in some complicated mess if you went out with someone, so you just choose to avoid it. Like you said, it's because you're, 'not ready.' All you want is to enjoy yourself and keep things easy- why be in a relationship when you can just flirt with other girls, right?

What did upset me a little was when we were done talking. I kept asking if things were alright between us, and you responded, "Yeah," but you just. . . I don't know, you seemed really vague when you said that, and everything felt off (they still do, actually.) so I wanted to try and get things fixed. I was trying to act like your friend again and joked around, and suggested to go dance in a fun-kinda-way, but you just seemed more distant and decided to leave. It felt bad to see you walk away like that, and I felt awful for making things so awkward.

I'm still super-embarrassed about it. . . even if it was a while ago, it still sort of haunts me. That memory just keeps on lingering around, even if I'm not thinking about it. It's like some faded scar; even though you don't notice it anymore, it's still there. It still happened. I try to pretend it's nothing, but I guess the only way it would really be nothing would be if I didn't care. I mean, if there was only something else, than none of it would've happened. I felt like we could've just spent a day at Figaro's another day or something, or anywhere you were interested in- I would've been just as happy with something like that.

That was all I wanted in the first place was just to have fun with you. I didn't really care about slow-dancing like my friend did, but I just wanted to have a nice time hanging out with you. That was all. If there was some alternative or something, then I would've been fine. It didn't have to be anything big, but . . . I just, as long as there was something. It didn't matter what it was.

That was why I wrote you that story in Spanish last year, just to try and reach out to you again. It was bothering me a lot that you and I weren't interacting as much anymore- and the fact we didn't even say, "Hi," to each other at Prom, that was what ruined me. THAT was why I read out that whole cliche story in class. I wanted us to talk more, and you don't know how relieved I was later on. I guess it worked, because after that you started saying, "Hi," to me more often and everything! It made me so glad just to have you back, making comments and everything.

Ha, I still remember seeing you at the end of school at the parade- seeing you ride on that float, I still remember that priceless smile you had when you stood up and waved at me. That smile stuck with me throughout the entire summer. It wasn't like I would obsess over it, but at times I would just look back at it, and it always made me feel great just remembering that look on your face. That smile you always get when you're having a good time, it's just beautiful. It's one of the things I'm hoping to see whenever I go to school now. Even if it isn't towards me- if I just get a glimpse of that smile, it'll make my day.

Really, Timmy, you deserve a girl who won't pester or bug you, but a girl who appreciates you more than anything. A girl who actually values having you in their life, and someone who will be open to your interests, even if they're not the same. What you need is a girl who is smart, funny, sweet, attractive, fun, and knows how to make you smile.

And if I was with you, I'd put in all my effort to be that type of girl. Not the type of girl you want, but the type of girl you deserve. I'd do my best to eat healthy and lose weight, just to try and look pretty for you. I'd try to save up my money so that every day on your birthday, I could buy you a gift and surprise you with it. Then on Christmas I wouldn't expect anything from you, but I'd be glad enough just to come over and spend time. Really, if I was with you I wouldn't ask for much, because if I'm being honest— just seeing you happy, with that adorable smile you have, that's all I'd really need from you.

That's what I think is stupid now, is how so many people focus on how the guy treats the girl. Nobody really worries about how girls are treating their guys. Instead all of these other ladies are worried, "Oh is he going to treat me right?" when they should also focus on treating their boyfriends right. That's one thing I really hope Veronica is doing. . . if you guys are dating, or well. . . whoever you're seeing at least. Whoever it is, I hope they notice how lucky they are, because you really are special.

To me at least.

You're the most amazing guy I know. Better yet, you're sweet, you're funny, cute, and you really know how to cheer a person up. Like that time I had no place to sit in English, so I asked if I could sit with you and Chester. Your friend of course was completely against it, but then you told him, "Shut up," and then looked at me and said, "You can sit wherever you want Tootie," which was the nicest thing I'd ever seen. I know you might not remember things like this, but I do- not because I'm obsessive, but just because, well, I treasure moments like that. Not just with you, but with people in general. I hold onto small moments like that because they're valuable to me. They're meaningful, beautiful, and sweet, and I don't mean that in a romantic way, but just, in an appreciative type of way.

Leaning back in her seat, Tootie let out a heavy sigh and checked the time. It was getting really late, so she should really head to sleep soon. A moment passed with her just sitting there, staring at the screen while thinking about the letter she just wrote. There was no way she was going to give this whole thing to Timmy, that was for sure. Even if it did explain all of her feelings. All she ever was was just talk, nothing else. No, she wasn't going to bug Timmy at all. He was probably sick and tired of her little talks about their relationship-and-what-not anyways.

Still, it did make her feel a bit better writing all of this out. Even though Timmy was never going to see it, it was nice to let her feelings out somehow. Did any girl even bother get him a valentine? What if he didn't get anything. . . no girl made him feel special, did they? Or, maybe he was with Veronica. If he was with her, things were probably okay. . . right? Timmy was obviously fine, so. . .

Turning over on her side, Tootie sighed again while pushing aside all of those thoughts.

She should be happy.

Why wasn't she happy?

"Happy Valentine's Day, Timmy. . ." While pulling the sheets closer to her, both of her eyes closed so she had nothing left but the snugness of her blankets, and instead of thinking anything now, all she pictured was him. Timmy, with that cute smile he got when he laughed- that was all she pictured as an empty, lost feeling engulfed her.

I. . . I love you. . .

Author's Note:

Okay, so here's a type of one-sided one-shot I guess. . . sort of? I guess I decided to watch a Fairly Odd Parents episode, and when I saw Tootie in it, it kind of reminded of me when I was younger. To be honest, I use to be a lot like her when I was little. I was obsessive and kind of psychotic in a way, so I figured that maybe she'd turn out like me when she got older?

This is actually based on my own situation right now, so . . . yeah. I wrote it on Valentine's day, and it did help me feel better about it. It's interesting, because this is the first time I've had a crush where I'm not sobbing about, "OH NO HE DOESN'T LIKE ME I HATE MYSELF!" kind of stuff.

It's weird, because these feelings are a lot more settled (and a LOT harder to get rid of for some reason) so I just took them and related them to Tootie. She knows Timmy doesn't like her, but she tolerates that and loves him anyways. Even when she sees him with Veronica, it does hurt, but she's more worried about if Timmy's happy or not. The fact she doesn't know is what bugs her the most, and since they never talk it would seem awkward to walk up and ask about it.

So yeah! They're both in highschool, and before anyone says anything: yes, I know Tootie has kissed Timmy before, but in this she's actually matured a lot so she's more respectful about it. So don't whine to me about how, "Why would you say Tootie wouldn't try to kiss him? She's always trying!" Yeah, maybe when she was like ten, but you'd be surprised at how much people can change in six years.

The interesting thing is that when you have a crush like this, it's not them-not-liking-you-back that gets to you. You don't expect them to snuggle with you and give you presents! What hurts is the fact you can't do that for them. You can't show your real feelings; you have to bundle them up inside of you and act like they don't even exist. . .

. . .which sucks.

YAY FOR UNREQUITED LOVE!