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Harry Potter and all characters and trademarks are copyright to JK Rowling and are not owned by me. No infringement is intended or any money made from this publication. This story may not be reposted without my permission.
Harry Potter:
To the Victor: DespairThe young man with unruly black hair and piercing green eyes sits with his back against the bed-head, staring at nothing. Almost unconsciously, his finger traces the lightening bolt scar on his forehead. Less than a week ago, everything had seemed so simple. Find Lord Voldemort and kill him. Even with the terror and danger of the task, it had all been very clear. Voldemort had to be stopped, and there was no one else who could. Now, though, he's dead and I feel…empty. Like nothing else matters.
All I can think about is this; Lupin, Tonks, Dobby, Fred, Dumbledore, and Sirius. Even Snape. All dead, because of me. If I'd known that would have been the price of defeating Voldemort, then I'd never have done anything. What difference has it really made?
Even the defeat of the most evil wizard that our world has ever known can't make up for the loss of so many kind and brave people. On balance, the world is a worse place now than it was before. All the good I've done in defeating Voldemort means nothing compared to the sorrow that I've caused to so many others.
There was a knock at the door, soft and hesitant.
"Harry? May I come in?" Mrs Weasley called through the door.
Harry did not answer, hoping that she would leave, assuming him to be asleep.
He was disappointed, as the door crept open and Mrs Weasley entered, concern evident on her face, even as she smiled faintly.
Her concern, however, only made Harry feel worse; he did not deserve it, for all the pain and sorrow he had caused her. She'd welcomed him into her family and this was how he repaid them.
"Harry, is everything alright, dear?" She asked, tentatively.
"Yeah. Yeah, of course it is!" Harry answered, trying to sound cheerful.
Mrs Weasley did not look convinced, and she continued;
"You've hardly left this room these last few days, Harry, and you've barely eaten. If there's anything troubling you…"
Harry cut across her:
"I'm fine, Mrs Weasley. I'm just tired. I haven't had that much sleep lately."
"Alright, Harry. I'll be making dinner for around 7, if you're hungry."
"Thanks, Mrs Weasley." Harry replied, watching her leave the room.
He sat for several minutes, before standing up and moving towards his trunk, pulling out his Invisibility Cloak that he'd received from Dumbl…
Harry stamped on that thought before it could blossom, pulling the cloak around him and creeping towards the door, opened it a fraction and peering through the gap. Seeing no-one around, he slipped through the door, closing it quietly behind him, before ghosting down the stairs. He paused at the foot of the stairs, hearing Mrs Weasley's voice.
"…sure he's hiding something, Arthur. He says he's fine, but I can tell something's troubling him."
"Remember all he's been through, Molly, this last year alone. Dumbledore placed a great burden on him, especially for such a young man. I don't know, Molly. I respected Dumbledore, but I can't help feeling angry with him. With all that Harry's been through before this, what chance does he have of a normal life?
Harry's stomach twisted in fear and cold realisation. Unable to listen anymore, he hurried down the hall, slipping through the front door. Lost in his thoughts, he walked aimlessly, not caring where his feet lead him, consumed by a painful awareness.
"What chance does he have of a normal life?"
The thought persisted in Harry's head, until it became an almost physical pain.
How could he ever be happy or at peace, when he had seen and lost so much?
Memories began flooding through his mind, a terrible deluge that he could do nothing to interrupt.
Sirius, falling through the archway in the Department of Mysteries. Lupin and Tonks lying dead in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Ron and Percy digging Fred's body out of the rubble. Hermione's screams as she was tortured at the Malfoy Mansion. The silver knife in Dobby's chest and his empty, glassy eyes staring up at Harry. The terrible longing that he had felt when he saw his parents in the Mirror of Erised. The loss of Hedwig, and the news that Mad-Eye Moody had been killed.
It suddenly became clear to Harry that these thoughts had been with him ever since his defeat of Voldemort, an unconscious torment in the back of his mind. Suddenly, a twig cracked behind him, cutting through his despair with a surge of adrenaline. Swinging round, his wand already drawn, he saw a shadowy figure pointing a wand at him. Without any incantation, a red jet of light shot from the end of the wand and Harry flung himself sideways, yelling "Expelliarmus."
However, the figure ducked and then a familiar voice called:
"Harry? Is that you?"
"Ginny?" Harry asked, standing up slowly without lowering his wand, noticing that she had done the same.
"It's me, Ginny. Lower your wand."
Instead of relaxing, Ginny asked:
"What did Hermione wear as Bridesmaid at Bill and Cho's wedding?"
Harry smiled, grimly. Even though the war had ended, suspicions about Death Eater impostors were hard to put aside.
"Bill married Fleur, not Cho and you were the Bridesmaid, not Hermione. I was there, disguised as your Cousin Martin, remember." He answered, levelly.
"It was 'Cousin Barny', Harry." Ginny said, lowering her wand, sitting on a nearby rock. Harry looked around, realising that he was in the woods near to the Burrow and that he couldn't remember getting there.
Stowing his wand in his back pocket, Harry looked at Ginny and realised that something was wrong. Her clothes were rumpled and had clearly been worn for several days, her hair was unbrushed and she had tear-streaks down her cheeks.
"Ginny, are you alright?" Harry asked, quietly.
"Yeah, I'm…" She broke off with a choked sob, a fresh tear running down her cheek.
Brushing it away with the back of her hand, she smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't want anyone to see me like this."
"I'm the one who should be sorry, Ginny. If it wasn't for me, Fred would still be alive."
Ginny gasped, putting her hand to her mouth in horror.
"Harry, no. You mustn't think that!"
"How can I not, Ginny? If I hadn't fought Voldemort, nobody I cared about would have been killed. It all seemed so simple; kill Voldemort and the world suddenly becomes perfect again. Except it doesn't work that way." Harry said, anger creeping into his voice.
"Harry, the world is a better place after what you've done. Voldemort's gone."
"It's better for some people, sure. For others… Ginny, does Voldemort's death mean anything when your family's been torn apart? For you, the world's worse than ever."
Sorrow clouded Ginny's eyes for a second, before being replaced by a sad smile.
"Yes, it's worse. Everything seems so empty, like nothing matters. As terrible as I feel, though, it's better than living everyday in fear of Voldemort. And I feel proud; proud of what I did, proud of my family. And especially proud of you, Harry James Potter. Without you, we'd all be dead. Voldemort would have kept growing stronger, killing everyone who stood against him. Even if we'd gone into hiding, we'd just have been dying be degrees, constantly afraid. You took that fear away forever, Harry.
"But…" Harry began, only to be cut off as Ginny kissed him softly on the mouth.
"No 'buts' Harry. Fred chose to fight, we all did. Like you, we couldn't live while he survived, only exist in fear."
She took his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly.
"Everyone expected so much of you, Harry. And you succeeded. Stopping Quirrel; saving me from Voldemort; the battle at the Ministry. You've always been saving others and willing to die to do so. I think, deep down, you think you've failed whenever someone saved you."
Harry couldn't meet her eyes and Ginny pressed on, gently.
"It's hard to stand by and let someone else put themselves in danger, for your sake."
She said, and Harry had a flash back to the final battle of Hogwarts and Ginny's desperate pleas not to be left out of the fight.
Harry felt tears burning his eyes and he found himself crying. Deep wracking sobs shook him and then Ginny's arms enfolded him, stroking his back soothingly. Harry wept on her shoulder, his hands bunching the fabric of her shirt between them, as he poured out his grief. Eventually, his tears subsided and Ginny released him, moving to wrap an arm around his shoulder.
Wiping his eyes, Harry said;
"What do I do now, Ginny? How can things go back to normal, after all that's happened? How can I?"
"I know how you feel. Every time I enjoy myself, or find that I've not been thinking about Fred, it feels like I'm betraying him. But, he wouldn't want me to waste my life feeling sad. And you shouldn't waste yours, either. You still got so much to live for, Harry."
She stood up, holding out her hand and Harry took it, smiling tentatively.
"It's getting late. We should be getting back." Ginny said, and Harry noticed that the sky had grown darker, with the sun disappearing behind the hills. Ginny raised her wand and summoned her Patronus, a shining silver horse that illuminated the ground in front of them. Harry drew his own wand and, focusing on his thoughts on Ginny, summoned his stag, a laugh escaping from his throat. During the last few days, he'd been unable to find draw upon any happy memories. Hand-in hand, with their Patronuses leading the way, they set off for the Burrow. As they reached the edge of the wood, Harry saw points of lights moving around outside the Weasley house and heard voices calling their names. Exchanging a guilty glance with Ginny, he set off towards the house, calling out to the searchers. Immediately, he heard an answering voice that made him flinch.
"Molly! Molly, it's them."
The front door slammed open and Mrs Weasley stormed out, red faced and furious.
"Where have you been? I've been frantic!" She yelled, enfolding Ginny, and then Harry in crushing hugs. She bustled them into the kitchen, berating and fussing in equal measure. Harry and Ginny sat down with the rest of the Weasleys, Ron and Hermione, while Mrs Weasley served dinner. Harry ate quietly, listening to the conversations around him, feeling strangely distracted and…peaceful. He knew that the memories wouldn't vanish overnight, but he felt that things would get better, in time. From the way Mrs Weasley kept glancing at him, he felt that she knew something had changed between him and Ginny, but she said nothing.
When they had finished eating and were clearing away the dishes, she said, quietly.
"Harry, have you given any thought to what you're going to do now?"
Harry nodded;
"I guess I'll go back to Hogwarts and finish my final year. I'll need to, if I'm going to become an Auror."
Mrs Weasley smiled.
"I'm glad, Harry. For you and Ginny. I think you'll be good for each other. Go on, now. Go and spend some time together."
Harry finished stacking the dishes and left, thanking her as he went. Mrs Weasley watched him go and whispered:
"My son."
End of Chapter 1
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