Whiskey and Lullabies

By: carkeez11

I remember that first night, realizing how bad everything really was. My Daddy had just lost his job; I was only 7 years old, so nothing seemed that bad for me. But I always overheard my Mama yelling at him late at night. "Get a job! You're a man, Jeff. For God's sakes, we're going to be on the streets soon!"

As I grew up more and more, things got worse. My Dad found ways to get out of his pain. Every night, he'd fall asleep with a bottle of either vodka or hard whiskey in the palm of his clammy hands. It scared me to know that my sweet, caring Dad had gone down a lane this far.

"Daddy, why do you drink so much of this stuff?" I remember asking him one night. His eyes were all googly, and his skin; pale. He shook his head and chuckled. "I don't drink it that much, darling'. It's just a little sometimes. It's like a…treat." I smiled. I was still only young. "A treat? Could I try some, Daddy?" He hesitated, but he was so drunk it didn't matter. He handed me a half drunken bottle, and I took my first sip of beer. It was the most horrible thing I had ever tasted in my life.

But yet it became my escape to everything in life. I had gone down the same path my Daddy had gone, just twice as rough. My Mama died from heart cancer a week before my 11th birthday. I was left with an alcoholic of a father who was my only role model. I thought I was seeing the light of the tunnel. I couldn't go back.

"Lily? Lily, can you hear me? Nod your head if you can hear me." I heard my best friend, Jackie say. I blink a few times, and I sit up. Everything is fuzzy and my head feels like it's going to explode. "W-What happened?" She laughs and takes a long sip of beer. "We both got really drunk last night. The party was awesome though, huh?" I release something from my hand. I look to my left and see a bottle of Vodka rolling away.

What had I done?

"Jackie, I need to go home. Where's Trevor?" I scanned the room for my boyfriend, Trevor. He was a partier like myself, so if he were passed out in a corner? I wouldn't be surprised. She shrugs. "I think he went home early last night. He said he wasn't feeling well." She takes another sip of beer. That's strange. Trevor never leaves a party early. I get up and walk around slowly. There are a few passed out people every few steps.

Just then, there's a knock at the door. I look outside the window. It's my Dad, and he doesn't look happy. I breathe in sharply, and I open the door. "Hi Daddy." I say, half smiling. He knows where I've been. He folds his arms and gets angry. "Lillian, how could you do this to me? If your Mama were still here, you'd never hear the end of it from her! I was worried sick last night." No, I think, you were sickly drunk last night. You probably wouldn't have known your own last name."

"I-I'm sorry, Daddy. I didn't realize how late it was. I got tired and just slept over here." He looks around at the drunken people. A few familiar faces from school are all goofy, laughing and hitting each other. I sigh and turn back to my angry Dad. This may seem sad, but I'd rather see him mad than drunk.

He looks at Jackie who is still sipping on a Corona. Honestly, I don't even think it's her's. "Jackie, do your parents know where you've been?" She turns her head fast and shakes it. "No, probably not, but they know what I do every night." She giggles and continues to swig.

He looks at me, and nudges my arm. "C'mon. I need to go to work. I'll drop you off at home and we'll discuss you're punishment later." He glares at Jackie and walks outside. I look down, and follow him outside.

That car ride home was the most awkward thing I'd ever had to go through. When I walked inside, the first thing I did was run upstairs and sit in the attic. I go to my attic a lot, just to look at my Mama's old things. I'll smell her perfume, and sometimes cry when I look at old photographs of myself with her.

My Daddy hides all of her things; almost like he wants her to be an unknown secret. I love my Daddy so much, but I still wish I had that good inspiration in my life.

After I vent, I take my cell out of my back pocket and look for Trevor's cell number. I notice that there a bunch of guys cell numbers that I've never seen before. It's not unusual. I probably got them from last night. I get to his number and wait for him to answer.

"Hello?" His voice sounds gruff, and tired.

"Hey, where'd you go last night? I was worried when I, well, when I woke up this morning."

He moans. "Lil, we need to talk, alright? You were out of control last night. I'm getting seriously fed up with your partying."

My heart thumps. How bad was I last night? I remain silent.

"Lily, do you know what you did last night?"

"No, I don't remember anything."

He chuckles rudely. "Wow, it was probably the worst you've ever been. A few people asked you to do some drugs last night, and you did. How could you do something like that? You must've been seriously intoxicated."

What? I did drugs last night? I've gone too far.

I start to cry. "Trevor, I'm trying my hardest." It's a lie, and we both no it.

"No, you're not, Lily. You haven't tried at all. I'm sorry, but I can't support you anymore. You need some help, and it's not coming from me. You know I can't handle this right now. My Mama, she's pregnant, and she needs my help. I'm sorry, but we need to have some time apart."

I almost can hear the tearing of my heart inside. Trevor and I have been dating for 2 years straight. I never thought this would happen. "Trevor, please. I'll try harder. I promise! I need your help in this." I've said that a million times before.

I can imagine him shaking his head. I can hear his voice crack when I continue to cry. "Lily, you need to work this out on your own. Call me when you're better." I hear the click on the other line and I just can't help but stare at my phone.

I'm now officially sobbing. I'm broken and I have no one left. As soon as my Dad gets back home, he'll open up a bottle of beer and it'll just start getting heavier. I think about Jackie now. I've been a terrible role model to her. She used to be the innocent girl, whom nobody thought would dare to touch a bottle of alcohol. But when I first met her, years ago, I had just begun to drink. And she followed my example.

How am I going to get out of this mess?

My body shutters in fear when I hear the screen door slam. I wake up out of a dead sleep and wait to hear the slam of a fridge door. My Daddy's home and he's all ready to drink.

I don't know if its stress that makes my Daddy drink or the fact that my Mama is gone. Sometimes it confuses me; a lot. But, tonight, I'm more scared than usual. I've heard about drinkers in the books, sometimes they can get physical. I've done something bad, very bad tonight. He's never been physical before, but I'm praying that tonight it won't happen.

"Lillian?" He yells to me. "Come here!" He's not fully drunk yet, so I tip toe down the stairs. "Yeah, Daddy?" My heart is racing. "Go get me another beer in the cellar, okay?" His eyes are glued to the television, and his eye brows are arched as if he has something to be pissed off about.

I nod my head and I run into the basement/cellar. It's dark, damp, and cool down there. I reach above me and turn on the light. The familiar image surrounds me, back 7 years ago.

I was eleven, completely unaware of what the consequences would be if I were to follow through on this plan. That night, a few weeks after my Mama had died; I had invited my ex-friend Tiffany over. She wasn't the nicest person at school. She deviously smiled at me, when I had gone down into the cellar to get something for my Dad that night. "Look at all the beer down here! I bet you couldn't get the nerve to drink a bottle of the stuff."

She folded her arms and laughed at me. Fury burned beneath me. I rolled my eyes. "I, I could drink 3 of those, easily." Why couldn't I have just let her walk over me? Her eyes widened, but then she leaned over and handed me a bottle. "Go ahead. Do it." My palms were so sweaty; I thought I would have dropped the bottle. But, I took off the top and downed the bottle. She couldn't believe her eyes.

After drinking the three, I vomited on the floor. All I remember was looking at her and smiling strangely. "See? I told you I could do it." She laughed when I walked into things, thinking it was a show. But it was her. She had poisoned me.

I shake my head, hoping to forget the memory. But I can't. It's stuck up there for good. I open the fridge and pull out a couple of bottles. I know it won't be the first time to come down here tonight for me. He'll call me again.

"Lil! Hurry up down there!" He yells. He has the television volume up so loud; I can barely hear his voice. I run up the stairs, the cold sensation of the bottles rubbing against my arms. "Here," I say, handing him the bottles, "You're running out of Corona." He swears, and opens the bottle. "I thought I just bought a bunch of those a few days ago!" You did, but you drank them all in those few days.

Even though I do drink, I never take from my Daddy's stash. He'd kill me. He spends more money on beer than he does on food. But, I do spend a lot of my hard earned money of booze. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get into College.

"Well, I have to go study, Daddy. See you tomorrow morning." I'm about to head up the stairs. "Lily, wait." I turn my head the slightest bit, and he's staring at me. "About tonight, we'll talk more tomorrow. You know, I know it's happened before and all, but I want details. You have to be punished. Your Mom would shoot me if I didn't." I close my eyes and sigh. Mom isn't here, Daddy. Look around you.

I nod my head, ignoring my thoughts, and I head off to bed.

I had a dream that night. And it wasn't one of those dreams, where you dream about marrying Zac Efron. It's one of those dreams that come back to haunt you, forever.

I wake up out of a dead sleep, and I scream at the top of my lungs. Normally, in the movies, the parents would come running in the bedroom, comforting their daughter. But unfortunately, my life isn't a movie. I'm not sure if there is a happy ending yet. I'm still searching.

I'm sitting there, up in bed; practically in tears. Sweat is dripping from my forehead, and it soaks my cotton pyjamas.

"Lily, Lily, you have to stop you're Daddy, honey. Something bad is happening soon. You have to stop him." The familiar voice hovers around the empty white room.

I turn around, and I run in every direction, but I just come back to the blank room. "Hello? Who are you? What are you talking about?" I hear my echoes hitting off objects that are invisible to me.

"Lily, it's me. Mama; listen. Save your Daddy. Someone is coming to save you, and he'll help you save you're Daddy." I'm shaking, my head is spinning, and my hands are shaking.

"Mama, are you…are you alive?" I ask, adding a little bit of hope to the word alive. Of course she's not alive. You're dreaming, stupid. Lily, do you ever use your brain?

I hear my Mama's hardy laugh. I can feel her smiling over me. "I'm alive in your heart, baby girl." I motion towards my chest, and I feel the fast thumping beating against my skin. I smile, with a tear dripping down my face.

"Mama, how do I save Daddy? I want my real Daddy back." I think back to when he used to be all sweet; day and night. Never drank, only on special occasions. But even on those occasions, he never got drunk.

I feel someone rubbing my shoulders, making me close my eyes. "An angel will help you. You can do this, Lily. I believe in you." And that's when I woke up.

I'm sitting in bed now, crying; thinking about how my Mom could've gotten into my dream like that; wondering if what she had said was true or not. Was it a sign, or just a dream?

I decide to go out for a morning walk. I know my Dad won't be waking up for a few more hours, but I think I need to think on my own. I grab my jacket and slip on my shoes and head out the door. The morning sun blinds my eyes for a few seconds. I smile. It's not muggy; it's cool and breezy, a beautiful fall day.

I'm walking at a slow pace, alone in the morning crisp air, when someone jogging runs into me and sends me toppling onto the ground. "Ah!" I say, falling on my butt. I blink and look up. The jogger has stopped, and he looks concerned. "I'm so sorry! Let me help you up…" He grabs my hand and pulls me up. I look at him closely.

He has dark brown curls and deep chocolate eyes. I smile at him. He seems to be around my age. He smiles back and holds out his hand. "I'm Nick, Nick Jonas. Are you alright?" He asks. I nod, and dust myself off. "I'm Lily Nixon. This was my entire fault, I was just busy thinking. I'm sorry." I blush, and look down.

He shakes his curls and smiles. "No, it's my fault." I realize that he doesn't have the usual country accent. I express a confused look.

He smiles. "I know, I'm not from around the country; yet. I just moved here yesterday," he laughs, "So it might take a little longer until I pick up the accent." I chuckle with him. "So, what high school are you at?" He says, folding his arms, looking interested in what I have to say.

"I go to Genevieve High. I'm in the 12th grade." He smiles. "I'm going there too, and yeah, I'm in the 12th too." My heart flutters. We're in the same grade, same school.

I just kind of daze off and stare at him for awhile. He blushes and smiles awkwardly. "Well, I better finish my run. I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow morning. Bye!" He smiles and starts running away. I sigh at his body. He's wearing a tank top and basketball shorts.

I look towards the sky, and sigh. I know Mama; I have to work on it. Daddy will always be my main priority. But, I can always have fun doing it, can't I?

When I return home, I see that my Dad has already left. I sigh as I get out the milk and cheerios. Another day where last night is completely forgotten. I look across from me. 5 empty bottles of beer are lying beside my Daddy's chair.

I walk over. One is still half full. I glance at the clock. 9:46 AM. I pick the warm bottle up and I swirl it around a bit. I look inside; there's that little bit of white foam at the top. I grasp it hard into my hand and bring it closer to my lips.

"Lily!" I drop the bottle onto the ground and glass shatters everywhere. I look around nervously. No one is here. I look down at the brown tinted glass splattered everywhere. I sigh and grab the dustpan and mop.

Then, I hear faint sobbing all around me. I stand back up again.

"Lily, you have to help yourself first."

It's my Mama.

Tears drip from my eyes. I see ripples of water when I blink. "Mama, I…I can't." I look at the beer and I shake my head. She's right. I need to stop. I'm slowly killing myself. When I look at my Dad, I think of me. I'm not talking about how we both have blue eyes and our mouths curl that way when we smile. I'm talking about how I'm turning into him. And if I'm becoming him, he's also slowly dying.

I need to save us.

All of a sudden, I hear a knock at the door. I turn towards the front door, and I look out the window.

It's Nick. Nick Jonas.

I smile and open the door. He's changed into something nicer; straight legged jeans with a white v-neck shirt. He smiles. "Hey, I'm really sorry to bother you. I had no idea you lived here." He said, looking around. He turns back to me. "I was just wondering if you've seen a golden retriever running around here anywhere." A golden retriever?

He laughs and scratches the back of his head. "I took my dog on a walk, and he got away. Have you seen him?" I shake my head, and look around outside. Suddenly, I see this fast blonde animal sitting at the edge of my driveway. I laugh, and almost scream it. "There he is!" The dog looks at us and takes off the other way.

I jump outside without him even asking, and we're chasing after his dog. "ELVIS! ELVIS, COME HERE, BOY!" Nick yells after his dog. We're both running until we hit an intersection. Elvis stops and turns to us.

Nick hurries, and pulls out a dog treat of his back pocket. He holds it out towards the dog. Elvis looks at the street, than back at the biscuit in Nick's hand. I cover my mouth, trying to be careful not to laugh. This looks like something out of a movie.

Suddenly, the dog chooses Nick and he runs over for the treat. He hooks him back on the leash, and we both stand up. He laughs. "Thanks. Lily, right?" I smile and nod. "No problem." I pet Elvis, who's finishing the last of the dog biscuit. "He's really cute." Nick smiles. "He may be cute, but he's a pain in the butt." We start walking back to my house.

"So, have you always lived here?" He asks me. We both stare straight ahead, into the horizon. I nod. "Yeah, I live with my Dad." I'm hoping he won't bring up my Mom…

"What about you're Mom?" He asks. I wince and close my eyes. I hated telling people about my Mom. Not about how I actually have a Mom, and how much I love her to death. But how she died.

"She passed away when I was eleven." I say. He opens his eyes and looks at me with sadness. He touches my hand. "I'm sorry. I had no idea." I nod.

"What about you? Do you live with you're parents?" He shakes his head. "No, actually, I came down here for schooling. My parents live in New Jersey." He smiles when he says New Jersey. "That's cool. Do you have any siblings?" He nods. "I have 3 brothers back home."

I've always wanted to have a sister or a brother. All of my childhood friends would always complain at how annoying their little siblings had been. But I've always dreamed of watching over a little sister or brother. Someone I could help when he/she is sad. Someone who needs comforting when they're hurt.

I sigh. "You're lucky. I'm an only child." He looks at me.

"Do you ever get lonely?" What an understatement.

I nod. "Yeah. My Dad is always working. So, I only see him either really early in the morning, or later at night." I look at him. His eyes seem sad, suddenly. "That must be hard. It's really hard for me to be here without my parents. It's probably the longest I'll ever be away from them."

I love listening to his voice. It's the perfect tone, and every word sounds so sweet. He seems genuine, and I know that he's actually interested in what I have to say.

Elvis sniffs around for awhile as we talk on my porch step. Than, after what seems like forever, he stands up and stretches. "Well, I better get going. I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" He says with a smile.

I nod quickly, revealing a shy smile. "I'll meet you at the front?" He nods and whistles at Elvis. "C'mon boy." Then he looks back at me. "Bye Lily." And I swear I'm in some fantasy. The way he smiles at me, it makes my heart explode with fireworks.

"Lily?" I hear a cold voice say from behind me. It's not Nick. It's Trevor.

I turn around quick and he's standing there with a rose in his hand. My heart begins to race, and I wipe my hands against my jeans. He looks down. "Look, Trevor. It's not what you think, I swear." I say, with tears in my eyes. I can't tell if I mean it. I don't know if I even care about him anymore.

He turns and walks out of my backyard. Before he's fully gone, he yells back, "I guess he's your new support system, huh?" That broke me. I fall on the grass, and I lay there lifelessly in the warm sun. Occasionally, I'll look to my left and pick out a few dandelions from the earth.

A lot of good things had happened today. But I couldn't help but dwell on the bad. I was just that kind of person. I couldn't just not care. How could anyone, not care about anything?

The sky was beginning to turn a pinkish-orange colour. I sigh, and head back inside. My Dad will be here any minute.

****

"LILIAN! BEER!" I wake up out of a dead sleep, again. I trudge down the stairs, and see that my Daddy is half awake- half asleep. I glance at the stove clock. 2:34 AM. What the heck was he doing up this late?

I run downstairs and grab two more bottles. He's had a lot already, and I figure that another two will be enough to knock him out. Then I realize what I'm thinking; I'm killing my own Daddy. I stop and put the bottles back, and I walk back towards the stairway.

"Lily, where's the beer?" He looks at me, and his eyes sort of twitch a little. I sigh and take in a deep, sharp breath. "Daddy, you have to stop. You're…you're dying. I can't make you live this way." He stares right through me. "Go get me a beer, now." I stand my guard. "No."

He stands up wobbly and walks over to me. His dark eyes stare right through me. I want to look away, I have to look away; but I don't.

Suddenly, he grabs my wrists, tight. "Lillian, if you don't get me one, I'll…" I stop him. "You'll what, Daddy? You'll hurt me? You'll ground me? What're you going to do? You need to stop. You're killing yourself." Tears flood my eyes, blurring my vision.

He sighs, and I swear I hear him faintly crying. He grabs me and throws me down onto the ground. I hit my head on the hardwood floor. I feel dizzy, but I look up at him. His eyes are full of sadness; black and lifeless. This is not my Daddy.

He kicks me and runs into the kitchen. I hear him hit the floor, and then I hear nothing. I crawl near the doorway. I look at him. He's lying there, passed out. I steady my eyes on his chest, making sure that it's rising up and down.

I turn my head back to his chair where at least a dozen empty bottles lay. I shake my head and I sit beside them and finish the two I brought up. I've never been so ashamed of myself.

****

A stream of sunlight pours in from the living room window. I blink a few times, and cover my eyes. A blanket is keeping me warm. I yawn and stand up. It's Monday morning.

I walk into the kitchen expecting my Daddy to be laying there. But to my surprise, everything is cleaned up. There's a note on the kitchen counter. I walk over and read it:

Dear Lily,

I'm going on a little trip with your Uncle Gregg this afternoon. He's just taking me over Lake Sage. I'll be home in a few days. Please, don't worry, and don't go out partying. I love you with all of my heart, please remember that. There's a key under the front mat. Lock up before you leave.

Love,

Daddy

I sigh and crumble the paper into a small ball. I run my fingers through my hair, trying not to cry. I walk downstairs to take a shower.

In the shower, I kept thinking about Nick. When I think of him, I feel my heart get all warm inside, and my tongue feels tingly. I sigh happily as I wash the lilac shampoo out of my hair.

****

"Lily! Hey, Lily! Wait up!" I hear my friend, Jackie, call me. I turn to face her and realize something is wrong. I don't say anything though.

There are bags under her eyes, and her skin looks paler than usual. I also notice that her face looks really gaunt. My eyes widen and she looks at me strangely. "What? What's wrong?" I shake my head quickly. She shrugs it off.

"Anyways, where were you last night? You missed the party of the century." I roll my eyes when she says party. I'm getting sick of the word, to be honest with you. I shrug. "I had to…uh, do homework. I have some big exams coming up." I shutter at my lie.

"You, study? Wow. That's a shocker. Hey, how are things with you and Tr-" I look up before she says his name and I see Nick standing in front of us with a smile on his face. My face lights up and I almost sprint to him.

Jackie stands over where we once were as I stand with Nick. "Hey," he says, adjusting his back-pack on his shoulder, "I was worried I wasn't going see you today." There's a little bit of pink on his cheeks. I smile and kick up some dust around us. "Don't worry. I wasn't going to stand you up." He smiles.

I turn my head the slightest bit and I see Jackie, standing there absolutely flabbergasted. I sigh. He looks at me concerned. "Whoa, what happened to your arm?" I look towards my arm and realize that a large blue and purple bruise has made its way there. I tug on my sweatshirt to cover the bad memory.

I shake my head slowly. "It's nothing. I swear. Come on, I'll show you to class." I leave Jackie standing there and we both walk into our classes.

****

Later that night, I'm sitting alone on my couch, watching TV. It's nice not to hear the clanking of beer bottles as my Daddy walks up to bed. It's nice not to hear my Daddy cursing under his bed when he can't get the right channel on the remote control. It's nice to see that my Daddy isn't revealing his bad choices to me. The one's the inflicted on my whole life; the ones that changed me forever.

I look outside my living room windows. The sun from earlier this morning has disappeared behind a bunch of grey fluffy clouds. Little speckles of rain drip on the hood of my Daddy's pick-up. I curl up into a ball and smell my Mama's scent. I'm working on it, Mama. I'm working on it.

I fall asleep on the couch, and I'm awoken the next morning by my cell-phone. I rub some sleep out of my eyes and I answer. "Hello?" I hear Jackie's scratchy voice.

"Why the hell aren't you at school?" I open my eyes wider and I peer at the clock in the kitchen. 10: 43 AM. I jump up and groan. "Sorry, I slept in. I had a rough night last night." I start grabbing some stuff and I head upstairs to get my clothes.

"Oh, were you at a party?" I roll my eyes. When I say stuff like that, she always entwines the thought with alcohol. "No. I just didn't sleep well." I hear this strange coughing, and wheezing coming from the other side of the phone. "What's that?" I ask. The coughing stops. "Sorry, I have…a cold." She's lying.

I nod, unsure of what to think.

"Well, I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm taking my Dad's pick-up. I stare at the rusty red vehicle outside my bedroom window. "Alright. Talk to you later." She hangs up and I slip into my jeans.

I grab the keys and jump into the car. Starting the key into the ignition brings back a lot of terrible memories. But I keep going through the rain. The road is slippery, and I look outside at the greyness surrounding me. I sigh.

I pull into the familiar parking lot and step out. I trudge into the school and get a late pass from the office. Heading to class is the worse feeling in the world. My teacher looks at me like an ugly bug. She points to an empty spot near the back, next to a window. I notice that Nick is in this class. I glance at him and notice that he isn't smiling like usual.

****

I start heading out the door, towards my Daddy's pick-up, when someone accidentally pushes into me and I fall over the steps. At least, I think I'm falling. I close my eyes, preparing for the pain, but someone pulls me back and pushes them towards me.

I open my eyes.

"Nick?" My voice is shaky. He smiles and dusts me off. "Hey, where were you this morning?" I motion back towards the stairs, unable to speak. "H-How'd you do that? How'd you get over here so fast?" Last time I remember, he was talking to the principal; on the other side of the school.

He shrugs. "I had to come over here. I, uh, left my backpack in my locker." He looks around nervously. I nod my head slowly, unable to incorporate what happened. We walk down the steps together. "So, do you want to walk home together?" I look at my Dad's pick-up truck. I open my mouth, but no words come out. I smile and look back at him. "Sure."

"So, I haven't seen your Dad around lately…" he says, looking at me. My heart starts to pound. "Oh, well, uh, he's on a business trip right now." My cheeks turn hot and I look down at the dusty trail beneath us.

He nods. "That's cool. So you're all alone? That must stink." I nod, not sure what to think. He sighs and looks down at his converses. "I…really miss home. I mean, as beautiful and how much I love it up here, it's just nothing like home." His eyes sparkle in the sunlight.

I pat him on the back. "I know what you're feeling." He looks down at me and smiles. "Thanks for, you know, befriending me and everything. It means a lot." He lets a little of his teeth come through. I start blushing.

Suddenly, he takes my hand, and he feels all warm. He looks me in the eyes and smiles at me. "Lily, I know we just met a few days ago, but I really, really like you. There's just something that intrigues me. I was just wondering if you wanted to go out sometime…"

My heart is racing, but I smile and nod. "O-Of course!" He smiles and hugs me. I can feel his heart beating against my chest. I sigh. I've never felt safer in my whole life.

****