Disclaimer: I don't have any ownership of Bella, Edward, Jake or anything Twilight related... I am just borrowing the inspiration of their characters for free fun.
Author's note: Bella's shield will evolve with more characteristics than what we are used to from the fabulous saga.
It had been 2 months since I started hanging out with Jake and I was becoming more accustom to the pain. It never went away, but I was learning how to cope. My motivation for thrill seeking with Jake had many fronts, but they all connected to the same outcome. I wanted Edward. That is all that I wanted. Edward equated to life, but my hazy human mind would not allow myself to properly imagine him unless I was truly focused on trying to stay alive so that I might have a chance to see him again… thus all the thrill seeking. It was one day while Jake and I were out on the bikes that I decided to kick the gears up a few notches just as I turned a corner and Jake was a few seconds behind. I turned to figure out Jakes pace, and didn't see the patch of loose gravel in front of me.
In a matter of seconds things changed considerably for me. I waited. I waited for Edward. He didn't come to my mind. And I kept waiting. Where was he? As I was about the collide with the gravel at 80 mph, I suddenly had a thought of self preservation. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to feel any more pain. I wanted Edward, but the real Edward. Not something that was hidden in my mind. I would take that if that is what I must. But I wanted Edward. Hadn't I suffered enough? At least if I am going to hurt it is going to be for me getting my treat of seeing Edward. I know it might seem like a rather strange carrot and stick agreement, but if the fates weren't going to give me my delusions in this manner, then I was going to have to find another way to go about remembering Edward. Hadn't I proven myself worthy of him yet? Hadn't I endured enough? How do I heal?
My arms started to tingle. The tingling continued up my face and down my torso and legs. I couldn't see anything but the darkness and the faint hints of the dust cloud around me. This was it. I was dead. This time I was sure of it. No one could save me. All I could ask for was no more pain. I just wanted this purgatory to end. I either wanted to live and be free or death. I would welcome death. Juliet had said "In that word's death; no words can that woe sound."
Suddenly I noticed the movement had stopped. I had stopped. I dared to look around and take my first glance of heaven. Heaven was green. Heaven was wet. Heaven was the road I was just on with Jake? Heaven was Jake running towards me? Shouldn't that be Edward? Where is my angel?
I lifted my upper body off the ground and took a better look of my surroundings. This couldn't be heaven. I was still alive. But how? As I started to move I noticed that I didn't hurt. Maybe I was in shock? I sat up in place and looked myself over. My clothes weren't even torn. I dragged my hands down my face and through my hair. There wasn't any blood, bumps, or blemishes of gravel. This was odd.
My bike laid on it's side just feet away from me. As I was looking it over from my position I gauged the stance of the set of legs that stood by it. And then I heard laughter.
"Come on Bella, if you wanted to take a break you could of at least put the kick stand down and kept the bike up right. You aren't going to be able to lift this thing on your own."
I stared at Jake. Normally he was so considerate when I was in an accident. Didn't he just see that almost died?
"Oh, yeah. Well I, um, kind of lost my sense of balance when I got to this point."
" You feeling ok? You kind of look out of it."
"Yeah Jake, I'm fine. Actually I am feeling kind of anxious. Butterflys or something. Maybe we should pack up the bikes for the day and head back in."
"Alright, but you were looking pretty good back there. You looked confident." He took a pause. "It was good to see."
"Thanks, I guess. I think it has something to do with my instructor."
"No seriously, you looked focused. Posed. Prepared, as if something was going to just jump out at you, but you were ready for it."
"Well right now I think I am focused on getting home before I get too cold."
"Alright Bells, let's head back. But I think next time we come out with the bikes, you are going to be ready for another route that is a little more exciting."
Great, that's all I need. I almost died today and he wants to go on a more difficult route. Guess I have been holding him back. I can't do that to him too. I did that to Edward. I can't do that to Jake as well. I have to be able to keep up. I have to be an equal.
I didn't have the heart to distress him about my accident. He surely would have called it quits on the bikes or any of the adrenaline junky things we had been doing if I told him how shaken up I was. I still can't believe that not even a thread or hair of mine was truly out of place. The tingling was a least going away. Now it was just the mental tingling of my mind trying to figure things out. Luck I guess. Maybe the fates were finally taking pity of me. Maybe things are going to start getting better. Where was this coming from?… and then it dawned on me. Hope. Hope is a dangerous thing. It can either be our greatest asset or our greatest enemy.