The following must be read in order to understand the story:
This is not my story, it is actually property of some jackass (and I say 'jackass' with utmost respect; I had to write that after she read my additions and got all pissy with me) named 'ocdsugar'. I was going through old stories again for old articles and I came upon this and I think that it has to be the most offensive thing on the planet toward women. However, it is funny, so I e-mailed the author for permission and I have rewritten some parts and added a few things. I will be continuing the story from now on, but with a slightly more sinister plot than this "Friends" synopsis she had.
References: based slightly upon the comic book and other cartoons (such as costumes and etcetera, for instance, Robin's hair is of the shaggy punk sort right now but later (yes, much later) it will be like Batman: the Animated Series Robin, except not as Clyde.
Notes: Written 3 years into the future. It has been released that the ages in the cartoon are the following: Robin, 15; Starfire, 15; Cyborg, 17; Raven, 15; Beast Boy, 14. Ages in THIS story are the following in case you suck at math: Robin, 18; Starfire, 18; Cyborg, 20; Raven, 18; Beast Boy, 17.
"Uh, master, just a few disclaimers, provisos, a few quid pro quo…": Teen Titans is property of Warner Bros., Cartoon Network, and DC Comics. The music is not mine.
Decent Days and Nights
Chapter 1:
"Amazing! Astonishing! Still can't get over the fantastic idea that when you are looking at a girl, you are looking at somebody who is guaranteed to have on her-a cunt! They all have cunts! Right under their dresses! Cunts-for fucking!"
-ALEXANDER PORTNOY/ IN PHILIP ROTH'S PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT
Once there were Teen Titans and only Teen Titans and it was good.
However, at one time, the need for crime control soared and the Teen Titans became a chain of teams:
The original Teen Titans, stationed between these three municipalities: Jump City, Metropolis, and Gotham City.
Titans West, those who were once honorary Titans, the few students from the Hive Academy who decided to make the right choices, new young heroes, or protégés of others.
Titans East, the same situation as T.W., but incredibly less popular, in fact, if the fourth wall broke and they discovered their comic books, Titans East and West would be very disappointed.
Getting back on topic, the Teen Titans, the originals, of course, were now barely needed. In the 3 years since they had come into existence, corruption, and delinquency had slowed down to a tedious 3-crimes-every-other-week-if-you're-lucky pace. Sometimes, it even STOPPED for a short period of time-a month or two tops-and during this time, our most beloved and original Titans had become bored and had absolutely nothing to do except for indulge in the teen angst and hormones they didn't have time to notice when they were on a fighting-crime-every-day-except-when-you-ACTUALLY-wanted-to-go-do-it-in-which-case-there-would-be-absolutely-none-pace.
Despite the lack of action, the Titans had changed, as most children do. But just who are these new and improved teens? I give you here, a look at life with the older Titans: mature responsible adults with experience and self-control-
"Beast Boy, please stop touching me!"
Ahem. Pardon me.
"What?"
"Beast Boy," said Starfire, through gritted teeth, "You keep touching me somewhere. I wish for you to stop."
"I am not!" He was, as far as Starfire knew, not paying attention bearing in mind he never tore his eyes away from the television screen. She looked to Cyborg with pleading eyes.
"You keep knocking into her side and considering where you're landing, it's on purpose."
"Not to mention the stench of testosterone in the air." Raven dryly added.
The scene itself was amusing alone. A hulking mass of machine and flesh dominated the couch, with a tall, lanky, green-skinned teen, an alien babe, and a pale girl next to him. Beast Boy, the (obviously) green one, who had a remote control permanently glued to his hand, wore a mud-slathered jersey, ragged jean shorts, and one red hi-top with no socks or laces. The other shoe was casually thrown onto the other side of the sofa amid Raven's books. At first look, you wouldn't think the words tall and Beast Boy should belong in the same sentence. Well, they aren't, literally, but that's not the point. Beast Boy was now the real life version of the Pre-pubescent Jolly Green Giant: incredibly skinny with no body fat whatsoever. He was 6 feet and had the fastest metabolism this side of Russia.
"Whatever." He actually had the nerve, about 60 seconds afterward, to bump Starfire again. This wasn't just BB. Any guy sitting next to her would have done it too. Starfire, who had reached an amazing 6'4'', grew as much in the bust department as she had in height: double D's. The girl had good genes. Starfire's hair had also done a lot of growing. Sure, it was longer, much longer, but also more of a wild mane full of red curls. She was barefoot; in tight vintage jeans and a tight white t-shirt.
"Stop it already." This time it was Raven who commanded. She didn't like to see her best friend poked by some dickwad, who, inevitably, was her friend as well. Raven hadn't really developed and she was at least 8 inches shorter than her ginger-haired counterpart. She was on edge almost as much as Robin but had become slightly more outgoing and was sometimes even eager to go do something with Star. She looked oddly comfortable with her fitted black sweater and blue jeans. Her once round face had narrowed, with dramatic cheekbones, her features taking on sharper and harsher lines.
"God dammit, I haven't done anything!"
30 seconds went before pushing into her side again.
"Beast Boy, I believe the Earth saying goes 'you are trying my patience'." Star stood up and went around to the back of the couch where he couldn't touch her. "If you do not stop I will...um...mmmmmm..."
"Yeah?"
"...mmm...tell! She yelled, triumphantly remembering her word. Despite her years on the planet, her English was still not up to par.
"What are you? Four? Besides, who are you going to tell? No grown-ups!" His eyes were still looking at the TV screen.
"First of all, it is 'whom are you going to tell'-"
"Y'know, I'm kinda finding hard to believe you have better grammar than me, wait, sorry, I-"
"No, Beast Boy, it is still 'me'-"
"-and your English still sucks."
"...and second, Cyborg is now an adult. Or at least I believe he is."
"Hold on there, little missy, I have ALWAYS been the adult here."
At almost 21 years of age, Cyborg hadn't changed except he was slightly thinner and taller, 6 foot 6. He was also working on his machinery more than ever.
"Well then, you are. And if you touch me again, Garfield, I shall tell...Robin!"
Beast Boy dropped the remote, turning around to look at her with wide alarmed eyes, for not only had she used his embarrassing first name, she had used the 'R' word as a threat, and for the first time ever, too.
Raven looked as well. "Since when do you use Robin as a weapon?"
"Since I noticed he gets terribly upset when boys look at me."
"Good girl." She gave Star a joking pat on the head, looking slightly pleased. "You are learning well.
Cy shook his head, laughing. "Jesus.
Garfield stilled gaped. "No way."
"I will tell Robin." Starfire warned, exultant of finding her first manipulative phrase.
"You...wouldn't...dare.
"Really? Let us see then. Oh, Ro-"
"No! Nonononono!" He jumped over the back of the couch to shush her with his index finger. "Look, I'll stop touching you, just as long as you don't tell Robin."
"Tell Robin what?"
Speak of the devil.
Robin had, despite the interruption, had heard Starfire call the first syllable of his name. He pretty much put down whatever he was doing if he thought Starfire had called him for some reason. He assumed, one day, it would be a reason in his favor.
"Well," Starfire simply blurted out the first terrible thing that the changeling had done recently that came to her mind. "I saw Beast Boy using your CDs as Frisbees yesterday."
Gar hit his forehead in exasperation. "God, I completely forgot to ask you if you saw that, Star."
"Oh. So there's something else?" His eyes, hidden behind his mask, narrowed.
Starfire open her mouth, but BB quickly slapped his hand over it to keep her from speaking. "No! Nothing! Absolutely nothing."
They settled back down on the couch. Robin, shaking his head, perched on a stool next to the kitchen counter. Robin had definitely grown. 6 foot 1. He was still pretty pissed off about being 3 inches shorter than Starfire. His hair, like Star, was also worn differently. Nothing fancy, just straight with spikes and a small curl hanging in front over his forehead. He rarely cut it so it was starting to get a little shaggy. Despite his promise to throw it out, he still kept a vast number of designer gels in his medicine cabinet. He was currently wearing his normal attire, slacks and a t-shirt with a dirty slogan plastered across the front. Being the only 'normal' one residing in the Tower, he was the only one to think of dropping the costumes when they weren't working.
"Hey, Kory," Robin was the only person allowed to call her that, "What CDs was he throwing around?
She turned her head towards him with a small, somewhat sad smile. "The Mighty Mighty Bosstones."
"Shit. Album?"
"'Where Did You Go?'" Starfire, for some reason, had a lot of miscellaneous information floating around in her head with a memory like a whip. She knew every CD in the tower by heart.
"Double shit. I'm going to have to replace it. And it's 'Where'd You Go?'."
"But it is proper grammar to-"
"Remember when we talked about slang and how it's SUPPOSED to be that way?"
"Yes." She sighed. "I give my word, you are like a very in reverse parent sometimes."
Robin frowned, not wanting to seem 'in reverse', let alone a parent. "What about the other CDs?"
"Oh, Bon Jovi, 'Slippery When Wet'-"
Cyborg snorted. "You have Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet'? What are you, a chick?"
Robin's frown deepened.
"-and," Starfire went on, unperturbed, "The Cure, 'Kiss Me, Kiss, Kiss Me'-"
"You ARE a chick!"
"I like the album."
"Yeah, Starfire like's the album." Robin got a small piece of dignity back.
"Chick!"
Then he lost it again.
"I kept it for her." It sounded almost like a question.
"Really?" Starfire squealed, surprised and jubilant.
"Well, either you're the world's most thoughtful boyfriend, Robbo, or you're a chick."
"Hey," Gar suddenly spoke up for his friend, "Wingnut has plenty of good music. I mean, c'mon, I tossed The Jimi Hendrix Experience out the window. You can't find a record like..."
He stopped. He could practically feel the steam coming out of Robin's ears.
"You son of a bitch!-"
"-OH-kay, when's the game on?" Beast Boy snatched up the remote again, wanting to change the subject as quickly as possible.
"Did you say the record? Kory, do you hear this? He said he threw a record!"
"He must have done that after I left the room. Really, BB, that's not nice. How would Jimi Hendrix and his Experience feel if they found out you destroyed hard work?"
"Jimi and his Experience would be pissed." Cyborg said.
After Robin was sent to his room to grieve (they couldn't tell whether the sounds coming from behind his door were ranting or sobs of anguish), the rest of the Titans returned to the television.
"Alright, I'm calling up my bookie later. Anyone wanna put down bets?"
It was Super Bowl Sunday. Normally, only Robin and Cyborg would watch the game before being interrupted by the city's alarm. Now none of them had anything better to do.
"Cyborg, would Robin let us? He has never been the type to gamble…" Starfire bit her lip, unsure if she should further anger her teammate.
Beast Boy leaned in close to her, as if sharing a secret. "Listen, babe, you gotta stop thinking about what Robin wants, I mean, he isn't exactly the leader…"
"But he is."
"Raven, help me out here."
"I'm not getting into this. I just want fifty put down on the Giants and no overtime."
"No overtime? There's always overtime."
"Not this year."
"Cyborg, help me out here."
"I'm not getting in to this. I just want to call my bookie. Though, if it helps, tell Starfire that Robin's a controlling little shit."
"Oh, I already know that." Starfire said. It had been true for years.
"So you see why we don't want you telling Robin."
"Alright…can I place a bet?"
"Go ahead."
"A ten-dollar currency bill; I believe the mascot will be making the winning touchdown."
"Uh, do they do bets like that?"
"I do not know; start one. And then the mascot will catch fire."
Cyborg sniggered. "Fine, whatever, just swear-"
"I promise on a particularly large stack of zharbakhs that I will not tell Robin."
"Tell Robin what?"
"Jesus, dude, do you have like super hearing?" Beast Boy eyed his leader as he strolled into the kitchen.
"Tell Robin what?"
"Nothing."
"Why the hell is everyone keeping secrets from me today?"
"The pre-game shows and stuff start around 5." Beast Boy again tried to change the subject as quickly as possible.
"Great, that gives me time to pick up stuff at the store. Why do you guys want for dinner?"
"I want meatball subs."
"I want Chinese."
Cyborg and Gar stared at each other with the intensity of a couple of incredibly hungry guys that just wanted to eat either Chinese food or meatball subs, whatever their preference.
And it wasn't just the food.
It was the principal of the food.
"Pizza?"
"Totally."
And they resumed their TV viewing.
"What? No fight?" Robin looked between the couple of guys that had just reached their first mature compromise after staring at each other with the intensity of a couple of incredibly hungry guys that just wanted to eat either Chinese food or meatball subs, whatever their preference just 10 seconds before.
"Go, man. I'm really in the mood for pizza.
"Yeah, me too."
For a second there, their leader looked a slightly happy and then…
"Oh, come ON! Did you really just cooperate with each other without having a fight? That's disgusting! "
"Yep, Robbo, that's about the size of it."
Robin just scribbled away rather nostalgically on the little piece of paper in front of him, thinking about when they actually had fistfights over this kind of trivial subject.
Suddenly, Cyborg frowned. "Hey, did anyone just have a strange sense of deja-vu?"
"Whoa. Yeah." Gar raised his eyebrows.
"I know…that was so weird."
Robin rolled his eyes behind his mask. "Okay, drinks?
"Oh, any kind of soda you can find but mostly Coke…" Beast Boy was mainly in charge of food for the Titans.
"I thought you quit doing Coke commercials, man."
"Nonono, to go with the Pop Rocks."
"Oh." More scribbles littered the paper. "Snacks?"
"Spicy chips, potato chips, corn chips, and uh…ruffly chips."
"Oh, very diverse."
"Thanks," The sarcasm went completely over his head. ", uh, candy, mostly gummy things, uh, BUBBLE GUM. The gum is as important as lollipops."
"Why bubble gum?"
"For Starfire. She can blow the biggest bubble ever. Y'know, Tamaranians: large lung capacities."
"Very handy…" Robin trailed off, seemingly deep in thought, then shook himself, "Oh, yes, and the lollipops?"
"We like watching Star suck on them." Despite the conversation going on around her, Kory remained almost completely oblivious.
"Oh."
"Better add ice pops for her too."
"Oh, um, yes, we'll get, um, Star, what ice pops do you want?"
"The, oh dear, this is very difficult the 'lick the colors'?"
"Okay, Lickacolors. We'll get the Lickadick-I mean, the Lickacolors. Ahem."
Cyborg and Beast Boy snorted. Robin cleared his throat and continued.
"Starfire, you haven't said what drink YOU want."
"Oh, I do not need anything."
"Well, you have to have something to drink."
"I will just share with the boys."
Raven wrinkled her nose. "Like they'll share."
"Star, what do you want?"
"I do not need anything."
"Star, what do you WANT?"
"I do not WANT anything because I do not NEED anything."
"Star, what do you want?"
"Nothing."
"Star, what do you want?"
"Nothing."
"Star, what do you want?"
"Nothing.
"Star, what do you want?"
"Nothing."
"STAR…what…do…you…want?"
"Do you think the store carries the ingredients necessary for a Tequila Fuckface?"
For the second time, Robin stood dumbfounded. "Oh, no…?"
"Then I do not want anything."
"Kory, you know I don't like alco-oh, wait that was a joke, wasn't it?"
"Yes, I do believe it was and I do believe you did not get it."
Now Raven even joined in the laughter. Robin just scowled.
"I hate it when you get smart-ass with me, Kory."
"And I hate it when you have no sense of humor."
"What?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
"Who have you been hanging with lately?" It certainly hadn't been him, he realized much to his chagrin.
All fingers pointed to Beast Boy.
"That's it; you are officially a bad example to Starfire, Gar. C'mon, Star, you're coming to the store with me." He pulled on a jacket and threw Starfire her clunky snow boots.
He knew there would be silence all the way to the city.
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Her Royal Hipness, who may she say is one hip mofo