He remembers the first time. They were always trying out things together then, just like friends do. First it was smoking, Puck developed a cough after smoking a whole pack. Santana settled for inhaling the smoke and tasting it on his tongue. Next they tried drinking. She stole wine from her mother, he stole gin from his. They mixed it all up with coke and drank without stopping. She threw up and he held her hair. One night they tried sex. Hot, awkward bodies against each other on her satin sheets. Him kissing her collar bone, whispering words he didn't mean in her ear. It hadn't been great, but it didn't matter. They still smoked and drank and slept together.
He doesn't love her. Not in the right way. And she doesn't love him either. But it's a habit. Just like smoking and drinking. It's too easy to call her up. To great her in the doorway, to kiss her and carry her to the bed. It's nothing romantic about it either, it's just too friends who got hooked. He knows her and she knows him. He knows how to kiss her. He knows were to stroke her leg. It's easy being with her. But afterwards he always regrets it.
"I will never love you" she says.
She's naked on his bed, telling him that she hates him. This isn't how it's supposed to be.
"I hate you" he says.
He means it. She's a manipulative little bitch. She's insecure, but tries to hide it with a bad attitude.
"You're such a screw-up" she hisses close to his ear.
He kisses her again. It's just too addicting.
He holds her now. It's night and he's beat. He's tired of fighting. He's tired of fighting with her and he's tired of fighting the pull to be with her.
"Do you think we'll ever be able to be with somebody else?" he asks.
It's a risky question. She get mad.
"I don't know" she answers.
Her voice is weak now. He lost Quinn because of her. She lost Brittany. The addiction is too great. They can't stay away from each other.
"I wish that I loved you" he says, because it's true.
He wishes he and Santana could be an epic couple. That they get married and live in a big house near a lake. But he doesn't love her. He just wants her.
"I know" she answers.
She cuddles close to him, her legs entwining his.
"I'm quitting smoking" he says. "And drinking."
And you. He thinks it, but he can't it out loud. She'll see it as a challenge, to get him to come back. But he has to quit all his addictions.
"Smoking kills" she giggles against his shoulder.
So do you. You're killing me.
"Kiss me" she whispers.
And he kisses her. And he realizes that quitting smoking and drinking will be easy compared to quitting her.