Title: Attack of the Mary Sues
Author: mahaliem
E-mail: mahailem@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Season 7 Spoilers.
Summary: Buffy and the Scoobies face a new set of foes. Between Seasons 6 and 7.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions.
Definition from the BtVS Writers' Guild - Mary Sue: Usually an original character who appears to be the ultra-perfect version of the author inserting him/herself into the fiction.
Attack of the Mary Sues
Dinner was nothing special, Kraft macaroni and cheese and a green salad, but Dawn had made it and Buffy was determined to appreciate it thoroughly. She was also trying to have a quiet discussion with Dawn about what they could and could not afford when they went back to school shopping the next day.
"But they're so cool."
"And expensive. We are not buying you leather pants."
The argument would have continued but at that moment Anya entered their home with the customary poof of teleportation. She was pale and shaking, and when she spoke her voice had a slightly hysterical edge.
"Buffy, there's a new Big, Bad in town! You've got to help!!!."
"Shh, calm down. Tell me what happened."
Buffy and Dawn left their seats and led Anya to the living room couch, where they sat on either side of her, trying to comfort her.
"I was at the shop and a strange woman came in. She asked if Giles was around, and when I told her he was in England she seemed disappointed. No, disappointed isn't really the word…frustrated maybe."
"Did she say what she wanted with him?"
"No. But then she started talking, telling me things, things she couldn't possibly know."
Dawn and Buffy were puzzled.
"What kind of things?" Dawn asked.
"She said she was really sorry that the wedding didn't happen but it was partly my own fault; that I shouldn't have pushed Xander so much just because I'm afraid of growing old and was trying to get as much out of life as possible. Then she told me that it was too bad I didn't get the 'great big flashing countdown clock' that I had wanted but, if I'd bothered to look, I would've noticed Xander's reaction every time I talked about the wedding."
Buffy blinked, confused.
"A…big countdown clock?"
"Buffy that was something I told Xander when we were alone in bed! No one could've known about it."
"Oh."
"I tried to knock her down, using my demon powers..ya know? But she just stood there looking at me. And when she realized what I was doing, she laughed and apologized for not 'flying back against the wall'."
She swallowed nervously.
"That's when I decided to come here."
"Your pendant has no power over her?"
"No! In fact…Buffy, I got the feeling that magic might be powerless against her. I don't think she's…of this world."
Getting to her feet, Buffy went to her weapons chest and started sorting through her axes and swords.
"So, what did this demon lady look like, just so I'll know who to kill?"
"Well, she was big. Even bigger than Tara maybe."
"And Tara was what, a size six?"
Anya smoothed her skirt down.
"Oh…Tara might have been a four. Also she was dressed really oddly. Nothing too revealing or tight, and not frumpy, either, just some ordinary looking khaki pants and a white top."
Buffy raised her eyebrows, and then frowned.
"Okay. Good. She should stick out, then."
Suddenly, the front door flew open, and Xander raced inside, panting heavily. His eyes darted quickly over to Dawn, rested in surprise on Anya for a moment, and then moved to Buffy.
"Buff! Thank God you're here! There's something evil out there."
Taking in his sweaty disheveled appearance, they all felt a stir of unease. Something weird was definitely in progress.
"So, what happened to you?" Buffy asked.
"I was having a beer with a couple of guys from work, when this woman came up to us. She took away my bottle, and then told me I've got to 'stop drinking and get my life back together, unless I wanted to end up…like my father'."
Xander's eyes widened at the memory, and he shook his head.
The guys were all laughing, I guess they thought she was my sister or something."
Anya raised her hand.
"Was she big?"
He stared at her, before nodding frantically.
"Yeah! Gigantic! Bigger than Tara!"
A flurry of looks passed between them, before Buffy spoke again.
"Is that all she said?"
"Heck, no! She told me that Anya still loved me and since I still loved her, I should 'get off my butt and start trying to make amends'. I told her that I wasn't the one that went out and jumped somebody's dead bones. She then yelled at me to…to stop being a self-righteous jerk."
He flushed a deep red, as he darted a glance at Anya.
"She said that?"
He nodded.
"Oh."
Anya tilted her head to one side, considering.
"Maybe she's not such a bad Big Bad after all."
"But I'm not self-righteous…am I?"
Xander looked around at the women surrounding him, but no one seemed to want to meet his eyes. All things considered, it didn't really matter whether Xander had been acting self-righteous or not. The fact was, there was obviously a new evil abroad in Sunnydale that needed to be stopped.
There was a knock at the front door, and Buffy looked around the room. Giles and Willow were still in England and Spike had left town months ago. Everyone else she knew, was already here. As Dawn stood to answer it, she waved her back impatiently, and stepping forward, opened it herself.
Without a word of warning, a woman stepped through the doorway into the room, and shut the door behind her. Anya leapt to her feet, retreating away in alarm.
"That's her! Stop her, Buffy! She's… she's…not normal"
Slamming the woman against the door, Buffy pointed the stake she was holding directly at her heart.
"Okay lady, who are you and what do you want?"
"Ow, that hurt!"
The woman rubbed the back of her skull where Buffy had knocked her against the door, before looking pointedly down at the stake poised over her chest.
"You do know that I'm not a vampire, right? I didn't need an invitation or anything to get in.
She shrugged.
"Not that the stake through the heart won't kill me. That's the way Faith did the Deputy Mayor, isn't it?"
Backing off slowly, Buffy's face reflected her uncertainty and when she spoke it was through clenched teeth.
"How the hell do you know that?"
"I guess you could say I'm from a…different dimension.
She smiled cheerily.
"Thought this was just a wacky dream at first."
"Why did you come here?" Dawn asked.
Buffy scowled at her sister. She was the one asking the questions, remember? The woman shrugged again.
"Hey, you are aware that there are vampires and monsters out there, right? I know what happens to un-named females who wander around Sunnydale alone at night."
Relaxing a little, the woman glanced over at Xander.
"For someone who put on a bit of weight last year, you sure can run fast."
Xander's eyes widened again in fear, and Anya stepped forward in front of him. He might no longer be her boyfriend, but nobody was allowed to scare the hell out of him, except her. She studied the woman carefully, before questioning her.
"Look lady, how is it you know all that? We don't know you!"
The woman gave a slight, weary smile.
"It's a really long story. Why don't I introduce myself?"
She extended a hand towards no one in particular.
I'm Mary Sue. As for the rest? In the beginning, there was God, and God created a world, and the world was good. And God was called…Joss."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Buffy stared at the woman in total disbelief. Her story had been completely incredible, and there were times when she'd known she must have been lying about something. If only she could figure out what her diabolical plot was. Buffy sighed.
"God, I wish Giles was here."
The woman perked up.
"Is he…ah… planning on coming back anytime soon?"
"No! He isn't! And why do you care so much about Giles?"
Mary Sue shook her head, amazed at their lack of perception.
"The man is fine."
Glancing at Buffy, Dawn echoed her sister's "ick" face, while Anya considered the statement for a moment, frowning.
"You know, she does have a point."
Ignoring her, the woman continued eagerly.
"Hey, have you guys heard from Spike, yet? He's pretty yummy, too."
Xander shook his head.
"What the hell is it with that guy? I just don't get it!"
"In my dimension, we pretty much think all of you should be having sex with Spike. Even you, Xander.
Mary Sue smiled at him, and they all stared at her in amazement. Ignoring Xander's comic retching sounds, she motioned to Dawn.
"But not you, Dawnie. You're too young."
For only the second or third time in her life, Buffy was unsure what to do. She wasn't sure if she believed that a God named Joss, created their world, and then left to make a whole bunch of new ones, leaving an underling called Marti, in charge. This Mary Sue claimed to be a "lesser creature", and told them the lesser creatures were in an uproar, debating whether Marti was evil, incompetent, or just simply…not very good.
She signed. Okay, there might be gaping holes in the narrative, but Buffy had sort of gotten used to that over the past year. Looking back, this whole Joss/Marti concept did seem like a plausible explanation as to how weird things had been lately. Interrupting her thoughts, Mary Sue's voice broke in.
"Do you mind if I spend the night here, Buffy? I mean…I know you've got a spare bedroom."
Buffy was still trying to decide, when another knock sounded at the door. Puzzled, she opened it to find another huge (size eight, at least) nondescript female on her front porch.
"Hi," said the stranger, smiling cheerfully.
She lifted her hand to give a tiny nervous wave.
"My name is Mary Sue. Can I come in?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Buffy, Anya, Xander, and Dawn huddled together in the kitchen. It was 2:00 in the morning, and for the last five hours new Mary Sues had been showing up. Now there were nine in her living room. At first they'd been friendly and peaceable, accepting the offer of tea and cookies with polite thank yous. But an hour ago, they'd started a loud, hugely energetic argument about "who was the better vampire", Spike or Angel. When Buffy threatened them with violence if they didn't can it, one of them had cried out; "Oh no, don't do an impression of Gandhi!", and the others had all laughed. Still, at least it had meant that the argument had been forgotten. Now they were out there singing songs, oddly the songs she and the others had sung when the demon Sweet was in town. At the moment, they seemed to be performing a spirited version of Xander and Anya's little ditty.
Anya's voice was lowered to a harsh whisper, so as to avoid being overheard.
"Buffy, there's no doubt. They're evil. You have to kill them!"
"I can't kill them. They're human, I think. There are rules for humans"
"You could at least kick them out of the house," complained Dawn, folding her arms. "I've got school tomorrow."
"You're just mad because they called you whiny and they agreed with me about the no leather pants issue," Buffy replied.
"Right, because the leather pants are evil argument, makes so much sense."
Xander rubbed his face with his hands, and then looked at the others.
"It's scary. They know everything about us."
"No," Anya said. "Not everything."
Buffy perked up. Could this be a weakness?
"What don't they know?"
"Well, a few of them cornered me, and wanted to know certain dimensions of people's anatomy."
"Please, Anya," Xander begged. "Please tell me that you didn't say anything,"
"I could only be approximate with Spike, as we were very drunk at the time, but with you I was extremely exact."
She smiled.
"I think several of them are now interested in dating you."
Giving Xander a speculative look, Buffy shook her head to clear the naughty visions her imagination was creating. She decided to focus on the problem at hand.
"I'm going to call Giles and see if he's heard of anything ever happening like this before," Buffy decided.
"Good idea."
Anya touched her arm.
"Although, when you're asking Giles how to get rid of them, you might not want to mention that almost all of them seem to have the hots for him. Instead of sending them back to their dimension, he might just send them over to visit him instead."
She widened her eyes when Buffy didn't reply.
"You know…because then he would have lots of orgasm friends"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next day, the remaining members of the Scoobies, accompanied by a small herd of Mary Sues went to the Magic Box to see about performing the banishing ritual. In front of the store stood five more Mary Sues, waiting for them.
Moving quickly into the training room, Buffy and Xander prepared a space to perform the rite, while Anya went to work in the shop. All of the Mary Sues wanted souvenirs, and seemed thrilled with the slug candles, chicken feet, and burba weed. Anya and Dawn were rushed off their feet selling merchandise, taking only cash because credit cards aren't inter-dimensional. By the time Buffy and Xander started showing the Mary Sues into the back room, the transactions were almost all completed. Herding them into the specially drawn circle on the floor, the Scoobies looked at each other uncertainly.
"Okay, tell me again what we're supposed to do," whispered Anya.
"According to Giles," Buffy said, "the Mary Sues have gained access to our world because they like it. In order to break the spell, we have to tell them things they won't like, so they won't want to remain here."
"Can we lie?" asked Dawn.
Xander nodded.
"Of course. The bigger the lie, the better."
"I'd be careful with the lies. Sometimes a lie told in a spell becomes true," Anya pointed out.
When all of the fourteen Mary Sues were gathered in a circle, Buffy motioned to Xander to start it off. Clearing his throat, he stepped forward and spoke loudly.
"I'm throwing out all of my Hawaiian shirts and clown pants and developing a sense of style."
A couple of faint "eeps" were heard from the crowd and two of the Mary Sues disappeared in a puff of smoke. Anya stepped up to take Xander's place.
"Since my wedding was a flop and I became a vengeance demon, I'm back to my man-hating days and will never have sex again. Or even talk about it."
"Eep, eep, eep". More women were gone, leaving more cloudy plumes. Anya smiled smugly and moved back to stand next to Xander. Buffy moved forward. Most of the women were still there, so this one was going to have to be a doozy.
"I've finally decided to enjoy being alive. From here on out, I'm going to embrace life, love, and lots of sex…with Xander."
The "eeps" were a giant roar, and the resulting clouds filled the room. But, when the smoke cleared, there were still three women left.
"Hey!" Xander exclaimed, insulted.
He looked at the Mary Sues remaining and smiled at them.
"At least there are some people with good taste."
Rolling her eyes, Dawn went to the front to speak. The trio of Mary Sues looked at her warily. Very quietly, Dawn told them the thing they feared most of all.
"Next year, Buffy's leaving. And I'm going to be the Vampire Slayer."
The women disappeared leaving only a lone shout of "Curse you, Marti!" lingering in the air. Smiling, the Scoobies looked from one to the other. Buffy the Vampire Slayer had saved the day again.
The End.
Thank you again to my beta readers, Treacle Antlers and Theresa V.
As always, reviews are appreciated.