[A/N: The first chapter of a work in progress. Reviews will motivate me to finish!]
As Summer leaned in to kiss him, the subtle scent hit her once again. Clean cotton. Ivory soap. Boy. She could never find quite the right words to describe the scent or explain its origin, it just was. It was home, it was safety, it was tenderness... It was Seth.
Summer pulled back for an instant, then rested her cheek on his chest, breathing him in. Another minute wouldn't hurt, would it? Just one more kiss – one more long twilight ramble down the beach – one more night. And yet, she knew she had to do it. That's how it always worked, see? Seth was the optimist, the idealist, the dreamer. Summer was in charge of realities, including the rather harsh one they'd both been ignoring all spring. College. Or rather, colleges. Plural.
Steeling herself, she pulled away from him.
-Cohen... We have to talk.
-Talk talk? Like "Seth, you've done something bad, let's talk about how you're going to pay" talk? 'Cause Sum, I swear, I was just kidding about-
-Quiet, Cohen! "Talk" as in Let me talk, okay?
She hadn't meant to snap, but she couldn't let herself be sidetracked. She had to be the tough one tonight.
-We have to talk. About college. About this summer. About... reality. Reality is that we're 17 and about to go off to college. I love you, Cohen, but –
Seth opened his mouth to protest, then looked away, silent for once. He knew what she was doing. He wasn't stupid. Summer was always convinced he was this tender, fragile innocent she needed to shield, and there she went again, sparing him the guilt of being the bad guy.
Summer sighed, then continued.
-We said we wouldn't let each other sacrifice our college dreams. When it turned out you wanted Swarthmore and I wanted UC Davis, we joked about how it was good to be rich kids who could rack up the frequent flyer miles visiting all the time. We pretended nothing was going to change. But Seth, things always change. We could live next door to each other and it would still happen. Growing up, I mean. Who I am now... who you are now... we could be totally different people in a year. People that may not be... meant for each other. God, Cohen, I want to be meant for you. I want to wake up and be all grown up and still as completely in love with you as I am now. But I'm 17. I can't really pretend I know everything love means already. I can't promise I'll always be the same person. I don't want to always be the same as I am today, and I don't want you to stay frozen either – we're so damn young and stupid and – incomplete. If we go off to college still clinging to each other, we'll never figure out how to be complete. On our own, I mean. As individuals. I love you, Cohen. But... we have to grow up.
Summer ran out of words. Knowing it was right didn't make it less utterly and completely wrong. You didn't break up with someone because you loved them, did you? Seth's stillness scared her. She reached for him and he stepped back, flinching. Gathering himself, he finally broke the silence.
-I know that you're right. I know that all the things you said are the things that make sense and the things that reasonable people would say and I hate that I know you're right and I hate that I have to agree with you and, shit, I hate this whole thing. This certainty that everything is uncertain, which doesn't make sense but neither does anything else I thought was certain, it's all certainly uncertain now and you were the one thing that always made sense and now you're uncertain too and it's all... coming apart.
-We'll figure it out, Cohen. We'll make it work. I mean – we'll still talk, right? We can be... friends.
-No.
-No? What? Cohen, this isn't like "I hate you, bye." This is – so we don't destroy it all. So we give ourselves a chance.
-Summer, I can't be just your friend. I was never just your friend. Existing in your sphere and not loving you is physically impossible for me. All those things you said about having to grow up and find ourselves and be independent – you were right. But all that – it can't happen if you're still the first thought in my mind upon waking and the last as I fall asleep. I can't be around you and not be in love with you. So if I can't be in love with you...
They sat in silence. The realization that this was really it, that moment whose inevitability they'd blithely glossed over all year, settled thickly upon them, dampening their ability to react, to respond. Maybe if they just never moved or spoke again, time would stop and they could stay like this forever, together and apart, complete and incomplete, whole and broken all at once. Summer found herself holding her breath, afraid that the slighest move would send them tumbling over the edge.
Three months later...
Struggling to haul yet another suitcase of clothes from her car, Summer cursed the upperclassmen guys playing frisbee on the lawn. Didn't college boys know anything? The way to impress hot freshman chicks was to carry their stuff, not to run around shirtless showing off your abs. Hi, it's California, being hot doesn't make you special. Fetching me an iced mocha to sip while you unload my car? That will get you a date. Of course, Cohen would just have whined about how heavy lifting was really more Ryan's specialty, and –
Summer caught herself. Cohen... wasn't supposed to be her standard of reference any more. This was college, and those frisbee jocks were the future, not Seth. Okay, ewww, maybe not those exact guys, but that wasn't the point. It had taken her all summer to train herself to ignore the million thoughts and memories of him that populated her brain, and she was done mourning. Shaking the memory away, she dropped the suitcase and assumed her trademark stance, planting her hands on her hips.
-You! Blue-shirt boy! Drop the frisbee and be a man! Carry my stuff without breaking anything and I just might let you take me to dinner.
Stunned but dazzled, the boy complied, quickly imitated by three hopeful-looking friends. Bring on college, Summer smiled.
[As you may infer from the title, yes, we will see Seth again...]