Hello my fellow twilight lovers. This first chapter is a (oneshot) fanfic I was motivated to write due to the unrealistic, in terms of the novel itself, themes and plots which are present in many fanfics I've read. One example of this are the pregnant Bella fanfics. I just wanted to make up a way Bella could actually have gotten pregnant! Please forgive the EXTREME OOC ... for I know this is not at all the way Stephenie Meyer intended for her characters to be used. AND in no way is this meant to burn the authors who write pregnant Bella/Edward stories... (or is it? Ehhh? Just kidding. I love a lot of them). This is only a parody, tho I must add I am a very serious twilight fan). :) I was planning on posting this separately, but I was too lazy, so this will open for my first ever fanfic AN ALIEN SIGHTING. Now enough of my long winded authors note, and onto the disclaimer. :)
Disclaimer: In no way do I own Twilight or any of it's characters. They, the characters, are merely vehicles in which I use to divulge my inner sexual desires, perverted-ness, and any other array of emotions or actions I wish to bestow upon them. I also do not own superman, or any other character I happen to mention in any of my chronicles. :D
And now for the feature presentation:...
TONTO: THE LITTLE SPERM THAT COULD.
By: Luminiferous (I've changed my pen name multiple times. This will be the last! I swear. )
Act I
Scene I.
(epic music... curtain rises. Setting: Bella's balcony.)
(Bella addresses audience:)
Bella: "I am in utter ecstasy. My life could not be better. My bum leg has finally mended, and despite my random and unfounded maladroitness, I can finally walk normally. But... wait. (dramatic pause) I take that back. My Life could be better. More complete. If only... Edward would. ... (brilliant crimson conspicuous blush) ... dare I say it? ... Have sex with me!"
(Bella saunters over to window, trips, and opens doors to balcony which has magically appeared there. She walks out and perches upon the marble railing. Unbeknownst to her, Edward is sitting upon a near tree)
Bella: "O Edward, Edward! Wherefore art thou Edward! Deny thy vain assurance and give in to thy vampirism. Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a mere feebleminded mortal. (It's Romeo and Juliet, in case you didn't get that. Hah)
(Edward leaps to a closer tree, intrigued...)
Edward: "Shall I hear more, or shall I speak this?"
Bella:" 'Tis but thy stubbornness that is my enemy. Thou art myself, though not a vampire. What's a vampire? It is not alive, not dead. ... only... That which I call a rose... Seductively and dangerously beautiful. So Edward, would, if he were not so stubborn, retain that dear perfection which he owns... Without that title. Edward! Constitute thy vampirism! And for thy blood, which is no part of thee, TAKE ALL MYSELF!"
(Edward leaps from tree to Balcony)
(Bella gasps and trips on a leaf the gentle wind stirred.)
Bella: "Inu-yasha!?"
Edward: "..."
Bella: "Edward! ... why doth thou wear a red mans kimono and a long white haired wig?"
Edward: "I'm not... And I hate Inu-yasha!"
(style of speaking switches back to modern English)
Bella: "Oh..." (blushes)
(crickets)
Edward: "Soooooo. I heard you wanted to bang me" (twiddles thumbs and hums Riding Dirty)
Bella: "Oh..." (blushes)
Edward: "I've been thinking, Bella..."
Bella: "Oh? ..." (blushes)
Edward: "I think... there may be a way." (he pauses, and takes Bella's hand)
Bella: "Oh!" (Blushes.)
(curtains close)
Act I
Scene II
(Jazz music plays in background ... wtf?! Setting: Forks High lunchroom)
Bella: "This is it?!"
(Holds what appears to be a retainer. Edward nods and grins his signature crooked smile.)
Edward: "I went to the Orthodontist, and told him I'd like to adjust my overbite. (flashes pearly white teeth).
Bella: "... Wait... how... why... (holds head in confusion). How did you explain the fangs and persuade him to give you a retainer in the first place?!" (Edward flashes crooked smile once again)
Edward: "Easy. I mesmerized him with my profound sex-icity , and told him I was really into the whole punk scene ... so I got porcelain veneer fangs and joined a coven of wannabe vampires."
(Bella stares open mouthed... and then laughs for an hour straight. They get up from the table to head to English)
Bella: "Are you sure this will, you know, work? I mean, not that I'd care if it wouldn't..." (Edward gives her death glare)
Edward: "No matter how hard I bite... the retainer will prevent me from penetrating your skin. 100 satisfaction guaranteed". (smiles adorable lop-sided grin... yet again.)
Act I
Scene III
(Setting: Later that night ... inside... Edward. Told from the point of view of the one and only (literally) TONTO)
(It is dark and cold. Suddenly... there is a jolt ... and a jerk. (OH MY! Someone must be getting down and dirty up there!) A Lone sperm twitches, and gasps for... erm... something...)
Tonto: "What...?! What is happening! What... OH NO! LOYD! BOB! FIONA...mon!!"
(Tonto swims around to look at the millions of dead, frozen fellow brother sperm. He laments for them. With a sudden look of determinedness, he lurches forward, pushing through the dead ... beings... which block his path... out. )
Tonto: "I ... must... make it! For LOYD! FOR BOB! .. FOR... FIONAMON!..." (The movie Rocky theme music begins to play. Tonto emits a loud battle cry, and pushes toward the light at the end of the very dreary, frozen tunnel... there is a BRIGHT FLASH... then... darkness once more).
Act II
Scene IV
(Setting: Edwards sofa.)
(Bella moaned softly as she settles upon Edward's appealingly toned chest. (Sorry dudes and dudettes. No lemons for you! I'm leaving that up to your own creative, corrupt, deviant, and obscene devices) Edward strokes Bella's hair lovingly.)
Bella: "Edward..."
Edward: "Hmmm...?"
Bella: "So, do you think I'm pregnant?!"
Edward: "Nope. My sperm is deeeeeaaaaadddd. Dead as can be. Yup. So dead, their like, dead."
(Tonto can be heard cheering)
Bella: "What was that?"
Edward: "What was what baby?"
Bella: "Oh... (blushes)"
(four months later.. Sitting in Edwards room)
Bella: "Edward... I haven't had my period in four months..."
(awkward silence)
Edward: "Are you stressed?"
Bella: "No."
Edward: "Are you... anorexic?"
Bella: "No!"
Edward: "Are you taking drugs? How about alcohol?"
Bella: "No you dumbsonuvabitch!!!" (goes to vomit in bathroom)
"Edward! Get me some mushrooms, pickles, peanut butter and skittles!"
Edward: " HOLY-! You can't be ..."
(stage goes dark and epic DUNDUNDUN is heard)
(Spotlight appears amid the darkness, and narrator (which happens to be me) emerges)
Narrator a.ka. me: "And that, my friends, is the only logical scenario of which Bella could have gotten pregnant. In the end, Bella gave birth to sextuplets (don't ask how), And both Edward and Bella learned their lesson. ALWAYS USE A CONDOM (Even if you happen to be a vampire)."
THE END!
Thanks for reading this. My friends read it and told me to post it and I did, so tell me what you think! I'll post the real fanfiction AN ALIEN SIGHTING is the next chapter! Thanks everyone! And remember, constructive criticism is loved... so review!
-Luminiferous