Sometimes sitting in the canteen was so boring and tedious I'd use my speedy beanpoles to dash around it, and steal bits of food from all the unaware fools. I didn't need to food of course but it was highly amusing watching them, looking at their plates and wondering where the hell their egg sandwich or some other foul tasting rubbish had gone "It was right here!! I didn't eat it already did I?" thought one " Did my fat face gobble that already? Im so depressed" another.
My family, of course, could watch me with ease as I went from table to table stealing what I could. At first they found it funny, Emmett especially had ,on occasion, joined in too. Because he was such a dumb idiot, he got carried away at times, and ended up bringing back some confused kid to our table instead of a sandwich. A quick growl at whoever the kid was, and we knew our secret would be safe. Who would believe "I was eating my lunch when all of a sudden I was in the arms of Emmett Cullen, at the other side of the canteen! They all then growled in unison! It's true I tell you!" Exactly.
After months of this pitiful game however, I was the only one who still found it funny. The look on their greedy faces was just too priceless to turn down.
Today I had of course been planning another go. I'd been mulling it over during the night and had had this great idea of swapping food for random objects. I could just see it now, the innocent human lifting their "spool full of soup" to their open, hungry mouth to taste a spoon of cat poo instead. Hahahah amazing.
I already had the poo at the ready, hidden deep in my pocket. I had had to settle for dog poo instead though, scrapped fresh this morning from the wheels of my Volvo. Sticking my hand in my pocket, wrapping my fingers around the clumped mess, I sighed in annoyance. It had gone slightly hard. It was never going to be as funny if it didn't mush into their fleshy tongues.
"Edward" Alice thought. I ignored her, still feeling annoyed. "Edward, don't be so disgusting. This game has gone too far! We are meant to be inconspicuous remember!" I didn't show any sign of acknowledging her "For God sake! Can you hear me?"
"No I can't!" I snapped through clenched teeth.
"Well obviously you can.." She spoke now, a slight grin pulling up her mouth. Jasper, Emmett and the bitch we don't speak off didn't bothered to look up. It wasn't uncommon for Alice and I to squabble.
"Get out my glorious face, you sneaking fairy!" I hissed, the annoyance flaring more. She didn't bother to respond this time, obviously aware she'd hit a vampy nerve. I stared around the canteen again, bored out my mind. Why was I even in school exactly? Sometimes I really wanted to smack Carlisle in the face for all his moral ways. What a joke. I could do anything I wanted, I knew everything there was to know. I was the King of knowledge, the smartest of the smarts and yet I still had to come to school, to try and "blend in". I could put poo on peoples spoons if I wanted, who was to tell me otherwise! If it wasn't for Esme and her dead ovaries I'd have been long gone. I just couldn't face hurting her, hearing her distraught thoughts, which I could easily imagine.
" Even my fake child doesn't want me! I fail at life!"
I tried, without success at times, to block out the constant ramblings of the strangers at school but my guard collapsed around the edges when I got annoyed like this. I couldn't concentrate enough to evade all the thoughts.
"Whys is Mike staring at her so much! She isn't that pretty! Phoenix Bitch!" That had to be Jessica Stanley. Her infatuation with Mike Newton was easy to see, regardless of her thoughts. With nothing better to keep me amused I turned to get a look at this she-devil wrecking Jessica's day.
She sat side on to me, her pine cone coloured hair covering her face. Allowing my guard to dissolve, I homed in on the table.
"Bella is a babe, better looking than Jessica, haha, and to think I was about to settle! Jackpot Mikey!" Ugh, he actually referred to himself as "Mikey" I ought to smash his face through the table, just for that. The one named Bella kept her head down, but I could see her small dogs bottom mouth moving ever so slightly. Was she talking to herself? What was she saying? I listened intently. Nothing. Concentrating harder, probably looking like I was doing a massive shit, I tired to listen more carefully. " Wonder if she likes it in the bum?" Mike was getting that dog poo in his food, dried up or not.
I could hear nothing. Not a whisper. Was she disabled or something, brain retarded, a drooling nincompoop? She didn't appear to be. Maybe it was me. I rarely read what my family are thinking, It always lead to things I'd really rather not know, but I allowed it now, just to check I wasn't loosing my epic skill.
"I'm so thirsty! Look at them all, sitting there helpless. It's a canteen and I should be able to eat who I want, A CANTEEN, that kid over there..he'll do, come to me little nipper, Jasper treat you good!"
"I should have played beauty in Beauty and the Beast, I am the definition after all"
"Wish I was ballet Barbie"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I laugh"
No, It was definitely her. She was broken, not me. The bell rang then, so I dashed over and rammed the dried up poo into Mike's crisp packet before he was finished.