Chapter 1 Utas POV

Irony has always been a funny word to me.

Pain is another word I've never been a stranger to.

Pain has always been a part of me. Something that just made me… me. Maybe it was the feeling that I craved. An unconscious habit I could never get rid of. That was the reason I got my first tattoo. I discovered that physical pain could distract me from the moment. I lavished in it, but now something was wrong. Going under the needle had lost its appeal and besides I was running out of space to put them. Nevertheless, I still went under the needle for just that one last rodeo. The symbols of Thalia and Melpomene, the masks of comedy and tragedy.

The needle dug a little too deep and I clamped down on the back of the swiveling chair as I leaned over it. Facing backwards with my torso leaning over the chair I was careful not to move as I watched an old couple pass the window of the tattoo shop. The sight of old people kissing should make me vomit, but I couldn't help but be happy for them. I'd been in the same funk for about four months. I wished that I could have the same thing they did. Sure, I was in love, but my love would never be returned.

What's the problem with unrequited love, you ask?

Well, it just plain freaking sucks.

The problem? Simply put, I was into men and he wasn't. One glance at him and you could tell he wasn't exactly the type to even have an accidental gay dream. I had caught him so many times dreaming of fucking some cunt.

I probably would still love him even if he was less than attractive. Unfortunately, he was the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on. 6 feet tall and about 175 pounds with beautiful shoulder length silver hair. I'm about two inches shorter than him, black hair, with the side shaved, weighing in at 125 pounds. He's well-built to my leaner body. He's better at sports, but it's really never mattered, because neither one of us was really devoted to sports. His body is finely chiseled and it makes my mouth water. It was our first year of college that I decided something needed to be done about my predicament.

You see, Renji and I met when we were twelve and he moved into my neighborhood. If I hadn't thought about being gay before meeting him, then there was no doubt about it after meeting him. It was as if something just clicked between us. I've been in love with him for the last six years of our lives and I'd never told him that I was gay. You ask, why the hell not? We've been friends for six years, right? I should be able to tell him, right?

Wrong.

What if he rejected me and wanted to end our friendship? If he ever found out how I felt, I'd lose my best friend and I'd be left to pine after the only man I'd ever loved.

I didn't want to start our new life in college pretending to be something I wasn't. I wanted to be able to live my life the way I wanted to. And if I was going to do that, then it meant coming out. I mean I didn't want to come out to my family and the people in town, but while I was away at school I could be who I was. I wanted to be able to date guys freely and not try to hide it. Even if I did try to hide it, it wouldn't have been for long and he would have eventually found out. So that's how I found the balls to tell Renji.

A couple of weeks before we were set to leave for college I got my kahunas together. Renji entered my house like always, kissing my mother and high fiving my dad.

"Hey, Uta! Come on! Let's go check out the girls' track race"

The sound of his voice was enough to make me pause at my door. I swallowed hard as he called my name again. My heart leaped against my chest and my nerves tensed up, something I wasn't used to feeling at the sound of my own name. I opened the door and called to him to come up. My hands were starting to sweat and all of a sudden the room that I had slept in since I was a kid seemed too small. Like the walls were closing in. I had it bad. Well, it was then or never.

"What's up?" Renji asked as he made himself comfortable, propping himself up on his right elbow on my freshly made bed.

God, he was so sexy. I can't lose focus.

"I have something very important that I have to tell you."

"What is it? Did you kill somebody?"

"There's really no easy way to say this. And if you don't want to be roommates or friends after this I'll understand. But the fact of the matter is … "

Renji sat up and put his feet on the ground with a serious expression. He was now aware that it wasn't a joking matter.

"Well, the fact is… "I could feel myself starting to sweat.

"Go on. Dude, just tell me already."

"Renji, I'm gay."

Renji looked confused as if my words hadn't registered with him.

"No, you're not. Stop joking."

"I'm totally serious. I'm not joking. I'm gay." I started pacing the room.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him. Maybe I should have just gotten a separate dorm room, but it was too late now. His face was stony and expressionless. I mean that was his usual face for everyone else, but with me it was never like that. I was taken aback by his serious expression. The vein in his twitching jaw seemed like it was getting larger by the second. I couldn't stand his silence any longer.

"Are you going to say anything?" I held myself tightly, one hand on each elbow. "Yell, scream, punch me in the face. Call me a fag?" I was steadily getting frantic. I never thought about how much it would hurt telling him this. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt as if my heart was going to crumble at any second now.

"How long have you known?"

"I've known since I was younger. I'll put it this way. My first wet dream was ackward as hell."

"The whole fucking time! You knew this whole damn time and you never once thought to tell me?"

"I was afraid! Can you blame me? You're my best friend. I was afraid of losing you."

"Your best friend? If I'm supposed to be your best friend, you would have told me!"

"I'll understand if you no longer want to be roomies after this. I'm sorry."

"I don't give a crap about you being gay. I'm your friend and nothing's going to change that, but you kept something like this from me for years. And now you decide to tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I? At first, I was really confused about everything and I didn't understand what was going on with me. I didn't know what you would do once you found out. I was too afraid to lose our friendship."

"Friendship? You're my best friend! You could have told me anything, but now I feel like I don't even know you. You never said a word."

"Renji…"

"I've told you everything. You know everything about me. And now you throw this at me, I don't know a fucking thing about the guy who supposedly calls himself my best friend."

"I didn't want to blindside you in the dorm. It would have been unfair for you to find out that way."

Renji didn't say anything. He took a deep breath put his head in his hands once before sitting back up.

"Well, it doesn't matter."

My heart dropped to my feet. Was my world about to come crashing down around me?

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter that you're gay. I wouldn't care if you hook up with the entire male population of the school. I am and will always be your friend. The only thing that bothers me is that you kept such an important part of yourself hidden away from me. Do you have a boyfriend that I should know about?"

"No, there isn't anyone. I've been too afraid to attempt anything. I've never had any sort of relationship in that way." I couldn't tell him that the only boyfriend I'd ever wanted was him. And he was the only reason I hadn't attempted to branch out.

"So does this mean I'll have to listen to your sexual escapades with men now?" He scratched his head.

"No, I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable." I gave a sheepish half smile, my heart finally back to normal after having finally gotten through one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.