Nothing had ever felt as real as the minute Soubi stood on the rooftop.
Never before had he felt as human as when he stood at the edge of the pavement, leaning over the railing, watching. For the first time, he felt human, and he felt alive. Those people that moved down there, so far below, patients in the hospital courtyard, doctors going into work, commoners on the street—he was the same as them. He was human, just like them. And yet, he wasn't. He was something different, something horrible. Things may have been over and done with for the most part, but he was still here, still alive, still around, still the same being he'd always been. All the other evil had been exterminated—Akame was dead, Seimei was set for execution, all the others who'd worked with them were captured, with the mere exclusion of Soubi himself.
The railing was cold and metal beneath his hands, his skin turning white as he gripped it as if he were holding onto it for dear life, and perhaps he was. The city below remained ever-constant, still moving despite the tyranny and turmoil that had gone on and was still going on. Why? Even though the fight was still occurring, and time seemed to have stopped the moment Seimei was captured, the sun still rose and people still went about their daily business. None of them knew, Soubi realized as he stared down at them from fifteen floors above. None of them knew of the evil that had threatened to tear both their world and the secretive world of Fighters and Sacrifices apart. They were all terrible, oblivious monsters. Selfish bastards.
Could he do it? Would he die? He wasn't supposed to be out here—it was only a day after being woken up from whatever kind of medically induced coma he'd been put in. Would he die? Nothing had quite been able to kill him yet. Seimei hadn't given him permission to die. He hadn't been allowed to—was that the reason he'd survived for so long? He'd been wanting to die for years now, ever since being reclaimed from Ritsuka the first time five—no, four. Soubi often lost track of time.—years ago. He had never had the courage to actually die. Such a pathetic man he was, not even able to rid the world of his dirtied soul and make everyone else happy.
Selfish man, always wanting and wanting more and more, wanting love from those around him, when he knew better than anyone else that he didn't deserve anyone's love, especially that of pure, innocent Ritsuka's.
He wasn't supposed to be up here. That was much was obvious from the multiple warning signs and locked doors, but he'd come up here anyways. Rules didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was gravity, and if it'd be able to thoroughly kill him. He, Agatsuma Soubi, the blank Fighter who'd been claimed by both Beloved and Loveless and had withstood all pain and the breaking of his soul, could easily be killed by falling off of this building. Easily. Because he was human. He was nothing greater, and nothing less. He was human, and gravity could kill him within seconds.
Would there be pain? Would he hit the concrete and feel it? Would he die in a world of pain, the same thing he'd felt greater than anything else all his life? Everything would be over. There would be no more pain, and no despair. He wouldn't feel the tugging of the name at his neck, and he'd no longer feel such breaking, terrifying pain when he looked at Seimei and met his cold, cruel eyes that stared right back at him and told him how much he fucking hated him. Things would be over and done with.
He was a coward, though. He could never do such a thing. He wouldn't be able to. He was too afraid of the pain, and if it didn't succeed. And maybe there truly was something to live for, anyways. After all…
"Soubi!"
Soubi turned, hearing Ritsuka's yell from behind him. A smile crept onto his face, as perfect as ever. Perfect. He had to be perfect. That way Ritsuka would want to keep him, and not throw him away like Seimei had. Ritsuka continued towards him. He was seventeen now, and nearly as tall as Soubi, having grown up a lot over the years. Not much had changed about Ritsuka other than his physical appearance, and Soubi couldn't help but to be happy Ritsuka was still the kind boy he'd always been.
But he didn't deserve him, not after everything that had happened.
"You're not supposed to be up here, Soubi. Let's go back. It's restricted access up here."
And Soubi couldn't help but to hear that little hidden shake in his voice, an obvious sign of fear that he couldn't completely conceal from Soubi. It was that that told Soubi he knew, and he had known exactly what was running through Soubi's head as he stood on the rooftop, looking down and holding onto the railing. He knew, and he feared it, and yet, Soubi wouldn't be able to stop it. He was already too far gone.
…
"Soubi, do you want to know something?"
Soubi didn't answer.
"Do you know why I keep you alive?"
Still no answer. Seimei made a sound of irritation, something that was a cross between a growl and a hiss.
"It's a punishment, Soubi. I have no use for you anymore. I have a better Fighter. I would lose nothing but a source of entertainment if I chose to let you die. This, though…"
He smiled.
"Is your punishment. You've changed, Soubi. You're no longer the obedient dog that I once had. You want to die, don't you? Nothing matters to you. You won't die, though. I won't allow you. You will stay alive and suffer, and I will watch."
And with that, Seimei spared him one last smiling glance and returned to his book as if nothing had just happened. Soubi, on the other hand, wouldn't be able to forget the conversation. It would stick in his mind for months to come.
…
Beloved and Loveless. Two names, two Sacrifices, each contradicting one and other. The name written on Soubi's neck was Beloved. Seven letters that had bound him to a ruthless and cruel master. Those letters had give him life, had made him reborn like a butterfly from a chrysalis, and those letters were killing him, as well. Slowly, of course, from the inside out. First they would tear apart his heart, then his body, and finally, his mind, until there was nothing left of him remaining. Loveless was the name he'd been given, a privilege he'd been granted, a blessing by a kind god. It gave him pure life, and healed him. OWEVER,
It was something kind, something warm and affectionate, something Soubi loved. But it wasn't right.
Soubi had two names. Beloved and Loveless. He was bound to Seimei by Beloved, and he could still feel Seimei, their bond tight and bright still, even after everything. It couldn't be severed, no matter how much Soubi wanted to be Loveless, not unless the name on his neck somehow disappeared. He couldn't have two names. He was only supposed to have one master. Beloved and Loveless. Two names. He was the Fighter for Loveless, as well as the Fighter for Beloved. A person's name was their destiny. Having two names just wasn't possible.
A name was everything to Soubi—Ownership, love, a bond, everything. Without a name, he would be nothing and would have no purpose. The letters were carved deep into his neck, burning every time even the thought of Seimei's execution even so much as crossed his mind. Seimei was his master. Seimei was his god. He couldn't let Seimei die. But Ritsuka was his master, too, and Soubi loved Ritsuka. Two names, two masters. It just wasn't possible. He'd been taught for years to love and obey one person, and one person only. No one else. Only the person who'd given him his name, and no one else. It was impossible to have two names.
Seimei and Ritsuka, two polar opposites. He had a bond with both of them, and that alone was despicable and unheard of. He was only supposed to be loyal to one of them, and yet, he still loved them both. With Ritsuka, it was something pure, something good, normal love. With Seimei, it was attachment, the Fighter-Sacrifice bond that Soubi shared with him. Seimei treated him exactly how he needed to be treated—with disgust and violence. He beat Soubi, reminding him who he belonged to and digging in the fact that Soubi was nothing more than a dog to him and would never be worth more to anyone in their sane mind. Soubi needed Seimei. He needed his presence. He needed the way Soubi treated him. He needed him to feel complete. Otherwise, there was an emptiness that burned, the center of the pain directly at Soubi's neck.
Yet, he hated Seimei. He hated him for everything he'd done, and hated him for the exact same reasons that he needed him. And above all, Soubi hated him for keeping him alive, when he knew just as well as Soubi himself how much his Fighter wanted to die. He'd destroyed Soubi, leaving Ritsuka to pick up the pieces.
He needed Ritsuka, too, even more than he needed Seimei. Ritsuka was the foil to everything Seimei was. He healed Soubi, gave him new life after Seimei destroyed him. He cared, and loved, and treated Soubi as if he were human. He held Soubi and touched him, something Seimei would never do. Even if he wasn't completely human, Ritsuka still treated him like one, never even punishing him when Soubi did something wrong, no matter how much he asked to be hurt and abused. Never had Ritsuka even raised a hand to him, even if Soubi had urged him to.
Beloved and Loveless. He couldn't be both. He could never be both. It just wasn't possible. People only had one name. One destiny. Not two.
…
When Ritsuka found him, he screamed in horror, backing away from the bloodied knife that lay at his feet, clearly realizing that the strange thin, almost translucent substance on the floor was Soubi's own shredded skin. He continued to scream, breathing hard, his voice high, despite his age of seventeen. Soubi watched, his eyesight getting blurry, his mind beginning to grow haze from the large blood loss he was suffering. There was blood all over his hands and the floor, staining his own skin, as well as the linoleum tile, and Ritsuka was staring at it, slowly backing away. When he finally stumbled back against the kitchen counter, Soubi only smiled and said, "I did it, Ritsuka. I did it."
…
Medical report: Septimal Moon council private hospital
Patient's name: Agatsuma Soubi
Examiner's name: Doctor Sagan Nagisa (overseer: Doctor Minami Ritsu)
Date: September 8th, 2012
Condition: (written by examiner) Patient was found in the dorm room of student Aoyagi Ritsuka, reported to have been in the kitchen, unable to stand and quickly losing blood. The source of the blood was reported to be from his neck, and Aoyagi said there was a knife near the patient that clearly had his own blood and remnants of his skin on it. The patient lost too much blood and passed out shortly after.
Diagnoses: It's clear that the patient cut all the skin off of his neck. It's unclear whether this was a suicide attempt or not. It's notable that the patient is a blank Fighter and had the name "Beloved" on his neck.
Treatment: The deep cuts have been treated and must be treated more regularly. The patient must be kept under close watch. The overseer has recommended keeping the patient sedated for now.
Notes:
Due to my history with the patient, my own opinion is biased, and I will let that be known. Soubi-kun is not completely in his right mind, and that much is obvious from what he did today. Soubi-kun took a knife and tried to cut the scar off of his neck, as if he believes that will sever the bond between he and Aoyagi Seimei. He's succeeded, as he had to have graft skin to replace the skin that he cut off. However, Soubi-kun doesn't realize that this hasn't destroyed his bond. It was a useless attempt, whether it was at cutting off his bond with Aoyagi or at suicide. He's alive, at least, and if he'd been left alone much longer, he wouldn't have made it, so it was lucky that Aoyagi Ritsuka found him when he did.
Soubi-kun is a being with a long history of pain and suffering. Things have broken within him, making his gears unable to completely turn. Aoyagi Seimei has a particular fondness for psychological pain. Soubi-kun is suffering the effects of being beaten for no reason at all and destroyed and isolated from others for extended periods of time. It's best for him to be around others more and to be exposed to social situations, as for over a year, Aoyagi Seimei was the only thing Soubi saw. He broke Soubi and is still breaking him from the inside out. Soubi-kun, as much as I hate to say it, probably needs a great deal of psychological help.
I will attempt to give him the help myself, though I doubt that he'll want it. Aoyagi Ritsuka will also help him a great deal. Regardless, it's best that Soubi-kun is at least kept in the psychiatric ward for a while.
-Doctor Minami Ritsu
I knew he wasn't sane. This guy is far, far gone, but Ritsu isn't willing to listen to me when I tell him that. Stubborn bastard! Agatsuma will only do worse, both to himself and to others.
-Doctor Sagan Nagisa
…
To: Sagan Nagisa
From: Minami Ritsu
Date: 9/8/12
Message:
Nagisa! Take that note out of the file. Your personal opinion doesn't matter in the medical field. You should already know that. You're wrong, anyways.
…
To: Minami Ritsu
From: Sagan Nagisa
Date: 9/8/12
Message:
I won't! You put your own opinion in there too! So why shouldn't I?! God, you can be so annoying for a man who can't even see!
…
To: Minami Ritsu
From: Sagan Nagisa
Date: 9/8/12
Message:
And I'm not wrong. That was my professional medical opinion. You may be a psychologist and I may not be, but I can see it better than you. You'll see. And when you do, it'll be too late. You're relying too much on yourself and what you taught him. You really have no idea what he's capable of, even though all of us saw it. He and Seimei nearly destroyed us. You really think he won't try something insane like he did today?
…
To: Sagan Nagisa
From: Minami Ritsu
Date: 9/8/12
Message:
I'm not wrong, either. I taught Soubi-kun better than that. Today wasn't a suicide attempt. He knows not to do something as stupid as that. He can't go against what I've taught him. He won't disobey his master, and I doubt Ritsuka would allow him to die.
…
The first thing Soubi saw when he opened his eyes was the blood. It clouded his vision, making him see red and only red, and the stench of it filling his nose. It cleared quickly, though, and the next thing that Soubi saw was Ritsuka's smiling face right in front of him. The blood hadn't gone, though, and it was smeared on Ritsuka's face, marking his porcelain white skin, tearing his perfect innocence. It was just a small streak of it, right across Ritsuka's face, looking as if it had been there a while so that it didn't drip, but not long enough that it wasn't dried. A simple mark on him, and that simple mark filled Soubi with such terrible, bitter anger.
He reached out a hand, resting it on Ritsuka's close face, his thumb moving gently across his cheek, trying to wipe off the blood but only smearing it more on his skin. No… It had to come off. Ritsuka was pure. He couldn't be hurt. No one could dirty him like this. He did it again, still as gently, and Ritsuka smiled, as if he didn't realize what Soubi was doing and thought it was a simple loving caress and nothing more, like he didn't know that someone had dirtied him in such a way. Ritsuka… What had happened? The scent of blood had mostly cleared and was replaced by the stink of antiseptic, a smell that told Soubi he was in the hospital. That much was painfully obvious.
"Hello, Soubi," Ritsuka moved forward, smiling more as he embraced Soubi, wrapping his arms around Soubi's neck and holding him close. Soubi abandoned his previous task, holding Ritsuka and clinging to him. He remembered. He remembered well, what he'd done. And he didn't regret it. He didn't regret it one bit. He remembered the way he'd cut off his own flesh, watching the layers fall to the ground with such sick amusement and gleaming blue eyes. He remembered the pain of it, and feeling of the cold blade cutting beneath his skin, moving inside of him. It'd been an absolutely wonderful pain, a punishment for having two names cast upon him. It had been exhilarating.
But it hadn't worked. Like everyone else, even he himself didn't know what his exact intent had been with what he'd done. He wanted to die, and perhaps part of him had been hoping for that when he'd first picked up the knife. Maybe he'd just wanted the name off of him so that Seimei would no longer have a hold over him. He might've also just wanted to feel the pain again. He didn't know. He didn't care. Whatever the reason, it hadn't worked. He was still alive, had only felt the pain for a short amount of time, and the bond with Seimei was still there. He could feel it, still strong, still pulling, still controlling him. The scar might've been off of his neck, but the bond remained. Seimei was going to be killed and such a thought still made Soubi so god dammed infuriated. That was his Sacrifice. He hated and loved him and everything in-between, but he couldn't let him die. He still needed and craved Seimei's presence. Fighters and Sacrifices weren't supposed to be apart, and Seimei's presence cured that itch he felt within.
Ritsuka held him for a long time before pulling away, smiling, still. The sides of his mouth twitched, giving himself away with his shaky smile. Ritsuka was afraid, terrified. Of what? Soubi? What he'd done? Something else? Soubi could see his sweet face again, and now there was even more blood, the crimson smeared all across his face, both cheeks now, as well as across his nose and lips and… and…
It was from him. His hands. Soubi looked down, seeing the blood all over them, his skin stained by it, the thick, rusty smelling liquid running between every crevice and pore of his hands, having no source as it dripped down onto the thin hospital blankets. Blood. He raised his head, not looking at Ritsuka, glancing around the room to see bloodied handprints and smears on the wall, impossible to ignore and overwhelming to Soubi's current state of mind. There was blood everywhere, and yet no one was doing a thing about it. No one seemed to take notice, even though it was obvious and unable to be ignored. No one else seemed to see it.
"How are you feeling, Soubi?" Ritsuka was speaking softly to him, as if he was afraid he'd break Soubi by speaking too loud. There was no anger neither on his face nor in his voice. Nothing. Just fear. He was trying to hide it, how afraid he was, but Soubi saw if just as clearly as he saw the blood. He was terrified, and Soubi didn't know what of, but he knew he was the cause of it. Had he hurt Ritsuka with this, with putting himself in the hospital? Was Ritsuka not scared of him, but for him? It was just another example of Ritsuka's overly kind personality. Why didn't he punish him? Why didn't he hurt him? He could do so much right now. Soubi was vulnerable. Ritsuka could hit him or slap him or do anything he wanted, really. Anything. And yet he didn't. He let things like this go unpunished.
"Ah…" It was hard to think with this much blood around. He couldn't feel it, but he could see it. It was all over everything, especially his hands, but he couldn't feel it. His hands felt as dry as ever, and when he reached out of softly touch Ritsuka's face again, he still felt nothing but the man's smooth skin beneath his thumb. No one else had said anything about it, and the doctors Soubi could see out of the glass wall of his room did nothing about the blood.
It wasn't there. It wasn't real.
He smiled. Perfect. He had to be perfect. For Ritsuka. Ritsuka could write his name on him now! He could be Ritsuka's! Wasn't Ritsuka happy?! His name, his name! Wouldn't he mark Soubi now? He could be the perfect Fighter for Ritsuka, if he'd be able to be bonded with him. His bond could overtake Seimei's. Seimei's… It would break soon, wouldn't it?! It had to! There was no name left—he'd cut it right off!
"Soubi…" Ritsuka was staring at him, his violet eyes wide in fear. What was it? His smile? Soubi had given him the exact same smile when Ritsuka had found him with the knife. Was that it? He'd seemed so scared that day—why? Soubi couldn't understand why Ritsuka was afraid for him. He would understand if Ritsuka was afraid of him, but not for him. He was an animal, anyways, or at least, barely human. Ritsuka should be punishing him, not worrying about him. After all, he'd done something that Ritsuka didn't like. Seimei would've probably hit him right here in the hospital for something like this, if not done something worse.
"I'm fine, Ritsuka," Smile. He kept on smiling. Everything was alright. He'd let Ritsuka think that. Because everything should be okay. Seimei was captured. Soubi was back with Ritsuka. Everything should be fine and good and nothing should be wrong.
The fear cleared from Ritsuka's face and the other man sat on the bed with him, the blood Soubi was seeing now on the teen's hands, too. He stared at Ritsuka, his own blue eyes wide as he looked at Ritsuka and all the god dammed blood on his face. Fa…ke… It was fake, wasn't it? All in his head. He was just seeing it. It would go away soon. That was all. That was all. That was all.
"Good. Can I lay with you? It's been a long time since I've been able to lay in the same bed as you," Ritsuka moved his hand across the bed, towards Soubi's own hand, leaving smears of blood across the bedspread. Soubi nodded, telling him a happy 'yes, of course.', covering up his own distress, his own inner turmoil. And soon, Ritsuka was curled up with him, nearly as tall as Soubi, the bed sheets horrifyingly bloody between them as Ritsuka allowed Soubi to lay his head on his chest and close his eyes, leaving him only with the heavy scent of blood in his nose, and a need to be punished for what he'd done.
…
Medical report: Septimal Moon council private hospital
Patient's name: Agatsuma Soubi
Examiner's name: Doctor Minami Ritsu (accompanying: Doctor Sagan Nagisa)
Date: September 15th, 2012
Condition: (written by examiner) Soubi-kun was found by Doctor Sagan in his hospital room. He was sitting in the corner, holding his head and complaining about the blood that was on everything.
Diagnoses: Soubi-kun is delusional and having hallucinations. It's unclear the cause of them, but he claims he's been seeing blood everywhere since yesterday, when he was awakened from his sedated sleep.
Treatment: I'll be administering psychiatric help to him, though unless the delusions get worse, I don't believe chemical/drug treatment will be necessary.
Notes:
Perhaps Soubi-kun will heal over more if he's able to see Aoyagi Ritsuka more. I have personally spoken with Aoyagi about the things that are going on with Soubi-kun, and he claims that he'll be able to take care of him and refuses to even raise a violent hand to Soubi-kun, despite whether or not he deserves it. I'm not sure if this will help or harm Soubi-kun, as he was brought up with that sort of treatment and raised to expect and need punishment when making a mistake. However I may disagree with Aoyagi Ritsuka's refusal to punish Soubi even with reason, I do believe that Aoyagi truly does care and love Soubi-kun, and will do his best to take care of him. I think it'd be in his best interests to stay with Aoyagi for a bit of time, rather than in the hospital. After all, Soubi-kun is a boy who hates hospitals and everything of the sort.
-Doctor Minami Ritsu
[REDACTED]
-Doctor Sagan Nagisa
…
Update will be Friday, and then the last chapter will be uploaded on Sunday!
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-CheyWolfe