Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia! (I hate how you even have to mention this! Isn't it kind of obvious?)
A/N: Basically the inspiration for this is a Hetalia roleplay group thing me and some friends have going on right now. So this is an in-character texting conversation between me and a friend that I have storyified. It was so hilarious to me that I thought I should post it. A bit of context of what's going on in the group before you read on: Germany, Russia, England, Estonia, and Italy are planning on taking over the world due to the suggestion of Russia (me). And (just a pointless little FYI) at this time everyone is getting second characters and deciding who to destroy during our world domination (my second character is Italy and I'm super happy!:P). Enjoy!
Credit: * Is crediting friend who was on the other side of the conversation who technically wrote half of this who does not have a ff account but wanted me to mention him anyways kay thanks bye.* Is run-on sentence ** Friend is Matthew Tieszer *** Ok I'm done now****
Warning: It gets weird...
And Thus Commences WWIII
Germany was walking along the road one day humming a simple tune. After a long day he was happy to go home to relax with a nice keg of beer or two, or three. He continued past little shops and stands selling various sausages and alcoholic beverages.
He had stopped to admire a particularly nice looking beer glass when he heard a strange sort of out-of-tune song drift to his ears. He suddenly recognized the voice that was singing and his heart filled with dread… Italy.
Italy was skipping along the other side of the road singing the song he wrote for Germany when they first met.
"Germany! Germany! Germany is a really really nice place!..."
'Just don't move. Just don't move and he vont notice you,' thought Germany frantically hoping that Italy would keep going without noticing him.
Alas, twas not to be, "It'd be heaven for a d- Oh! Germany! Germany! Hey-a Germany! I see-a you! That's-a so funny! We're right-a across-a tha street!"
Italy continued yelling and waving frantically for a good five minutes before he started getting discouraged, "Germany! You don't-a see me! I feel-a so alone-a!"
Germany began to feel sorry for the sobbing Italy so he decided to give in and go across to see him, "You're acting like Canada Italy."
"B-but Germany!", Italy exclaimed appalled.
"And nobody likes you.", he continued.
Italy began to cry again, babbling like a fool, "B-but-a I-a t-thought-a we w-were-a best-a friends-a f-forever!"
"Ve are.", Germany sighed, "I'm the only vone who likes you."
"Oh well that-a makes-a me feel a bit-a better," Italy replied too cheerfully for how he was behaving before.
"Anyvay," Germany desperately tried to steer the conversation away from this particularly uncomfortable subject for him, "Vhere's Russia?"
"Russia is-a very scary," the little Italian whined.
"He is very bitchy," Germany grumbled, "And agro."
This launched Italy into a lightning fast, fear induced ramble, "He seems-a so nice-a then he-a just-a goes and-a tries to kill-a you! I really really don't-a like him. He's always-a mean to me-a."
The topic of Russia is always a mistake; for you speak of the Devil and He shall appear.
This could not be more true for the mysterious country of Russia. For at that moment Russia rode up to the two on his tricycle-riding bear.
"Hkello. Are you tolking about me?" he greeted.
Italy was so frightened that he screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to jump into Germany's arms.
"Ahh! It's-a Russia! Germany save-a me!"
Germany stepped back, letting Italy fall to the ground and yelled, "NEIN! Ich denke nicht!" (NO! I don't think so!)
Italy sat on the ground whimpering and crying leaving Germany and Russia to converse.
"Oh, you two make quite an interesting pair," Russia mumbled to himself with the intention of Germany hearing.
The tall blond raised an eyebrow, "Vhat do you mean 'pair'?"
Russia smiled mischievously and responded, "Oh, noting da… Heh heh heh..."
Something about that made Germany extremely angry. He didn't know quite what, but that does not matter any more because what's done is done. In his fit of anger Germany balled his hand into a fist and swung his arm at Russia. He punched Russia square in the nose, effectively breaking it.
And thus commenced WWIII.
Russia stood up from where he fell to the ground, and smiled with blood gushing out of his nose staining his precious white scarf.
"Dat vwas good one," he commended, not giving any sign that he felt pain from the blow.
Russia was rather upset at Germany for ruining the scarf that his big sister Ukraine had given him. So he pulled out, seemingly from thin air, his trusty Magic Metal Pipe of Pain and smacked Germany upside the head with it. Germany fell to the ground dazed, but only for a moment. He quickly stood back up holding a Mauser!
Germany aimed the rifle at Russia and shot his arm and leg in quick succession. Russia grimaced slightly and fell to one knee, his arm hung limp at his side. Russia then looked up at Germany with a bloody grin as he took out a big red button from his coat pocket. The silver-blond man looked Germany right in the eye and pushed down the button with a click.
"Dere go my Bear Nuclear Missiles," cackled Russia, laughing maniacally.
"I thought as much..." Germany stated. In retaliation Germany then commanded his air force, army, missiles, tanks, and all of his military assets to attack Russia.
"One thing you hafe forgotten; I hafe the EU on my side. And you don't," Germany boasted.
Just then, over the horizon behind Russia, silhouetted against the fiery sunset, an army of bears on battle tricycles appeared. And moments later the sky was darkened by the sheer numbers of air fighters with bears painted on the underside, all moving towards their opponent.
Soon all of Europe had responded to the quickly escalating scuffle between Germany and Russia. Though Russia was a large country he was greatly outnumbered in allies. He had one more card up his sleeve to reveal.
"I vwill get support from Canada; my secret Russian hkit man," he warned, "You not know of hkis alter ego."
Finally the Bear Missiles struck their target. Germany went up in flames. Once the smoke cleared Germany emerged panting, is clothes and hair singed.
"But he is loyal to Britain!" Germany exclaimed.
"Ha! Hke vwas nevar truly loyal," Russia barked, "I hkave hkim under my control."
Germany once more lost his reign on his temper and charged at Russia tackling him to the ground. They began wrestling and punching each other neither one willing to give up. Until, after several minutes of intense warfare, Italy had finally composed himself and intervened with the two men who were rolling on the ground. The brown haired man-child grabbed Germany and tore him off Russia with surprising strength.
"No Germany! Don't-a fight!" he screeched.
Reaching the end of his rope (and probably not fully aware of his actions) Germany picked Italy up and started beating Russia with him.
"Thank you best friend," he said.
"No! Ah! Ow! Germany! Stop-a that!" Italy exclaimed each time he struck Russia.
Suddenly Russia's bear was looming over them. He picked up Italy in one paw and Germany in the other and started to bash them against each other like cymbals while Russia looked on laughing.
Alas, Russia's seeming victory was not to last, for Germany took out a small pistol from his coat and shot the bear in the head and Russia in the chest. The great bear dropped Germany and Italy and crashed to the ground. Russia soon followed as he slumped over and slowly bled to death there on the ground at the feet of his conquerors.
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Russia awoke with a start. As soon as he got his breathing under control, he looked around and was relieved to see that he was still in his house, lying on his couch where he had relaxed to take a nap a few hours prior. It was all a dream. All a dream. Just a dream.
BANG! BANG! There was a booming knock on the door.
Russia jumped and let out an undignified, "Eep!" (Which if asked about he would deny at all costs). He tried to compose himself and went to the door. As soon as he opened it Germany had pushed past him and was inside in a second.
"Hallo," he greeted. He turned to look at Russia who was now panting again and clutching his chest.
"You look sveaty. Did you have a nightmare?" Germany observed.
"Ah Germany... Hkow did you guess?" he gasped. "In fact I did. It vwas vweird… Vwe're still on for taking over the vworld togezer right?"
"Of course. Vhy vould ve not?" he replied with a raised eyebrow.
"Good," Russia stated quickly, "No reason."
Germany's eyebrow raised even higher.
"Vwell if you'll excuse me Germany I have business to attend to..." Russia then walked swiftly out of the room into his private office to make a phone call, leaving Germany stunned by the door.
In the next room Russia picked up the phone and quickly dialed his boss. When he picked up Russia was fast to speak.
"Don't evar make me go to vwar vwith Germany!" he whispered urgently.
"Why?" his boss simply stated in a more normal volume. "We have moved into Ukraine easy enough."
"Hke hkas too many allies!" this time more vehemently, "Just don't da? It bad idea!"
"Ok I wasn't going to anyway." he said.
Russia heaved a sigh. "Ok ok. Just remember dat. Goodbye." And with that he put the phone back down and slumped against the wall. That was one dream he would never forget.
A/N: Sorry for the "It was all a dream!" bit. But that's how it went down so that's what I went with. I know it's cliché… Also if anyone is confused: the whole Russian hitman thing is an inside joke, it's my nickname for the person who is Canada in our group so ya. I hope you all liked it! Please review, favourite, and check out my other stories!