A/N: Not mine no money!
Fandom vs. Internet Provider
Or how to drive your author mad in 6 easy steps…
My name is Stephanie Plum yada yada yada… you all know the drill.
"Babe"
"Oh stuff it, Manoso. And for fuckssake speak in complete sentences for once. S-P-O. Subject, predicate, object. You had an A in English so use what you learned."
"Babe"
"GRRRRRR. I swear Ranger use that fucking Babe one more time without adding anything else I will shoot you with your own gun in the foot."
"In my foot...Babe?"
"Yes, in your foot. I still have use for the rest of that fine body of yours."
Author: "Children I´m trying to write here."
Steph: "Oops. Sorry raven2609."
Ranger: "Raven"
A/N: That is number 1. Smartass Characters.
Morelli: "Oi, I resent that. I have the best ass in Trenton. I´m the Italian Stallion."
"Hey, Cupcake. Looking good. How about Pino´s and a Ranger´s game? Bob and the boy´s miss you."
(Imagine eye roll from Steph, Ranger, The Merry Man and the Author)
A/N: Did you too have a disturbing vision of a ménage-à-trois in your head now? Good I thought I was the only one. I recommend St. Mungo´s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries for brain bleach. Damn I´m already messing up fandom´s ….See what they do to me….
Author: "Morelli! Get lost! You play no role here!"
(He strutted off. Nose in the air and hips swaying big time)
A/N: That´s number 2. Characters that aren´t invited and act like a diva.
Alright let's start again.
My name is Stephanie Plum and I will not repeat all the jobs I did and monikers I earned, you have read all that a million times, so let´s get right down to business.
As you know raven 2609 prefer to write and read fanfiction than to read what our creator Mrs. Janet Evanovich has come up with lately. And I quite agree so I´m happy to play every role you wonderful writers come up with. Well as long as it's BABE! Yeah, yeah, yeah cupcakes, don´t get your knickers in a twist, raven2609 had this and all other stories of hers listed under Ranger M. and Stephanie P. so no surprise I´m a Babe! If you prefer Cupcake go look for Joe M. and Stephanie P.! Geesh it´s not that hard!
Although I´m not opposed to one big happy RangeMan sandwich deluxe! Ladies these are all damn fine men would be a shame to waste them. And I´m willing to share them with you, but just so we are clear HANDS OFF RANGER he is MINE!
Lula: "And hands of my Tankie or I´ll bust a cap in ya ass"
Author: "LULA you are not in the script!" (eye-twitch)
LuLa: "I´m going. I´m going. Geesh, raven you will get a coronary, if you don´t chill. Here eat a donut."
Author: "Thanks, Lula"
A/N: I´m not really a donut girl and I´m doing the Ranger tree and bark diet at the moment. My only treat is Chai Latte and Tea with real sugar. So this is number 3. Character that give the Author sweets and not Chai Latte.
On with the story:
So yesterday (March 15, 2012) our beloved Author raven2609 got up as usual at 6 am. She did her usual morning routine and grabbed a cup of coffee and a cigarette (A/N: Yeah I smoke. So sue me everyone dies little by little every damn day so I can as well as enjoy the ride…). She powered her laptop up read the news and checked her e-mails. And what did she find, besides wonderful reviews? A fucking note from her Phone Company saying they will shut down her phone and internet on Saturday morning until sometime on Sunday or Monday morning. Way to start the day! No chapter uploads the whole weekend….
A/N: This is number 4. Internet Providers who don´t play by the rules.
`You Do Not Shut Down The Internet While The Author Is Posting A Babe FanFiction!`
She shoved that aside for the moment ´cause she had to wake up her kids and send them off to school.
She came back from the bus stop, answered reviews, did her daily chores and penned the Authors Note for Chapter 30 of Betrayal. Telling her beloved readers that there will be NO Betrayal fix for 2 days!
A/N: This is number 5. No review fix for the Author either.
The Author looks around and wonders, `No smartass interruptions for 262 words! Jeez Louise that's a record!`
"Hey, gorgeous your hubby is at work, wanna come and have a wild ride on the Santos Love machine?"
The Author bangs her head on the coffee table. Repeatly.
A/N: That is number 6. Fictional characters that hit on the married and faithful Author.
Author: "Lester Hubertus Santos you hit on me one more time and I´m going to write a Slash one-shot. Starring Lester Santos and Sal The Butcher from OftM."
Lester: "You wouldn´t?"
Author: "Try me!"
Lester: "Oh come on sweet cheeks you know such a good looking piece of pure Testosterone would never play for the other team. I can show you just how manly I am." Eyebrow waggle
Author: "Ok, that´s it."
The Author opens a new page and starts to write.
Love and Lust in unexpected Places
Lester Santos 6´2 and 250 pounds of fine buff man meat opens the door of Sals´ Butcher Shop. Today was the day when he finally manned up. It started two weeks ago when Ranger, his Boss, ordered him to do surveillance on the shop, Lester Santos saw the 400 pounds of smooth male and immediately had a hard on. Sal wasn´t his usual prey. Lester Hubertus Santos very much preferred the lean body of Sally Sweet but sadly Sally was on tour with his band…..
Lester: "STOP. Please oh wonderful raven2609 stop writing this sick crap." He fell to his knees and gave me his biggest puppy dog eyes. "I will never ever hit on you again when you are writing, I swear. Just Please stop."
Stephanie, Ranger and all the other Merry Men were rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off. I think some of them even pissed their pants.
Mission Accomplished.
Author: "OKAY, I hope you have learned your lesson?" ( said sternly)
Lester: "Yes, Ma´am" he nodded reverently
Author: " Just so you know" the Author addressed the others "Anymore funny business and I will write an orgy with all of you and Mistress Grandma Mazur."
Grams: "Damn skippy"
They all shuddered and turned green. HEHEHE
Mission Accomplished. Again.
So where was I? Ah Yes Grandma Mazur wore a tight fitting….
Brzzzz. The Author was stun gunned.
Stephanie: "Dear Readers! Do Not listen to the Author! She has gone completely barking Mad! She had planned to take us(The Plum Universe Characters) out of Betrayal and Almost Lover and sic us on her Internet Provider! See how that turned out! I will Shanghai her now feed her some Meatball Subs (Really no wonder she went mad with that healthy Ranger food! Healthy my ass!) and DESERT! That girl needs DESERT! After she is lucid again I will send her back to Betrayal writing Hell and Damnation.
Please leave her a review that helps her maintaining her sanity!
Thank You!
Your Babe!