Spoilers for 5.01. I wrote this for myself. It was something I needed to know. I hope you like it.

Slow Bleed

Until this very moment, I never realized it was possible to love someone so much and be so angry with them at the same time. I always thought it was one or the other. You loved or you hated, but not both at the same time.

Not that I hate Sam.

I could never hate him.

He's my Sammy.

My little brother.

And that's what makes this so damn hard because I am angry, furious, disappointed in him.

And I meant what I said.

I don't think things can ever be the same, and I don't think we can ever be like we were… but I still need him and that pisses me off.

It would be so much easier if I could just cut him loose once and for all. But like Bobby said - oh man, was that only yesterday? - family isn't always about hugs and good times… Sometimes it's about apocalypses and betrayals too.

Especially if your name ends in Winchester. And now apparently Singer…

Bobby, man, I am so sorry. Talk about being caught in the crossfire.

Damn demons.

This would be easier if Sam wasn't Sammy standing back there looking like I'd literally gutted him and strung him out in the middle of town. I certainly know how, and how sick is that? But I wouldn't do that to him. At least I don't think I would…

No. I know I couldn't.

Damnit I hate this. Everything is so mixed up and complicated.

There's been too much, too soon. Only now it's too little, too late.

I really hate those words.

I want him back.

My brother.

I want to trust him.

I do, oh God, I really do.

But I can't.

I'm not sure how anymore.

We're broken and I don't think we can be fixed. Or even if I want it fixed…

Fuck.

I still love him.

I don't want him hurt… but I don't know what to do with him either.

Talk about being screwed. And where the hell was the foreplay?

I watch him through the rearview mirror as he continues to stand where I left him, and I want to drive away -

I really really do.

Does that make me a bad person?

A bad brother?

I'm not sure any more.

I wonder if leaving might be the kinder thing to do.

But I can't leave either.

My family is bleeding out –

And once again I wonder at how it is possible to love someone so much and be so angry with them at the same time.

There are too many things I can't do.

And only one I can.

So I roll down the window and yell, "Are you coming or what?" Then start the engine and wait for someone I used to know.

The End