Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or any part of the Star Trek franchise. I'm not making any money off this and don't intend to ever. This is for pure amusement value.
A/N: Requested on the Star Trek XI kink meme on Livejournal. Prompt in Part 7:
"During the scene on the bridge, when Chekov informs Spock that the planet Vulcan has "minutes", I laughed out loud. The way that Chekov says it, makes it sound exactly like "Mineta" which is a Polish word for... erm... a certain sexual act known as Cunnilingus. Anyway, Uhura knows it, so every time Chekov says "minutes" she can't contain herself until one day she laughs out loud. Chekov is confused and he pushes for the answer, so Uhura explains. Ends with Chekov doing just that to her - turns out, he's really good."
SUCKS TO BE A CUNNING LINGUIST
"Arriving in Hu'wu'skan orbit in sewen minutes, Keptin."
Uhura bit her lip and swallowed three times to stop the inappropriate bubbling of laughter in her throat. By God, she wished she'd never taken that elective in Polish during her first year in the Academy. She wished even more that she had been good enough to not need a Polish tutor who taught her all the words she'd never learn in the proper classroom setting.
But she did take the course, and she hadn't been good enough, and so she had needed that tutor and now she knew what the word meant and she couldn't unknow. She also couldn't unhear, thanks to her extensive training and specialized talent in phonetics. So every time Ensign Chekov said 'minutes' in his, admittedly, adorable accent her mental lexicon picked up on the sequence of phonemes and redirected to the wrong entry. Polish for cunnilingus.
But she could not, and would not react. She'd sworn it to herself. She would never ever surrender to the twelve year old pervy girl deep, deep down inside her. Especially not on the bridge, especially not when one seriously annoying, pervy, doesn't know when to shut up Captain was just waiting for his chance to get her back.
So she pressed her lips together, swallowed hard and thought of fatally sick puppies, populated m-class planets going supernova and giant pyres of burning books, destroying the knowledge, wisdom and creativity of poets and authors in a fanatic attempt to gain control of the world.
"Four minutes, Keptin."
Oh god. She turned up the volume on her communicator and prayed that the hailing signals from Hu'wu'skan would drown out Chekov's voice because she was twelve and not even fatally sick puppies on pyres of burning books on an m-class planet going supernova could do the trick.
"Any new transmissions, Lieutenant?"
Oh, shit. Now Captain smartass had his attention on her and she had to pretend she was not fighting an enormous case of the giggles. "Yes, Captain. They are expecting our arrival and have prepared a greeting ceremony for the diplomatic assembly."
"Two minutes, five seconds."
Oh please make this misery end! Now he was offering seconds. She couldn't do it. She wasn't strong enough.
Her mouth snapped open and she broke down in helpless laughter, the force of it shaking her body as she collapsed over her station, tears of mirth streaming from her eyes and making a hopeless mess of her makeup.
"Lieutenant Uhura, what's going on?"
"Are you unwell, Lieutenant? Perhaps you require medical attention. Your outbreak of hilarity is quite illogical at this moment."
She just waved her arm around, trying to bat off the concerns of the captain and her ex-boyfriend/commanding officer. How the hell was she supposed to explain? She couldn't even stop laughing!
"Please, excuse. I have to…" She dragged herself from her station into the turbolift.
Her stomach hurt she was laughing so hard and she really had no excuse but even as she got into the lift she heard Chekov's voice announce: "Zero point six minutes" and it started all over again.
She pointed at the Ensign and shook her head as the doors swished shut in front of her face.
On the one hand it was very disappointing that McCoy had bought her excuse of rampant hormones making her do it due to the fact that she was at the close of her menstrual cycle. On the other hand, she would not have wanted to explain the real reason why she had broken down into helpless laughter at the most inappropriate time.
She just wished Chekov would never find out. Maybe she should offer him pronunciation lessons though because she just knew if the way he pronounced that particular word didn't change, it would take her forever to get over it.
Think of the devil. When she spotted Chekov coming towards her in the corridors she almost turned tail and ran like a chicken. But she was not a chicken. She was Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, most promising Xenolinguist in Starfleet and communications officer of the most infamous ship and crew to molest the universe ever. She could face down a cute kid with a Russian accent that made her think nasty, dirty thoughts and laugh like a hormonal teenager without breaking down.
"Ensign Chekov." She nodded cordially at him and hastened her step just a little bit.
"Lieutenant Uhura, may I speak vit you?"
Damnit, she needed an excuse. Her shift didn't start for another hour. She had no convenient boyfriend to use for that anymore. "I'm sorry. I have to go through the Hu'wu'skan protocols to prepare Captain Kirk for the official meeting tonight."
"It vill only take a couple of minutes, Lieutenant."
Oh god. Big, doleful puppy eyes and he was so completely, adorably unaware of the sounds coming out of his mouth and she just. Couldn't. Hold it. In.
She snorted and then she shook and then she started laughing again. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I…"
"Vat is so funny, Lieutenant? Haff I done anysing to make you laff at me?"
"It's not…" She covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head, trying to gain control of herself. "The way you say minutes."
His face scrunched up in a frown, eyebrows furrowing and his lower lip protruded in a small, deeply offended pout. "Vis all due respect, I do not sink it's nice of you to make fun of my accent. I haff been trying to impruf but it is not easy."
"No, no!" Without thinking, she reached out and patted the young ensign on the arm. "It's not. I'm not making fun. I'm sorry. It's because I know so many languages and I remember them by sound and the way it sounds when you say minutes."
Oh god, could she seriously defile the boy who was probably the only innocent person on this whole damn ship? Just the way he looked at her screamed 'I'm an innocent, happy kid, don't destroy that'.
"Vat is it?" He crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at her sternly. "It's minutes. Min-netas. Minutes. I do not understand vat is so funny."
She was going to a special place in hell, but she couldn't help it. If he said it one more time she'd just break down and cry from laughing.
"Stop, please. Chekov. It means, oh god, it's Polish for… I can't believe I have to do this. I'm so sorry."
She grabbed his arm and whispered the meaning of the Polish word in his ear.
"Oh."
She blinked in confusion when the young Ensign didn't immediately turn red as a tomato or show any other sign of abject embarrassment and discomfort.
Instead, the kid looked at her with a gleam in his big blue eyes that had entirely too much world knowledge behind it. "I still do not see how zis vould be funny."
"Well, it's…" How could she explain it? It was completely juvenile and she had no excuse but the thought of the utterly innocent Chekov using such a dirty, dirty word and without even being aware of it. "It's you."
The knowing gleam got a little sharper and Chekov cocked his hip challengingly. "Just because I am sewenteen does not mean I do not know about zese sings."
That shut her up. Added to the fact that Chekov - innocent Pavel Chekov! - was totally checking her out! She didn't know if she should be offended or flattered.
"That's…" Something she had never wanted to know.
Because she now had images in her head that had no business being there. Images of big blue eyes and a curly mop of hair poking up from between her thighs and that innocent bow shaped mouth smeared with her juices as she clawed through the synthetic fiber of her standard issue bed sheets.
She needed to get laid. Desperately. Or life on the bridge as she knew it was over.
"You don't belief me?"
Chekov was suddenly very much inside her personal space boundaries and she hated to notice that he smelled really good. Perhaps her excuse to Bones hadn't been so far off the mark after all. It was usually a few days before her period that she got excessively horny and that was the only sane explanation for why she was suddenly staring at Ensign Chekov's mouth and imagining just how that mouth would feel pressed to her most sensitive parts.
"I could show you." That was not the voice of a seventeen year old innocent schoolboy.
"Oh god. Special place in Hell. Very special place in hell." She muttered the words even as she grabbed the front of Chekov's tunic and hauled him close enough so she could crush her lips to his.
It took two minutes to drag him back to her quarters and another three to get both of them naked and on her bed.
Her mental image hadn't done the real thing any justice. There was no shred of innocence or inexperience in the way he went down on her. He showed absolutely no qualms about spreading her legs and holding them open with a firm grip as he dove in and made a meal out of her.
Her eyes rolled back in her head and instead of shredding the sheets her fingers clawed into the mess of curls and held on for dear life as he sucked, licked nibbled and generally drove all common sense out of her head with his teeth, tongue and lips.
"Oh, oh god. Oh, Jesus! Don't stop, right there. Oh, fuck…"
Her mouth started babbling without permission and she might even be switching between different languages but she couldn't think because his tongue was curling and then flicking again and then there was suction and she lost it.
"Pavel!"
When he finally let off and reappeared from between her legs, her vision was swimming around the edges. But she could still clearly see the shit-eating grin on his face as he made himself comfortable on her lower belly, arms languidly slung over her hips to brace his chin.
She was well and truly baffled and pretty sure that the devious Ensign Chekov was very aware and very proud of himself and the fact that he had just reduced her to a puddle of senseless post-orgasmic goo.
"How?" Was all she could ask. Because in a million lightyears she would never have thought, never have dreamed that a seventeen year old boy could ever be so damn good at this.
Pavel just grinned and pressed a smacking kiss just below her belly button.
"Didn't you know, Lieutenant? Cunnilingus vas inwented in Russia."