Excerpt from Ian Murphy's latest article for Jump City Uncensored, a well-known (and despised) gossip magazine:
"...and as fascinating as the Teen Titans may be, this reporter is more interested in their adversary. Yes, that's right: we're talking about the man known only as Slade.
He's haunted and terrified Jump City ever since he was first sighted two years ago, yet very little is known about the man behind the mask. Surely, Slade is the Titans' greatest enemy, but there is undoubtedly more to this elusive villain than meets the eye. Jump City clamors to know: Who is Slade?
And Jump City will know. At least, those among her citizens who read Jump City Uncensored will know.
This I swear, my esteemed readers: in one month's time, my interview with Slade will be published exclusively by Jump City Uncensored, or I'll eat my press pass…"
vVvVv
"I'm such a fucking idiot," said Ian Murphy as he yanked at handfuls of his copper hair. "How in the hell am I even supposed to track Slade down, much less get an interview with the guy?" He flopped down on his unmade bed with a groan. "Fuck my life."
He went to turn on the bedside lamp, then remembered the bulb had burnt out a week ago.
"And I don't exactly have the spare cash to be buying shit like lightbulbs," Ian said. He grabbed his pillow and smashed it into his face, feeling like an overdramatic teenager as he did so. Ian had never wanted to punch his past self more, but he settled for a quiet scream into the pillow instead. "What the fuck am I gonna do?"
A moment later, Ian nearly fell out his bed when a series of several bangs echoed throughout his apartment. His downstairs neighbor had evidently taken to the broomstick again and was beating his ceiling with it.
"Oh. My. God," said Ian, rolling out of bed. "Damn you, old man." He walked into his kitchen and found the spot on his floor the banging was coming from. He laid down on the tiles and yelled down, "That's only hurting your own ceiling, you numbskull!"
The banging stopped. Ian sighed happily and pressed his forehead into the cool floor. Not even a second later, he howled in agony as his neighbor slammed the broom into the exact place his head was resting. Ian flipped onto his back and cradled his head.
"That'll teach you not to scream at one in the morning!" Ian's neighbor called up, his voice raspy with old age.
Ian chose not to respond as he lay on his back. I probably deserve this, he thought, shaking his head. It's what I get for being so goddamn stupid.
Eventually, Ian pushed himself into a sitting position and drew his knees up to his chest. He stared sadly at his oven. "My life is over if I don't get this fucking interview," he whispered to the darkness of his kitchen. When no answer magically appeared out of the night, Ian laid back down on the kitchen floor and went to sleep.
vVvVv
It was the morning sun's piercing light that awoke Ian from his rest. He did not want to get up, did not want to shower, and certainly did not want to be a productive human being. He just wanted to lay on his floor and possibly fall into a six-month coma.
"Oh, Sleeping Beauty, I'm so jealous," Ian said. "You get to sleep, you get to be beautiful, and you get to be awakened by the kiss of a handsome prince." He yawned and rubbed his bleary eyes. "And you're royalty, which means you don't have to work a day in your life if you don't want to."
Ian got to his feet. "Speaking of work," he said. "I guess I'll head to the office today. Talk to someone that isn't myself. That'll be nice."
After a quick shower and change of clothes, Ian was in his car and en route to the office of the Jump City Uncensored. He took a sip of coffee from his dented travel mug and tried to think.
If I were a villain, how would someone get in contact with me? The logical answer was the dark web, but Ian didn't want to mess with that shit until he was really, truly, utterly desperate. So, other options. Ian sighed. "It's useless. I'm too damn stressed to think." He pulled into the office's lot and felt himself smile, just a bit. Maybe Ji Yu is in today.
To Ian's surprise, Ji Yu was waiting for him just inside the office's front entrance. She smirked at Ian's confused expression as he quickly crossed the distance between them.
"Hey, buddy," Ji Yu said, still grinning. "How you doing?"
"Godawful," said Ian. "How are you? And how did you know I'd be here?"
The two headed towards the elevator together; both of their desks were on the third floor, and neither of them were inclined to take the stairs this morning.
"I'm great! Running on energy drinks, but other than the fact that I'm beginning to see double, I'm really great," said Ji Yu.
"Did...did you go home last night?" Ian said as the duo stepped into the elevator.
"Nope! I'm working on that piece about whether or not Starfire and Aqualad are dating, remember?"
"Oh yeah," Ian said as the doors closed. "Are they?"
"Nah," said Ji Yu. "I think Aqualad is interested in Speedy, but that's an article for a different day. For now, I'm writing that Starfire and Aqualad are totally crushing on one another."
"Oh. Cool," said Ian as the doors opened on the third floor. He cleared his throat and stepped out of the elevator. "Listen, Ji Yu, I need your help. Like, really need you help."
"With the interview thing? Yeah, that's how I knew you'd be here today. I figured you'd need some kind of help, so here I am. And here you are!" Ji Yu hopped out after Ian and gestured him over to her desk. "Let's talk."
Ian felt some of the tension ebb out of his body. "I owe you one. Hell, I probably owe you everything." He suddenly thought he might cry.
Ji Yu looked at Ian then, really looked at him. "Ian, it's not a big deal, my helping you. Don't worry about it, man."
"But you're already so busy…"
"Ian. Listen to me. You can owe me one, that's only fair. But I'm not so busy that I can't help my best friend. So just try to relax, okay?" Ji Yu placed a hand on Ian's bony shoulder. "Just breathe."
While Ji Yu sat on her desk, Ian collapsed into her chair. Ian ran a hand through his hair and smiled up at Ji Yu.
"Thank you. So much. I really do owe you one."
She waved him off good-naturedly. "Yeah, yeah. Let's get brainstorming, shall we?"
Ian nodded and sat up straighter. "Okay. So my first problem is actually contacting Slade for an interview. I have no idea how to get in touch with him, or even where he is. It was last reported that he's back in Jump, but I don't know if that's still true."
"Let's just assume that he's still here," said Ji Yu. She nibbled on her lower lip. "And…"
"And what?"
"And he might already know you want to talk to him."
"How would Slade possibly know that?" Ian said incredulously.
Ji Yu looked at Ian. "News gets around fast in Jump City. If even one villain or henchman read your article, they probably got word to Slade. Or he just overheard it somehow. The guy's nearly omnipotent when it comes to what's going on in Jump."
"You...you have a point," said Ian. It was odd to think that villains might have actually read his article. Then Ian thought of Slade himself reading the article and Ian felt an almost pleasurable shiver run down his spine.
"Hell yeah I do," Ji Yu said. "The only thing you really have to do is find Slade and somehow convince him to be interviewed by you."
Ian sighed. "You make it sound so easy. I mean, he could kill me."
"Anyone can kill anyone, Ian. The real question is, do you think he would kill you?"
"I...I don't know. There's never been a report of Slade intentionally killing anyone in Jump City, but who the hell knows what he does when he's not in Jump? Or even if all the reports are accurate?"
Now it was Ji Yu's turn to sigh. "Yeah, that's pretty scary. Maybe you should just back out of this, Ian. I don't want you to end up dead over a stupid interview."
Ian rubbed his eyes. "If I back out now, my career is over. The boss would be furious. Plus, I wrote that stupid line about eating my press pass." He hit his own leg. "God, what have I gotten myself into?"
vVvVv
Ian spent the rest of his day trying to figure out what to do while reading through reports on Slade and running to get more energy drinks for Ji Yu. When he headed home at eight p.m., he was exhausted. After a dinner of coffee and leftover pizza, Ian dragged himself into the shower in an attempt to wake himself up. When he emerged, it was ten p.m. and pitch black outside. It was time to get dressed, but not in pajamas.
Ian dug through his closet and drawers until he found a longsleeve black exercise shirt and-shudder-black cargo pants. He'd even managed to find his old grey running shoes.
"Kinda thought I threw these out, but hey, at least they're coming in handy," Ian muttered to himself. As he dressed, he couldn't help but think he had gone completely crazy. Am I really doing this?
But when he looked at himself in the mirror, he felt a sudden surge of confidence. I kinda look like a superhero. All I need is a sweet mask.
"That reminds me," Ian said as he walked into the kitchen. "I might not have a mask, but I do have…" He trailed off as he rifled through his kitchen drawers. "Ah ha. I do have...a taser...and a portable recorder." He laughed half-heartedly. "My weapons of choice."
Ian placed the taser and the recorder in his pants pockets, then hunted around for a camera. He had a little red unit that would fit nicely into another one of his pants' many pockets. A few minutes of searching (and swearing) later, Ian had found it. Miracle of miracles, the camera was still fully charged.
"Thank god I had a belt for these pants, or else they would be on the ground," said Ian as he added the camera to his inventory. He took a deep breath as he realized it was time to go-no backing out now.
"I can do this," Ian said as he walked over to his apartment's largest window.
"I can do this," he said as he opened the window and climbed out.
"I can do this," he said as he dropped down onto the fire escape and began walking up the stairs to the roof.
"I can fucking do this," Ian said as he arrived on the roof of his apartment building.
The night was cool and the moon nearly full; Ian was glad for the extra light, but his knees still shook. He was, after all, preparing to leap off of his building's roof and land on the neighboring roof.
"Never thought that that parkour training would be useful in real life," Ian said shakily. A gust of wind blew through Ian's hair as he approached the edge of the roof and looked down. He instantly regretted his decision when he saw just how high up he really was. Oh god. I'm on the roof of a seven-story building, and I'm gonna jump off of it. What the hell is wrong with me?
But thinking back, he'd always been like this, even back in his high school journalism class. Willing to do almost anything to get a story, an interview, a leg up over the other reporters.
"Guess that's why I ended up working for the Uncensored," said Ian as he backed away from the ledge. "It's who I've always been." And there's no way I'm going to lose it all by failing to get this fucking interview.
Now that he had enough distance to get a running start, Ian set his jaw, took a deep breath, and ran. As the edge of the roof approached, Ian knew he would be unable to stop if he chickened out. His momentum would end up carrying him off the roof and down to his death. So I have to jump. I-have-to-jump!
Ian jumped. For a moment, he felt as though he was suspended in mid-air, neither here nor there. Then he crashed down on the neighboring building's flat roof. He tumbled, tripped, and went sprawling onto his hands and knees.
"Oh, ow ow ow," Ian groaned. "I think I broke my everything. God, I'm such an idiot for doing this." But I can't give up. I mean, I already jumped off one roof. What's twenty more?
He pushed himself to his feet and examined his shaking hands. He had scraped them when he landed, but they weren't bleeding. Good.
Ten minutes and five roofs later, Ian's hands were, in fact, quite bloody. Not good, thought Ian. I should have worn gloves. And now I'm not going to be able to go as far as I wanted to. Damn. He sat down near the edge of the roof and took in the night around him, trying to ignore his throbbing hands.
It was beautiful, even just these few stories closer to the stars. And with the warm glow of Jump City below him, Ian felt oddly at peace. Everything seemed so small from up here, all his worries and obligations.
"A guy could get used to this," said Ian. He pulled his camera out of his pocket, careful not to rub his already-sensitive hands on the cloth of his pants, and turned it on. After a bit of fiddling, Ian managed to switch the camera over into low light mode. He smiled and began taking pictures of the cityscape.
It was only when his camera let out a small, sad beep that Ian realized the thing was almost out of battery life.
"What happened to you being fully charged, huh?" Ian said to the camera, turning it off with a sigh. At least I managed to get some good pics. He checked his watch by the light of the moon and saw that it was only eleven p.m.
"Jesus, it feels like it's past midnight," Ian yawned, putting the camera back in its pocket. "Leaping off roofs really takes it out of you, I guess. How do those superheroes do it?" In the distance, he heard the wailing of a police car and turned to look at his apartment building with its inviting lights.
"Maybe it's time to head back," said Ian. It's not like I can go any further with my hands in this condition, anyway. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and tried to stay alert. Can't be falling asleep on strange roofs, now can we? The only problem was how to get back. This building's fire escape didn't reach the roof, so he would have to find an alternate way to ground level. Perhaps a neighboring building had one?
A few minutes later, Ian had spotted and made the jump to an office building with an adequate fire escape. As he crept down the metal stairs, Ian couldn't help but laugh. I can't believe I'm alive. I mean, I've been jumping off roofs for the past hour! I can't wait to tell Ji Yu!
vVvVv
"You did what last night?!" Ji Yu screamed. She was perched on Ian's desk with an energy drink in her hand and looked horrified.
"Shh, shh, keep it down," Ian whispered loudly. "Please, there's no need to alert the entire office to my late-night escapades."
"Esc-escapades? Ian, you could've gotten seriously hurt! Don't talk to me about escapades!" Ji Yu took a furious gulp of her drink. "Hell's bells, Ian, what were you thinking?"
"I just wanted to find Slade. I-"
Ji Yu cut him off. "And how did you intend to accomplish that by leaping off of buildings in the middle of the night?"
"Uh, well...Heroes and villains are always jumping around on rooftops, so I thought…maybe..."
"You thought you'd be fortunate enough to somehow run into Slade while you were up there." Ji Yu sighed. "Ian, god…"
"I know, I know, I'm an idiot," said Ian. "But I had to do something. I couldn't just spend another night sitting in my apartment thinking about my problems."
Ji Yu sighed again and took another sip of her drink. "Yeah, but did you have to do something so dangerous? I mean, look at your poor hands."
Ian looked. His hands were wrapped in bandages, but they didn't hurt all that badly anymore.
"Ji Yu, I'm fine, really. I actually had fun up there, crazy at that may sound."
Ji Yu gave Ian a small grin. "That does sound pretty crazy. Oh, but you said you took pictures? Can I see 'em?"
"Hell yeah you can. I haven't actually looked at them myself, but I have a feeling they turned out pretty well," said Ian. He popped the sd card out of his camera and slid it into his computer. With a few clicks, he had opened the folder of photos. "Go ahead and flip through."
"Ah, wow, these are nice," said Ji Yu as she looked through the pictures. "I love a good citysca-oh my god."
"What, what's wrong?" Ian yelped. "Did I catch a ghost on film?"
Without looking away from the screen, Ji Yu said, "Just about." She extended a tremoring finger and pointed to the top of a tall building in the upper left of the picture.
Ian squinted and leaned in. "What am I supposed to be seeing here? All I-oh, holy shit." He had finally spotted it-spotted him.