An Unexpected Twist
(A parody on the supposed ending of "Promise of the last kiss" by m "friend and partner" Kittie Darkhart)
Last chapter of the mentioned fic. Neverland, on board of the "Jolly Roger", late evening/night.
Wendy Darling and the Captain still on the deck. Very fluffy scene.
Hook: …Thou art mine forever, ma belle, as thou shalt ever be…
Wendy (nearly swooning): Oh, yes, mon capitaine, I am yours, and shall be thus forever and ever..
They are going to kiss, but all of a sudden flinch, startled by a hurl of harsh wind, a loud "Crack!"and "Bang!"Then, fromrather creepy green mist (appearing from nowhere – a tribute to ) a strange woman flops onto the deck. She is in her mid-thirties, rather pretty, though her hairstyle and gown are evidently dated back to the Restoration period.
She is gazing around, trying to make out where she is.
The lady: Oh, my goodness, where am I? Wait…a a pirate ship???? Oh, woe upon me!
Hook & Wendy (together): Brimstone and gall!!!
The lady (not noticing any of them at first): Oh, woe upon me! Who will take care of my little ones, now that I am taken prisoner? I don't trust any of these 7 nurses enough to raise my children without my supervision….(Suddenly noticing a rather stunned Captain Hook) Lord, but it cannot be…JAMES!!!
Hook: (rather uneasy) Madam, would you be so kind as to explain your…er…sudden appearance on the board of my ship?
(Wendy stands still, too puzzled to react)
The lady (who was going to faint, but changed her mind) JAMES SCOTT, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!! I was present at your execution, everyone in the court can confirm it! You couldn't have survived!
Wendy (turning pale):Captain, is it true? Does it mean that now you are…you are…
The lady and Wendy (screaming together): UNDEAD!!!
Hook (rather irritated): Ladies, will you please calm down! I am neither dead nor undead. Luckily or not, at present I am very much alive!
The lady (now more self-assured): So, my dearest husband, not so very dead after all, aren't we?
Hook (puzzled): Madam, I do not recall the pleasure…
Wendy: Husband? Captain, you never told me you had a wife!
Hook: Miss Darling, after a couple of centuries on a cursed island you'd have forgotten many things besides your family status!
The lady (now furious) God almighty, have you lost your mind in jail, not remembering your own wife??!!! (Throwing off her cloak)
Hook (stunned) : ANNE???
Wendy: So it is true, then? (shocked)
The lady: Glory halleluhja, now you came to your senses! Yes, Anne Scott, Duchess of Buccleuch, the very one you had married when I only turned twelve!
Wendy (to herself, calculating)…So he was only fourteen at that time and she was twelve! And I used to think my aunt was mental when she told my parents of my becoming a woman at thirteen!
Lady Anne ….but it was very like you – to forget about my existence! The proverb is right, after all – "Like father, like son" What should have I expected from an illegitimate heir of the most libertine monarch of all times! And to think that my own father tried to talk me out of that marriage, but I was foolish enough to..
Hook: My lady, let us not bring up honourable Sir Francis into this. Yes, as it goes, the rumours of my death had been, so to say, greatly exaggerated…
Lady Anne: So you survived and decided not to return to your family but to spend time gallivanting across the seven seas, enjoying yourself!Hook: Anne, you are very much mistaken. All this time I've never been even close to enjoying myself!
(Wendy sends him an indignant look)
Lady Anne: Then, pray, tell me, who is this maid, and why she is in a wedding gown, you filthy bigamist!
Wendy: Madam, I'm not a maid! I am Wendy Moira Angela Darling, and , yes, I was going to marry, but not this husband of yours! I have my own fiancée in London!
Hook (irritated): My lady, spare me your colorful adjectives! Do you suppose I should have stayed here for eternity, alone and unloved? Miss Darling has been …
Lady Anne (sarcastic): …quite lovely, I understand! And you never thought of how alone and unloved I felt in my supposed widowhood? Lord, did it never occur to you to come back to your wedded wife and children you have sired, once you found yourself alive and free? (Nearly sobbing)
Wendy (at a loss for words): Children???? Oh, my!
Hook (uneasy). Anne, al this time I have never been free, to put it mildly…
Lady Anne….Of course, you didn't care – that Isabelle was going to have a coming-out ball, and I had to turn to my parents to cover the expenses; that James is going to Eton next autumn and needs support as well; that poor Anne is sick again and I've spent quite a sum on physicians this winter, and will probably spend more; that Henry is driving me out of my wits with his pranks, and all of them need a father!!! My family have already started talking of my remarrying…
Hook (furious): What? I've been absent for only a couple of centuries , and my in-laws have already forgotten me???
Lady Anne…so I wished upon a star that I could go wherever you are, to be always with you!
I don't care whether this island is enchanted or not, but you'll now follow me back, to fulfill your conjugal and fatherly duties, even if I were to drag you across the ocean without any vessel!
Hook (grave looking): For the greater good, my lady, I shall follow thee!
Lady Anne: Oh, joy, I won't be a single mother anymore! (Suddenly noticing his hook) Goodness, my lord, what has happened to your hand?!
Hook: (carelessly) Nothing to speak of, my lady, just a minor nautical accident…(Turning to Wendy, soberly looking): Wendy, darling, you see, this is a …rather unexpected twist in your otherwise romantic story! Alas, but it seems I have to go back, in my time, and be, for once, not a man of feeling, but a man of duty, like your worthy father! And like , I'll have to put my dreams back into a faraway drawer of my heart…. Farewell!
(Duke and Duchess of Monmouth disappear in the green mist)
Wendy (stops crying) : Farewell, James, my beloved antagonist of my childish stories! You know…I guess now I won't marry Charles, nor Tom, nor Harry (worn-out wedding dress transfigures into a sober gray suite and a high-neck white blouse). I believe I'd better go to Cambridge, no matter how shocked my father and aunt will be. Why, both my favourite authoresses – Jane Austen and Louisa May Alcott – were spinsters, after all! So, good-bye, Neverland! As that notorious Russian Socialist leader said : "To study, to study, and again to study!" – that's what I am going to do now! (Puts on a cheerful smile and disappears from the deck)
Two lonely figures appear from nowhere. One of them, Kittie Darkhart, is dressed like Christine Dae. The other, Katherine Romanenko, aka Katharine NotGtreat, is clad in something reminding of Mina Murray's schoolteacher's dress.
Kittie Darkhart : So, Mistress Romanenko, is that all your doing?
Katherine Romanenko: Aye, Miss Darkhart, that is all my doing?
K.D. And what was that final quote from Vladimir Lenin supposed to signify?
K.R. Oh, nothing in particular, but I thought in old times all Russian were supposed to be quoting Lenin. But we could drop it out if you wish!
K.D. I'd have gladly drop out the whole scene, if I were you! Was it so necessary to spoil such a perfect fluffy ending! Indeed, Kate, you're no romantic at all!
K.R. I am not a romantic anymore - I've been married for eight years now. And besides, you forget I am specializing on humour and satire, not on romance! If you don't like my variant, then write your own ending – you are the author of this fic, after all!
K.D. Of course I will write another ending – after I hand in my course paper and finish reading Ulysses, and…
K.R. I see, so I have time enough to make a break and concede to more earthly things – like raising my own children ,for example! There are only two of them, unlike the seven heirs of our fav villain, but they still need a mother! Until next time! (disappears)
K.D. Until next time, Kate! Just you wait till I am through with my paper, and I'll show you how to write proper fanfiction! (Also disappears)
Loud "Tick-tock, tick-tock".
CURTAIN FALL