A Qui-Gon on Your Couch
by ardavenport
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So, the first thing you want to do to live out your Star Wars fantasy is...
...get a Qui-Gon Jinn.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. But it's not that hard. A little weird science. A few extra dimensions. And BANG! You've got yourself a Qui-Gon. Delivered right to your living room.
You can get anything on ebay.
My credit card is howling, but it's worth it. Really.
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OK. There are a few things that I should have thought of...
First, he wasn't really planning on a stay at my place. He's got missions and stuff to do. And he wanted Obi-Wan.
I thought about it, but getting the two of them would have been way, waaaaaay too expensive. And my place has only one bedroom, and while this is a Star Wars fantasy, there's just no way it could work with both. I had to pick one.
He was upset. I totally understand that and I tried to be supportive. No, I just tried to get out of the way. He was pretty shocked when he looked outside, but he didn't go running out in the street or anything. I was really afraid he'd get away. He did go into the backyard, but none of the neighbors saw him. It was night and he looked up at the stars and the moon for a bit, but you can't really see much in the city.
He nailed me when he came back inside.
I forgot to take the action figures off the bookshelf.
That was my bad.
I pretty much had to give him the whole story about the Star Wars movies a LOT sooner than I had wanted to. Well, I was thinking about skipping that if I could, but that option was pretty much gone. He can be really intimidating. He's pretty big.
He didn't get it at first. I mean, it was like explaining science fiction to my parents. But, I guess he finally got the part about being in a different world.
Of course, he wanted to know how he got here, and how he could get back, but I managed to dodge that one by saying that I had no idea how it happened. He got that calm look on his face and waved his hand in front of me. I swear I felt something, but it didn't work!
Hah! Not so weak-minded, am I, Mr. Jedi?!
He looked a little embarrassed, like he'd just farted or something, and he stopped asking.
He said something about the Force flowing differently in this place.
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Now, I had made some plans. I did arrange to have the week off from work for this. So, I could spend all my time with Qui-Gon. I found out a lot, just the first night.
Qui-Gon Jinn can eat anything. Really. Pizza, donuts, soup, diet drinks, carrots, peanut butter and relish sandwiches on pumpernickel bread. Anything. I guess he has to eat a lot of weird things all the time in the GFFA, so my fridge was no challenge to him.
And he likes cats!
I was so happy, I could have purred myself.
Ten minutes later, I had a Jedi Knight covered with cat hair. Of course, Binky, the white persian, had to go for the dark brown robe and Toottles, the gray tortoise-shell, was all over his lap. Cat hair magnet! Ack!
But then he gets up and wipes it all off. Really. None of it stuck. He just brushed it all off with his hand into a fluff ball and it went into the trash. GFFA clothes. Wow.
It was getting late and I, um, suggested we go to bed. He though that was fine until I said that I only had one bedroom and he could share my bed with me if he wanted. It was pretty lame and stupid, and he said no. I guess it could have gone a lot worse. He wasn't offended or anything. He didn't glare or sneer or anything. Just said no, like he's been asked before and he's said no before.
That was a let down.
Yeah, my bad.
I gave him sheets and blankets and pillows and he took the couch.
The cats slept with Qui-Gon.
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He gets up early. I was hoping not, but he was up with the sun.
He destroyed a lamp. With his lightsaber.
He looked pretty embarrassed about it and I could smell ozone on the pieces. He said that the Force flowed differently in this place again and he wasn't used to it. I told him not to use it in the house. Or the yard, so the neighbors wouldn't see. He offered to compensate me, but a Curoscant credit card doesn't work here. I blew it off. He looks so cute with that guilty look on his face.
First order the day is that Qui-Gon needs regular clothes.
I didn't think ahead about this, but it's not really fair to keep him inside all the time and he can't go out looking like a Jedi. I had to return things to Target twice because I didn't get the sizes right. I got him boxers. He didn't complain.
But in sweatshirt and jeans, with his long hair and beard, he looked like a hippy. Especially wearing flip-flops because I knew I'd never be able to guess his shoe size. It was a bit of a let down.
Except that I did get to see him with his shirt off. THAT made this whole thing worth it. Jedi are BUFF. Yum.
But, y'know, I chickened out on seeing more. He just started taking things off in the living room and I flinched with he got to the pants. I was too embarrassed, because I knew I'd stare and then what would I say to him? He has nice legs. I would have gotten him shorts, if I'd thought about it, but it's a little cold outside for those, anyway.
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So, one thing I didn't plan for is this...
Y'know what the biggest problem with having a Qui-Gon Jinn is?
He looks just like Liam Neeson.
You don't think about it at all until a few people on the street start staring. And then someone jumps and call him "Mr. Neeson." Fortunately, he has no idea what they're talking about, so he's pretty convincing when he says his name is John Wynn (I told him to use that since no one would believe Qui-Gon). But people don't look convinced as they walk away, because he still sounds British. It doesn't matter that Liam Neeson is Irish, either. His voice still sounds like Liam Neeson.
He doesn't really understand the problem until I rent Schindler's List and Batman Begins from Blockbuster.
At least he can still go out in the yard.
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Qui-Gon Jinn picks things up really fast.
And he remembers everything. He learns our letters and how to sound out words from the captioning on the movies. So, it takes him just two videos to learn how to read. Does everyone in the GFFA have a photographic memory?
This is good when you don't have to explain the bathroom to him. And it's nice when showing him how to work the microwave or the dishwasher or the washing machine. You just show him something once and he gets it.
This is not so good when you have to go out to drop something off with your sister and you come back finding the end credits of The Phantom Menace playing on the DVD. And he's got a really serious expression on his face, but won't talk about it. And you know he's just watched the fight with Maul. He says he'd like to look at the other movies, too, but for the first time in my life, I don't want to see them. At least not with him. And would I be altering the space-time continuum in the GFFA or something by letting him know what's supposed to happen? Like who Sidious is?
Well, that cat's out of the bag now.
And it's downright scary when you think about what he could be doing on the internet when you have to go out because you were stupid enough to tell people that you had the week off but were still in town. It's just me on the computer, so I don't even know HOW to set passwords for the machine and they don't make parental controls for Star Wars characters.
He's nice. But after a few days, after he's seen the movies and he stops asking about "this world" because he's seen it on TV--and apparently TV on Coruscant is MUCH worse, with 1000 times more channels, than what we get--you don't have much to say, except talk about the weather and the cats.
After the first thrill...or maybe the second or third...when you really get down to it...
...what you've got is just a big guy sleeping on your couch.
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So, I get back from helping my sister move things out of her basement (why does she have to do that now??) and the living room reeks of ozone. I KNOW he's been using his lightsaber (he's been sleeping with it between the cushions of the couch, too). But the lamps are all fine and I don't see anything burning or smoking, but Qui-Gon has got a look on his face that's just like Binky when she's been on the counters when she thinks I couldn't hear her.
He says he's adjusted to how the Force flows in "this world" now.
That's kind of cool, that the Force flows in my place.
And he's dressed like a Jedi again, which is so much better than the aging hippy look.
And he says he's been on ebay. That's really nice, too.
So, we get online and, my Mastercard is pretty much maxed out, but the Visa will still work...
I hold the cats, to keep them from getting in the way, and he says good-bye to them...that's sooooooo sweet!...a little more weird science and...a few more extra dimensions. And BANG!
No more Jedi.
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OK, I guess Qui-Gon Jinn was a little smarter than I thought he'd be. And I have this massive credit card bill to pay off, so I'm not getting him back anytime soon. But...
...at least he left his robe behind. sigh
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(This story was first posted on tf.n 23-Sep-2006)
Disclaimer: All characters and situations belong to George and Lucasfilm; I'm just playing in their sandbox.