My first The 100 fanfiction. I have watched the whole series in three days because I felt a weirdly strong connection to the characters and now I'm obsessed with it. This fanfiction is set post 2x16, but it's a bit different from the actual show. Lexa didn't make the deal with the Mountain Men and the grounders helped Clarke and the Sky people save everyone inside Mount Weather. The radiation that killed all the Mountain Men happened anyhow and Clarke is still haunted by that night.
CLARKE
It doesn't even feel weird anymore. I might feel safe here, but I keep feeling guilty anyhow. I killed all those innocent people in Mount Weather. I left MY people at camp Jaha without even saying goodbye. I'm disappointed in myself, I've become a monster and I can't forget all those dead bodies on the floor, Jasper holding Maya.. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. It felt like the only possible way to save my people. I'm still sure it was, but the guilt is unbearable most of the time. I can't stop thinking about what it must have felt like. Does it feel like being burned alive ? Does it feel like the acid fog ?
I woke up today and Lexa was sleeping next to me. I smiled, wondering how I got this lucky even after everything I've done. This wasn't the plan, I left camp Jaha to be on my own, because I felt unworthy to be there. I couldn't be their leader, it made me reckless, it made me forget who I really am. I am not a monster who kills hundreds of people with radiation. I did what I did to get my people out of Mount Weather… I never imagined I would have to kill hundreds of people in order to succeed.
I can't be that kind of monster.
I can't.
I was considered a criminal back on the Ark, I was imprisoned for treason. And I thought it was wrong, I thought trying to help my people couldn't be considered treason. I thought they were wrong. I was only trying to help them, I wanted to save them. Look at me now, though, I am a traitor. I killed hundreds of innocent people and left my people to live, to fight, to survive on their own.
I am a traitor.
I wake up every day knowing what I did back in Mount Weather, I can't forget it. I don't think I ever will.
"Clarke."
Her voice startles me.
"Nou get yu daun."
Don't worry.
"I'm not worried, I just can't sleep."
"You never do, though. You need to sleep, you need to rest." She looks at me, gently stroking the back of my hand. "I know you worry about them, but I told you we can go see them whenever you want."
She's been so kind to me, so incredibly understanding, while I've done nothing for her. "I know, we will."
"Taim ?" She asks, looking at me.
When ?
"Mebi nowe."
Perhaps never.
She sighs, because my answer never changes. She gets up, a bit frustrated. I've been difficult to deal with, I know I have, but she's never complained once. She's been there for me, whenever I've needed her. She's left me my space whenever I've asked her to. She's been caring for me since the day I got here. Or rather, since the day she got me here.
"Go back to sleep." She whispers. "It's pretty early."
"What about we go on one of our adventures instead ?" I ask her, hopefully.
"That would be great, maybe we'll get to see the dawn together, for once." She says, smiling.
I look at her and can't help but laugh a little, I oversleep most of the time because I can't really sleep during the night. I keep having nightmares that wake me up and it's hard to fall asleep again after seeing three hundred people laying motionless on the ground because of a choice that I made. I get dressed and we walk together out of her tent. It's pretty early, so no one is up yet and we're free to move around without fearing judgment.
Lexa decided to keep us a secret for a while. After the fight with Roan she feels like she needs to regain the respect that she needs from her people and since they all live with the idea that love is weakness, showing us means admitting to having flaws. I might be seen as her weakness.
We don't want that.
We don't need that.
We enjoy hiking together in the woods, it's relaxing. It makes us both forget how terrible reality can be. We can be together, with no grounders nor sky people around us. We can be ourselves, without having to worry about being leaders. We stop worrying about our people for a couple of hours, it helps us deal with everything that's been happening in the past few months. We don't talk much during our hikes, we enjoy not having to worry about saying the right thing at the right time. We also hold hands a lot, it makes us feel closer than ever. We can't really hold hands at Polis, we can't really be us there.
The woods are our safe place.
"Beja nou bants. " I whisper.
Please do not leave.
She stops and looks at me. Her eyes seem… Curious. She looks like she doesn't understand me. Sometimes I wonder what love is in their culture. I wonder if grounders get married or if they have children just for the sake of their legacy. I wonder if grounders go on dates.
"Nou get yu daun. Osir keryon ste teina, otaim en feva."
Don't worry. Our souls are entwined, always and forever.
I never expected our relationship to turn out like this. I thought I was going the one to make moves, I thought I was going to be the romantic and sweet one. I thought she was going to be distant and kind of cold. And yet, here we are. She's helplessly romantic, always getting me flowers, always reminding me how much she cares about me and I'm mostly silent. I don't even know why.
"I think I'm going to go back to camp Jaha for a while." I tell her.
"Do you want me to come with you ?" She asks.
"No, I need to do this on my own." I feel like taking Lexa with me would make my people see me as someone who abandoned them to go live with the grounders. My plan wasn't exactly to leave them to go live with the grounders. I don't want them to think that I left them to have an easier life. I wanted to be on my own, because I felt like I didn't deserve to have anyone around me or I might get them killed too.
"That's alright, but I'll have you escorted." Of course she will.
"There's no need to..-"
"I want to. Let me do this, please."
I nod. "I'm sure Indra would love to see Octavia."