Author's Note: Tuesday night's episode was brilliant and I am looking forward to the mental health special, particularly for Amy's performance as I have every faith that she will knock it out of the park. This story follows Chloe fleeing theatre - I got really annoyed that it was Evan that went after her so this is my take where it is Ange that goes to her. It got a bit deeper than intended so I do apologise. Reviews are always appreciated :)
"You finish up here." Evan ordered Ange, holding his hand out to stop her as the theatre doors clattered shut. "I'll go."
"No." Ange responded firmly, already peeling off her gloves. "You scrub in and finish up. I will go." She pushed past him, removing her mask and cap as she went.
Chloe clung onto the wall for dear life, her knuckles turning white as she did so. She tried desperately to catch her breath, feeling all control quickly slipping from her grasp as the panic threatened to engulf her body. She breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth, a technique that her mum had taught her when she was younger, though this time, it seemed to be making no difference. The sound of the doors opening and then swinging shut made her jump, however she made no attempt to turn around and acknowledge the figure standing behind her.
"Chloe?" Ange said in concern, cautiously approaching her daughter.
"Leave me alone." She responded coldly, trying to suppress the gasps for breath. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine." Ange told her, coming face-to-face with her daughter. "I'm not leaving you like this." She promised. "Just focus on your breathing, sweetheart." Ange took a gentle hold of Chloe's shoulders. As much as Chloe wanted to shake herself free from Ange's grip and run as far away from everything as she possibly could, there was a part of her that knew that as long as her mum was there, the panic attack would be over much quicker than if Chloe was left to handle it alone.
"Can't." Chloe gasped, defeatedly.
"Yes you can." Ange reassured her calmly. "Deep breaths, okay?" She coached Chloe through the process, encouraging her to try and follow her own breathing pattern, which after about five minutes, Chloe finally managed. All the energy had drained from her body and she sank to the floor, leaning her head back on the wall. Ange sat down next to her.
"I know I shouldn't have come into theatre." She admitted feebly. "I felt it starting the minute we started scrubbing in but I thought I could stop it. I've managed to before but this time..." She shook her head, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Has this been happening much recently?" Ange questioned.
"It's been nearly a year since I last had a panic attack." Chloe said resentfully. "That's the longest time since...since forever. I thought...I thought that maybe I was over all that."
"I know that all of this has come as a big shock to you." Ange started. "You weren't supposed to find out like this."
"Do you know what? I'm not angry about the fact that you had another child or even that he's right here in the hospital." Chloe said in frustration. "I'm angry that you've lied to me. Even when I said to you before I went away that it felt like you were hiding something from me, you still lied, mum!"
"I'm sorry." Ange said earnestly. "I only did it to protect you."
"From what?" Chloe unintentionally raised her voice.
"Things were finally starting to fall into place for you, your anxiety was under control and you were thriving. I didn't want to ruin things for you." Ange explained desperately. Chloe laughed in disbelief.
"Yes, well, good job mum." She quipped sarcastically. Ange knew that responding to Chloe's comment was only going to make the situation worse than it already was. There were a few moments of silence before Chloe spoke up again. "Did...did you have him the same way you had me?" She asked warily, daring to look at Ange. Ange shook her head.
"No." She responded honestly. "It was a stupid teenage crush. I was young and naive."
"And you still gave him away? You gave him away when he came from love but you kept me when I came from...came from that." She spat. "I just don't get it!"
"Chloe, I won't deny saying it was hard and I know we went through some pretty awful times but look at what we had." Ange said. "Have." She corrected, taking Chloe's hand in her own.
"Please don't, mum." Chloe begged, a sob escaping her lips. She squeezed her eyes shut as a fresh set of tears escaped and she felt Ange gently wipe them away with her thumb.
"Come on now." Ange swallowed, attempting to stop herself from crying. "What do I always tell you, hey? The past does not define us. You're the best of my world, Chloe."
"We shouldn't even be here having this conversation." She sobbed, pulling her hand from Ange's. "I shouldn't be here because it should have been me you got rid of and not him. He wouldn't have let you down like I did. You would have both been much happier."
"How can you think that?" Ange was both shocked and devastated. "You have never let me down."
"Of course I have!" She retaliated. "All those times when things got really bad and I couldn't cope."
"You were ill, none of that was your fault..."
"Mum, stop lying!" Chloe cried. "I know I let you down because when I couldn't sleep I would just wander round the house and I would stand outside your room and I could hear you crying and I knew that it was all because of me!" Ange was caught off-guard by Chloe's revelation. Part of it was true - Ange had spent many-a-night in tears when Chloe was going through particularly horrific times with her mental health, but never for the reasons that Chloe believed.
"Alright." Ange said. "Yes, it was because of you but it was because I hated to see you struggling so much knowing that there was nothing I could do to help you. The worst time was when you were bullied and seeing what that did to you, it broke my heart, Chloe, because they put those negative thoughts in your head and you believed every single thing they said. I practically cried myself to sleep every night for three months but it was not because of anything you did." She insisted. "Yes, things are different now but we will never change, we will always have each other no matter what, I promise you that."
"But it's not just things that are different, though, is it? It's everything and I don't know how...how the hell I'm supposed to get my head around it all." Chloe stood up slowly and Ange followed. "It's such a mess and the fact that you couldn't even tell me yourself proves that I am just not worth anything to anyone." She finished bitterly, turning on her heel to walk out the door. She quickly spun around again at the sound of Ange's footsteps following her. "Just leave me alone!" She shouted, exasperated. Ange knew when to back off and as much as she did not want to, she reasoned with herself that at this particular moment, this was the time. Chloe needed time to cool off before Ange tried to explain things further and reason with her again. Sighing with nothing but concern, Ange retreated back to theatre.